“In America you can always find a party!!'”
“In Soviet Russia, the party can always find you!!'”
A party is a social event which legally allows the use of hard drugs and alcohol...oh, and hookers (scantily-clad, drunk sorority chicks can take the place of hookers if necessary)! Can't forget the hookers (they're the "part" in Party). If you are reading this right now, you probably weren't invited to a party and are therefore reading this hoping you were. Read below.
Parties are fun to host and be at. There are many different types of parties. Birthday parties, Holiday parties, Bar and bat mitvah parties so to have parties you beer, vodka, milk, and some cake.
Partying began in the Stoned Age, not to be confused with the "Stone Age". The concept grew from the infamous tradition of having crazy, wild sex with a woman while smoking pot. Partying involved a slightly different approach to the old tradition, instead of smoking pot and having wild sex one would be smoking pot, having wild sex and drinking alcoholic beverages. Soon enough people would decide to do it in large groups to increase maximum pleasure...plus they were already too stoned to find their ways home. At a later date the newly founded tradition was adopted by the Pope when someone asked "What Would Jesus Do?" Naturally Jesus would have had a party every Friday night to forgive and forget, mainly forget, the sins of the world. From that point onwards partying evolved into much more complex events and became a valued concept in society, gone was the simple fuck, swig and smoke routine. It was only upon discovery of "gayness" that people returned to old ways in fear they may catch the gay from this whole complex attitude. One day a wise man, Adolf Hitler, thought that partying was the shit. In 1936, Hitler himself said, 'Lets Get Crunk Like Lil Jon' and 'Keep your pimp hand strong.' The regular use of hard drugs such as horse semen and period blood are often used by teenages these days at most parties.
There are several variations of having sex while smoking and drinking. Below is a the official list and ways to recognise them:
- Teenage Parties - The most exclusive party of all. If you can see shit on the couch and drunk kids keep slurring swear words at you and the girls act totally wasted after one beer, you're in a teenage party. I've been to a few of these, and you're really not missing anything.
- Sophisticated Parties - Involves University students getting drunk while they talk about art and politics, this is all done before the crazy sex.
- S-Club Party - There ain't no party like an S-Club party. In addition, the S-Club party does not stop. Which is incredibly unfortunate.
- Drug Parties - This is more of an off-branch of a real party considering it doesn't involve much alcohol...or sex for that matter. It is hard to recognize these parties, most people that go to them don't remember too much about them.
- Old People Parties - You honestly don't want to know what goes on there.
- Gatherings - A baptist party. Not fun at all trust me you would rather stand on your hands and take a piss than go to one..
- Uncyclopedia Parties - Involves rope, a tub, a donkey, some matches and lots of leather. See you there. And bring lubrication because this party is like a Toyota because you don't know when its stopping!
- Political Parties - The least desirable form of party. Mostly you will find either old christian white men or socialist commie hippies, but there are many others as well. They do a lot of arguing in there, trust me. They're all power hungry- you can't throw the party without tons of changes in who the host or hostess is.
- Reading Parties - Usually no one shows up and if you throw one prepare to be alone and bored.(some freak bitch I've seen at the Exton mall did, and she got so bored she fingered herself to death)
A shindig is a party at which you pay $20 at the counter to grind your legs with an ice pick for the next 2 hours while listening to music that resembles a cat performing a vasectomy on a stereo which has been peed on by a Hobbit.
Parties that got out of hand
“I don't see Mick's or My name anywhere on the docket”
Parties that got out of hand have throughout human history played a crucial role in the transformation of societies, individuals and literature. In fact, most historically significant events were either caused by parties that got out of hand or the actual party itself.
- The Israelites leave Egypt, ca. 2400 BC., after a tumultous Bar mitzwah celebration held in Heliopolis.
- Julius Caesar is accidentally killed in an orgy organised by Brutus and Cassius in a 'put a tail to Caesar' game in 45 BC.
- The Spanish go on a picnic in America, coming across Aztecs and Incas, 16th century.
- German fat monk Martin Luther starts a fight with Pope Leo X after a merry night spent in a Wittenberger Bierhaus, early 16th century.
- The French have an extra drink of Bordeaux and storm the Bastille to make more room for all the guests in the summer of 1789. The only cure to the massive hangover caused by this party appears to be the guillotine.
- Serbian playboy and bon viveur Gavrilo Princip leaves his Sarajevo apartment in 1914 after staying up all night with friends weaving his pistol, saying: 'I'm going to shoot somebody just for the friggin' fun of it!'
- The East Berliners decide to have a Hölle of a party in the autumn of 1989. The extra-strong GDR beer consumed in enormous quantities ensures that no man or wall is left standing.
How to avoid going to a party
If you're one of the antisocial types, (I'm looking at YOU, Mothra!) you could always avoid parties! Here are a few good reasons:
- You have homework.
- You need to take a shower.
- You decided to tell that cute little monkey in the corner that you need it to clip your toenails. As is only expected, it whacks you over the head with a stuffed yak.
- Your Naruto fandom is being wiped out by Hitler, who is rather bored of that one war. What was it called?
- You are an emo, for emo's aren't allowed to go to parties.
- You are a chickenshit, in which case you may go and wave your sandy little butthole in front of a grue.
- The host is a chicken shit, in which case he can rape your mom.
- Your face is currently on fire.
- A rabbit has invaded your fortress of doom, and you need some time to fix the problem.
- You have a massive erection.
- Your mum has a massive erection.
- You finally found your old Yu-Gi-Oh cards, and really want to play with yourself. With the cards. With the cards by yourself.
- A group of evil looking monkeys are walking past your front garden.
- The Pope has just dropped by for a cup of tea.
- You're in the middle of an orgasm.
- Just scream and run.
- Aunt Flow is in town.
- Extremus Partius Animalus is the scientific name for extreme party animals found in parties.
- Party games
- Branch Davidians
- And of course, PARTY HARD