Keith Richards

Keith Richards at home reading the newspaper.

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“Look I can't do it, I'm a Rolling Stones Fan”

~ The Grim Reaper on Keith Richards

“No, please stop, I can't take it anymore!”

~ Heroine on Keith Richards

“Anthrax? *sniff*... Alright!”

~ Keith Richards on Anthrax

Keith Richards is a radioactive fungus who gained worldwide fame as a guitarist because everything before the 90's was "A cloud of fucking sm.... what?". He is over 800 years old and still going strong, and has mutated to the point that it would not be doubted that he would survive nuclear fallout with smiles and giggles. Mister, Master, Keith Richards is a professional death dodger, late to mid Jurassic crustacean and great-looking-for-his-age-rock-star triangle player in The Larry Davis Experience (replacing John Tesh). Like Sean Penn, he is a militant non-smoker and famous for his collection of vintage Bratz dolls. With the exception of the cockroach and Jimmy Page, Keith Richards is one of the only creatures that can survive an atomic bomb. This was proven during the 1200AD nuclear explosion off the coast of what would be present day Atlantis.

Birth

Keith Richards [AKA Keef Richards} was born in 1943 BC (although it is said he is literally older than the sun), to parents Bert and Doris Dupree Richards. It is a well documented fact that he was born with no face and had to make do with clingfilm for the first 100 years of his life until he met famous Hollywood plastic surgeons Keanu Reeves and Pamela Anderson, who replaced his clingfilm with extraneous fecal matter. he sports this face to this day. He was later said to have discovered the first dinosaur remains after remembering where he buried his childhood pet Dino. It was later revealed that his parents were refugees who stowed away to Britain in a lobster pot belonging to a Norwegian commercial trawler named Lars. His background is a multicultural one, owing heritage to hermit crabs, tarantulas, monsters, jellyfish, Plankton and the Irish. His shoddy guitar-playing skills can be attributed to the lack of any opposable thumbs on his pincers. This has been a major handicap to Keith throughout his career, although he can spear fishies at an amazing rate and walk sideways with great ease. It is well known that he is descended from a race of Tricky Lobster People who are more than capable of surviving both explosions and earthquakes. Richards and Mick Jagger avoid walking in the wilderness together, lest they be torn to pieces by a giant eagle. They do not want to die as "two Stones killed by one bird."

Early Career

His career started when he got a job working as a table-servant to Julius Caesar and Cleopatra while they were first dating in Rome between 47 BC and 44 BC. Cleopatra couldn't stand Richards, originally thinking he resembled a cross between a camel's ass and a goat. However, Caesar took quite a liking to the young whippersnapper, and funded his first solo album, (featuring Chuck Berry on tambourine), which sold only 4 records, probably because no-one knew how to play vinyl then and the availability of phonograph record players was practically non-existent.

So depressed at his recording failure and after falling out with Julius Caesar's piss boy, Keith became a hermit and Desert Theologian of the Old Testament, and, apart from a brief stint playing bass for Buffalo Springfield in the Dark Ages, remained largely musically inactive until the twentieth century, that is until his sister Helena erupted in 1981 killing thousands of people and kicking starting his career back into gear. Now he's slightly dormant, musically. As for accounting how he has fourteen kids, there is no explanation. Too much time on his hands and too many golddiggers.

Later Career

Keith Richards in a recent photo

His career restarted with vigor in Berlin during late 1917, just prior to the end of the Great WWI when, after being 'rediscovered' by Benito Mussolini, he played the seediest cabarets for beer money. There Keith caught the eye of the young metrosexual record producer and aspiring world demolisher Adolf Hitler. Hitler, fresh out of a stint in the Dada propaganda and bowel movement, wanted to expand the limits of what you could play on the radio. The only songs playing on the radio then were "Deutschland Uber Alles" and "Ach! Wunderbar!" both by Otto Von Bismarck.

With the acquisition of songwriter Mister Rogers , Keith and Adolf penned their magical first hit: "It's Raining Men", Keith was banging on his triangle like one possessed while singing like a man in a middle of a breakdown. It was the cause of the French army occupying Antarctica in 1923.

Keith and Hitler parted ways in 1925, when Hitler caught Richards sniffing Eva Braun's undergarments. Keith then decided to cast his own stone, so he bought a guitar and formed his own band called Lead Balloon, together with his long-time-no-see-friend/whore/soon to be wife Mick Jagger. Additional people that no-one knows about joined the band, and in 2045 they became the most ridiculously successful band of oldies. He later rejoined the Adolf Hitler Experience, rode a tank and held the General's rank while the Blitzkrieg raged and the bodies stank.

He has snorted more than just cocaine.

At the age of 14, Keith had a freak accident with kitten huffing, which damaged his lungs. This is why he talks like Ozzy Osbourne nowadays. At the age of 789, He had snorted his dad's ashes, which had marked the 21, 789th time he had died. Jesus had revived him. He had claimed his dad was cremated and he couldn't resist grinding him up with a bit of Blow. It went down pretty well, and he is alive. At that point, he had shot up his Mother, smoked Aunt Bee, mixed Uncle Starchaser in with a bit of Vodka, and lived happily ever after, amen.

Not Without My Drugs: The Keith Richards Story

Keith Richards, at the age of 654, released an autobiography "Not Without My Drugs: The Keith Richards Story," about none other than himself. He originally wanted to entitle the book "Not Without My Bong - Anybody Seen My Bong?" however he changed it shortly after Neil Young threatened to sue him because he was contemplating using that as the title of his upcoming made-for-TV movie.

The "Not Without My Drugs: The Keith Richards Story," article was largely written in bullet points due to the insane amount of drugs short-circuiting his ability to compose lengthy sentences, plus an allergic reaction to heroin made him write it in third person. When he began to write, the famous Air Guitar ninja suddenly remembered that he could not possibly recall 99% of his life, so he comprised the rest of the "autobiography" with what have been infamously dubbed "Keith Richards Essentials."

Upon discovering this, the publisher refused to produce the autobiography. Chuck Norris decided to steal the idea from Keith, so Keith preceded to roundhouse side kick him in the face... At least he thinks he did. He was high at the time. Here is a complete manuscript of the unpublished book (please note that the first two sentences is the 1% of Keith's remembered life):

"I did lots of drugs." "I used to have terrible memory problems - I forget why, exactly..."

Immortality

It is thought that the secret to Keith's imortality is the fact that he possesses a plant like ability to photosynthesise and take in nutrients from soil, so naturally when Keith goes outside his body regenerates. Scientists have been working for years to develop this trait in other organisms but most of them either went off to form a band before the tests could be finished or expired in a blizzard of cocaine and heroine.

Recent Events

When the The Rolling Stones toured Skegness in 1987, the tour bus was late after waiting for Mick Jagger's regularly scheduled afternoon botox appointment. Through a judgmental error on behalf of the bus driver, Barry, a blown-out tire that was lying outside Keith Richards' house that day was mistaken for the man himself, and taken on the tour. Since few audience members noticed the difference and even fewer complained about it - this ragged piece of old leather has since replaced Keith Richards as lead guitarist, and is still touring to this day. In 2006, Keith was pulled out of his tank of formaldehyde to perform at some crazy superbowl shit. Actually, Keith Richards is living in Case Missiroli, Province of Forlì-Cesena (Italy) under the identity of Claudio Riccardi and he occasionally plays the guitar in the Orchestra Casadei.

Death

The only thing that can kill Keith Richards is Keith Richards. Or when the world blows up due to his insane instrumental skills. So really, still the only thing that can kill Him is Himself.

Media Confusion

Richards has been found dead a total amount of seventeen times at his home in the Amazon. It was later discovered that the local "Shamenacadanganudung" tribesmen were incorrect and had actually found seventeen dead monkeys as a result of smoke poisoning and intoxication in Richards' famous "Hobbie Hut". The events sparked a worldwide manhunt for Richards due to a vast amount of media confusion over his apparent death. Richards was later found at a retirement home in Kazakhstan, and was sentenced to 2,134 years in jail. The charges were however later dropped due to his immortality. Richards later spoke of the incident, apologising to Animal Right's groups for killing seventeen monkeys. However, Richards later claimed that the monkeys were in fact "trespassers" and had "inhaled weak shit".

Discography

Solo Albums

• "Fvuhm fvvvvv...CHEERS!" - January 1988
• "PRrr *VUP!*... bzhhh!... CHEERS!" - January 1992
• "Hoind soi- *VUP!* Soig- *VIP!* Soight... CHEERS!" - February 1996
• "Get me some FOHKIN' EGGS!"-February 1999 (Title translated by Ozzy Osborne, that was translated by Steven Tyler) -- CHEERS~
• "SNORT: Songs In The Key of Kilograms" - April 2003

See also

• UnBooks:Keith Richards