UnBooks:Keith Richards

KEItH

Introduction

A stranger to everyone, and the Rolling Stones' aging one-man chemistry set, Sir Keith Richards (knighthood pending) is an enigma's enigma. The Kent born guitarist--who teamed up with Mick Jagger and Brian Jones to form the Rolling Stones almost 50 years ago in the “acid age”--has a hazy past, filled with drugs, poontang, drugs, booze, cigarettes, music, and drugs. What follows is his autobiography, dictated totally in his own words. It is a rare look at the brilliant life of one of the most important participants in the Rock and Roll scene of the 1960s and beyond, and is a historical document of the era. Although Richards remembers 'sod all' from his rock and roll past, and perhaps the memories of this giant of the British scene may be a tad blurred, access to those memories emerged at random times during the writing of this book.

Foreword by Keith

“ Yeah...er...have I started writing something? I said give me a suitcase of dollars and I'll start...Just need a fag and a bottle of Jack to get me started... It all happened..well..You see.. I can't have Mick saying the Stones was all his idea...because it wasn't...and...well there with these two birds, mormons apparently...we met....backstage at a little Jimi Hendrix gig. Ozzy was burning his pants on stage and singin' about hippies in Liverpool, then Mick turned round to me and said 'We can do better than those wankers Keef'...so we..just recorded some songs; became..fuckin' filthy rich ..and I've been completely out of me nutter ever since.... ”

Acknowledgement

“ I would like say a big FUCK OFF! for all them bloody candy men and dolly birds who gave me bad gears over the years...Yeah I hope your cocks have dropped off... what...? Also to me mum and dad for thinking about making me all those years ago...yeah...got to say thank you for that... ”

Only Chapter: The Autobiography of a Stone -- In me own words.

Suckling baby Keith

“ Right, then! Lets see, hahaha! I was a bad fuckin' boy... ha! So was she! ”

“ School was a drag! Said to me teacher, Go'n fook yaa granny! She went bloody bonkers! ”

“ Met Mick outside of some pub. He was busking on the street with a harmonica. First time I heard live music. I asked 'im, what's that racket, then? He says, Its a fuckin' harp, mate! I says, harp? You mean they play these in 'eaven? Haha! ”

“ Told the Old Man, I'll show you! And I bloody-well did! ”

“ Years.. maybe months later.. hours.. met Mick on a train. I said. The Last Time I saw you, I sniffed all your paint thinner in art class... ”

“ Learned me licks from that bloke, Alexis..!? ”

“ What was her name? Some bird.. The Marquee, that's the place! ”

“ Heard The Yardbirds; thought, that's how to play bloody guitar!? Told Alexis off! ”

“ Something happened in 1963 Or it could have been 1964? A gig! Yeah!..The Last Time, what was that song..? ”

“ Heard Hendrix; thought, that's how to play bloody guitar!? Told Beck off. ”

“ Made a deal with some bloke, Lucifer, down on his luck - Wrote 'im a song. A hit is was! ”

“ Brian, the poof, stole me Afghani gear, then fuckin' died. Serves 'em right.. ”

Little boy Keith

“ The States, Oh yeah, a lot happened, on the bloody road...fuckin' 'ell! ”

“ Angels killed some fans over in, ah, over in Monaco...right by the casino. ”

“ Mick said to me..do you like drugs? I said..does the pope fuck? Ha! And Mick says, don't know, mate! But I suppose he does shit in the woods! HAha! ”

“ Got nicked! Thought, bugger this, I quit! Haven't been nicked since. ”

“ Dropped acid with Mick. Ha! Always knew the wanker had the head of a pig. ”

“ What was that tune? Something about Satisfaction.. bloody 'ell, I forgot the fuckin' name.. ”

“ 1970s...can't recall...when did Nixon die? He got drafted and was killed in the war? No, that was Kennedy! And I started taking Brown Sugar in me tea. ”

“ About 1974, something, had blood change in Switzerland. Or was it twice!?. That's why I look so bleedin' young. ”

“ Got blasted one night.. then we played somewhere. Did that a few times too many. ”

Young man Keith

“ Met me idol, Chuck Berry, over in the colonies; I says to 'im, you're me idol! He looks me up and down and says, bugger off! - I fuckin' love the bloke! ”

“ 1980s...Same again. Roll me a joint and help yourself to the cabinet ..iced birds in the fridge...hahahah ”

“ Got me a red belt in Ninjitsu – killed a horsefly - the bastard! ”

“ I played naked in Buckingham Palace and got a medal from the Queen ”

“ Snorted me Dad's ashes.. bloody waste! ”

“ 2003, no 2005, no three, Mick got Knighted, .. told the wanker off ..press even agreed! ”

“ 2005.. a boat somewhere.. fuckin' hot, it was.. ”

“ 2000 somethin'.. played Rio.. 6 billion bloody fans came. That's what it looked like to me, and I was there, mate! ”

“ 2007.. decided, the older I get, the older I want to get.. told somebody..!? ”

“ 2008.. a coconut tree.. busted me arse.. no, me 'ead.. ”

“ 2010...Johnny Depp says he ripped me off in the Pirates of the Caribbean. I says to 'em, who the fuck are you? Haha! Wanker! ”

“ Today..Something that Bill mentioned that was funny. Said I'd been married and had children. Amazing...I was amazed ..like, when in the fuck did that happen??? ”

Keith Richards last night

“ Is that enough to start with? Yeah...hahaha...come back tomorrow and it'll all be different. Now...that suitcase I was promised....? Good gear don't grow on trees! Know what I mean? ”

Epilogue

“ Yeah I know it's all a bit brief but look..after all the stuff I done with my organs over the years.. it all blends into together like when you vomit after drinkin' a skinful...I had me kicks everywhere and on Route 66...yeah...hahahah...it's only rock and...junk, booze, birds... I mean, look at me! I'm bloody Peter Pan! ”

Index

• Severe Memory Loss, page 1

This article may be Overly British

Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this.

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