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Liz Truss

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Liz Truss
01451-366152754-liz truss eating children.png
Liz Truss with a lobbyist in 2022. Pork-barrel economics gives both ways. Her rival, the lettuce, is plotting its vengeance.
Queen Elizabeth III
In office
6 September 2022 – 45 Days Later
Preceded byBoris Johnson
Succeeded byRichie Rich
Personal details
  • Thin Lizzy
  • (1975-07-26) July 26, 1975 (age 48)
  • Ireland
SpouseUsain Bolt

Mary Elizabeth Truss (born 26 July 1975) was the 17th Prime Minister of the British Empire in 2022 (1,920th in total). She is a current Member of Parliament for South West Norfolk and is closest politically to a mayfly: short-lived, has very little sex and gets to spread its wings only briefly before promptly being buried with the Queen. She supports many policies, some of which include cheese markets, pork markets and other markets (primarily financial ones). She may have been the shortest-serving Prime Minister in British history, almost halving the previous record-holder despite him actually having died in office, but she had spunk. She knew she was right and she didn't care how many democratically-elected representatives, economists or even one sentient lettuce had to say about it. It takes balls and high-end leadership skills to stick with extremely unpopular economic agendas during times of austerity to the extent she did and this is worthy of much admiration and praise across several far-right libertarian think tanks, neither of which are in the country.

Liz Truss did end up resigning 45 days into her role but this is only slightly less than the period of time it takes for a McDonald's Happy Meal to "go off", becoming illegal to resell, so it's not actually very embarrassing at all. One's a 250-calorie low-volume starch product with little intellect to speak of, and the other is a portion of McDonald's fries for small children.

Time In The House Of Commons And As Foreign Secretary (2010-2022)

Liz Truss when she finally cracked and cried to schoolchildren about her long-lasting battle with this nefarious vegetable, the lettuce

Liz has been an MP in England for twelve years now, a time in which one could gestate fourteen elephants. She hasn't wasted even a minute of it. Whilst Foreign Secretary at the outbreak of the war in Ukraine, she imaginatively got one over on the Russians by "mistakenly" saying that Ukraine owns the traditionally-Russian city of Voronezh, and an adviser had to "correct" her, a cunning ruse with which she convinced the Russian top-brass that she was hapless and stupid, meaning that in future she could pull off an innovative subterfuge at an undisclosed scale, catching The Kremlin totally off-guard. If she hadn't lost all credibility unjustly, she would have already solved the war and made both sides happy.

There was a famous moment during Mrs. Truss's campaigning for Brexit where she emphatically and emotionally captivated audiences worldwide with her performance of a Monty Python sketch where she pretends to be outraged by cheeses sometimes being provided by other countries. One of the reasons she won the leadership contest was because people thought she was hilarious and were keen to see more of her act. Unfortunately, she seemed to change career trajectories after being corrupted by politics and ended up just making people more depressed – and not depressed in a fun way like George Carlin or Bill Hicks.

It is said Liz Truss primarily supported Brexit because she didn't like the idea of wanting things to stay the same – after all, she's a Conservative. "The way to make progress is to go backwards into the past" is said to be her slogan for productive governance in her new book, which regrettably did not sell well. She didn't actually expect the Brexit referendum to go through though, and when it did, she suddenly developed a cold sweat and decided to hide in Kew Gardens for a week because she thought she'd be naturally camouflaged by the Venus flytraps due to them possessing a similar capacity for problem-solving and them having the same instinct to perceive other creatures as insects to be crushed. She was in fact mistaken but people just left her be since they knew that being a secretary isn't a very important job anyway, especially if they're foreign.

Time as Prime Minister (2022–2022 – 45 days)

Liz Truss was an exceptionally efficient Prime Minister due to how she was able to collapse the economy in record time. The financial system oscillated so quickly that a veteran seismologist in Merseyside thought Britain had developed a new fault-line. Liz did have help though – she hired a man as Chancellor to manage the economy, Kwasi Kwarteng, because she thought his name was hip and would get her in with the youth voting bloc, assuming he was a gangster rapper or some such who just so happened to have gone to both Eton College and Cambridge University. In reality, his economics expertise could be described most diplomatically as "bold" or "audacious". He decided to tax poor people at 90% of their earnings, allowing them to have one grapefruit per week to make up for lost income compared to the existing system. He also proposed to stop taxing rich people altogether, at least if their income was higher than £1,000,000, which seemed abundantly reasonable to the millions of poverty-stricken UK citizens who weren't sure if they could afford their £3,000 heating bill to ensure their luxurious super noodles would stop freezing on contact with the air upon removal from the microwave.

Shortly after Truss became PM, she met The Queen of England, Elizabeth II at the time. Queen Elizabeth II died immediately afterwards, a move many people respect, and Liz took this as a sign from God that she was the natural successor and was imbibed with a newfound sense of purpose to change the world. She was so effective at changing the world that all her policies were rolled back before even being implemented and her entire cabinet resigned, some of whom set various objects around The Commons on fire as they stormed out, including other MPs. Liz realised that she'd bitten off more lettuce than she could chew and decided to resign to plot her next move for world domination in the cover of darkness, probably under a rock somewhere... waiting...

Cream of the Crap
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