Henry VIII

Henry 'Harry The Hammer' VIII

Henry VIII, nicknamed "Harry" for some unknown reason was a King of England at some point...despite being Welsh. Henry then married his brother's virgin widow (ha, right), Catherine of Aragon. Harry soon got bored of just getting it on with one woman and, as any man with dog like instincts does, had many a whore sharing his bed. One of these whores, called Elizabeth Blount, had his illegitimate son, Henry Fitzroy. The boy was stupid enough to be born outside of marriage, meaning he would never be king. When he died she pretended to be up the duff before then running off with some randomer at court.

Biography

Portrait of Anne Boleyn shortly before and after her death "Two-Faced Bitch"

Fat Harry was the son of Henry Henrietta of Wales and Lord Gumby Brailey of Yorkshire (How ironic!). His dad Henry was a transsexual but otherwise his family was normal. To cover up the scandal about his father Henry, young Henry killed Lord McAngus, the royal butler and by having him stick his head down a toilet and repeatedly giving him a swirly and killing every fucking American he ever laid eyes on.

Henry VIII was an irritable, foul-tempered, nasty brute with ginger hair and an 'orrid beard, which was a typical look for sex obsessive men. He was most famous for having 4 headed wives and 2 headless wives. Despite this he still managed to get 18 women, because THIS IS SPARTA of the magnificent girth and length of his wealth, power, stomach and cod-piece AKA Penis Protector. Henry VIII is well known for his chronic addiction to Viagra cookies which he believed would increase his chances of having a son. This has been noted as a contributing factor to both his large ... ahem ... cod-piece and XXL stomach. Henry VIII was a well educated individual, studying many languages like Welsh, y Gymraeg, Cymraeg, Insular Britonic, Walsh, Walch, Welch and Wealh-specan. He also studied musical instruments, Latin swearwords and telecommunications. In 1992 Henry invented the Atomic bomb and managed to blow up half of London and killed 7 million French tourists. Also, the sweating disease was just one of his tricks he played on his people when he wanted to go be alone in one of his private castles.

One of his less well known acts was cannonising people (no, that is not a misprint). Some of Henry VIII's better known accomplishments include separating the Church of England from the Roman Catholic Church by building a wall between them, building Cambridge University single-handedly, recording with the Beatles at Westminster Abbey, marrying 18 women (including his foxy sister-in-law), enslaving England uniting Wales with England, and getting a trophy for winning at cricket. In later life, Henry VIII ran our of viagra and this made him start eating more pomegranates; he eventfully ate so many that he got pomegranate intoxication which led to his fortunate death.

Once attempted to become an actor, though he quit after not receiving role for his first audition in the Star Wars series. He auditioned to play Jabba the Hutt but lost the role to Drew Barrymore.

Henry VIII made his money from Hustling Pool at the local Pool Hall, and killing (and eventually eating) his wives, getting the insurance money, and then buying a new wife. Once his new wife either became "too blah", or bore a baby foolish enough to be born female, Henry VIII had her killed (accidentally, of course) and bought another one with the earnings. If he was kind, he got a man with a sword to kill them. This, combined with Galileo's love of cheap hookers, also led to the sharp increase in popularity of the mail order bride industry in the early 1500s. Eating his dead wives has also been assumed to be part of the reason why Henry VIII had such a large stomach. One of the household staff reported seeing Henry take off his bra at one point and saw the faces of all 18 wives, protruding from his nipples and talking to one another. The member of staff was quickly eaten and digested disposed of. A report for the missing man was issued but the local police simply dismissed the issue and said the man had probably wandered into the botanical gardens and had been cannibalised by the living penises.

Henry VIII webcam photo showing his gingeriness

Children

Henry had three children who survived infancy. His only legitimate son Edward, when he was nine years old, decided to switch places with a porpoise and drowned soon after. His eldest daughter Bloody Mary was a pyromaniac vampire who enjoyed burning Protestants and eating them afterwards - a trait she apparently inherited from her father. Mary was eventually defeated by her half-sister, and became a ghost who haunts mirrors and has taken to killing girls at slumber parties, setting rabid kittens on them that eat her victims alive...penis first. Henry's youngest daughter, Elizabeth, became Queen Elizabeth I - she inherited her father's gingeriness but not his enormous mojo Mofo. He also had lots of kiddies who died in the womb or who were eaten when Henry was hungry illegitimate. Like Henry Fitzroy. He died though because he sucked.

Wives

Henry VIII was known as The Eighth because had eight wives.

• Katherine the Arrogant
• Amber Lynn
• Anna Cleavage
• Jane Seymour-Clearly
• Katherine Park
• Catherine Howard-Sway
• Kylie-Chanterelle McO'Dougal
• Sharon of Doncaster

Joseph Argos's Illustrated Manuscript of Dreams, 1066 edition

Henry married all eight in a single ceremony at Westminster Registry Office in order to refill the treasury through the dowries provided by the bride's parents. Unfortunately, Josiah Argos had just opened his first catalogue store in Cheapside,called Joseph Argos's Illustrated Manuscript of Dreams and it instantly became popular as a source of cheap household tat to replace traditional dowries.

Henry was expecting gifts of foreign lands and titles, and chests overflowing with gold and crowns and those things like a ballcock with a cross on top. He was furious when instead he received five identical pop-up griddles, a set of non-stick turnip skewers, a Black & Decker drill stand, and a novelty door mat with "Hie Thee To A Nunnery!" inscribed thereon.

He sent his prime minister Thomas O'Becket to return them for a refund, only to discover that the sale of goods act protecting his consumer rights wouldn't be written for another 900 years, and without receipts, he was stuffed.

He passed a death sentence on Josiah Argos, and sent an executioner round to the Cheapside store to behead him, only to find the store was closed for a bank holiday.

Henry flew into a series of eight increasingly malevolent rages, culminating in a decision to punish the monks who had colluded with Argos in producing the in-store illustrated manuscripts.

Dissolution

A crack team of Dissoluters was hurriedly dispatched to dissolute all the monasteries. Henry wasn't the sharpest knife in the draw, and was under the impression that dissolution meant 'stealing all the gold cups and Jesuses-On-Crosses'. He was downhearted when he learned it meant 'taking the roof off, knocking some walls down and building a visitors centre, cafe, and gift shop and handing the lot over to English Heritage, gratis.

He petulantly divorced all his wives the next day, and began binge-eating.

Death

After Eighth Mints

So great was Henry the Eighths appetite, that at the time of his death from indigestion, stores of food throughout the country had fallen to zero.

The chancellor Bradford N. Bingley called for an audit 'Of all foode-stuff in ye countrie, even mouldy and maggotty grayne, Ryvitas, Eat-Me dates, and unused sachets of Beanfeast.' The only food remaining in London was gathered into the Tower of London and comprised: 'seventy barrels of Kendal Mint cake that hath spoiled and gone softe, and a thousand sackes of Bournville-extra-darke chocolate'. The royal cook Mary of Bury used the royal mangle to roll the mint cake to a thickness of 1 micron, covered it in a thin sheet of dark chocolate, and cut the large sheets into one inch squares. These were distributed to the poor and needy and became known as After-Eighth Mints.

Chronological lists

Chronological list of his knives

• A brass one.
• A wooden one.
• A gold one.
• A broken iron one.
• A knife made of pure meat.
• A sharpened wives arm that he forgot to eat.
• His own codpiece
• The one made of tomato peels.

Chronological list of his spoons

1. A purple one.
2. One with Elmo tied up on it(Elmo STILL hasn't been untied yet).
3. There was no spoon,
4. Another wife's arm. Only this time sufficiently spoon shaped.

Chronological list of his Codpieces

1. one with a mustache
2. a long sticking out one.
3. a glow in the dark one.
4. a talking one
5. one with a zipper.
6. one with Tony Blairs face on.
7. a see through glass one.
8. a tight leather one.
9. Polkadotted LED light show one.

Chronological list of his wives

1. Cardinal Wolsey -1620. Was killed when he made bleeping truck reversing noises when Henry was backing up. Was knocked out of a window and landed on the guillotine.
2. A large erect penis
3. Mary (yes his daughter) - 1621. Was killed with a rake at dawn for daring to look at her husbands breeches.
4. Anne Boleyn - 1622. Bore him a daughter, Elizabeth I. Beheaded
5. Jane Seymour - 1624. Suffered death from a knight of the King whilst shopping in Tesco's.
6. Anne again - 1625. Was tied to a VW beetle and dragged through the streets of London while a crowd of peasants bayed for her blood.
7. Britney of Birmingham - 1628. After suffering a miscarriage, and failing to produce another child, was fed poison in her bedchamber until her head dropped off.
8. Princess of Bulgaria - 1630. died in the 9/11 bombings.
9. Mary the 1337 - 1631. Was crushed under the weight of her crown, and was Queen for only one day.
10. Sandra el Mingio - 1631. Got a seizure from playing too much Xbox.
11. Dave - 1633. Beheaded under the Great Oak of Windsor Castle for not beening girlie enough.
12. Caroline of Denmark - 1634. Had a mobile phone attached to her skull until she developed a brain tumour, this took over 9 hours.
13. His sister - 1635. 'Canonised' - i.e. fired out of a cannon as Henry realised incest was illegal and immoral under his own laws.
14. Mary something to do with apples - 1637. Beheaded with a shovel, then a brick, then another shovel.
15. Anne of Cleves - 1639. Forced to smoke pot until she died laughing at Ren and Stimpy.
16. Bob (long name for the: Kate)- 1640. Unknown.
17. Face of Antarctica - 1066. Ate his own face whilst playing bingo
18. Al Gore -1488. Had a loving marriage until Al stole Henry VIII leading role in Lord Of The Rings: On Broadway.
19. Kevin Costner of Crete - 1642. Unknown.
20. Jane C. More - 1643. Daughter of Sir Thomas More. Had to leap from a pylon to escape the King's sword, and died. Later miraculously recovered and became an actress, married James Bond before going crazy and divorcing him to spend the rest of her life having with horses. Her body has been declared one of the Seven Wonders of the World.
21. Lady Gareth - 1644. Drank orange juice to try and appease the King, it sadly failed, and she was burned as a heathen at the stake.
22. Josephine of Grimsby - 1645. The only information we have on her life is boring.
23. Jimmy Dean - 1928. Hung by sausage links for only making breaking food.
24. Adolf Hitler's daughter - 1938
25. Queen Latifah 2004. Bore him an elephant which brought down the whole house. Was subsequently banned from Hampton Court but she refuses to this day to give up her title.
26. Drew Hart - Had her killed for being so annoying and always complaining.
27. A 20-pack McDonald's Chicken McNuggets (November 7, 1987 (4:03pm GMT) - November 7, 1987 (4:04pm GMT))- It was very tasty.
28. Catherine Hepburn's mum - Died when the famous ship HMS 26 Embarrassed Swedish Sixth-Graders Sing Czech Crapsongs drove into an icetree somewhere between Japan and Ivory Coast.
29. Dog the Bounty Hunter - Overdosed on a combination of Viagra and Yaz.
30. Suleiman the Magnificent Loser- 2008BC bore him another daughter Roxalana which was a stupid lesbian, so Markgnificent Loser had stuck up a huge vibrator up his ass, and that was his last day!!!
31. Snoop Lion - 1529 - Came down from up high in the heavens on a cloud of errr..."incense"... Promptly solved the King's 'GREAT MATTER' by killing both Catherine and Anne and then sitting on the Kings lap while Henry's 'GREAT MATTER' began to expel its seed. A lion prince named Simba was then born. Thomas Wolsey (or as he was known on the weekend "Rafiki") climbed Pride Rock and presented Simba to all and they promptly bowed down to their future King. Henry, realising his wicked past, changed his name to Mufasa. Snoop though was outraged, he know was not in line for the throne because of this damn child of his! He paid the magic green toll and travelled far up into the heavens to consult with the stars and he was renamed as 'Scar'. This then set up a documentary called the Lion King, full of family fun and comedy japes.
32. A dude named Fred

Legacy

The most important things you need to know about Henners are that he was as beautiful and talented as Riley Cohen and that he had 3 (4 according to McKenna, 27 according to Jesus, and a grape vine according to me) testicles: A black one, a blue one and an orange one. One was a foggy blue and shaped like George Lopez's head. He constantly made love to sheep as they were the only things strong enough to take his weight without complaint. (Yes, he was Welsh, that's partly why he shagged sheep) So Henry was a player, he was well hard and was proper into Xbox 360 and shit. He also had 4 children who were all stuck up asses: Simon Cowell, David Cameron, he gave birth to the shite hole known as Glasgow, and finally, Hannah Montana.

Where has Henry gone?

After the incident with his last wife, Henry began trying to manage his weight. He's since hired a total of 23 personal trainers, 14 of which he devoured before his eating disorder was finally managed with pills and shots of meth.

And then one day, it happened. A red car pulled up to his mansion in Georgia, and a barbarian fellow yelled at him: "FEAST!!!"

He has since spent most of his days touring the United States in search of a magical castle (named Asgard, ruled over by Moltor the Magnificent) filled with goblins and Snickers candy bars on the East Coast. He is joined by Caligula, a pilgrim, a native of Hawaii, and an overexcitable viking. The bunch is quite fond of singing Greensleeves and feasting upon Snickers bars. Some have referred to them as a choir. The current location of Henry and his friends is somewhere along the Colorado River.

Most recently, though, the boys were held up by a Robin Hood copycat who carried a small dufflebag of chocolate and rode a pink, motorized scooter. This was done at a rest stop in the middle of some God-forsaken forest.