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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

Evil Jesus, the Messiah to all evil, not-so-evil, and irritable people, is the kind of Messiah who starts a brawl and then stands back to videotape the show. He's the type of Saviour who complains about your favorite movie while his guys lift your wallet. And contrary to popular belief, he is not a friend to the poor. He couldn't care less about them.

Yet Evil Jesus is talented in a twisty sort of way. He is responsible for all supernatural events. Ouija boards, psychic mediums, hauntings, out-of-body and in-the-body experiences, and all unnatural end-around's are Evil Jesus' bread and butter. Because of this, many poets and journalists confuse Evil Jesus with the antichrist. Yet he is very much the opposite of both Christ and antichrist. He's a veritable metaphysical Houdini!

Evil Jesus was born October 12 in 0 BC to 13-year-old Holy Milf Mary and her 85-year-old boytoy, Joey. Because they lived before the formation of Vatican City, which allows you to hump a 12-year-old while standing in line at the communion rail, they told everyone God had humped Mary to keep the authorities away from "Pedo Joe". But they hadn't needed to worry about it, because soon after Jesus was born Joey drank himself to death on a bet. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that the entire army of Liechtenstein consists of 3 soldiers? (Pictured)

... that it takes a man about thirty-four months to cross the Atlantic ocean on a turtle?
... that those actually were the droids you were looking for?
... that [Wiki|wiki formatting]] is perfect]? It never malfunctions'!
... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
...that your baby boy would one day walk on water?
... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank?

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In the news [edit]

Stranger Things 5 teaser and release dates drop at Tudum (Pictured)
Chris Brown from Elevation Worship to fill in for Chris Brown the R&B singer until further notice
Taylor Swift buys back her masters
"Real" Timothee Chalamet at 2024 look-alike contest actually Finn Wolfhard
Qatar personally gifts Trump a plane
Austria wins Eurovision
MLB welcomes cheaters and pedophiles into HOF
New cast and plotlines announced for longest running Filipino sitcom
BREAKING: NEW POPE ALERT!!!
Trump: "You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big."
Phil Collins comes out of retirement after wank
PBS and NPR to lose funding
Spain and Portugal experience a country-wide blackout
Sportswriter Leon Sandcastle gives his two cents on NFL draftee Shedeur Sanders's draft slide
Trump believes that 200 countries negotiated trade deals with him
Man delivers profound philosophical speech about elephants during his sojourn at the zoo
Upcoming South Park season will be Canadian
World shocked as Pope Francis kicks bucket (This is not a drill!)
- Chris Rock will succeed him in new comedy Head of Church

Ongoing: Eurovision • The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, TAWOG, and Deltarune • Russian Invasion • Israel-Palestine conflict • DOGE budget cuts • Trump and Xi's tariff games • The IRS hunting late tax payers

Recent deaths: Ruth Buzzi • Night Court • Lopez vs Lopez • George Wendt • Updates for Mortal Kombat 1 • Rick Derringer • Carolina Hurricanes' choke job in the playoffs • New York Knicks' surprisingly kickass season

Upcoming deaths: DEI • Google's ad monopoly • Cleveland Browns' locker room • LeBron James' career • Diddy's and Chris Brown's chances at freedom • Tom Cruise's career of sprinting on-screen

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On this day [edit]

June 1: International Children's Day

1212 - Over thirty-thousand peasant children march to the Holy Land to drive the wicked Saracens from Jerusalem! Saracens rejoice at wholesale savings.
1853 - Concept of childhood invented to annoy parents, before this, children were treated like malformed little people who turned into adults when belted enough.
1943 - After months of rigorous testing, German scientists finally disprove theory that boys are made out of snips, snails and puppy dog tails.
1954 - Beloved novel about the inherent savagery of British children is published, is immediately banned in the U.S due to perceived homosexual undertones.
1979 - Film adaptation of Newbery Award winning novel, The Dog Who Went to Heaven Because he Died, wins another Newbery Award.
1991 - Little boy who lives down the street dies from rat poison hidden in strangers' candy, and disrespecting his grandpa.
2006 - Widespread protests following allegations that the CIA tortured Jihadis by making them eat cafeteria food.

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Picture of the day

Though the United States' new strategy in Iraq has proven effective at routing insurgent rebels, it has done little to relieve the stigma of what many perceive as American imperialism.

Image credit: Thetoastman
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