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From today's featured article
Let's get one thing straight, my dear Wats-onium.
(Puffs cigar).
When you're talking magnetism, you're talking about me. I've got the highest magnetic moment of ANY naturally occurring element. You could call it a magnetic personality. I pull the facts right out of the air. Things are just drawn to me. Like you, and don't deny it. It's a gift, from me to you.
(Gestures to empty seat in front of desk)
In my pure, elemental form, I'm a bright, silvery character. Soft enough to be cut with a knife, IF you can get close enough. But I don't stay pristine for long.
(Coughs).
The streets of this world, this city, the damp air, they tarnish me, give me a yellowish oxide coat.
(Coughs again).
It adds character, and everyone loves character.
(Throws down cigar and picks up pipe). (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that the classic fairy tale Hansel and Gretel was blamed for hundreds of accidental deaths involving elderly women being pushed into ovens by children? (Pictured)
- ... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
- ... that hitting your kids may be beneficial to their health, or at the very least amusing to you?
- ... that you should accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior, today!
- ... that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?
- ... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries!
- ... that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?
- ... that on average, humans have less than 2 legs?
In the news
- Kansas City Chiefs impulsively fire Missouri as home state, moving to actual Kansas after missing playoffs
- UnNews wishes to all users a merry December Holiday (Pictured)
- Dick Van Dyke is 100, bitches!
- ICE spotted stealing everyone's ice cream in America
- North Sentinelese discover fire, accidentally burn down entire island
- Elon Musk: "Cancel Netflix! I don't care if Max wakes up."
- 6 or 7 buildings burn in Hong Kong
- Labour approval hits record low during Starmer premiership, PM resorts to "getting down with the youth"
- The New York Yankees now fucking suck
- Russian ship shines annoying red laser pointer at British planes
- Ron DeSantis passes Florida bill allowing seniors to hunt zoomers for their skin and organs
- Russian economy on life support after barely growing in 3rd quarter
- The UK to ban the resale of tickets
- Bill passed in Pennsylvania to legalise flying cars because why the fuck not?
- Trump kills the penny after realizing spending four cents on a one cent coin doesn’t "make cents"
- Russian AI powered humanoid robot faceplants on stage in front of crowd
- Syrian National Museum gets robbed of six to seven Roman statues
- Cloudy windy Hurricane Melissa hits da Jamaica, mon! BOMBOCLAAT!
Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI and Spaceballs 2 • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince • Rich New Yorkers fleeing Mamdanistan • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Indianapolis Colts dragging an old man out of retirement • Bills Mafia shitting themselves after losing the division to the Patsies due to a terrible kicker • Nanny state officials breaching people's right to privacy via enforcing social media bans and digital ID on their respective countries under the pretext of "think of the children!"
Recent deaths: Doug Dimmadome • Zed's dead, baby (He was also the bad guy in The Mask) • Animal Farm • Kansas City Chiefs', Dallas Cowboys', Detroit Lions' and Indianapolis Colts' seasons • Rob Reiner • Bowen Yang's tenure on SNL • Patrick Mahomes' and his backup's ACLs • Brigitte Bardot • Carl Yastrzmski • 2025 • The MetroCard • Stranger Things • Kali • Vecna • The Upside Down
Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • The Pittsburgh Steelers' fucking up once again • Weed • 67% of people trying to understand why 6 of 7 news stories mention "6-7" • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix •
On this day
January 1: Break Half Your New Year's Resolutions Day
- 65M BC - For his new year's resolution, God promises to stop throwing giant meteors at Earth when upset.
- 1661 - Philip IV of Spain hopes his son will make him proud.
- 1812 - Napoleon Bonaparte vows not to start a land war in Asia.
- 1989 - Renowned ornithologist Arthur B. Magpie promises to stop fucking bird cloacas.
- 1994 - Ted Kaczynski says to himself, "This is my last letter bomb."
- 2012 - Whitney Houston promises to stop hoovering lines of cocaine like a roomba.
- 2026 - You hope that this year will be a good one, that you'll sort your life out for the better. Ha.
Picture of the day
 |
The Drunk Olympics is an athletic competition in which all participating athletes compete in several sporting events while intoxicated far beyond the typical human breaking point. It has spawned the creation of several organized competitions, including Thunderdome and Cup Stacking. Image credit: The Thinker |
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