United Kingdom

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
(Redirected from British)
Jump to: navigation, search
United Kingdom
The New Asian People's Republic of Corner Shops
Ríocht Aontaithe
Flag of the United Kingdom.svg
Gryffindor.jpg
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "Tally ho, wot wot!"
Anthem: "God Save the Queen"
20080115105033!Satellite image of France in August 2002.jpg
Capital London
Largest city Tesco
Official language(s) British
Cockney
Gibberish
Government Monarchy
‑ President Tony Blair
‑ Queen Margaret Thatcher
National Hero(es) Winston Churchill, Robin Hood, Monty Python, Eddy Izzard, Amy Winehouse, Wallace and Gromit
Currency Pound sterling
Religion Whining
Major exports Tea, scones, crumpets, The Beatles, funny hats
Major imports China, potatoes, snuff, Madonna
National animal The Irish
Hours of
 operation
9am to 5pm (except Sundays)

The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Half of Ireland, commonly known as the United Kingdom (UK) or Great Britain, is a sovereign European nation widely known for its quirky natives and imperialistic tendencies. It is the largest country in the region, often mistaken for smaller, less important nations such as England, Scotland, Whales, and Northern Ireland.

The region is considered by outsiders to be bafflingly confusing, especially in regards to the status of the locations. For instance, non-Europeans might get called a "snarky bugger"[1] for not knowing that Ireland is a separate island from Great Britain. Similarly, a young corker from East Hamfordshire might look down upon, say, an American for confusing England and the United Kingdom, and that American might be referred to as a "blooming git" by that chap from East Hamfordshire.

History

The Coronation of Queen Margaret.
Bouncywikilogo.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about United Kingdom.

The United Kingdom, as a country, was founded in 1066 following the successful marriage of Elizabeth (2nd princess of Windsor) and Winston Churchill (who established the British clergy). Although bringing together the two powerful families was seen as a doomsday project by many, it formed strong bonds across previously un-bonded territories which lasted decades. These iron-clad alliances rusted when Winston was forced to abdicate when it became public knowledge that he was friends with Lenny Henry. By this time the monarchy was well established and the throne was taken by their eldest son Henry VIII. Despite Henry's problems with marijuana addiction, he led the country successfully for many years until being succeeded by his daughter Margaret Thatcher, who still rules Britain to this day.

The UK's decision to employ the outdated and purposeless monarchy system is perplexing. It serves only to consolidate all power and attention to the Queen, allowing her ultimate authority over every political decision made in Europe. Traditionally, the Queen uses this authority to mandate elaborate tea parties, which are usually held at the Queen's home in Buckingham Palace and funded by Britain's socialist tea tax. Most Americans look down on this practice as they feel it is a waste of resources; however the security for these events, particularly the elaborate headgear they are forced to wear, remains a top tourist attraction.

The country was named after the renowned composer, Benjamin Great-Britten.

Economy

The UK's main source of revenue comes from its massive tea export industry, supplemented by a burgeoning tweed market. Camilla cornwallis earlgreyis, the common tea plant, is grown exclusively in the southern regions of Great Britain. While the majority of tea harvested is consumed by the British, a significant portion is also exported to countries such as Asia, China and the United States. Britain only exports a very modest amount of tea to Asia and the U.S. but trade with China has always been traditionally strong. In an agreement formalised in the early 16th century, Britain agreed to give China 70% of the excess tea harvest. In return, China agreed to provide Britain with Chinese-made tea sets.

The British have always held Chinese pottery in a reverential awe, and those Brits lucky enough to own a set of Chinese tea cups will often devote vast amounts of time to polishing them. The British love for Chinese tea sets is so ingrained that a ritualistic ceremony has evolved around them consisting of taking them out every day at a set time (referred to by the British as "tea time" although it really has little to do with tea) and gathering around to admire them. This is often accompanied by a snack consisting of biscuits although, unlike other Western nations, the British rarely serve them with gravy.

Other large contributing factors to the UK's economy include profits from the Street Urchin's Guild, the Cornish paste industry, and Coldplay album sales.

Law and criminal justice

British people are often noted for their hatred of France.

The UK's system of law enforcement is divided into three parts: Scotland Yard, the IRA and freelance inspectors. Scotland Yard employs a vast network of "constables"[2] to enforce petty law on the streets, such as traffic violations and vandalism. Their only pieces of equipment are a whistle and a nightstick, severely limiting their crime-fighting capabilities.

Thusly, most larger criminal cases in Britain are handled by freelance inspectors. Though these inspectors share similar qualities, such as heightened eyesight and cocaine addiction, they come in all shapes and sizes. Commissioner of Police Arthur Conan Doyle sheds some light on the situation:


The IRA is the British bomb disposal unit. It is a separate entity from Scotland Yard and operates under the direct authority of the Queen. The IRA is widely regarded as the best bomb squad in the world and is directly responsible for preventing thousands of tragedies, particularly in Northern Island.

Government

The Royal Family.

The UK is technically a monarchy, with the Queen having absolute authority over all political matters. In practice, however, the Queen traditionally leaves all non-tea-related decisions to Parliament. The Parliament of the United Kingdom is the second oldest parliamentary system in the world, being modelled after the American Congress shortly after Great Britain's defeat in the American Revolutionary War. Like the American Congress, the British Parliament consists of two separate houses, the House of Lords and the House of Commons.

The House of Commons

The House of Commons is restricted to members of the British royal family (70% of the population) and therefore is the larger of the two houses.[3] The House of Commons has traditionally been more conservative than the House of Lords. During the 1620s, Parliament was gaining more and more power and it was the House of Commons who stepped up and vocally admonished the British citizens, reminding them that the strength of their union went hand in hand with the authority of their Queen. After a prolonged debate with the House of Lords absolute authority was returned to Queen Charles I, much to the relief of British citizens everywhere.

The Common Family

The House of Lords

The House of Lords was established to represent the British minority who have no blood ties to the Royal Family. As such, it is the smaller of the two houses. To counterbalance this, a House of Lords representative's vote is worth double of their House of Commons counterpart. Unfortunately,[citation needed] as the representatives of the House of Commons outnumber the House of Lords by three to one, this benefit is largely ineffective.

The House of Lords is generally more liberal than the House of Commons. It was largely due to fervent lobbying from the House of Lords that women were finally given the right to vote in Britain in 1996. The House of Lords was also responsible for the UK's eventual adoption of the pound as the national currency in 2005, replacing the guinea. This move had been protested for decades by British conservatives because "it (the guinea) has a nice picture of a crown on it. It puts me in the mood for a nice spot of tea."[4]

Geography

The island of Great Britain lies just west of Russia, east of the United States and north of Africa. It is the largest of the 100 mapped and documented land masses of Earth, barely beating out Australia and Hawaii. Home to over twelve thousand people, Great Britain is approximately 750 square miles in area making it the third most densely populated island in the world with China and Ireland being first and second respectively. Great Britain is located closer to Scotland than any other European country, separated only by the English Channel, a mere 250 miles across. This proximity has been the source of many wars between Scotland and Great Britain.

The main island of Britain is surrounded by several smaller islands which are not technically part of the UK. The most famous of these, the Isle of Wight, is a popular vacation destination for Britons, while the Isle of Man remains largely unpopulated except for tailless cats.

The bridge that connects Britain and France.

Climate

The UK enjoys a moderate climate most of the year, receiving very modest amounts of rain annually. During the winter, however, Britain inevitably becomes frozen over. Travel in and out of the area during these months is severely hampered by not only poor flight conditions, but the fact that the ocean surrounding the British isle freezes solid making it impossible to reach by ship. Due to the minimal rainfall and harsh winters, Britain is largely unsuitable for agriculture, the sole exception being the hearty tea plant. Britain therefore relies entirely on foreign trade to feed its population.

Major cities

99% of the UK's population resides in its only proper city: London. The remaining population is evenly dispersed among much smaller rural hamlets such as Birmingham, Leicester, Portsmouth and Liverpool. London is bisected by the Thames river which is the source of drinking water for all of Britain, and causes odd smells after 4 PM daily. Unlike other urban cities such as New York or Paris, most Londoners live in single-storey dwellings called "flats". This apparent British aversion to multiple-storey buildings has caused London to become disproportionately large. London is now estimated to cover 73% of the land mass of Great Britain and is still growing.

Political definition

At the local level, the UK is ruled by a vast number of Barons, Earls and Dukes. These noble men lord over the serf underclass known as the 'Cockneys' who work the nobleman's lands in return for his knights protection during times of war. A notable noble is Earl Grey, inventor of tea, and the Patron Saint of hot beverages. A Cockney can be sold at auction for as much as 12 Guineas in times of economic prosperity.

Britain is divided into four major regions: England, North Britain or Scotland, West Britain or Wales, and Northern Ireland. There are slight differences between the four regions; for example, in Scotland a lord is sometimes called a Thane or a "Hoighty Toighty Baastaard". A Scottish peasant is sometimes called a "Glaswegian".

Scotland is the only region of Britain where homosexuality is not only legal, but encouraged. The Scotch, or Jocks as they like to be called, meet once a week at drunken orgies called Ye Highland Gaymes. These rambunctious meetings are famous for their cross dressing and tossing of telephone poles. Anyone caught wearing underpants during these sweaty meetings is usually executed.

West Britain is by far the least interesting of the four regions, as there is literally nothing to do in Wales, unless you're a big fan of sheep.[5] West Britons communicate in only complaints against you, the source of the country's modern language. It is an improvised language that shuns the use of vowels and sibilants. The capital of Wales is Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

Northern Ireland is the only part of Britain that holds a border with a foreign country, the Republic of Ireland. A common greeting in Ireland is "Aare Yuu a Prodastent?". The Irish are known for their curly ginger hair, charming drunkenness, and explosive violent tempers.

Demographics

A typical British butler.

The UK's population is divided along strictly regimented class lines. Roughly 70% of the native population falls into the "royal" class, being connected by blood relation to the Royal Family. The remaining 30% is divided almost evenly between "cockney chimney sweeps" (14%) and "butlers" (16%). The distinction between the butler class and the royal class is marginal at best with the only notable difference being a lack of blood ties to the Royal Family. Most British butlers are very affluent as the care of the Chinese tea sets the British hold so dear is their primary responsibility. While being highly respected, Cockney chimney sweeps on the other hand tend to fare less well on the income scale. Cockney chimney sweeps traditionally make up the majority of the medical trade in Britain. Since the UK's health care system is socialised there is very little money left to pay them.

Marriage between the different social classes is sternly frowned upon[6] by the native British. One notable exception occurred in 1999 when Victoria Adams, a member of the royal class, married a previously unknown butler by the name of David Beckham. David Beckham, now retired, was a player in the North Britain Indoor Football League and it was rumoured by his peers that he often neglected his china polishing duties. Nevertheless Victoria was able to overlook his faults and the couple now reside in North Burminghamptonvillebergshire. The British public was outraged by this turn of events and the couple's wedding was plagued with protesters, many of whom wielding sticks and torches.[7]

Major settlements

In their days of glory, the British colonised the whole world, except for the USA where they had their asses whip-lashed. Their empire shrank in the wash, and now it contains mainland Britain, the orange part of Ireland, Indochina and Germany. Their former colonies now form a union called British Commonwealth, where they meet annually to equally share their wealth with each other. Notable members of the Commonwealth include India, Austria, Israel, Germany, Iraq and South Africa with the South Pole as an honorary member. The USA didn't join because they felt that their imaginary greatness would be degraded by the inferior nations.

India

Indian director Ben Kingsley arranges the rolls of his blockbuster film for distribution.

India was colonised in 1814 after the Americans had run off the British in the devastating War of 1812. The fleeing British soldiers rounded up their remaining Cherokee and Macaw allies and sailed across the Atlantic Ocean until they landed in Mesopotamia, a dry and dangerous land colonised by Hebrews and Iraqis. The Indians were unable to adjust from the fertile lands of California to the heats of the Sahara desert, so they moved into Asia and started India. The British lords followed them into the strange land and made the Indians their slaves for the next hundred years.

India began its struggle for independence from Britain in 1945, while the UK was busy celebrating their victory in World War II in a nationwide marathon of tea parties. The British gentry were at first distracted, but quickly regrouped and quelled much resistance for many years. Though early heroes such as Gunga Din were able to keep the struggle in motion for many years, the call for freedom didn't gain momentum until former British nobleman Ben Kingsley took the helm. Kingsley, a fearless Buddhist prophet and disillusioned tea merchant, combated Britain by releasing Gandhi, a tell-all documentary about British tyranny named after gandhi, the Indian word for tyranny.[8]

Gandhi won eight Academy Awards, embarrassing Britain to the point that it was forced to sign the treaty ensuring India's independence. However, they remain a commonwealth to the present day, meaning that they have some sort of socialist barter network with Britain but the Queen doesn't actually get to push them around anymore.

Foreign policy

Throughout history, Britain has been the first to discover and enslave new nations and entirely new continents, such as America, Africa, and Australia. While some of the conquests went better than others, most countries of the world follow a simple formula: when did Britain own it, when did they earn their independence, and where are they now?

Thomas "Motherfucking" Jefferson.

America

Main article: United States

When did Britain own it: 1492–1776

When did they earn their independence: When Thomas Jefferson held the truth that Britain sucked to be self-evident, and that all Redcoats were created equally gay.

Where are they now: After thoroughly trouncing the British in 1776, America has gone on to rule most of the free world. America has successfully brought Democracy to many third world countries such as Afghanistan, Iraq and Kentucky. American relations with the UK remain strained to this day.

France

Main article: France

When did Britain own it: 100–1945

When did they earn their independence: France had endured many bitter[9] centuries of oppression following their dismal defeat in the aptly named Hundred Year War. Ironically, France would earn their independence by losing in another war: World War II. When Adolf Hitler pranced through the Maginot Line and annexed France, he released it from Britain's control. Britain put down its scones and tried valiantly to reclaim France, but it was overpowered by Hitler's first lieutenant Otto Von Bismark, who was set to conquer the empire itself were it not for the timely intervention of the American Army.

Where are they now: France has been accused of treason for opposing the Iraq War and is currently occupied by American forces.

Australia

Main article: Australia

When did Britain own it: 1788–present

When did they earn their independence: Still part of Britain, however much the British want to deny this. The UK's original intentions regarding Australia were two-fold. Firstly, the British were attempting to establish a settlement suitably distant enough from the motherland that they could isolate the poor minority, thereby eliminating any need to speak to them. Secondly, the British wanted to create a country with an even sillier accent than their own.

Where are they now: Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. While Australia enjoyed a brief period of notoriety due to the international success of Crocodile Dundee, they have dropped back into obscurity in the years since. While still technically a British colony, the UK's hasn't had any formal communication with Australia in nearly thirty years.[10]

Canadia

Main article: Canada

When did Britain own it: 1763–present

When did they earn their independence: They didn't bother. Like Australia, Britain still owns it. Allegedly, there are people who believe that this is an independent country, but anyone not having attended school in Canadia itself knows that this cannot be the case: Canadia is not actually a real country at all.

Further proof of British ownership is found all over Canadia's Mickey-Mouse currency, which is currently trading at around the same level as Monopoly money or thereabouts, in the fact that every $20 Canadian dollar bill shows a portrait of Queen Elizabeth (and a picture of the Canuck Road, of which they are rightly proud).

Where are they now: On top of America's head.

Lt Sean, Commander of the Falklands Defence Force.

Falkland Islands

Main article: Falklands War

When did Britain own it: 1828–present

When did they earn their independence: Still part of Britain thanks to Queen Maggy. By far the most valuable of Britain's various colonies, and as such still highly sought after by the cowardly Argentinians.

Where are they now: Still perilously close to the immoral, bastardised Spaniards. Although at first glance the Falklands appear to be unimportant, miserable, cold islands inhabited mostly by losers and sheep, this is merely a facade to hide the islands' fabulous diamond mines. 148 British soldiers and over 400,890 sheep gave their lives to defend these wonderful islands.

See also

Footnotes

  1. Despite having no affiliations with snarks or bugs.
  2. Policemen in funny hats
  3. It even has a spare bedroom for guests.
  4. Charles Beckenford. "A Brief History of British Coins and Their Historical Relevance"
  5. Jonah "How To Pass The Time In Wails"
  6. Per Britain's "stiff upper lip" policy
  7. As is the British way.
  8. And also a delicious rice dish.
  9. Mostly due to the lack of available sugar to go with the tea.
  10. Neither has any other nation, for that matter.

  British flag.gif   Barmy British Stuff   British flag.gif

 

Things that are Great
Great Ape ProjectGreat BritainAlexander the GreatThe Great Wall of ChinaThe Great DepressionThe Great Barrier ReefGreat ExpectationsThe Great LakesGreat Library of Alexandria


Ic bead.svg Colonized Article
This formerly savage article is brought to you, and your Christian God, by your resident Lobsterbacks. You can join them on their next Colonization at Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization.
This article was colonized  by the Imperial Colonization.

Featured.png

Potatohead aqua.png Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 25 May 2009
This article has been featured on the front page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
Template:FA/25 May 2009Template:FA/2009Template:FQ/25 May 2009Template:FQ/2009