Liam "You're Not Bloody John Lennon So Just Accept It" Cecil Gallagher (born 21 September 1972) is an English musician and singer-songwriter, the former frontman for the famous Manchester band Oasis, and inventor of the phrase "D'yer know warra mean?". A self-styled 'Voice of the North', he's 'mad fer it man' and is a keen gardener and boxer - revealed with his strong allergy to bald men with Japanese technology. He claims that any band who is not Oasis or The Beatles are tools.
Self believing to be John Lennon reincarnated, he believes himself to be the greatest Briton of all time above Ann Widacombe, "H" from Steps and Maureen from Driving school. Unfortunately, as a twelve year old boy he was assaulted in a tattoo parlour by an elderly vixen named Wilma and had his hands tied severely behind his back for several days. At the same time his brain was operated on by adding a chip that magnetically attracts his head up towards to the sun whilst programming him in to say Shiiiiiinnneeeee!!! (Shine) with his mouth wide open at the star. When released, unfortunately the side effects never wore off and these three effects can regularly be seen when Liam is singing with Beady Eye (next to the Beatles in iTunes). He also has some sort of a speech impediment, causing "knows" to come out as "narwhals". He can't help it. Liam often grows a beard once a year for a special occasion known only to himself. He's also recently taken to wearing his infamous tambourine (which he performs in concert with), on his head as well as cuddling up to it in bed at night. The tambourine's name is Dave. He has a unique gift of mixing complex cocktails while
fucking shagging female fans as well as old widows.
Liam was born in the little known village Liverpool in 1940, and took up tambourine lessons at the age of 3. Evidently an aspiring musician, he began his outstanding contribution to music in his early days by forming the band Oh Eh Sis' man in 1958 before revolutionizing the world of music with the hit musical "Salt n' Pepa's Lonely Hearts Club Band, Ya no wa I mean?".
Liam soon became conscious of his personal appearance, and he became a source of hilarity amongst family and friends as he often tried to fool them into thinking that he was actually Paul McCartney.
|“||Yeah he was a total nutter like, I remember on his fifth birthday he came downstairs with these little matchsticks on his eyelids like, to make them go droopy, and he was there with his thumbs up wearin' a black wig. They're dead good them wigs. They look boss, no dee do don't day doh! - Noel Gallagher - Ex-husband||”|
After being elected as Head-Boy at his school in Burnage, Manchester, Liam attended a Sixth-Form College from which he graduated two years later with three straight A's in Maths, Physics and English Literature. It was then that he decided upon moving to London to attend Oxford University to pursue a degree in Art and Design, only for this idea to be halted when a man named Bonehead knocked on his door with a guitar. This signaled the beginning of what was essentially the rest of his life. Liam was so impressed with Bonehead's voice, guitar playing skills and his bone-like head that he was instantly inspired to start a band; his life ambition to become a famous contemporary painter and philosopher was abandoned. Liam and Bonehead toured England with only a handful of songs having actually been written between the pair. Gigs were often too short and the songs were criticized for sounding too much like The Bee Gees.
|“||I first saw them in 1990 at the Manchester Academy, they were shite.||”|
|“||Liam got booed off for looking and trying to sound like Paul McCartney and the tunes were just Bee Gee rip-offs - Random Fan||”|
Due to the initial reactions being so bad, Liam told Bonehead that he didn't want to carry on and in Bonehead's book "Just Coz I'm Bald It Doesn't Mean You Can Fry An Egg On My Head" he revealed that Liam would lie in bed after every gig, crying himself to sleep all night because people kept making fun of his eyebrows or rather solitary eyebrow.
The Fried Egg Incident
In March 1991 a blazing argument erupted in the small hours of the morning between Bonehead, Iggy Pop and Liam. It took place in a bed and breakfast in Skegness where the pair were due to be playing. It is alleged that whilst Bonehead was sleeping, Liam poured a subtle amount of boiling Crisp n' Dry cooking oil onto Boneheads head and proceeded to fry an egg on it. It left a permanent mark on his head in the shape of a bone.
|“||It was mental, I fell asleep and then I woke up with like an egg on my head - mental! - Bonehead||”|
Late Oh Eh Sis'
Despite what Liam once described as "heartbreaking criticism" regarding such terrible reviews, Bonehead managed to persuade Liam to continue touring. In 1992 at a gig in Glasgow, Scotland, the pair were going through the motions of their song "Refracted Atomical Nucleated Divisions" when a Hendrix-esque guitar solo broke out midway through. Thinking this was Bonehead adlibbing and providing some spontaneity to the live set, Liam was delighted, and began to dance around the stage in a rather animated and unusual manner. This soon enough became Liam's trademark dance and is an instantly recognizable, iconic symbol of modern Rock 'n' Roll or epilepsy.
It wasn't until after the show that the truth was revealed; the guitar solo was the work of Liam's brother Noel, who had joined them at the back of the stage completely unawares to Liam and Bonehead. Upon Liam's realization, the brothers embraced. Noel, who had been working as a checkout operator at Sainsburys, was asked if he'd be in the band. He duly accepted.
|“||The reason why I asked my brother if he wanted to be in the band is because his pockets are always full to the brim with Werther's Originals. I like Werther's Originals so it seemed the right thing to do. He makes a good subject to paint too so, if I get bored in the dressing room I'll always have something to do."||”|
Only moments after recruiting a new member the 'chief' Bonehead was approached by the head of Creation Records, Cliff Richard. Richard offered them a three album record deal after saying they were possibly the best band he's ever seen. Liam threw a wobbly at the word 'possibly' and demanded Cliff declare them THE best band he'd ever seen.
A year later Ryan Giggs joined the band. He's referred to by the band as Proffessor Plumb, but is more widely known as Giggsy.
B D Eye and solo work
One fine morning Liam was playing with a squirrel in the local park, who told him that he was the best songwriter in the world and he didn't need that knob head Noel telling him what to do. Liam followed the advice of the squirrel and decided it was time to form the ultimate dad band "B D Eye". After going through many artistic changes ranging from gansta rap to Enya style new age Celtic Pop, the group finally decided to make the same stuff as they were doing in Oasis but slightly worse. After playing in a number of unsuccessful gigs in council estate pubs and open mic nights, the band ultimately decided to call it a day and go back to laying about eating wotsits and watching Jeremy Kyle. Liam eventually realised the squirrel had been trained and sent by an angry Noel to sabotage his musical career.
After the demise of B D Eye poor Liam had lost his place in the world, and was beginning to grow jealous of his brothers equally dismal but somehow successful solo work "Noel Gallagher's high flying turds". He decided that he would join Noel in flogging a dead horse and become the fookin best rocker in the world again. Excited with his new found prospects Liam frantically set about writing new songs, searching through the old Beatles records that had been shamelessly plagiarised in the rock n roll 90s, and warming up his nasally shot to pieces voice. He eventually realised it would just be easier to pay someone talented to write the songs so he could get back to starting twitter spats buying ridiculous parkas on Ebay.
|Barmy British Stuff|