In the aftermath of the British EU referendum resulting in a vote to leave the country has spontaneously combusted. In what scientists have described as an economically-fuelled widespread combustion of landmass the entirety of the country is now engulfed in flames. As this reporter types this report, I assure you that I am sitting in a hellish inferno that is melting my skin and burning my very bones to ash.
David Cameron gave a heartfelt speech today stating that he had warned us of the dangers to us and our families of a vote to leave and also added “Aaarrrghh!”
“I knew that a vote to leave could be bad for our families but I never expected they would all have just instantly exploded as they did. We are truly doomed.”
Nigel Farage, leader of UKIP, gave a talk today in which he said despite the extensive blazes destroying the country he feels confident the country will be stronger than ever, like a forest fire, burning away the unneeded detritus of society and allowing for a new prosperous growth.
Other effects of the vote have resulted in a slight drop in the pound, widespread leprosy and bird attacks.
Jon Snow, the bastard son of Ned Stark, has been asked to extend his dominion from The North to the whole of the UK. Snow has a good history of prospering while insufferably posh blonde men suffered (notably King Joffrey) and was recently made King of the North when a small 10-year-old girl managed to persuade an angry group of soldiers of his credentials.
Your horoscope for today: A celebrity death sets off a chain of events, as a friend of yours posts a message of condolence with a fucking :( emoticon in it, and you duly bludgeon him to death with his own laptop.
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