BUCKINGHAM PALACE -- Another day, another stuffy wedding. However, this was no ordinary union of two star-crossed lovebirds. The Romeo in this case is Prince Harry. And the Juliet is former actress/personality/something-or-other Meghan Markle. And in a sign that the John Goodman movie King Ralph is closer to reality than we thought -- she's an American marrying into the British Royal Family. The newly-crowned Princess's official title will be Duchess of Sussex, which sounds more glamorous than Duchess of Cornwall. In fact, Camilla Cabello is a more famous Camilla than Charles's wife. Hell, even Gonzo's chicken girlfriend is a more popular Camilla than the British Royal. In case you missed it, or didn't give a shit, here are some of our favorite highlights from the 2018 Royal Wedding:
ANGEL GROVE, California -- Shout Factory has announced that they will be releasing a 25th anniversary Steelbook DVD box set of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, which will also include on Blu-ray (for the first time ever!) Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie. You know, the one with Ivan Ooze, that hot chick Dulcea, skydiving, rollerblading, that pig dude Mordant, some of the worst CGI this side of Jumanji (even though both movies were released only two years after Jurassic Park!), a giant frog Zord, Van Halen's "Dreams," that kid Fred who saves the day, and such classic lines as "You ooze, you lose"; "Well, pack your bags. 'Cause we're sending you right back where you came from"; "Oh, the things I have missed: The Black Plague. The Spanish Inquisition. The Brady Bunch Reunion."; and, of course, "Um, you haven't by any chance seen a morphological being lurking around here?"
In honor of Teacher Appreciation Week, and because it's a slow news day (other than the same old Trump bullshit), we at UnNews decided to take the time to honor our teachers. Instead, I decided to tell one of them to piss off. Hey, Mr. Dumas, or should I say Mr. Dumbass? Remember me? You gave me an F on my Great Gatsby book report back in the sixth grade, remember? I told you my dog ate it. No really, my dog actually ate my homework. I even collected his shit to prove it to you the next day. You still gave me an F. Remember that doodle I made of you, you pretentious prick?
CAPITOL HILL, Washington -- Today, the Senate voted 52-47 to override the FCC's decision to end net neutrality, a costly mistake that has killed off whatever credibility the FCC and Ajit Pai still had, which wasn't much to begin with. Next stop, the House of Representatives (oh boy), and then if we're lucky, it will land on Orange Julius's desk to sign. Stranger things have happened.
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