There's been so much news lately, it's making our heads spin! Here's everything that's happened up to Saturday, March 17, 2018.
Trump had an affair with porn star Stormy Daniels. Trump used a few aliases such as John Baron and David Dennison. Team Trump paid her $130,000 in hush money. She is scheduled for a March 25 interview with 60 Minutes.
Trump must have watched Spaceballs one too many times, because he wants the U.S. to have a Space Force, which sounds like an awful sci-fi B-movie spoof.
Trump denied firing Rex Tillerson, only to promptly do so afterwards via tweet. Tillerson was on the toilet when he was canned. No, really. Seriously. You can't make this shit up. He has had the worst luck of someone sitting on a toilet since Elvis.
UnNews is shocked and saddened to learn that Professor Stephen Hawking has died at the age of 76. In a year in which a bunch of crazy shit has already happened, we can't afford to lose Hawking. When Professor Hawking was diagnosed with ALS (a.k.a. Lou Gehrig's Disease) at the age of 21, he was given two years to live. He defied all odds, which remains a medical mystery to this day, and became one of the greatest minds in human history. He came to prominence in the science/physics community in the 70s and wrote the book, A Brief History of Time, in 1988. He followed it up with A Brief History of Money, Us and Them, and The Great Gig in the Sky.
UPPLANDS VASBY, Sweden -- Swedish synth-rock band Europe (whom UnNews hasn't reported on since the 80s) has had enough of not only being washed up has-been VH1 fodder, but also the fake news epidemic that (along with Russian meddling) gave us "President"*Donald Trump. "We're headed for Venus," says lead singer Joey Tempest over a cheesy synthesizer kazoo, "and still we stand tall. 'Cause maybe they've seen us, and welcome us all. This is why we need to fight for the truth against Trump and his fake news regime. And as for Europe -- the country, not the band -- we're dealing with the aftermath of Brexit. Bloody horrible!"
RUSSIAN EMBASSY, Washington D.C. -- This last Hump Day Night, something bizarre and mysterious happened at the Embassy on Wisconsin Ave. This is all big news. So it should be all over the news, right? Wrong. "I can't win an Emmy just because some punk punched a dude at the shit station and then broke into the Russian Embassy of all places." says CNN's Wolf Blitzer. "But Donny Boy having an affair with a porn star? Where's that Emmy?"
BEIJIG, Chia -- I a upleasatly surprisig move, Chiese presidet Xi Jipig has aouced that he is baing the 14th letter of the Eglish alphabet -- the oe ibetwee M ad O. Whe asked why i the livig hell ayoe would do such a asiie ad beyod uitelliget thig, Jipig gave us this statemet i respose: "This is Chia. I'm Presidet. I ca do whatever I wat ad there's othig you ca do about it. If you do't like it, the I suggest that you move your scrawy ass to Hog Kog."
UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible.