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Tuesday, October 6, 2015, 10:19 (UTC)
Calais immigrants to become tube drivers
Thousands of immigrants camped in Calais in the hope of gaining entry to the UK are to be trained as London Underground train drivers.The news comes in the wake of the latest 24-hour tube strike, in which the well paid drivers have brought the capital to a standstill. Boris Johnson told UnNews: "One of the token bleeding hearts in the office was saying, 'Isn't it a shame? All they want to do is work,' and that got me thinking. We've spent the last week trying to appease these drivers who are on 45k a year, and I said to my butler, 'By Jove, Jeeves, I think I've had an idea'."

Trump to Republican candidates: “You’re fired!”
“I have billions! I wrote the book. I am a deal maker. I made a fortune many times over. I have more dough that all the other contenders combined, and I’m the only businessman.” Trump smiled. “Those clowns couldn’t even get a job as a janitor in one of my clip joints.”
Bin Laden plane curse strikes again
The tragedy comes just 14 years after Mohammed Bin Laden's son, Osama, lost 19 friends in the 9/11 attacks. A family friend, who asked not to be named, told UnNews: "Osama blamed himself for their deaths - in fact he even made a video of himself saying words to that effect. And he became very reclusive after that."

Everyone athletic on drugs
"Every four years the Olympics comes round and the athletes' feats greatly inspire the people," said journalist Joanna Corey. "But the truth is, without steroids, the best time a human could run the 100m in would be around 25 seconds, and most humans, when asked to run 100m, simply say no."
Mick Jagger dragged away by wild horses
Jagger's daughter said: "I was just about to say that what I really wanted was a father who was present in my life and affectionate, but then the horses came and dragged him away. Ironically, he had just been suggesting that that very thing was not possible."

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