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Sunday, May 19, 2013, 14:02 (UTC)
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 An American trying to dribble a football from Seattle to Brazil in time for the 2014 Brazil World Cup has died less than two weeks into his trip, demonstrating a lack of understanding of both the sport of soccer and the highway code.
Richard Richardson, 45, was hit by a Mountain Dew truck in Lincoln City, Oregon. His football was found nearby, and it is thought his rudimentary ball control skills were what led him into danger. Randy McNewman, a Scot who witnessed the accident said, "It was just like watching any other American playing football. Me and mah mates were pishing ourselves laughing, because he looked like my fucking 6-year-old niece trying to kick the ball along." News sources around the world have unanimously taken the decision to crop below the neck all photos of Angelina Jolie used in articles related to her mastectomy. Breast cancer support groups welcomed the idea, but some men openly criticized it, demanding to see explicit pictures of the new funbags.
 Former Friends star - and ex-wife of Brad Pitt - Jennifer Aniston confirmed herself as a massive bitch today by flaunting her gorgeous natural boobs just 24 hours after Angelina Jolie revealed she had had a double mastectomy.
 Syria has denied responsibility for the 46 turkies killed Saturday after having allegedly helped blow up two tractors in a neighbor's farm. The Syrian Government stated it would never commit such an act because of values regarding bombs.
 The UN has taken inspiration from bullies all over the world by suggesting poor children should be force-fed insects. Like some globalized, would-be-benevolent version of Nelson Muntz, the organization has said cramming the mouths of the hungry with creepy crawlies is the only sensible thing to do.
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