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Tuesday, February 9, 2016, 05:21 (UTC)
Iowa: Groundhog defeats Democrats, Republicans in surprising upset
Monday's Iowa Caucus resulted in a surprising victory. Donald Trump only made it to second place in the Republican vote, while Hillary Clinton narrowly beat Bernie Sanders on the Democratic side. Who beat Trump? Unbeknownst to the winner himself, Punxsutawney Phil of Groundhog Day fame (No, not Bill Murray!) emerged as the victor, picking up 99 percent of the Republican vote.

Weinsteins lose rights to Halloween
You've all heard the news by now. No, not Lemmy's death. No, not David Bowie's death, either. Alan Rickman, nope. This isn't about Donald Trump running for President. This is about the rights to, and future of, one of the most legendary film franchises in all of cinema. No, not The Terminator or Avatar. Try a little more alternative. I'm talking about Halloween.
Abe Vigoda ends unbroken living streak after 94 years
"Johnny Carson, George Burns, Estelle Getty, Ed McMahon, Tony Randall, Jack Lemmon, Lucille Ball, Don Knotts, Frank McCourt, Walter Cronkite, Mickey Rooney, Dick Van Patten, David Bowie, Lemmy, Alan Rickman, Bea Arthur, Rue McClanahan, Jack Klugman, Walter Matthau, Pope John Paul II, Yvonne Craig, Andy Griffith, Grandpa Munster, Edward Hermann, Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, Bela Lugosi, Boris Karloff... I outlived all you bastards! You're ne--!"

Man resigns from job in preperation of winning PowerBall
"The PowerBall has reached a record $1.5 billion and I will be taking it in a lump sum", announced a 23-year-old local man in a resignation letter addressed to his boss just hours before his planned winning of the PowerBall. "I have all of my affairs in order and will not be retaining employment here a day more, you fat fucking sack of racist homophobic dog shit. Thank you and have a nice day."
Obama to ban guns on Tuesdays
President Barack Obama has announced that all firearms will be made illegal in the US - on the second day of the week. "We know that we can't stop every act of violence," the president said. "But what if we tried to stop even one in seven? What if Congress did something - anything - to protect our kids from gun violence on Tuesdays?"


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Your horoscope for today: In an attempt to force your girlfriend to break up with you, you tell her you are really into watersports. Her response is surprisingly positive, and so begins a game of chicken which essentially no one wins, not least the recycling men who have to collect your mattress on Sunday.



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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible.

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