BRANDENBERG, Germany – The scummy European Union has proven itself once again to be a bottomless pit of depravity who have respect for neither the laws of man nor God. Just as Americans were getting used to their own president being a human-walrus hybrid, we find out that the hardboiled criminals of the EU Council had also turned White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer into an egg. Sean Spicer was poached from his home and whisked away to some German black site by secret EU spies. Military intelligence scrambled to look for any evidence of Spicer's whereabouts. Eventually, they uncovered blue prints for a series of twisted experiments performed upon Spicer until he was an abomination of nature and nutrition.
JPL, California – During a hastily scheduled press conference early this morning, NASA (the National Aircraft and Spaceship Association) brazenly announced that Earth (the largest known terrestrial planet currently in orbit around the Sun) may actually harbor life, even though it is not covered with an impenetrable miles-thick layer of solid ice. For the past several years, NASA has pinned its hopes and dreams and government-funded resources on the eventual detection of life somewhere in the Solar System. Most of the recent excitement had focused on Europa (a large icy ball orbiting Jupiter) and/or Enceladus (a somewhat smaller icy ball orbiting Saturn).
WASHINGTON, DC – In brutal reprisal for President Trump's recent executive order authorizing the unlimited usage of FBBs in the never-ending World-Wide War on Terrorism, a group of economic terrorists with secret ties to homeopathy have secretly planted a single coin somewhere into the United States virtual money supply. The US Federal Reserve has declared a state of emergency until such time that the so-called "Coin of Death" is isolated and neutralized before it can do substantial damage to the nation's precarious economic system
SCARY FOREST, BEAR CITY – While most Americans who haven't accepted the Donald into their sphincters dread his hacked up budget proposals, the army of invading bears lurking deep within the twisted forests just outside your home have instead been celebrating Trump's planned downsizing of the National Park Service (NPS). Hordes of armed bears were seen cheering-slash-growling when news of Trump's $1.5 billion Interior cuts fluttered into the scary woods just beyond your flimsy window.
WASHINGTON DC – America took a well-earned break from presidential politics after Donald Trump disappeared from his Mar-a-Lago retreat last week. The State Department assumed that Trump had absconded from his job and was off selling crap hotels to third world countries, until Secret Service agents found Trump imprisoned inside a WW2-era bunker some miles south of Berlin, mutilated to resemble a walrus.
Your horoscope for today: Thursday’s link between romantic Venus and the telepathic planet, Neptune, means you should be able to make your girlfriend do exactly what you want with those slippers and that pipe.
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