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From today's featured article - Jizzlam

Sexyhijab2.jpg

Jizzlam is the premier 'sex positive' sect of Islam, in the sense that the sect subscribes to all aspects of Sharia law except those pertaining to sexual activity.

While orthodox Islam condemns even vegetables shaped like genitals as haram, adherents of the sect (referred to as Jizzlamists) have proudly incorporated sexuality into ritual traditions lasting 15 minutes or less, maybe 25 when someone gets the whipped cream out. As a result of the denomination's syncretism, Sunni tend to see Jizzlamists as guilty of apostasy, while Shia look upon them as heathen believers of a false faith. Atheists, however, view them mostly on late night pay per view.

Although all Islamic sects follow the same sharia teachings, Jizzlamists often do so for different reasons to others; while all denominations teach one to eschew from use of alcohol, Jizzlamists do so because they believe alcohol cheapens the holy act of intercourse, and also prevents one from attempting the more flexible and exotic positions.

The organized sect originated in the times of the Kufa Caliphate, but followers of Jizzlam often claim The Prophet himself as an early proponent, however his marriage with the 9-year-old Aisha may have overstepped the bounds of sexual freedom even in Jizzlamic thought. (Full article...)

Did you know...

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  • ...that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth?
  • ...that it's probably not the weekend (The chance is 5/7)?
  • ...that your birth certificate is an apology letter from condom factory?
  • ...that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
  • ...that a bomb shelter is the safest place to hide explosives?
  • ...that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?

In the news

On this day...

"Do I know you?"

December 22: Female Awareness Day, International Orgasm Day

  • 5000 BC(ish) - God plans to make perfect woman from an arm and a leg, Adam says "What can ya do with a rib?"
  • 600 BC - YHWH creates woman - twice
  • 0000 - The Blessed Mother Mary's contractions begin
  • 1000 - Spaghetti Monster creates sex.
  • 1231 - God creates Vaginal cancer to spite Spaghetti Monster.
  • 1337 - Counter-Strike is invented
  • 1589 - Japan announces the release of the Hello Kitty Vibrator.
  • 1666 - Manhattan is sold to the Knicks for 24 virgins, an extreme rarity in the area. They immediately re-sell it to Donald Trump.
  • 1923 - LSD is first manufactured, diarrhea of epic solar proportions ensues.
  • 1933 - William Butler Yeats is found dead in a bear cage at the local zoo.
  • 1954 - Film Actors Guild (FAG) is founded
  • 1974 - Gay men blame women for AIDS.
  • 1989 - The end of the world as we know it. Surprisingly, most people are either indifferent or quite fine about the whole thing.
  • 1989 - Pixies send Monkeys to Heaven, Anthony gives Cleopatra a crate of brown ale.
  • 1991 - Man loses his religion, but later finds he left it in the corner, silly man.
  • 2005 - Pussy flavored ice cream invented.
  • 2006 - World peace declared.
  • 2007 - England nukes Wales. Nobody cares.
  • 2012 - Everyone realizes they're not dead.
  • 3434 - Vin Diesel is cloned from one of his last remaining pubic hairs, discovered in Margaret Thatcher's vagina.
  • 5000 - Science descovers a "female orgasm", she was faking...

Today's featured picture

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Never underestimate the power of the dwarf.

Image Credit: Modusoperandi
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Featured today a long time ago

UnNews:Actor Paul Walker, age 40, victim of fiery typecasting accident, featured on 22 December 2013. See the featured version.
UnNews:Stay strong, great people, for Kim Jong-il passed away, featured on 22 December 2011. See the featured version.
Male Adolescence, featured on 22 December 2010. See the featured version.
Classical Satire, featured on 22 December 2009. See the featured version.

Newest articles edit

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