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From today's featured article - God Hates Fags

WBC non smokers.jpg

God Hates Fags is a London based anti-smoking group that quotes passages from the Bible to prove that God is a non-smoker. They claim that smoking cigarettes is a mortal sin and even go so far as to picket the funerals of people who have died of lung cancer.

Like Jehovah's Witnesses, God Hates Fags believes that smoking harms the smoker and others. The nicotine in tobacco products is addictive, and addictions interfere with loving God with all one's strength (Mark 12:30). Making others breathe secondhand smoke breaks Jesus's command to "love your neighbor as yourself" (Matthew 22:39). Quitting is one way to "cleanse ourselves of every defilement of flesh" (2 Corinthians 7:1) and purify the body, which "is the temple of the holy spirit" (1 Corinthians 6:19). (Full article...)


Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured.png UnNews:Indeed, Quvenzhané Wallis is a cunt, featured on 3 September 2013. See the featured version.
UnNews:U.N. warns Syria to halt violence or face further warnings, featured on 3 September 2012. See the featured version.
Sun, featured on 3 September 2011. See the featured version.
Pointy Sticks, featured on 3 September 2010. See the featured version.
UnBooks:An Authentic Journal of Travelers on the Oregon Trail, featured on 3 September 2009. See the featured version.

Did you know...

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  • ...that Pigpen had a collection of over 200 various skin diseases during his childhood? (pictured)
  • ...that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales lost his virginity at age 34, but he found it again at age 35?
  • ...that if you die in Canada, you die in real life?
  • ...that The Oldest Trick in the Book is the infamous "Tapping on a person's left shoulder when you're standing on their right"? This trick was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia.
  • ...that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
  • ...that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
  • ...that this statement is not not not not not not not not not not not possibly confusing to no one somewhere right now?

In the news

On this day...

September 3: International Festival of Frowning at Cows (Saskatchewan)
  • 447 B.C. - The word “fabulous” is invented by Plato.
  • 1189 - Richard the Lionhearted is crowned King of England at Westminster, followed by a successful reign consisting chiefly of lazing in the sun and ridding the British Isles of zebras.
  • 1783 - The American Revolutionary War comes to an end with the Treaty of Paris. While America wins, it concedes that Britain is still better than France.
  • 1939 - Adolf Hitler embarks on his global tour, performing to a sold-out crowd in Warsaw.
  • 1945 - Spoons were acquired by the known company, Tupperware.
  • 1974 - William Shatner discovers the world's largest known deposits of tiberium in his back garden.
  • 1971 - The day my Daddy died.
  • 2005 - Bob sits down for dinner, frowns at his overcooked steak.

Today's featured picture

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So THAT'S what that sign meant...

Image Credit: The Woodburninator
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Writer and Uncyclopedian of the Month, and Noob of the Moment

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The winner of the coveted Writer of the Month award for May 2014 is Uncyclopedia's very own mysterious father figure, Snarglefoop! In the month's since his winning of our Noob of the Moment award, Snarglefoop has refused to slow down on his quest to become not only the mysterious father figure of Uncyclopedia, but our cool uncle who's always a little bit drunk and talks to us about music and girls while our parents are busy chatting with the other relatives about driving directions or whatever. God, he's such a cool guy! I don't know why Aunt Mable got a restraining order against him but it's probably because she just couldn't handle how hip and with-it he is. Aunt Mable's a total square. She won't even let me swim in the pool when we have Christmas at her house because it's "too cold out for that" and "you can't swim in sweat pants and a denim jacket." Pfft. S-Q-U-A-R-E, squuuuuuuaaaaaaaarrrrrreeee.

Anyway, we usually add some wiki-links to some of the user's articles when someone wins this award, but Snarglefoop doesn't appear to have made a vanity list of his works on his userpage, and we here at the Uncyclopedia Award Dispersal Department are much too lazy to go digging for them if that's going to be the case. Trust us, though. They are very spicy and saucy, and they go great with a John Coltrane album and some rosehips. You're welcome.


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The latest addition to our staff of ace UnNews reporters, Banzaikitten has burrowed his way into our cold, black hearts and managed to scrape out the Noob of the Moment award for May of 2014! In a candid interview with our winner, that may or may not have actually happened, he told us that he plans to continue putting out hard-hitting journalism with a finger on the pulse of society. In response to our inquiries of which of his previous pieces were meant to be in said style, he was heard to utter a hearty "Oh, sod off. What is this, The Onion?"

Banzaikitten: The Voice Of Our Times, The Noob Of Our Moment.


BePrepared.png

Nobody won the Uncyclopedian of the Month award in May. Our team of research analysts has taken this to mean that you are all horrible Uncyclopedians who should be ashamed of yourselves. What is this crap? You call this a website?! You make me so mad. I hope you get some sick.


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners


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