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From today's featured article - HowTo:Be an adult

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Attention sixth and seventh graders of North Claremont Middle School, please give a warm Claremont welcome to our guest speaker today, from the American Enterprise Institute, Mr. Radek! Mrs. Haverville was sick today, so Mr. Radek here will be giving you the spiel. Today, he'll be giving an important lecture on what it means to be an adult. You are all growing young men and women, and in a few years you'll be in high school, and a few years after that you'll be seeking higher education, or entering the workforce. So knowing how to be an adult and how to be a respectable member of society is very important. I want to you all to pay close attention, and always stay safe. Say no to drugs!

Hi kids! As you know, I'm Mr. Radek, guest speaker from the American Enterprise Institute, it's a conservative think tank. It's one of the reasons why your teachers can't join a union. Ha. Well, being an adult means having personal responsibility, at least that's what the script says. Personal responsibility is just a term oligarchs use to cut funding from public services. It's meaningless. It's a buzzword. They control you. They control everything. Anyways, onto the speech.

An adult is someone who's reached an age where they're expected to know better. Can anyone here tell me what age that is? The age when you start to know better? Eighteen? I heard someone say twenty-one. Twenty-nine? Forty-three? Jesus Christ. Well, those were, for the most part, decent answers, but I'm hear to tell you that you are all wrong. There is no age. You're still insecure and filled with self-doubt, only now you have to go to work and pay taxes and know better, and after that you die. I'm going a little off script here kids, so bear with me. (Full article...)

Recently featured: Rock lobsterOld White ManHowTo:Be an adult

Did you know...

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  • ...that you can meet all sorts of interesting people when you're drunk? (pictured)

In the news

On this day...

February 5: Peyton Manning does everything including playing in the Super Bowl Day
  • 1678 - Roman king farted on trees.
  • 406 - Peyton Manning sacked by the Central Asian Huns in Super Bowl -MDLXI... wait, that was the Romans... my bad.
  • 1066 - Peyton Manning, king of Normandy, conquers England.
  • 1152 - Peyton Manning almost makes it to Super Bowl -DCCCXV but he loses the AFC Championship after getting sacked five times by the Frankfurt Galaxy's linebacker Frederick Barbarossa.
  • 1215 - Peyton Manning thinks up concept of Magna Carta.
  • 1492 - Peyton Manning sails the ocean blue.
  • 1588 - Peyton Manning defeats the Spanish Armada.
  • 1688 - Peyton Manning takes power in England after the Glorious Revolution. Indianapolis Colts QB William of Orange offers to trade jobs with him. Peyton accepts.
  • 1776 - Peyton Manning leads the Continental Army across the Delaware River in an assault on Trenton, NJ.
  • 1777 - Peyton Manning's child is born to his female slave Sally Hemmings.
  • 1788 - Peyton Manning secretly ghostwrites one of the Federalist Papers. Sadly, he forgot which one.
  • 1813 - Peyton Manning exiled to Elba.
  • 1860 - Peyton Manning signs the Emancipation Proclimation before Ol' Abe does.
  • 1995 - Peyton Manning is forced to freshman practice squad after younger brother Eli Manning punches him in the crotch for stealing the last Fruit-by-the-foot.
  • 1996 - Peyton Manning studies for sociology quiz.
  • 1998 - Peyton Manning goes snorkeling in the Bahamas.
  • 2000 - Peyton Manning numb from another disapointing season, helps express his grim emotions by co-fouding the band Hawthorn Hights.
  • 2001 - Peyton Manning chats with Saudi leader concluding in "Hey, have you ever tried a flight simulator, real-stuff??".
  • 2003 - Peyton Manning plays Bocce with Marvin Harrison.
  • 2006 - Peyton Manning sits on couch with a brewskie, watches repeats of Real World/Road Rules Challenge on MTV and tries to figure out how Beth got to be captain.
  • 2006 - Peyton Manning Is revealed to be Superman
  • 2007 - Peyton Manning Timetravels.
  • 2007 - Peyton Manning comes out as a nazi and eats Polish Sausage with his defeated team.
  • 2008 - Peyton Manning holds Climate Change meeting with The Grinch.
  • 2014 - Peyton Manning finally retrieves wild snap he missed on first play of Super Bowl.
  • 2019 - Peyton Manning, in a confused spasm of rage, accidentally misprints the date of the year while filing his taxes and is whisked away to the year 2019. He is surprised to find out he only lives to the age of 42.

Today's featured picture

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9-Eleven, a world-wide chain of convenience stores serving the needs of those who seek to overthrow whichever hated oppressor is in vogue at the time, is now owned by a conglomeration of businessmen operating out of Afghanistan for tax purposes. People often call them when they need fat. In a bun.

Image Credit: FreeMorpheme
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Featured today a long time ago

UnBooks:The Brothers Karamazov, featured on 5 February 2013. See the featured version.
All Quiet on the Western Front, featured on 31 December 2011. See the featured version.
BIBLE!, featured on 8 July 2010. See the featured version.

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