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From today's featured article - The Camera Obscura Collection of Hans Helmuth Saltzman (1602-1668) Title: Obscuragraphs of Hans Helmuth Saltzman (1602-1668), diplomat and experimenter, in the Mizterville Archivianshlotze Library Collection Dates of creation of material: 1640-1668 Extent: 31 boxes The Saltzman family were merchants and bankers within the Hanseatic League for two centuries up to the time of Peter the Great. Their fortune reached its zenith in Hans Helmuth's lifetime, when many of their family members were attached to European courts as diplomats and money brokers, below and behind the aristocratic tier of ambassadors and ecclesiastical envoys, with whom they exchanged patronage for finance. Hans Helmuth Saltzman was an attaché to the Ambassador of Schleswig-Holstein during the latter part of the reign of Charles I, and was an important and impartial witness to the internal divisions of English society at the time. As a youngest son, he was not obliged to devote himself to his family business, and could afford the life of a gentleman-scholar and experimenter. During this period he often collaborated with the Enlightenment greats in England, France and the German states, and some scholars believe that he may have been the true personage of a highly-regarded English playwright (although most disagree, citing Saltzman's lack of discipline in the literary arts during his younger years). His immersion in the process of Scientific discovery, however, was made relatively late in life, when Saltzman was in his forties, when he met the famous inventor Robert Hooke who inspired him with his theories in optics. (Full article...) Recently featured: Bat Fuck Origami – Bidet – Mithraism Archive – Vote for featured articles Featured today, a long long time ago UnNews:My damn TV won't work, featured on 31 July 2013. See the featured version. Dragon Warrior, featured on 8 April 2009. See the featured version.Dragon Warrior, featured on {{{date}}}. See the featured version. Québec, featured on 31 July 2011. See the featured version. UnTweets:Odysseus, featured on 31 July 2010. See the featured version. Five tough life lessons I wouldn't have had to learn if I had listened to Flood by They Might Be Giants, featured on 31 July 2009. See the featured version. Did you know... ...that tickle fights are a common occurrence in soccer? (pictured) ...that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings. ...that in a world where movie trailers are crucial to a film's success... one man will provide his voice in innumerable trailers? ...that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help? ...that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth? ...that being safe with guns is- *BANG* ...that at any second, of any minute, of any hour, of any day, a massive nuclear bomb could land on your house? ...and that the only way to survive is to crouch underneath your desk?

In the news Jimbo Wales' head explodes (Pictured) UK promised more satisfying traffic jams This week's horoscopes Israel: This is going to work Ukraine plane crash story finally has third salient fact Tour de France 2014 welcomes its share of broken bones Fifa 2015 now with diving and biting The World Cup is over Our victory is meaningless say Germans Isis declares Islamic Planet of Earth On this day... July 31: Feast of St. Leslie Nielsen (Uncyclopedia) 781 – The oldest redorced eruption of noted volcano Mt. Fuji occurs, raining the Japanese countryside with scorched lenses and bits of charred film. 1498 – Christopher Columbus, on his third voyage to the Western Hemisphere, still refuses to ask for directions to India. 1588 – The Spanish Armada is spotted off of England; very few were expecting said Inquisition. 1919 – Germany's Weimar Constitution and Other Fables is penned. 1921 – The International Astronomical and Astrological Society dubs Gemini (pictured) to be the most revered of all constellations. 1947 – Jingo Grand Championship: India headbutts the UK negating its win of 1858. Mahatma Gandhi is named player of the year and becomes the first to claim "I'm going to Disney World". 1951 – V.S. Pritchett publishes Mr. Beluncle, which quickly became a minor classic among English readers, yet was not well supported by American critics who responded with silly faces and much brow-furrowing. 1992 – Harry Potter is born. 3491 – Third Robot invasion of U.S. capital Grand Forks, North Dakota is repelled by soldiers under the leadership of president George Bush XXVI.

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The Last Unicorn In Vinnitsa is photographic evidence of the Nazis' highly successful campaign to eradicate the unicorn untermensch from the face of the Earth. Image Credit: Zombiebaron Vote on this image - Nominate new image - View all featured images

Writer and Uncyclopedian of the Month, and Noob of the Moment

The winner of the coveted Writer of the Month award for May 2014 is Uncyclopedia's very own mysterious father figure, Snarglefoop! In the month's since his winning of our Noob of the Moment award, Snarglefoop has refused to slow down on his quest to become not only the mysterious father figure of Uncyclopedia, but our cool uncle who's always a little bit drunk and talks to us about music and girls while our parents are busy chatting with the other relatives about driving directions or whatever. God, he's such a cool guy! I don't know why Aunt Mable got a restraining order against him but it's probably because she just couldn't handle how hip and with-it he is. Aunt Mable's a total square. She won't even let me swim in the pool when we have Christmas at her house because it's "too cold out for that" and "you can't swim in sweat pants and a denim jacket." Pfft. S-Q-U-A-R-E, squuuuuuuaaaaaaaarrrrrreeee. Anyway, we usually add some wiki-links to some of the user's articles when someone wins this award, but Snarglefoop doesn't appear to have made a vanity list of his works on his userpage, and we here at the Uncyclopedia Award Dispersal Department are much too lazy to go digging for them if that's going to be the case. Trust us, though. They are very spicy and saucy, and they go great with a John Coltrane album and some rosehips. You're welcome. The latest addition to our staff of ace UnNews reporters, Banzaikitten has burrowed his way into our cold, black hearts and managed to scrape out the Noob of the Moment award for May of 2014! In a candid interview with our winner, that may or may not have actually happened, he told us that he plans to continue putting out hard-hitting journalism with a finger on the pulse of society. In response to our inquiries of which of his previous pieces were meant to be in said style, he was heard to utter a hearty "Oh, sod off. What is this, The Onion?" Banzaikitten: The Voice Of Our Times, The Noob Of Our Moment. Nobody won the Uncyclopedian of the Month award in May. Our team of research analysts has taken this to mean that you are all horrible Uncyclopedians who should be ashamed of yourselves. What is this crap? You call this a website?! You make me so mad. I hope you get some sick. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners Oh my god! There are no more days left! It's today or miss the boat to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month, GET VOTING!!

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