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From today's featured article - Newport Cigarettes because fuck yeah I'm drunk let's have some fun

Read.jpg

The day came sooner than I thought it would. Ma told me this would happen. "Son," she told me, holding me on her lap while I read the New York Times, "don't ever fall in love with a crazy woman. Just don't do it. That's the only advice I will ever give you, on or off my death couch. D o n o t, I repeat, D000000 NOT fall in love with a crazy woman."

Her name was Karen. The craziest most intelligent woman I'd ever met, angry at the world, dominating the canvas of life like she was painted by Warhol as the epitome of the witching way into mayhem in-her-own-mind whacked out genius of a painter. I met her when I saw one of her wall-paintings and made sure I walked into her bedroom, where she'd painted the walls and ceiling and turned it into an art gallery. Every time she moved, someone - usually an artist show-off wannabee who didn't "get" her and never would - painted over her paintings, with only Karen and I knowing that they were destroying five-million-dollar artwork at each and every stop.

I asked her once where she did what she did, and why not curtail the rat into the juncture? She looked at me like she didn't know what I was talking about.' (Full article...)'

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured.png Oz (American TV series), featured on 1 September 2013. See the featured version.
Fancy, featured on 1 September 2012. See the featured version.
Illogicopedia, featured on 1 September 2011. See the featured version.
Physics, featured on 1 September 2010. See the featured version.
Psyché, featured on 1 September 2009. See the featured version.

Did you know...

Nariz.gif
  • ...that I'm secretly looking for Nazi Gold right now? (pictured)
  • ...that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?
  • ...that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word?
  • ...that compromise is a great diplomatic tool?
    • ...although on an international level, a nuclear arsenal is even better?
  • ...that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have?
    • ...and that every person considers it at least once a month?
  • ...that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales lost his virginity at age 34, but he found it again at age 35?
  • ...that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around?

In the news

On this day...

September 1: Christmas Shopping Season Starts
  • 13 CE - Jesus becomes the first athiest after killing God and being told that Santa isn't real.
  • 1914 - The last passenger pigeon dies in captivity in the Cincinnati Zoo. The taxi pigeon and the bus pigeon promptly file for bankruptcy.
  • 1939 - Adolf Hitler plays a dirty trick on Poland.
  • 1982 - Lovers of Chocolate enjoy life. Chocolate Related Disease increases.
  • 1986 - Santa has a gift for you in his pocket ...
  • 1989 - Wendys begins to serve fairies to the masses. They are quickly determined "too salty" and discontinued.
  • 1990 - The single lightbulb inside of the Grease Hut begins to flicker periodically. This the extent of the restaurant's Christmas decorations.
  • 1992 - The first NFL game of a new era: The England Patriots at the The Dubai Colts (Attendance: 111,223). Emperor George Bush Sr. is angered that all the American sports teams (not basketball) left America for Bill Clinton's Eurasia.
  • 1994 - The United Nations pass a resolution to prevent the Christmas shopping season from starting prior to the 1st of September. Retailers declare war on UN.
  • 1995 - You killed a monkey at the zoo with poisoned bananas then you laughed uncontrollably. How dare you.
  • 1995 - A midget was stolen from the North Pole and raised as an Australian.
  • 1996 - Gobber the mathemagician convinces millions that 2+2 does actually equal five.
  • 2003 - Bill Gates buys the Andromeda galaxy for his wife and Alpha Centauri for his son.
  • 2004 - It is proven that penguins are the smartest creatures in the universe, but the paperwork proving this got used to mop up some spilt coffee and they couldn't be bothered to print it out again.
  • 2007 - Halls are decked early this year to the dismay of masons everywhere.

Today's featured picture

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Richard Dawkins, leading atheist and crusader for science, begins to take his role too seriously and surprises us all with his worrying new look.

Image Credit: Seeker
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Writer and Uncyclopedian of the Month, and Noob of the Moment

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The winner of the coveted Writer of the Month award for May 2014 is Uncyclopedia's very own mysterious father figure, Snarglefoop! In the month's since his winning of our Noob of the Moment award, Snarglefoop has refused to slow down on his quest to become not only the mysterious father figure of Uncyclopedia, but our cool uncle who's always a little bit drunk and talks to us about music and girls while our parents are busy chatting with the other relatives about driving directions or whatever. God, he's such a cool guy! I don't know why Aunt Mable got a restraining order against him but it's probably because she just couldn't handle how hip and with-it he is. Aunt Mable's a total square. She won't even let me swim in the pool when we have Christmas at her house because it's "too cold out for that" and "you can't swim in sweat pants and a denim jacket." Pfft. S-Q-U-A-R-E, squuuuuuuaaaaaaaarrrrrreeee.

Anyway, we usually add some wiki-links to some of the user's articles when someone wins this award, but Snarglefoop doesn't appear to have made a vanity list of his works on his userpage, and we here at the Uncyclopedia Award Dispersal Department are much too lazy to go digging for them if that's going to be the case. Trust us, though. They are very spicy and saucy, and they go great with a John Coltrane album and some rosehips. You're welcome.


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The latest addition to our staff of ace UnNews reporters, Banzaikitten has burrowed his way into our cold, black hearts and managed to scrape out the Noob of the Moment award for May of 2014! In a candid interview with our winner, that may or may not have actually happened, he told us that he plans to continue putting out hard-hitting journalism with a finger on the pulse of society. In response to our inquiries of which of his previous pieces were meant to be in said style, he was heard to utter a hearty "Oh, sod off. What is this, The Onion?"

Banzaikitten: The Voice Of Our Times, The Noob Of Our Moment.


BePrepared.png

Nobody won the Uncyclopedian of the Month award in May. Our team of research analysts has taken this to mean that you are all horrible Uncyclopedians who should be ashamed of yourselves. What is this crap? You call this a website?! You make me so mad. I hope you get some sick.


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners


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