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From today's featured article - Bat Fuck Origami

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BAT FUCK ORIGAMI is a mathematical method developed to cope with the problem of folding bats into a size and shape suitable for packing into an artillery shell. In the early 1670s, weapons designer Henrich Gustav von Feldermausficken was working under commission of the King of France to develop a terror weapon called the Bat Fuck Howitzer. The most formidable engineering problem was how to fire a bat from a cannon without destroying it. Feldermausficken hit upon the idea of folding the bats into the smallest possible package.

The folding problem was assigned to physicist Eugen Edelsheiss of Dresden, Germany, and thereafter became known as the "Edelsheiss Bat Folding Problem". His inspiration was drawn from the then little-known techniques of origami, the Japanese art of paper folding. Anecdotally, the solution came to him in a dream following a long night of absinthe consumption. The original models were done by hand and took several months to finish. (Full article...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured.png Katy Perry Hit Generator, featured on 28 July 2013. See the featured version.
Sania Mirza, featured on 22 August 2008. See the featured version.Sania Mirza, featured on {{{date}}}. See the featured version.
It's Not You, It's Me, featured on 28 July 2011. See the featured version.
Cracker Barrel, featured on 28 July 2010. See the featured version.
Stone the Israeli Tank, featured on 28 July 2009. See the featured version.

Did you know...

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  • ...that Wikipedia contains millions of articles written by countless anonymous contributors? (pictured)
  • ...that the handgun is one of the most pitiful guns you can find, seeing as it's part of your hand?
  • ...that while Pong! the Movie followed suit with the wildly popular video game genre, such as The Super Mario Brothers movie and Resident Evil, it did not play out as well in the box offices?
  • ...that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
  • ...that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons... and morons?
  • ...that colorless green ideas sleep furiously?
  • ...that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales lost his virginity at age 34, but he found it again at age 35?

In the news

  • The World Cup is over

On this day...

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July 28: National Fondue and Chocolate Day (Switzerland) (pictured)

  • 1020 – Swiss man Arkov Chenbort accidentally drops chocolate into vat of fondue. Entire village enjoys snack.
  • 1439 – A continent-wide fondue shortage in Europe causes citizens to whine, moan, complain, and otherwise be unhappy.
  • 1794 – Robespierre is sent to the guillotine for declaring white chocolate the Chocolate of the Revolution...and for thinking July could be renamed Thermedor.
  • 1956 – The first video game is introduced, allowing the player to move a dot to one of two locations on a projected screen using punch cards. Legendary gamer AAA makes his debut, setting the all-time high score of 13, which stands to this day.
  • 1972 – On a trip to Vietnam, Jane Fondue is captured in a photograph that caused chocolate sales to soar, at least to her for a while.
  • 1999 – After widespread internet rumors concerning chocolate shortages are proven to be false, many of the instigators are banned from the internet.
  • 2007Bashing one's head against a brick wall is officially substitued for fondue and chocolate in some of the poorer areas of the world.

Today's featured picture

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9-Eleven, a world-wide chain of convenience stores serving the needs of those who seek to overthrow whichever hated oppressor is in vogue at the time, is now owned by a conglomeration of businessmen operating out of Afghanistan for tax purposes. People often call them when they need fat. In a bun.

Image Credit: FreeMorpheme
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Writer and Uncyclopedian of the Month, and Noob of the Moment

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The winner of the coveted Writer of the Month award for May 2014 is Uncyclopedia's very own mysterious father figure, Snarglefoop! In the month's since his winning of our Noob of the Moment award, Snarglefoop has refused to slow down on his quest to become not only the mysterious father figure of Uncyclopedia, but our cool uncle who's always a little bit drunk and talks to us about music and girls while our parents are busy chatting with the other relatives about driving directions or whatever. God, he's such a cool guy! I don't know why Aunt Mable got a restraining order against him but it's probably because she just couldn't handle how hip and with-it he is. Aunt Mable's a total square. She won't even let me swim in the pool when we have Christmas at her house because it's "too cold out for that" and "you can't swim in sweat pants and a denim jacket." Pfft. S-Q-U-A-R-E, squuuuuuuaaaaaaaarrrrrreeee.

Anyway, we usually add some wiki-links to some of the user's articles when someone wins this award, but Snarglefoop doesn't appear to have made a vanity list of his works on his userpage, and we here at the Uncyclopedia Award Dispersal Department are much too lazy to go digging for them if that's going to be the case. Trust us, though. They are very spicy and saucy, and they go great with a John Coltrane album and some rosehips. You're welcome.


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The latest addition to our staff of ace UnNews reporters, Banzaikitten has burrowed his way into our cold, black hearts and managed to scrape out the Noob of the Moment award for May of 2014! In a candid interview with our winner, that may or may not have actually happened, he told us that he plans to continue putting out hard-hitting journalism with a finger on the pulse of society. In response to our inquiries of which of his previous pieces were meant to be in said style, he was heard to utter a hearty "Oh, sod off. What is this, The Onion?"

Banzaikitten: The Voice Of Our Times, The Noob Of Our Moment.


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Nobody won the Uncyclopedian of the Month award in May. Our team of research analysts has taken this to mean that you are all horrible Uncyclopedians who should be ashamed of yourselves. What is this crap? You call this a website?! You make me so mad. I hope you get some sick.


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

You now only have 3, goddamnit 3 days to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month, GET VOTING!!

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