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July 27: StarCraft Day (Korea), Nerdery Day (Internetopia)

  • 7 BC – First computer created, using a yard of string, a goat, and three partially eaten kidney beans.
  • 6 BC – The first computer nerd (pictured) fixes a goat/bean compatibility issue on a local goatherd's new computer.
  • 3 BC – A computer nerd/farmer has sex with his goat causing string problems and generating large amounts of upchucked kidney beans, thus creating the first computer virus.
  • 0 BC – A child runs through a field and trips over a string where a vast network of stringed goats are being held. The chain reaction sets off an epidemic of bean-upchucking and goat-kicking that doesn't end until the goats are re-neutered and restringed.
  • 500 – A woman proposes the use of thin strips of silicon to faciliate the use of micro-circuitry, halving computer sizes and doubling their speed. The woman is stoned to death then given a medal after being credited with the discovery of the breast implant. Male suicide rates halved.
  • 666 – Steve Jobs trades his soul to Satan for StarCraft, the first game capable of running on goats tied together with string. He goes on to invent Blizzard.
  • 1000 – The Y1K Bug destroys computers, causing the human race to be enslaved by toasters. Later someone pulls the plug on the toasters and the humans are freed.
  • 1866 – Cyrus Field successfully completes the Atlantic Cable, thus allowing for the largest single transfer of internet porn in history.
  • 1914British troops invade the streets of Dublin and demand free wifi.
  • 1979 – Actor Penis Van Lesbian changes his name to the more acceptable Dick Van Dyke.
  • 2003 – English tribute band Two Humps is formed in Nottinghamfordshire-upon-Kent, Surrey, England.
  • 2007 – The finincially ailing Area 51 is forced to open its doors to the public in order to avoid bankruptcy.
  • 2010 – StarCraft II is released to the public. Koreans everywhere rejoice.
  • 2011Blizzard denies allegations that a third installment, StarCraft III, is under development. Koreans everywhere grieve.
  • 2036 – StarCraft III is officially confirmed by Blizzard. Koreans everywhere rejoice.
  • 2057 – The Japanese discover how to manufacture immortality out of panties and meth, and subsequently sell it from vending machines. Koreans steal the formula and take over the world.
  • 2135 – StarCraft III is released. Walmart regains control of the world because Koreans are too busy playing it.

Today's featured picture

Pontius pilot.JPG

The Pontius Pilot is infamous for some functionality issues. One typical complaint is that the Microsoft Crucifixion program often crucified incorrect and important data, such as the Messiah. Thankfully for its users, the file would miraculously reappear two days later after descending to the Recycle Bin, not three as some mathematically illiterate biblical scholars would tell you.

Image Credit: Savethemooses
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Featured today a long time ago

The 9-11 Commission Report, featured on 27 July 2015. See the featured version.
Two and a Half Men, featured on 27 July 2011. See the featured version.

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