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From today's featured article - Ludwig Wittgenstein

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Ludwig Hieronymus Kashmir Wittgenstein (26 April 1889 – 29 April 1951), known as the "Rock Star of Modern Philosophy" on account of his uncanny resemblance to David Bowie (see photo opposite. OK, neither do I.) and his habit of tearing up his notes at the end of his lectures (which he called 'gigs') and smashing his deck chair into splinters, sometimes over the heads of select and privileged members of the audience who would afterwards declare they had been 'bowled over' and ‘blown away’ by the sheer intellectual power of the man, when in fact they had all sustained brain damage.

If the truth be told, Wittgenstein was an extraordinarily deep thinker whom no one, not even fellow philosophers, claimed to understand fully during his lifetime. This might have had something to do with his very strong Austrian accent but no one is sure.

Wittgenstein is thought by many door-to-door salesmen, greengrocers and other non-intellectual persons who have very little interest in or knowledge of philosophy to be a twentieth century Hungarian pianist. Some taxi-drivers (see below) interviewed as part of the very extensive and exhaustive in-depth research carried out for the purposes of this article confessed, rather shamefacedly, that they had never heard of him. So much the worse for them. Ignoramuses. (Full article...)

Did you know...

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  • ...that there's only a slight difference between you and me? (pictured)

In the news

On this day...

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September 20: Sexual Innuendo Day

  • 20,000,000 BC – Formation of the Amazon Rainforest, a warm, wet, lush, dripping, virginal jungle.
  • 30,000 BC – Oonak of the Tribe of the Wolf tells Nooma of the People of the Lake that he's got a big, thick woody club back in his cave that he'd love to show her, inventing sexual innuendo.
  • 1187 – Saladin begins a seige on Jerusalem, hoping he can create a crevice in the walls and then forcefully insert his troops.
  • 1519 – Ferdinand Magellan sets sail from Sanlúcar de Barrameda on a long, hard, drawn out expedition to circumnavigate the globe, with about 270 seamen.
  • 1815 – First railroad tunnel finishes construction.
  • 1837Rugby is invented. It is a game played by burly men with odd-shaped balls.
  • 1920 – Strawberry ice cream invented. Strong sales are seen for this soft, wet, pink dessert.
  • 1930 – Workers struggle to erect the mighty tower of the Empire State Building.
  • 1934Sophia Loren born.
  • 1939 – Second World War declared. Churchill states in his first War-time speech: "We're going to be up against stiff opposition, and what we as a nation will experience in the coming months is going to be long and hard. "
  • 1940 – First printing of "Biggles Goes Down".
  • 1940 – Allies get access to Japanese military intelligence after the Japanese "Purple" code is decrypted by Genevieve Grotjan, a cunning linguist.
  • 1941 – After two years of war, the British Royal Air Force choose between naming their planes "the spit-fire" or "the swallow-water."
  • 1942 – Werner Von Braun continues work perfecting the V-2 rocket. The V-2 is designed to burn ethanol and liquid oxygen, causing exhaust to spurt out of the nozzle, generating prolonged, forceful thrust.
  • 1958 – Popsicles, lollipops, bananas and cucumbers are invented during the Phallic Famine of 1958. Thousands
  • 1960 – Oil mining in Alberta, Canada goes wrong, causing the rig to get stuck pumping farther and farther into the hole while the rich liquid spewed out.
  • 1965 - Wham-O's Superball is introduced and becomes a runaway hit, because people love to play with balls.
  • 1969 – Heh.
  • 1993 – Foundations laid for the Three Gorges Dam.
  • 2005Israel pulls out of Palestine.
  • 2006 – Work continues on the Tautona gold mine in South Africa. Extending three miles underground, this mine hold's the record for the world's longest shaft. Plans are being drawn up to plunge the shaft still deeper into the womb of the earth.
  • 2006 – President Bush's attempts to quell the violence in Iraq prove impotent, making his presidency look increasingly limp and flaccid. He insists this is the "first time this has happened to me."

Today's featured picture

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You want surreal? Try wasting four hours a day waxing your 'stache until it closely resembles your entire Catalonian name. That's surreal.

Image Credit: Imrealized
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Featured users

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The winner of the coveted Writer of the Month award for May 2014 is Uncyclopedia's very own mysterious father figure, Snarglefoop! In the month's since his winning of our Noob of the Moment award, Snarglefoop has refused to slow down on his quest to become not only the mysterious father figure of Uncyclopedia, but our cool uncle who's always a little bit drunk and talks to us about music and girls while our parents are busy chatting with the other relatives about driving directions or whatever. God, he's such a cool guy! I don't know why Aunt Mable got a restraining order against him but it's probably because she just couldn't handle how hip and with-it he is. Aunt Mable's a total square. She won't even let me swim in the pool when we have Christmas at her house because it's "too cold out for that" and "you can't swim in sweat pants and a denim jacket." Pfft. S-Q-U-A-R-E, squuuuuuuaaaaaaaarrrrrreeee.

Anyway, we usually add some wiki-links to some of the user's articles when someone wins this award, but Snarglefoop doesn't appear to have made a vanity list of his works on his userpage, and we here at the Uncyclopedia Award Dispersal Department are much too lazy to go digging for them if that's going to be the case. Trust us, though. They are very spicy and saucy, and they go great with a John Coltrane album and some rosehips. You're welcome.


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The latest addition to our staff of ace UnNews reporters, Banzaikitten has burrowed his way into our cold, black hearts and managed to scrape out the Noob of the Moment award for May of 2014! In a candid interview with our winner, that may or may not have actually happened, he told us that he plans to continue putting out hard-hitting journalism with a finger on the pulse of society. In response to our inquiries of which of his previous pieces were meant to be in said style, he was heard to utter a hearty "Oh, sod off. What is this, The Onion?"

Banzaikitten: The Voice Of Our Times, The Noob Of Our Moment.


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Nobody won the Uncyclopedian of the Month award in May. Our team of research analysts has taken this to mean that you are all horrible Uncyclopedians who should be ashamed of yourselves. What is this crap? You call this a website?! You make me so mad. I hope you get some sick.


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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