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From today's featured article - Captain Autofellatio

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Captain Autofellatio is a noble and powerful superhero. His powers include a slightly longer than usual penis and an unusually flexible spine. Captain Autofellatio uses these powers to keep citizens safe from harm and to give himself oral pleasures. Well, mostly to give himself oral pleasures.

Along with his compatriots in arms, Captain Obvious, Captain Understatement, and Captain Oblivious, Captain Autofellatio forms one fourth of the powerful superhero team,The Good Four. The team had originally called themselves the Fantastic Four, but were sued for copyright infringement, and when it came time to rename their squad, their hearts just weren't in it.

Captain Autofellatio first appeared in the Marvel comic book,The Incredible Spider-Man Meets the Remarkable Captain Autofellatio. There, his amazing backstory was revealed.

Autofellatio was once a humble VCR salesman named Heath Harmon. One day, the enterprising young Harmon was bringing a shipment of VCRs to a meth lab, when it exploded, cracking his lower four ribs. Doctors had no choice but to remove these ribs to prevent them from puncturing his spleen, which would have been bad. (Full article...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured.png Feral Child, featured on 22 August 2011. See the featured version.
Cylon and Garfunkel, featured on 22 August 2010. See the featured version.
Guide to a Postmodernist Art Exhibition, featured on 22 August 2009. See the featured version.

Did you know...

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  • ...the secret to good advertising is to lie? (pictured)
  • ...that cats only pretend not to like to swim?
    • ...and that they like it even more while inside a burlap sack?
  • ...that The Oldest Trick in the Book is the infamous "Tapping on a person's left shoulder when you're standing on their right"? This trick was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia.
  • ...that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
  • ...that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA
  • ...that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?
  • ...that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers?

In the news

On this day...

August 22: Obvious Day (24-hour period to celebrate the recognition of things which are readily apparent)
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  • 1492 - First encounter between Native Americans and Europeans. "I think these guys are up to no good," the local shaman remarks after being promptly shot.
  • 1717 - Spanish troops land on Sardinia. Having forgotten the can opener, they promptly leave.
  • 1939 - The Third Reich and the Nazis continue their march across Europe. This is bad.
  • 1940 - As the Germans invade Belgium, a local looks up from his waffles and remarks "This seems somehow familiar."
  • 1945 - Nazis defeated. This is good.
  • 1948 - Jewish state of Israel founded in the predominantly Arab Middle East. This will later cause problems.
  • 1966 - Captain Obvious is born. Doctor proclaims, "It's a boy," because the child has a penis.
  • 1973 - Brutal, murderous dictator Augusto Pinochet takes control over Chile. "I bet the CIA is helping this guy," says a random intellectual just before being abducted by a group of soldiers in black helicopters.
  • 2012 - People actually acknowledge that the Titanic was in fact not unsinkable.

Today's featured picture

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The Microsoft Word Processor is good for the office and the kitchen! It can be yours for just 3 easy payments of $39.99!

Image Credit: Tripod2282
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Writer and Uncyclopedian of the Month, and Noob of the Moment

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The winner of the coveted Writer of the Month award for May 2014 is Uncyclopedia's very own mysterious father figure, Snarglefoop! In the month's since his winning of our Noob of the Moment award, Snarglefoop has refused to slow down on his quest to become not only the mysterious father figure of Uncyclopedia, but our cool uncle who's always a little bit drunk and talks to us about music and girls while our parents are busy chatting with the other relatives about driving directions or whatever. God, he's such a cool guy! I don't know why Aunt Mable got a restraining order against him but it's probably because she just couldn't handle how hip and with-it he is. Aunt Mable's a total square. She won't even let me swim in the pool when we have Christmas at her house because it's "too cold out for that" and "you can't swim in sweat pants and a denim jacket." Pfft. S-Q-U-A-R-E, squuuuuuuaaaaaaaarrrrrreeee.

Anyway, we usually add some wiki-links to some of the user's articles when someone wins this award, but Snarglefoop doesn't appear to have made a vanity list of his works on his userpage, and we here at the Uncyclopedia Award Dispersal Department are much too lazy to go digging for them if that's going to be the case. Trust us, though. They are very spicy and saucy, and they go great with a John Coltrane album and some rosehips. You're welcome.


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The latest addition to our staff of ace UnNews reporters, Banzaikitten has burrowed his way into our cold, black hearts and managed to scrape out the Noob of the Moment award for May of 2014! In a candid interview with our winner, that may or may not have actually happened, he told us that he plans to continue putting out hard-hitting journalism with a finger on the pulse of society. In response to our inquiries of which of his previous pieces were meant to be in said style, he was heard to utter a hearty "Oh, sod off. What is this, The Onion?"

Banzaikitten: The Voice Of Our Times, The Noob Of Our Moment.


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Nobody won the Uncyclopedian of the Month award in May. Our team of research analysts has taken this to mean that you are all horrible Uncyclopedians who should be ashamed of yourselves. What is this crap? You call this a website?! You make me so mad. I hope you get some sick.


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners


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