From today's featured article - Cherry
A cherry is a deep red fruit that looks kind like a petite pair of buttocks, and is reputed to improve anything it is placed on top of, kind of like a petite pair of buttocks.
A typical cherry is composed of;
- A hard pip or stone to choke on.
- Some juicy blood red flesh to ruin your white shirts with.
- A little stalk or handle to be carelessly thrown over your shoulder because no one wants the mess through a pile of stalks for another juicy cherry.
However they also taste really, ridiculously sweet when ripe, and for that they are considered the (cherries and) cream of the fruit crop. Hence the term "cherry-picking" for selecting only the best and leaving everyone else the mediocre choices akin to the squashed grapes and gooey brown bits of pear at the bottom of a fruit salad.
Cherries grow on a blossoming tree beloved by the Japanese and hated by George Washington. The objective truth is somewhere between the opinions of the 120 million Asians and the one Founding father; the flowers of the cherry tree are not as persuasive as roses, but a visit to Tokyo to see them would surely be enough to convince anyone to pop your cherry, so to speak. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that What's-his-name off that thing (pictured) was in that film with that other dude?
- ...that to the untrained ear, John Aglethorpe's Ode to the Monotony of Life may simply sound like one continuous, monotonous tone, but the song is actually composed mostly of alterations between the A sharp and B flat notes tied together?
- ...that it takes a great amount of sexual commitment to get a computer turned on, but once your computer is properly aroused, it can offer you some of the greatest sexual thrills you may ever experience?
- ...that neither cows nor foxes can run for governor in Wisconsin?
- ...that Africa's space program, AIDS, has had several successful launches to altitudes over 11 feet?
- ...that I am Batman?
- ...that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside?
In the news
On this day...
International Time Travel Day
- 1492 - Christopher Columbus invents herpes to pass the time on tedious transatlantic voyages.
- 1701 - Philadelphia, Pennsylvania incorporated as an American city.
- 1776 - The first Continental Congress adjourns in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
- 1805 - Citizens, using stolen British documents, develop simple time travel and travel back to 1701 and eradicate Philadelphia in order to save the East Coast from what would be present Philadelphia. Make second stop a bit farther east and remove area of future New Jersey for good measure as well. All is peaceful.
- 1822 - The Rock discovers the secret to time travel, goes back in time to kill Hitler, only to realize Hitler wasn't born yet.
- 1917 - The first Lifetime limited warranty is created when Congress passes the Broken Stamp Act of 1917.
- 1921 - Highlander comes forward a billion years and impales Sean Connery on a parking meter, revenge ensues.
- 1944 - Albert Einstein and Nikola Tesla invent a time machine by accident. They travel to 1996 and meet Elton John, The Spice Girls and Bill Clinton's Cigar. They promptly return home, dismantle the time machine and deny it ever happened. It has become known amongst Conspiracy Theorists as the Philadelphia Experiment
- 1946 - Enjoy whale meat day (Japan)
- 1969 - The 69 sex position is invented by Christopher Lloyd.
- 1980 - The 1981 DMC DeLorean, which is later used as a time machine, is released.
- 1985 - Dr. Emmett Brown invents a time machine out of a DeLorean
- 1988 - Bill and Ted build a time machine out of a phone booth for access to space porn.
- 1988 - Pre-Emo angsty teenage outsider, Donnie Darko, avoids being killed by a time-traveling jet engine by sleeping on a golf course.
- 1988 - Pre-Emo angsty teenage outsider, Donnie Darko, is killed by a time-traveling jet engine.
- 1994 - First Time Cop trained; turns into serial killer, but accidently destroys own grandmother, creating a paradox called Doctor Who.
- 1996 - The less popular 96 sex position is invented after the birth of Jesus.
- 1999 - The 99 sex position is invented. Wait -- How does that work?
- 2000 - It is discovered that Rosa Parks was actually a middle-aged caucasian man named Hank.
- 2001 - First Time Traveller's Convention Held in New York. No future being reported.
- 2003 - Goverment develops a time machine, George W. Bush travels to the past to party with his past self and Hitler.
- 2006 - Some angsty teenager has an internal conflict with herself about stuff only Col. Sherman Potter and his son Harry Potter would understand.
Newest articles edit
Samsung • Muslim Magomayev • Solar flares • UnDebate:Should women rap? • Ebola • MACHOs and WIMPs • Solar wind • Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers • Halloween III: Season of the Witch • Arkady Ostrovsky • Trojan asteroid • Antibiotics • UnBooks:Mummy, why is father so old? • UnScripts:Yes, I'm a lolita • Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant • Vine • My Yu-Gi-Oh! collection • Regular Show • Three Days Grace • I Write Sins Not Tragedies • Music theory (rw) • Han Solo • Labyrinth • Jared Leto (rw) • My Week Without Porn • Typography refresh • Why?:Spay and neuter • Far side of the moon • Canadian baseball • The Seventh Seal • HowTo:Get Laid by Playing Guitar • Potatoe • VHS • Cockroach (rw)
Uncyclopedia's sister projects
Uncyclopedia is hosted by the Uncyclomedia Foundation, a non-profitable organization that also hosts a range of other projects.