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From today's featured article

According to God's True Word, here are the worst 100* ways to deliver bad news. If you have to tell someone you crashed his car, killed his dog or banged his mum, don't use any of these methods (or at least start at the top).

* God does not care to count this list too closely, and believers are wise not to criticize divine numeration policy. (Full article...)

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In the news

Jeff Bezos caught stuffing weird old fat dude into trunk of his car

Whirlpool Galaxy files restraining order against Neil deGrasse Tyson
Jeff Bezos caught stuffing old fat dude into his trunk (Pictured)
Trump releases abhorrent holiday stimulus package
George H.W. Bush dies: Best and worst of his life
Murphy Brown revival not cancelled, (Dan Quayle joke withheld in light of recent events)
Solipsist suicide bomber "not true solipsist" says solipsist community
Book finally sells after 27 years, now Hollywood's calling
UnNews remembers Stan Lee
How would Ye sound as a metal band?
Vote your ass off
Kang and Kodos offensive, claims documentary
RWNJ vandalizes Halloween billboard ad
It looks like your ad blocker is on
UnNews remembers Burt Reynolds
Trump blows up the outside world in Soundgarden tribute
Supreme Court says Mississippi River is too gay, renames it to Mistersippi
Louis C.K. goes outside in George Michael tribute
John McCain dies at 81
Metal Machine Music overtakes Chris Gaines as worst selling album of all time
Fox News: 9 out of 10 Aretha Franklins are Patti LaBelle
Halloween soundtrack arrives in October
Madonna is 60. Feel old yet?
UnNews remembers Aretha Franklin
TV's Mrs. Garrett dies at 92
Lordy, there are tapes!
Trump would/wouldn't flip changes US history
The Dark Knight: Ten years later
Chevy Chase, Maryland to change name to Bill Murray
Donald Trump farts
A Saucerful of Secrets is 50 years old! Also Michael Jackson

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Did you know

... that Vladimir Putin's warm and paternal gaze can cure cancer?

... that at any second, of any minute, of any hour, of any day, a massive nuclear bomb could land on your house?
- ... and that the only way to survive is to crouch underneath your desk?
... that removing the rubber bands from the claws of a Lobster can result in oh god get it off get it OFF OH GOD MY FACE!
... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?
... that neither cows nor foxes can run for governor in Wisconsin?
... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?
... that making a band usually involves frantically begging family and strangers to join?
... that a drummer is someone who hangs out with musicians?

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On this day

December 9:

1337 - Time for a plagarized, boring, cliched, 1337 reference! L0L!!1!ONE@
1946 - The Doctors' Trial (for crimes committed during episodes of Doctor Who), begins at the BBC.
1958 - The John Birch Society is founded to fight the perceived threat of certain types of trees.
1967 - Canada invades Greenland, prompting what most historians regard as the most boring war in the history of mankind.
1976 - The CIA fabricates much of the Western United States from Balsa wood and duct tape.
1982 - December 8 outstays welcome.