From today's featured article
“I can now reveal that the winner of Big Brother two-thousand and twelve is…”' Davina McCall’s voice bellows into the house. I’m one of the final two contestants and I’ve had one helluva time this summer here in this fish box. Literally, it’s been hell. The dramatic pause continues.
Of course it’s a foregone conclusion that I’m not going to win, I’m the slightly amusing one that no one hates enough to vote out but who no one likes enough to remember. My competition, Dane, sits across from me picking his nose and eating it. I sigh as the pause continues.
"The winner is…"
I continue to fiddle with my Rubik’s Cube. I stare at Dane and he looks at the camera as it moves along the rail in that same fascinated way he did back on Day One. Even when the others were here it was still a pain having Dane around. Making sure he got fed and didn't throw his drinks around the room changing his nappies, we were basically babysitters. Honestly I really think that entering a chimp is taking diversity to the extreme.
“DANE!!!” I’d almost forgotten she’d started a sentence and was momentarily confused. “Commiserations Craig! Make you’re way to the door, I’m coming to get you!” I ignored the paradox.
In the ad break I had time to wonder yet again: why did I decide to audition for Big Brother? (Full article...)
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Did you know...
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In the news
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On this day...
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June 19: Faja Day (Netherlands); Irony Is Ironic Day (UK)
- 1138 - George Lucas devises the evil world conquering plan of THX.
- 1269 - King Louis IX of France orders all Jews found in public without an identifying yellow badge to be fined "if they want to be fined, but really, if they want trouble, run away quickly, cause I think they breathe fire and stuff"
- 1443 - Graham The Bastard is crowned King of Ireland
- 1770 - Somebody says "Jesus is coming soon". His followers are still waiting.
- 1776 - In the beginning of the American Revolution, Boston Herald proclaims: "HOLY SHIT! WE'RE WINNING!"
- 1792 - Puzzle potato officially missing from French treasury.
- 1816 - William Henry Webb is born. Vows to make a world wide name for himself. Invents extremely silly game.
- 1865 - Slaves in Texas finally figure out that they're free, only two years after being told so.
- 1866 - Slaves in Texas, after much debate, decide to go back to being slaves because they don't know what else to do.
- 1867 - Slaves in Texas realize that they can breathe fire and shoot lasers out of their eyes, and soon proceed to take over the Bush administration.
- 1943 - Race wars are held Beaumont, Texas, leaving the tally: Whites – 287; Everyone else – 0
- 1953 - The Rosenbergs commit suicide by electric chair in Sing Sing Sing Prison.
- 1980 - Freddy Mercury spies a silouette on the wall.
- 1983 - Batman has New Years Eve Party at Wayne Manor. In attendance are Spiderman, Superman, and Wonder Woman among others, but a lonely Bruce Banner is left out of the loop.
- 1984 - The Incredible Hulk is born.
- 1987 - Kool Aid is first conceived by Elvis Costello.
- 1989 - Hamburger Helper slaps Chef Boyardee; Valachi family outraged
- 2007 - Gary Coleman's low budget commercial is aired on ABC
- 2008 - Jamie Lynn Spears gives birth to bastard daughter, Maddie
- 2009 - Osama Bin Laden voted biggest dick in universe for ninth straight year.
- 2010 - Neo enters the Matrix again. Changes back to Mr. Anderson.
- 2011 - The exact day that the June 19, 1867 entry was made.
- 2012 - The one year anniversary of the June 19, 1867 entry. But who cares, "2012" would have already happened.
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Writer, Noob, and Uncyclopedian of the Month
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In recent months our awards blurbs and pages have been poorly maintained and full of garbage left out with the intentions of taking it out to the dumpster the next time we get out. Naturally, we don't get out very often and so despite our good intentions, things have been piling up. We sincerely apologize to the six remaining readers we have that have been offended by this gross lack of attention to procedures, and so, we present here a recap of the past two months' award winners in the hopes that they don't pack up and leave due to our constant neglect.
April's winner of Writer of the Month was Kip the Dip, a fine gentleman who assures us that he is not in fact a wizard, but a Time Lord. Or a Klingon, or a sand worm or something. The most important thing to know about Kippy is that he's absolutely deranged. Sick in the head. Completely bonkers. And this entire website is a figment of his overactive imagination.
In May, an equally loony pervert going by the conspicuous moniker of Multiliteralist ran away with the Writer of the Month award, and despite our Un-officers' best efforts to find and apprehend him for this crime, he can still not be located by anyone, and the award is presumed to remain in his possession. This is unfortunate, as we only had the one and have just been sort of rotating it around to all the winners as of yet. Our top scholars are working on finding a solution for this issue and we hope to have a new one ready by the next time somebody wins this award.
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Noob of the Moment for April 2013 was the one and only RedHot. We have word that he is, in fact, red hot, and so we advise that Uncyclopedians who aren't equipped with the proper protective clothing NOT touch him, for risk of almost certain third, fourth, or even ninth degree burns. Somehow this has not gotten in the way of his incredibly prolific writing, leading us to believe he is in possession of a melt-proof titanium keyboard. While this technology probably does not exist, it's the only feasible explanation as far as we can see.
RedHot also has the distinction of being the only Noob mentioned in this month's blurbs section because nobody won the award in May. We assume this is because of a bend in space-time that allowed for RedHot's awesomeness to radiate between months, causing little need for another noob to win. Uncyclopedia's Top Astrophysicists (UTA) are currently working on a fix for the bend in space-time, as it's starting to get out of control and becoming quite an eyesore.
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All levity aside...wait, hold on...okay, all levity aside, Uncyclopedia is extremely lucky to have a crack server team working on the website 24/7 - around the clock - most of the time - whenever they can be arsed. And one of the staples of that magnificent team, which aided us in our liberation from our previous hosts, is Legoktm, a conspicuously normal computer person who has never written an article on Uncyclopedia. In fact, I hear tell that he actually hangs around our smelly sister site, Wikipedia. Imaginary turf wars and levity aside, Legoktm has been integral in keeping Uncyclopedia from falling apart for the better part of six months, and for that he receives the ultimate in poorly cobbled together Uncyclopedia honors, April's coveted Uncyclopedian of the Month!
In May, our very own insane road warrior MadMax won this coveted prize for a record third time. Uncyclopedians everywhere agree that although nobody seems to remember ever having had a conversation with Max, he's quite the upstanding gentleman and giving him this award a meager three times in a stunning eight years of unparalleled service to the Great Cause is as much an insult as it is an honor. We plan to nominate him for this award every month for the next eight years to make up for this.
Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners
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Uncyclopedia's sista projects
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Uncyclopedia is hosted by the Uncyclomedia Foundation, a non-profitable organization that also hosts a range of other projects.
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This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 29,978 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
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