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Title: Obscuragraphs of Hans Helmuth Saltzman (1602-1668), diplomat and experimenter, in the Mizterville Archivianshlotze Library Collection
Dates of creation of material: 1640-1668
Extent: 31 boxes
The Saltzman family were merchants and bankers within the Hanseatic League for two centuries up to the time of Peter the Great. Their fortune reached its zenith in Hans Helmuth's lifetime, when many of their family members were attached to European courts as diplomats and money brokers, below and behind the aristocratic tier of ambassadors and ecclesiastical envoys, with whom they exchanged patronage for finance. Hans Helmuth Saltzman was an attaché to the Ambassador of Schleswig-Holstein during the latter part of the reign of Charles I, and was an important and impartial witness to the internal divisions of English society at the time. As a youngest son, he was not obliged to devote himself to his family business, and could afford the life of a gentleman-scholar and experimenter. During this period he often collaborated with the Enlightenment greats in England, France and the German states, and some scholars believe that he may have been the true personage of a highly-regarded English playwright (although most disagree, citing Saltzman's lack of discipline in the literary arts during his younger years). His immersion in the process of Scientific discovery, however, was made relatively late in life, when Saltzman was in his forties, when he met the famous inventor Robert Hooke who inspired him with his theories in optics. (Full article...)
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Did you know...
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- ...that the man on the left is admiring the bare torso of the man on the right in a purely non-sexual manner? (pictured)
- ...that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around?
- ...that Barns and Nobles is the most successful medieval farming roleplaying game, played by millions of teenage nerds worldwide?
- ...that Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination A, the sister drug to Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination B, is very effective against Stupendous Tropical Meningitis?
- ... that it has been proven beyond reasonable doubt that the reason for 50% of modern marriages ending in divorce is because those people try to go to IKEA together for a relaxing afternoon?
- ...that en passant is actually French for "inventing new rules as you go along?"
- ...that Godot isn't coming?
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In the news
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On this day...
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August 1: Independence Day (Switzerland), Swiss Cheese Day (Everywhere Else)
- 1844 – The FBI executes a sting operation intended to disrupt turnip trafficking, apprehending turnip kingpin Baldrick (pictured).
- 1910 – Los Angeles suffers it first drive-by shooting from a car, a Ford Model T. However, the culprit is quickly apprehended by LAPD, who were chasing on foot.
- 1919 – The people of Zimbabwe elect their first Lord High Bison.
- 1923 – Calvin Klein proclaims himself Emperor of Cologne, Germania.
- 1957 – Rod Serling is ticketed in the Middle Ground between Light and Shadow for driving Noon in a Twilight Zone.
- 1979 – Australia's first kangaroo prime minister is elected. He later appoints marsupials to the judiciary, resulting in the establishment of kangaroo courts.
- 1980 – Australia's first kangaroo prime minister is assassinated by a koala. Conspiracy theories quickly emerge as witnesses claim to have seen a surfer on the grassy knoll.
- 2015 – 12:00pm France declares war on Switzerland as it's cheese industry takes a massive blow from swiss cheese sales. 1 hour 45 minutes later they surrender.
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Writer and Uncyclopedian of the Month, and Noob of the Moment
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The winner of the coveted Writer of the Month award for May 2014 is Uncyclopedia's very own mysterious father figure, Snarglefoop! In the month's since his winning of our Noob of the Moment award, Snarglefoop has refused to slow down on his quest to become not only the mysterious father figure of Uncyclopedia, but our cool uncle who's always a little bit drunk and talks to us about music and girls while our parents are busy chatting with the other relatives about driving directions or whatever. God, he's such a cool guy! I don't know why Aunt Mable got a restraining order against him but it's probably because she just couldn't handle how hip and with-it he is. Aunt Mable's a total square. She won't even let me swim in the pool when we have Christmas at her house because it's "too cold out for that" and "you can't swim in sweat pants and a denim jacket." Pfft. S-Q-U-A-R-E, squuuuuuuaaaaaaaarrrrrreeee.
Anyway, we usually add some wiki-links to some of the user's articles when someone wins this award, but Snarglefoop doesn't appear to have made a vanity list of his works on his userpage, and we here at the Uncyclopedia Award Dispersal Department are much too lazy to go digging for them if that's going to be the case. Trust us, though. They are very spicy and saucy, and they go great with a John Coltrane album and some rosehips. You're welcome.
The latest addition to our staff of ace UnNews reporters, Banzaikitten has burrowed his way into our cold, black hearts and managed to scrape out the Noob of the Moment award for May of 2014! In a candid interview with our winner, that may or may not have actually happened, he told us that he plans to continue putting out hard-hitting journalism with a finger on the pulse of society. In response to our inquiries of which of his previous pieces were meant to be in said style, he was heard to utter a hearty "Oh, sod off. What is this, The Onion?"
Banzaikitten: The Voice Of Our Times, The Noob Of Our Moment.
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