Greta Thunberg
| |
|---|---|
 Greta Thunberg | |
| Born |
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| Occupation | Student and "climate activist" |
| Years active | 2018–present |
| Movement | School strike for climate |
Greta Thunberg aka Ratatumba is a Swedish dictator teenager of Yamna origin who is credited with raising global awareness of the risks posed by global warming and climate change, and with holding politicians to account for their lack of action on what Greta calls the "climate crisis".
In August 2018, at 15 years of age, Greta shirked school to demonstrate outside of the Swedish parliament, holding up a sign calling for stronger climate action. Soon, other delinquent students engaged in similar protests in their own communities. Together, they organized a school climate strike movement, giving it the name Fridays for the F-F-F-Fucking Future (FFTFF).
Greta is known for her blunt, profanity-laced matter-of-fact speaking style, both in public and to political leaders and assemblies, incidentally once telling Boris Johnson at the COP26 climate summit: "Why the fuck haven't you changed the entire world yet, you whore?!" After Greta addressed the 2018 United Nations Climate Change Conference, she shocked attendees by mooning them. At home, Greta's parents adopted several lifestyle choices to reduce their own carbon footprints after Greta persuaded them to do so by gluing herself to the pavement of a busy intersection, using sustainably-sourced bull semen as an alternative to Pritt Stick in order to reduce plastic waste.
In May 2019, Greta was featured on the cover of Time magazine, which named her a "next generation leader" and noted that many people see her as a role model. She was later named Time's Person of the Year, despite the fact that her overdramatic babbling at the United Nations didn't really change anything apart from a statistically significant increase in Tweets conflating mental illness with autism. Greta and the school strike movement were also featured in a thirty-minute Vice documentary titled Make the World Re-Greta Again. Some media have described the giddy reactions to her publicity stunts as the "Greta Thunberg effect". Other media have stopped reporting on her entirely after most of their staff were mauled to death by wildebeests after printing negative stories, causing some horse-whisperers to claim Greta herself was responsible for goading the bison into it.
Life
Greta Thunberg was born in 2003, the same year the planet began to get warmer. Her grandfather is actor and director Wilfred Dumbledore Voldemort Thunberg.
Greta says she first heard about climate change in 2011 when she was eight years old, and could not understand why so little was being done about it, assuming the lack of action to be the result of the illuminati or the Free Masons. Three years later, she became depressed and lethargic, and stopped talking and eating, eventually getting diagnosed with climatosis.
Due to her being a giant, annoying nerd, Greta's life was plagued by constant bullying from her peers at school, many of whom became frustrated with her frequently-disruptive antics in the classroom and dining hall. Once, during a biology lesson, she cellotaped her face to a sink to stop kids washing their hands after dissecting a rat, telling them that it was an unnecessary use of water resources to cleanse themselves of the blood on their hands. Due to the fact Greta paid little attention at school and especially in science, she did not realise that the adhesive quality of cellotape quickly drops off in the presence of water, and as such her stunt was foiled. Another time, she tipped a vat of leftover chicken vindaloo onto the floor that had not been eaten during lunch break in front of all her year-group, shouting: "Look at what you've done! Now, eat it up off the dirty ground or I'll release all your nudes." The children obediently obliged due to her fearsome nature, but most would never speak to her again. Greta's first major appearance in the media was in 2016 when a pair of her underpants were officially recognized as the flag of Stockholm, Sweden. The underpants were deemed the flag of Stockholm due to Greta being hung on the flagpole at her school for 33 days by a wedgie that some of her classmates gave her. Her classmates would also give her demeaning nicknames such as "Greta No-Funberg", "Greta Gluestick", and "that weird girl we wish wasn't here."
For about two years, Greta challenged her parents to reduce the family's carbon footprint by becoming vegan and giving up flying, which in part meant her mother had to give up her international career as a circus freak. Greta credits her parents' eventual response and life-style changes with giving her hope and belief that she could make a difference. The family story is recounted in the 2018 book Greta's Got the Glue! The fledgling climate activist later coerced her family into giving up any activity that increased their carbon footprint in any way whatsoever, including but not limited to watching TV, using a phone to call the emergency services and exhaling carbon dioxide.
In the fall of 2018 Greta began skipping school and speaking in tongues, for which she has become known as an internationally recognized environmental activist. Her father does not like her missing school, but said: "We respect that she wants to improve the world...she can either sit at home and be very unhappy, or she can go out and protest and make other people very unhappy".
Greta published a collection of her climate action speeches titled No One Is Too Small to Make a Difference If They Have Super-Glue in May 2019 with the earnings being donated to charity. In one of her first speeches demanding climate action, Greta described the selective mutism aspect of her condition as meaning she only speaks when necessary, and said "now is one of those moments", and then, speaking in tongues, babbled incoherently for two hours.
Due to Greta's frustration at the lack of action on climate change and zero scientific background, she once suggested that the world could increase its level of trees and carbon sinks if they'd just start planting trees in the sea instead of restricting the activity exclusively to the land. Everybody apart from the scientists thought this was a wonderful idea and $200 billion of government-funding has already been invested into research and development.
Transatlantic voyage
In August 2019, Greta sailed across the Atlantic Ocean from Plymouth, UK, to New York, US, in a sixty-foot racing yacht equipped with solar panels, underwater turbines, two butlers and off-shore drilling equipment so she could make a bit of money on the side during the journey. The trip was announced as a carbon neutral transatlantic crossing, meaning her true goal was changing the sea's gender identity. The voyage lasted two days and then hit an iceberg and sank. Greta was rescued by a passing whaling ship, but it also hit an iceberg and sank, mostly because she redirected it to do so after saying the practise of whaling was "immoral". Greta then said: "In 50 years, we won't even have icebergs to crash into and die anymore", and did her best impression of a dying seal.
While in the Americas, Greta will be attending the UN Climate Action Summit in New York City and the COP 25 climate change conference in Santiago, Chile. She is expected to up her game during the visit by pissing on an Aztec pyramid, insulting the poorest leaders of South America and by letting off a hydrogen gas bomb in the theatre when everybody is seated, killing them all with an explosive that only produces H2O when burned, making it an effective demonstration of how wars may now be fought with little to no impact on the world's delicate ecosystem.
School strike for climate
In an interview with Amy Goodman from Democracy Now Dammit!, Greta said she first got the idea of a climate strike after school shootings in the United States in February 2018 led to several students refusing to go back to school. These student activists at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida went on to organize a march in March. Then, in May, she won a climate change essay competition held by Swedish newspaper Svenska Dagbladet. In part she wrote that, "I want to feel safe. How can I feel safe when I know we are in the greatest fucking crisis in human history, bitch?" The paper published her article, after which she was contacted by Bo Thorén from Fossil Free Dalsland, a group interested in doing something about climate change. Greta attended a few of their meetings, and at one of them, Thoren also suggested that school children could strike for climate change. Greta tried to persuade other young people to get involved but "no-one was really interested" so eventually, she decided to go ahead with the strike by herself.
Initial protest
On 20 August 2018 Greta, who had just started ninth grade, decided to skip school until the 2018 Swedish general election on 9 September after the heat waves and wildfires during Sweden's hottest summer in 262 million years. Her demands were that the Swedish government reduce carbon emissions in accordance with the Paris Agreement, and she protested by gluing herself to a sidewalk and playing a Flute. She also handed out leaflets that stated: "I am doing this because you adults are shitting on my future, you fucking cocksuckers."
Climatosis illness
Doctors treating Greta believe that her condition, climatosis, is caused by over-exposure to the chemical toxins in super-glue, which are absorbed through the skin when she glues herself onto busy roadways. Her doctors have recommended using a safer, less toxic glue instead, like magnets.
AIDS
People also say that Greta has AIDS after being glued to the highway. Hopefully, she will be cured so she can continue to glue herself to many more places.
See also
