It is a period of absolute fuckery. But in much easier to stomach news, Disney has announced that it is officially buying 20th Century Fox (which kinda-sorta renamed itself 21st Century Fox... about 15 years too late). Not only does this mean that all the Marvel boys are back home, it also means that there's nothing preventing Disney from possibly releasing the original unaltered theatrical cuts of Star Wars.
UNNEWS ENTERTAINMENT DEPARTMENT (it's debatable whether entertainment is considered "news," but every newspaper has a section for it) -- It's December, which means the holiday season is in full swing. Uncle Joe got fat from eating turkey. You and Grandma Ethel bitched about politics. Billy farted at the dinner table when you cut the turkey. And everybody had a big, happy Thanksgiving. Now Christmas is three weeks away, and there's nothing better to report on because the world is perfectly sane right now. (yeah, right! I wish!)
We know you're fretting over what to get those cute little spoiled rotten brats this year. Well, you've come to the right place. Ladies and gentlemen, UnNews proudly presents to you our Holiday Shopping Preview 2017.
UNNEWS HEADQUARTERS -- As part of my regular news feed on Yahoo!, I stumbled upon an article from The Wrap (not to be confused with its Hip-Hop oriented sister publication, The Rap) that reminded me of something you'd see right here on UnNews. The Wrap is not normally a satire publication, so this caught me and my colleagues by surprise. The article, by Tim Molloy, brilliantly combines Alabama senator-elect Doug Jones with the quirky actor of the same name... and if that weren't enough, he throws in Kyle MacLachlan's character, Dougie Jones, from Twin Peaks, which was recently revived by Showtime. I asked my colleagues if Mr. Molloy was one of our guys, and they were stumped. So I did a bit of sleuthing, or as they call it in our field, investigative journalism.
ALLYBAMMY -- It seems not even 'Bammy will tolerate a sick, perverted pedophile like Republican Roy Moore in the United States Senate. The sexual misconduct allegations certainly cost him big time, as tree-hugging, rich-hating, middle-class-loving, gay-supporting liberal Doug Jones narrowly slaughtered middle-class-hating, gay-hating, underage-girl-loving, tax-hating, rich-loving hypocrite conservative Moore in the Alabama special election to replace Russia-colluding, recusal-violating, perjuring, middle-class-hating, rich-loving, non-rich-white-heterosexual-Christian-hating Republican Jeff Sessions.
WASHINGTON -- 45th* President* of the United States and Cheeto-colored Oompa-LoompaDonald Trump on Wednesday posted a baffling tweet in which he ranted about a popular character created and portrayed by the whitest black filmmaker in Hollywood, Tyler Perry. Nowhere in that tweet did Trump spell "Madea" correctly. It almost looks like he's attacking the mainstream media, until you take a closer look. It could be "media" or "Medina" (as in Tone Loc's "Funky Cold Medina"), but upon re-reading, it is quite evident that the Complainer-in-Chief is referring to Perry's gender-bending alter ego whose credits include the mildly funny but usually boring Diary of a Mad Black Woman,Diarrhea of a Mad Black Woman,Madea's Family Reunion,Madea Goes to Jail,Madea Goes to Camp,Madea Scared Stupid,Madea Tries to Get Out of Jury Duty and Boo! A Madea Halloween. Perry's movies (with or without Madea) usually average 10 to 30 percent Rotten on Rotten Tomatoes.
Your horoscope for today: Your friend told you that it's impossible to tell when someone's urinating in the sea. What he neglected to explain was that it only works like that if you're entirely immersed in the water, not when you're just dipping your feet.
UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible.