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Saturday, March 25, 2017, 11:45 (UTC)
European Union turns Donald Trump into a walrus
UnNews:European Union turns Donald Trump into a walrus
WASHINGTON DC -- America took a well-earned break from presidential politics after Donald Trump disappeared from his Mar-a-Lago retreat last week. The State Department assumed that Trump had absconded from his job and was off selling crap hotels to third world countries, until Secret Service agents found Trump imprisoned inside a WW2-era bunker some miles south of Berlin, mutilated to resemble a walrus. Trump's naked body was sewn into a walrus suit made out of stitched together flesh and filled with blubber. His legs had been sawed off, and his shin bones were reattached to his face as tusks. Trump's matted hairdo was resewn into his new walrus scalp, a sick reminder of the human man he once was. When Trump's rescuers rolled his flabby, piniped body out of the bunker, the sunlight revealing every scar sewn onto his walrus form, every pool of dried blood seeping from his unhealed gashes, the Commander-in-Chief could only scream and hork. His captors had deprived him of his humanity, perhaps forever.

Russia rigs Oscars! Moonlight wins Best Picture after announcing La La Land
UnNews:Russia rigs Oscars! Moonlight wins Best Picture after announcing La La Land
WASHINGWOOD -- Two weeks after the historic Best Picture flub at the 89th Academy Awards, in which frontrunner and fan favorite La La Land was announced as the winner instead of "true" winner Moonlight, The Academy and a group of computer scientists have been able to trace the envelopes back to Russia.

The Soviet country is already at the center of a scandal involving the Donald Trump campaign, including the possibility of having rigged the election.

Video footage revealed that Russian ambassador Sergey Kislyak, already a key figure in the Trump scandal, was present at the Oscars, even taking the stage during the Best Picture mishap. "We didn't think anything of it [at the time]," says Oscar host Jimmy Kimmel. "We thought he was Alfred Hitchcock, as he had claimed."
UnNews remembers Robert Osborne
[Fade in. A fancy living room set.]

Hi, I'm PF4Eva. Our next program, which you are about to see, is a heartfelt tribute to the recently deceased Turner Classic Movies host, Robert Osborne. The face of TCM, Osborne would appear on a living-room set wearing a fancy suit and a smile on his face, discussing the film that was about to be shown, much like I'm doing right now.

Osborne was a small-town boy who eventually became enamored with Hollywood and classic films. This lead him to pursue an acting career with Desilu, under the guidance of Lucille Ball. After Osborne had racked up a few gigs -- including the pilot episode of The Beverly Hillbillies -- Ball, impressed with his encyclopedic knowledge of film, encouraged him to break away from acting and pursue other interests.

He did. He went on to become a film historian, the official biographer for the Oscars, and most notably, the host and face of Turner Classic Movies upon its launch in 1994.

Here now is a tribute to Robert Osborne.

[Fade out. Picture begins.]

Game over, man! Game Over! Bill Paxton dies
UnNews is shocked and saddened to learn that beloved Hollywood actor Bill Paxton has died. The 61-year-old star of Twister, Apollo 13 and James Cameron's Aliens passed away Saturday from a stroke due to heart surgery. [Update: He had an aortic aneurysm. Same thing that killed John Ritter and Alan Thicke.]

A longtime friend of collaborator of Cameron's, one of Paxton's early roles included a Mohawk-wearing punk-ass in The Terminator. They would re-team in 1986 for Aliens -- the mega sequel to Ridley Scott's 1979 classic, Alien -- in the role of Hudson. He was the one who wasn't Michael Biehn, the funny black guy or Paul Reiser. Yup. That's him.

You might remember Paxton in Titanic. He was the one who wasn't Jack, the guy with the mustache, the fat guy or Billy Zane. Yeah, that guy.
Halloween update: David Gordon Green & Danny McBride to helm 11th slasher
HADDONFIELD, Illinois -- The last Halloween movie, Rob Zombie's much-detested Halloween II, was released August 28, 2009 and not a film since. That was almost 7 1/2 years ago.

The last update we gave you, back in May, was that John Carpenter would be returning as an executive producer, godfather, consultant, mentor and composer, collaborating with Jason Blum's Blumhouse. Prior to that announcement, the last word we had gotten was that the Weinsteins had lost the rights to the franchise after two decades.

Now, finally, we can tell you who will be tackling this "recalibration." You probably won't believe me, but Carpenter and the suits have announced that weed comedy filmmakers David Gordon Green and Danny McBride will be writing and directing the next installment -- Green directing, and Green and McBride co-writing and producing through their Rough House Pictures. The film will be released October 19, 2018 -- which, according to the much-detested Halloween: Resurrection, will be Michael Myers's 61st birthday. It will also coincide with the 40th anniversary of the original classic.
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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible.

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