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Turning over a news leaf
Sunday, January 22, 2017, 14:14 (UTC)
Trump-Russia scandal cheat sheet
UnNews:Trump-Russia scandal cheat sheet
RUSHINGTON WASHINGTON -- Wee We at UnNews thought it wood would be a good idea, and a golden opportunity, to take the piss out of the number one thing on Americans' minds right now, the one everybody's rushin' to lampoon. So take a toilet seat, take a piss break, sit back (or stand up, if you want) and relax as we recount like Wisconsin, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Nevada, and Florida should have done the scandal that may very well bring down Donald Trump and make him flush bright red.

Back in June, an ex-senior intelligence official dug up some dirt on Trump's ties to Russia. On June 20, a dossier was written and sent off to the FBI. On August 11, Senator Harry Reid discovered something fishy going on and sent a letter to James Comey, which basically confirmed the allegations against Trump.

On January 10, just 10 short days before Trump's inauguration, Carl "Watergate" Bernstein, among others, broke the story of the 35-page dossier, detailing Trump sleeping with several Russian hookers and having them pee all over him. Russia has all of this on tape and is using it as blackmail. The story was reported by CNN and Buzzfeed. Further reports indicate that the hotel bed that the Russian hookers peed on is one that outgoing President Barack Obama has supposedly slept in, suggesting malice.

Who's performing at Trump's inauguration?
UnNews:Who's performing at Trump's inauguration?
WASHINGTON -- Dicktator Dictator President-Erect Elect Donald Trump will officially take office piss this Friday [January 20, 2017]. And it steams seems like nobody's Russian rushin' to attend, let alone perform. Members of The Rockettes and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir have spoken out against him. Many high- and even low-profile musical acts have declined, either initially or subsequently. And almost every Democratic senator is bailing on the swearing-in of the 45th Pissident President of the USSR USA.

Butt But luckily (or not), wee we have compiled a pissed list of musical acts who are confirmed to be Putin putting on a golden shower.

Schedules performers include: The Beach Boys with Charles Manson; Cosby, Stills, Gnash and DeYoung; SYNC (NSYNC minus Justin Timberlake); Lee Greenwood; Oates; and The Temptation.
Time travelers protest Trump's inauguration
UnNews:Time travelers protest Trump's inauguration
President-elect Donald Trump's inauguration this weekend will prove to be just as controversial and surreal as the rest of his political career, as time travelers from the future will take part in the various D.C. protests.

The arrival of time travelers has been thoroughly reported around the nation's capital for days now, appearing out of glowing electronic orbs and carrying picket signs with slogans written in some indecipherable langauge that we can only assume are clever. Though they don't speak our langauge, they all seem to share a passionate hatred for Donald Trump. It's clearly a universal tongue.

There is at least one traveler who speaks fluent English, one Dr. Zullianne Orxonox, who agreed to speak to the press. Dr. Orxonox is a self-identified anthropologist and professor of history, and says the protestors are students from her university taking part in the protests for extra credit on an exam.

An open letter to electors
From the archives:

Dear electors:

Tomorrow -- Monday, December 19, 2016 -- electors from across the country will meet in their respective state capitols to officially cast their votes for the 45th President of the United States. Republican Donald Trump, who collected 306 electoral votes in a surprising upset in the November 8th general election, is expected to retain his victory over Democratic challenger Hillary Clinton.

There are several reasons for Trump-pledged electors to defect and give their votes to Hillary or another candidate., such as a recent revelation that may unravel the President-Elect's victory.

As you may now by now, Russia hacked voting machines and interfered with the election, affecting the outcome in Trump's favor. This is treason. This alone disqualifies Trump from the office of president. Or as he would put it, this makes him #unpresidented (sic).
A few words about Trump and the 2016 election
From the archives:

(Somber pause)

As you may know by now, Donald Trump won the election in a surprising upset.

(Deep breath, pause, deep breath)

What happened Tuesday [November 9, 2016] was a national nightmare.

(Pause)

Wrong on so many levels. It's a mess.

(Pause. Noise.)

I never thought in a million years that Donald Trump would be President of the United States -- a man with no prior political or (clears throat) military experience. A man who used a hate-filled rhetoric during his entire campaign. The second coming of Hitler. America, where did you go wrong?
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Your horoscope for today: Your granddad passed on his girls' bicycle seat fetish to your dad, who passed it on to you, and you realise that the three of you have created a cycle of abuse.



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