United States Senate
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Politics of the United States
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“I AM THE SENATE!”
“The Senate is a body of elderly men, charged with high duties and misdemeanours.”
The United States Senate, formerly NAMBLA, is the smaller, more deliberative chamber of Congress. It is sometimes known as the upper body of the Congress due to the great number of boobs it possesses, whereas the House of Representatives is known as the lower body due to the great number of dicks it possesses. Since the passage of the Rastafarian Act of 1987, the Senate has also been known as the Higher chamber of Congress.
As set forth in Constitution, all members of the Senate must be certifiably senile. Members may attain this status either through dementia or extreme age, but no one with a sound mind may hold a seat in the Senate.
This requirement stemmed from the Founding Fathers' desire to create two legislative bodies: the lower house would represent the interests of the people and be elected on the basis of direct campaign spending by the people, while the upper house would represent no one, get very little done, generally be a roadblock that would place a check on the excesses of popular whim while working to preserve things "the way they were in the good old days", and make an ass of the country as a whole.
As such, any legislation requires both the approval of the House of Representatives, where approval can be attained by submitting the proper donation to the House Commission of Bribery, the approval of the Senate, where approval can be obtained if you sit patiently and listen to the Senators' long rambling stories and tell them that their grandchildren are very impressive and approval by the NRA.
Make-up of the Senate
The Senate is made up of two representatives from each State in the Union, a request granted after Rhode Island threatened to walk out of the Constitutional Convention in a huff "and take my shaking religious minorities with me" if it didn't get its way. Once elected, Senators serve until their death, which tends to be about six years from election. They may, however, stand for re-election as zombies.
Originally the Senate was elected by the State Legislatures, who would simply promote their most senile member whenever there was a vacancy. However, following a Constitutional Amendment, Senators are now chosen on the basis of who can kiss enough babies without killing one — this change drastically reduced the number of zombies able to be elected.
Duties of the Senate
The Senate was presumed by the Founders to be the more deliberative body of Congress and so was assigned duties accordingly. These include:
- Advice and Consent (A.K.A. "Sign this for me, grandpa.")
- Impeachment Proceedings (which are conducted periodically as entertainment for the masses)
- Tabloid writing
- Lining up sexual partners for world leaders
- Bullshitting with the UN just for the fun with it
- Election of a Vice-President if no winner graduates from the electoral college
- Occassionally field a baseball team that does not win
These duties are usually parceled out to random Senators by making them pick scraps of paper out of a hat.
Perhaps the most famous Senate Procedure is the filibuster, in which a member prevents passage of legislation by continuing to talk so long that the other Senators get bored, wander off and can't vote on the bill. This can be done because the Senate requires 60 votes to close debate and vote.
The 60 vote requirement was another measure added by the Founders to prevent hasty action, but it also proved problematic. Prior to the admittance of the 30th State, there were fewer than sixty Senators, so once it started, debate could not be closed because there were not enough votes to attain cloture. Thus, the Senate only infrequently attempted to debate anything until 1817, when it began a debate about what brand of ham to purchase for the Senate lunch room. Unable to bring the measure to a vote, the debate continued for 31 years until the admission of the State of Wisconsin brought the 59th and 60th Senators to Washington, allowing debate to end. Wisconsin demanded that they should receive compensation for providing the Senators necessary to bring the measure to a vote. The Senate agreed, but realizing that they were broke (as usual), decided to ship the pork they had just ordered for their lunch room to Wisconsin, in place of monetary compensation. This incident led to the phrase "pork-barrel" politics.
Little Known Power
The senate possesses a little known power mentioned in Article Four paragraph six of the Constitution which states that when Gaius Julius Caesar enters the Senate, the senators,if fufilling the conditions of wearing togas, holding daggers, and having a nearby statue of Pompeii, have the power to assassinate Caesar. This power has been used once in the history of the American Senate, during the Spanish-American War.
Main article: U.S. Senator
- Conrad Burns, (R Montana)
- Jon Stevens Corzine, (D New Jersey)
- Ted Kennedy, (D Massachusetts)
- Playboy Bunny Kendra Wilkinson, (R California)
- John Kerry, (D Masochism)
- Tom Coburn, (R Oklahoma)
- Rick Santorum, (R Pennsylvania)
- Saxby Chambliss, (R Georgia)
- Robert Byrd, (D West Virginia)
- Trent Lott, (R Mississippi)
- Ben Mitchell, (Green Party Maine)
- Charles Sumner
- SpongeBob SquarePants, (I Pacific Ocean)
- The Fury, (R Louisiana)
- Ronald McDonald
- Kermit The Frog
- Marge Simpson, (D Whatever state Springfield is in)
- Padme Amidala senator from Naboo
- Bail Organa Sentaor from Alderaan
- Emperor Palpatine
- Adolf Hitler AKA Bob Dole