Holy Bible: Revised Neocon Edition
The Jee Man Himself has Shown, in His infinite Wisdom, that He is the Ultimate Purveyor of all things Awesome, Nifty, Spiffy, and generally Interesting. He has personally Reviewed this page and Given His Blessing. The submitter may be Forgiven three venial sins or one mortal sin.
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This article is too close to the TRUTH! Citizens should begin to feel uneasy or bemused now. Fnord. |
Who are you going to trust: this Uncyclopedia article, or your lying eyes?
This translation of the Bible was written by God, the real One, not that one who sits in the street screaming at passersby about the aliens who stole his underwear. It takes into account the greatest findings from such reputable Neocon scholars as Rush Limbaugh, and Ronald Reagan. It speaks to our generation in a manner which no other translation can, because it has pop-up features. It is also known as the Apocalypse Book.
The Ten Neocon Commandments[edit | edit source]
I. "I am the Lord thy God; thou shalt not have other guns before me, unless they come from an all night pawn shop."
II. "Thou shalt not support socialist programs."
III. "Remember thou keep holy the Sun Tzu quotes."
IV. "Honour thy father and thy mother, except in the White House."
V. "Thou shalt not kill liberal nerds, although I admit it is tempting. Wounding them is accepted and recommended."
VI. "Thou shalt not commit adultery, except if you are elected into office or nobody else is watching. If nobody else knows about it, it didn't happen. If someone accuses you of adultery work with the CIA and NSA to discredit them as an enemy combatant."
VII. "Thou shalt not steal money, except if you are an executive or a scandal happens, then everyone for themselves."
VIII. "Thou shalt not lead the nation into a war with false information unless it is amusing and in public."
IX. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, although thy congressional pages are OK."
X. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's mmiicccee.ee"
Seven Deadly Sins of Neocon Christianity[edit | edit source]
1. Communism.
2. Some political thing goes here. Mostly about liberals/democrats.
3. Oprah.
4. Rehabilitation instead of execution.
5. The letter after "K".
6. Nice people.
7. Michael Moore.
8. Poor accounting ability.
9. Marijuana.
10. Questioning the fact that there are 10 "Seven Deadly Sins"
11. Not dealing heroin and small arms to South American resistance groups and Iran. (This Eleventh sin was created in opposition to the Liberal Bible's Eleventh Sin of "Not committing adultery when holding public office" Or the twelfth liberal sin of "Adding pointless points to Uncyclopedia lists"")
12. Not giving $3,000,000,000 of American taxpayers money as well as CIA training, small arms, rocket launchers, tanks and satellite images of Soviet troop movements to “freedom fighters” such as Osama Bin Laden in Afghanistan.
13. Not being Evil they should just laugh in a corner whilst being happy
14. Saying that there are in fact 14 "Seven Deadly Sins" when really... em... IT'S A GLITCH IN THE MATRIX! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!!!
15. Not dedicating your office to God.
16. Blasphemy against our interpretation of the Bible. That includes pointing out that the New Testament dismisses the anti-gay Jewish law as a "curse" and as the "ministry of death that brought condemnation". And the conspicuous lack of "ceremonial", and usage of "whole" in Galatians. And the fact that Genesis's 6 creation "days" were long enough for trees to grow
Neocon Biblical Philosophy[edit | edit source]
Neocons generally have no Biblical Philosophy because they aren't brainwashed swine like Atheists who foolishing believe in Athe by denying she exists. Instead they are ignorant silverfish that follow fascism, except they hold others to rules but not themselves. In fact, Neocon Biblical Philosophies if any exist, are to be applied to non-Neocons but not Neocons. Which means Neocons can do whatever the hell they want, but hold non-Neocons accountable for their actions and behaviors.
The unwritten Neocon Bibilcal Philosophy that Neocons generally do not follow (at least they claim not to follow anyway) are as follows:
- Don't take The Bible so literally, try to make things up if you can.
- Peaceful protests mean people should get beaten up by Police Officers and get killed or go to jail.
- Minority groups should not be the ones running governments, only the elected officials opinions and views count.
- When in danger, when it doubt, run in circles, scream and shout, then blame the Non-God-Fearing Democrats.
- Life is tough, life is hard, so make it tougher and harder for everyone else.
- Refuse to take responsibility for your actions and behaviors, but hold others responsible for their actions and behavior. Loki gives you special permission to act like a hypocrite, but not others.
- You have a right to your opinions and views, and a right to the freedom of speech, but not non-neocons and others that you disagree with.
- That peasants and nobles alike shall go forth and work the land for 6o head of cattle per day. Apparently this was the first form of capitalism.
- Instead of blaming the government for terrorism, you should blame the protesters and terrorists for being stupid and causing the terrorists to take up terrorism.
- Who needs facts and evidence, when the ones with the most News Networks and loudest voices, are the ones who get the public's attention. After all, the truth is boring, but Neocon lies are exciting and make news.
- When backed into a corner during a debate, counter-attack by calling other people names like Crybaby, horseface, fat bastard, or nancy boy, but then accuse others of doing the same thing, but claim you never did such a thing.
God wrote the Bible whilest learning computer networking in college. The actual philosophy of the Holy Bible: Neocon Edition is therefore up for debates. One group of Neocon Christians say that there is no Neocon Bible philosophy, while the other group made up their own Neocon Bible Philosophy, yet unlike Atheists these Neocon Christians are brainwashed swine who believe in God by telling the world that he does exist. This section of the article has been rewritten a dozen times and blanked at least twice as much as a result of these two waring factions of Neocon Christians.
Differences From Orthodox Christianity[edit | edit source]
- Orthodox Christians teach that necrophilia is fun, while NeoCon Christians say that the only true unsinful and truly erotic expirence is self-castration
- Orthodox Christians claim that reason is useful to some degree, yet reject any conclusions that conflict with the Bible, despite its obvious flaws as a scientific text. NeoCon Christians allegedly like to talk about the Bible teaching that insects have four legs, though "insect" is a modern taxonomical classification with few precedents in the ancient world. NCCC's also like to say that Orthodox Christians believe the word of God states the need for socialism.[. This is based on hundreds of thousands of Orthodox Christians claiming exactly that. Nevertheless, some Orthodox Christians, who recognise that the Bible does not explicitly state that money in itself is actually evil, choose to ignore a large body of their more fundamentalist cousins.
- Orthodox Christians claim to think logically about the Bible, but they really just reject parts that don't cater to their desires. Many NeoCon Christians do the exact same thing. So, there is no actual difference. Never mind.
- Orthodox Christians, ignoring the vast bulk of human history, teach that God will punish people just for fun as in the biblical smitings with disease, prolapsed colons, and defilement. They believe that infinite punishment for limited transgressions is an aspect of goodness, and that God really hates punishing people, but still does it to those who have the gall to think that such a policy is a load of bullshit.
- NeoCon Christians believe that this type God is petty, violent, and less just than your parents. They also insist that Jesus made people castrate themselves in the Bible. Orthodox Christians believe that the latter is very clear on the point that some people were to become eunuchs out of their own free will, and can't fathom the concept of anyone disagreeing with them.
- Orthodox Christians believe that Jeebus was God Incarnate, and said, "No one comes to the Father but by Me." They believe that implies that only one religion is True™. They are utterly unable to explain why they believe that similar quotes from the Qur'an, or other scriptures are not equally authoritative. (See the discussion on reason, above). They believe that those ignorant of the True™ religion, God will allow them to enter the upper atmosphere from "baptism of desire." If they reject it, an infinitely just and loving God (i.e., the one professed by Orthodox Christianity) will torture them forever for rejecting Truths™ that run contrary to all known physical laws.
- NeoCon Christians adore Jesus only because there was a chance that he would torture someone for all eternity!!!
- Orthodox Christians believe that only one version of these can be right, and obviously believe that the Bible supports the Orthodox Christian doctrine. NeoCon Christians therefore found that it was necessary to create a new Bible, more suited to our modern sensibilities regarding love and justice, and our desire to have a Great Permissive Dude in the Sky Who Lets Us Do Whatever We Want. Whether it be petty theft or killing hundreds of thousands of people so you can make a few more million a year.
- NeoCon Christians caused your baby SIDS.
- Orthodox Christians believe that making fun of NeoCon Christians is totally in line with what Jesus would have done. According to Orthodox Christians, in a lost chapter of the Book of Mark, Jesus once came across a group of Greeks who were trying to start a new Roman olighacracy and said, "You guys really suck." Everyone knows that Jesus votes Democrat because he allowed George W. Bush to serve out two terms as US President despite Bush being very unpopular with the liberal Public so he could humiliate the Repbubic party and have a new Democratic congress elected.
- Orthodox Christians believe, based on the book of Revelation, that Jesus comes back to Earth, and takes over the world by having a foreign policy of overthrowing governments he disagrees with and calls evil, and setting his own people up in positions of power that mimics George W. Bush's foreign policy. While Orthodox Christians believe that only Christ has the moral authority to do this, NeoCon Christians believe that Bush will do this.
- Orthodox Christians believe that Jesus will come back and rid the world of evil.
NeoCon Christians believe that it is George Dubya Bush's job to rid the world of evil. If not, then some other hand-picked neocon politician who got his/her political butt kicked by an unpopular liberal(See the 109th Congress) will come back and rid the world of evil.
Modern version of the Holy Bible: Neocon Edition[edit | edit source]
Recent changes were made to the book, to make it easier on the eyes and easier to understand. The average modern Neocon has the IQ of Buffalo Semen, so the whole book had to be rewritten into a more modern, simpler, and revised format. It sums everything up to under 100 pages, and most of them are pictures of impish little protesters. It includes hints and tips as well as examples. It helps to explain how to be a modern neocon, and how to take advantage of technology and the media. It outlines the marketing plan that neocons need to follow when communicating with the unwashed masses of the public. It guides neocons in their quest for power, by learning how to grab attention by any means possible. It has forwards by Ann Coulter, Glen Beck, Fred Phelps, George Dubya Bush, and many other famous neocons. It is written to help you, and others, learn to get in touch with their inner neocon in a more violent, tasteless and annoying (modern) format.
Use it against those heathens, and infidels out there who speak out against our holy book and way of life. Learn to unleash that neocon power that is inside of you, and shine your light into the world to expose the darkness. After all, it is only our opinions and views that matter, as we are the chosen people of the planet and we deserve to be in power. This new modern version of the book also comes in audio tapes and CDs, for those of us who cannot read, which version does especially well in regions of the country freqented by the alien abduction phenemenon. It has been a favorite of many prisons and hotels, replacing the Gideon's Bible and other books in the best seller list. Read it every day and learn the truth, preach and convert others over to our side. Live up to your potential by reading this book.
 This article is an embarrassing attempt at Liberal humor.
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See also[edit | edit source]
- Conservatives
- Reasons to become an atheist
- Unitarian Universalism
- God-Fearing Republicans
- HowTo:Be a conservative
- Fox News
- I can't believe it's not Liberalism!
