Hillary Clinton

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Hillary Clinton
Queen of America
HillaryHope.gif
After seeing the success of Obama's "Hope" campaign, Hillary tried her own spin on it. Safe to see, she is looking for a new PR assistant.
Reign 2016-2024
Predecessor Barack Obama
Successor Michelle Obama
Consort N/A

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman!”

~ Bill Clinton on Hillary

Hillary I (Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton; born October 26, 1947) is an American politician and the soon to be second member of the Clinton dynasty in the United States, a family or "clan" that routinely engage in heavy battle with the other main royal family in America The Bushes. Although due for election in 2008, this was obscured by the challenger Barack Obama and his family. She differs from other Americans in that her haters include Nigel Farage, who is known for having a strong positive view of Americans.

Although not officially president yet, it is expected she will secure the Democratic nomination and the final election though the magic of "tokenism", a process which did wonders for the first African American President, also because Americans are known to enjoy sticking with a name they know already and trust, a love of staying with whats familiar.

Early life

Young Hillary Clinton. The fashion sense and Black & White photography indicating she is now suffering a case of terminal old.

Hillary was born in Chicago, Illinois, on October 26, 1947, the daughter of a small businessman and an even smaller homemaker, neither of whom is the clear source of those large thighs. Hillary was raised a Methodist, participated in student government, and by all accounts had a reasonably normal youth. That is of course apart from all the boys she will have allegedly sucked off in summer camps during the early 1960s that will come to light in late 2016/early 2017, following a lengthy Fox News investigation.

Like all children of successful businessmen, she was then allowed to enroll into law school attending both Wellesley College and Yale law school. Institutions that like much of the US, don't rely on commodities like brain power but real, non-metaphysical commodities such as currency.

Arkansas years (1975-1992)

Whatever secret agreement Hillary may have had with Bill Clinton to share power back-and-forth forever, something about being a big fish in a small pond rather than a small fish in a big pond induced the couple to move to the intellectual eaves-trough of Arkansas. The two married in 1975 in an obscure village called Snake's Hips. Bill began climbing the corporate ladder while Hillary baked cupcakes and filed activist lawsuits.

Soon after Arkansas elected Bill, so they moved to the capital Bugtustle. Hillary joined the Rose Law Firm, which she would go on to put "on the map," setting the Guinness World record for "most scandals involved in". She tried a few cases, but in 1978 (shortly after Bill became Governor), Hillary was promoted to partner of the firm. She out-earned Bill, which made up the mind of any Southerner he would be unfit for the Presidential role, that is if they had already not been convinced by his inability to get his wife to take his surname.

Hillary parlayed a $1,000 investment in cattle futures into $100,000 in ten months. She said her secret was to read the Wall Street Journal and to be the smartest woman in America, but a secret of equal value was to rely on brokers who held off on declaring whether each position was a purchase or a sale until it was time to unwind it.

First "Lady" (1993-2001)

Hillary's service as First "Lady" gave many White House staffers a glimpse into her character (despite the standing order that no one was to glimpse at her). Most had never seen more accurate throwing of ash trays during marital spats, so much so that it made the shortlist of sports to feature in the Sydney Olympics.

Wake of 1993 Victory

Even the success of Bill in the January 1993 election, Hillary became the "First Lady" and the first "First Lady" to complete a university education. This made life for Bill extremely stressful because whilst the wives of his predecessors had all been under educated and were happy to do the "wifely duties" around the white house, Hillary was most certainly not thrilled with the prospect of being the lady of the house.

She played a crucial role in the appointment of several positions within the Clinton administration, a role that extended beyond the usual making of lemonade and sandwiches for the busy men.

But it didn't stop there, oh no, she wanted to leave her mark coming up with other reforms and policies such as the Clinton health care plan of 1993 which played as the inspiration of Obamacare. Like Obamacare, nobody was a real big fan of it and the plan was abandoned. The hint was rumored to have reached her when she was asked to wear a bulletproof vest to a rally that was in support of the plan.

Lewinsky scandal

When it was revealed that Bill got his dick sucked off by one of the white house interns, Hillary was at a crossroads. On one hand her husband had cheated, on the other hand if they separated she would no longer be the First Lady. Upon reaching the conclusion that being drunk on power outweighed divorcing the unfaithful man, she announced her belief that it was all a conspiracy constructed by the Republicans and Fox News. When it was revealed to Bill that his wife remained by his side it is rumored he high-fived everyone in Congress.

As punishment for his heinous crime, every blowjob he received from now on involves nails, teeth and him not being allowed to ejaculate. His testicles are rumored to now be the color and size they would be, if subjected to a six foot six black man high on cocaine welding a baseball bat.

In the Senate, waiting (2001-2009)

A popular 2008 campaign poster of Comrade Clinton emphasized her Five-Year-Plan for the national economy.

After the campaign ended and all the records about being the first woman to do this-or-that rattled to a stop and were quiet, like so many quarters that failed to reach the shot glass, Hillary prepared for a productive life as a Senator despite authoring even fewer bills than she had written lawsuits back at Rose. However, there were always problems:

  • Her election to the Senate had not kept George W. Bush out of the White House. Despite leaving most of his neurons in Texas, he was a master of the photo-op and staged event, and continued to draw more publicity than the Junior Senator from New York.
  • Less than two years later, there was the small matter of the September 11 attacks. Suddenly, the nation wanted a military response and there was no time for weightier matters like trying again to gum up health care. All Hillary could do was vote for the Iraq War and the Patriot Act, and bide her time until her party could start blaming Bush once the body bags started piling up.

In her second Senate term, she was against the Iraq "surge" and called Gen. Petraeus a liar, long before that became trendy. Despite this, Petraeus got the troops needed to end the war in Iraq. The conflict was then downgraded from a crisis rating of "1916 France" to "1967 Detroit".

2008 Presidential campaign (2008)

After the numerous failings of Bush up until 2008 Americans had, had enough of the extremely erratic, conservative president and the Republicans were doomed to lose. Hillary was quick to take advantage of this new progressive feeling sweeping over America, and it only took a couple of wars and building demolitions to create this feeling. Could it be, the first female president in American history? The ultimate tokenistic progressive gesture?

When John Kerry succeeded Hillary, she got the consolation prize of knowing that no one would remember her as an ineffective Secretary of State.

...Well unfortunately it did not all go exactly according to plan, as a full blooded African American man was also ready to take advantage of this feeling and become the first Black President. The Democrats gave choices of a black man and a white woman, ensuring the republicans got every single vote less than 40 degrees above the equator. However since, most people in that region are illiterate or just don't give a shit, the Democrats won in 2008. However, it was not Hillary that lead them to victory.

Cheated on by her own husband and not her own political party, what else could possibly go wrong?

Secretary of State (2009-2013)

It got worse than that, when the Dark Lord stepped forward and offered to remove the knives himself. On the time-honored theory of "keeping your friends close and your enemies closer," Hillary joined the Obama cabinet. The two shared a hate of anything any American does without their help, and a love of collecting dirt on their adversaries, while scrubbing their own dirt until there are scratch-marks on the hard disk. The job also kept Hillary in Washington in case something better freed up.

The quandary that the two would now be collecting dirt on each other, Hillary neatly solved by setting up an e-mail server in the barn on the Back Forty of her Chappaqua home, from which she ran the entire State Department. An added benefit was that Congress could never see her official emails, though Wikileaks could. And no one, not even Obama, thought it strange that State Department emails did not come from state.gov but ElephantThighs.net.

Worse still, Obama's first term was ending, the Republicans had nominated someone you could almost like (if you had a trust fund), and he had just whupped Obama in a debate, though he would soon realize that such antics were beneath him. The election was on a knife-edge and Obama did not want to hear about "that Benghazi shit" as he had a big fundraising trip to Las Vegas the next day, where the golf is good and probably the cocaine.

Aides left at the White House tried to figure a way to save the Administration from itself, between bouts of surfing the web for porn. Someone (records of the entire day are curiously missing) had the brainstorm that, if young Libyans found the same YouTube channel (for which the State Department had apologized, the day before the attack), they would get angry enough at the United States to do unspeakable things, such as the unspeakable things they had just done. Hillary, along with Ambassador Susan Rice and the Big Guy himself, ran a week-long road show apologizing to the U.N. and the Islamic world for free speech in America, and just like that, Obama had another four years to try to undo America's harms.

In 2013, Hillary sized up the situation and resigned from the Department of State, leaving Obama to nominate John Kerry. Why the long face?

Accomplishments

One of Hillary's first initiatives to steer American foreign policy away from defending America's interests was to present a "Reset" button like this to Sergey Lavrov to show the U.S. would bear no grudges over Russia invading its neighbors. Imagine her surprise when she found out the correct translation was, "You stink!"

Hillary, again untethered from the public payroll, retreated to Chappaqua. The solitude was off-putting, as her ostensible husband was out giving speeches and chasing skirts. But before crocheting a single pot-holder, she took a quiet moment to assess her accomplishments as Secretary of State:

  • She had amassed more frequent-flier miles than Henry Kissinger.
  • She had given the Rooskis a fine gift (pictured), assuming the lettering meant what it was supposed to mean. (This refers to the "Reset button" and not the gifts of Georgia and the Crimea.)
  • She had carried out Obama's orders to retreat from Iraq, which would be an accomplishment, assuming that the Iraqis strapped on their hard-hats and got back to work in the oil field. Unfortunately, though their hard-hats were strapped on, they were in the other room, along with their heads, when the ISIS forces took over town after town.
  • Arabia was in flames, its leaders were annoyed at America for nagging them about women's rights, the Caliphate was advancing, Russia was eating Ukraine and the Baltics and was asking what was the Main Course, North Korea was taking America's money but launching missiles anyway, and China was flexing its muscles. It was a world in line with Obama's first inaugural speech, where he said, "America is an exceptional nation. Of course, Peru thinks it is too, probably."
  • Most importantly, however, she had weaved the web of deceit that got her boss re-elected, and the only assumption that took is that the American voter is a dope.

Sizing up Hillary's career, she was not the first female Secretary of State (following Albright and Condo), nor probably the first female First Lady. However, she does hold the record for most public offices achieved by virtue of being the wife of someone famous. NOW was ready to award her its prestigious Sleeping Herself to the Top award, but Hillary tactfully declined it.

Hillary is also without peer as the most publically unwanted wife in America — Monica Lewinsky being merely the most notoriously discarded mistress. And they both signed book deals.

The introspection took five whole minutes, after which Hillary began scheming to capture the Oval Office and get rid of Obama's shag carpets, hookahs, and portraits of Malcolm X, with a minimum of additional scandals and corpses along the way.

2016 Presidential campaign (1975-2016)

Opponents unfairly denounce Hillary as "shrill."

No sooner did Hillary announce her candidacy, however, than the hardcover book Clinton Cash came out. It documented the uncanny way in which honoraria for speeches, book deals, and spontaneous contributions to the Clinton Family Foundation coincided with decisions at the Department of State to green-light projects such as Russia's acquisition of 20% of America's uranium. It described GE's millions to the Foundation, promptly followed by government contracts with GE. And — misunderstanding the imprecise world of foreign diplomacy — it called it unseemly that Hillary would take money from radical Islam while continuing to posture as a champion of women's rights.

Hillary's denials of the claims were categorical:

  • A White House spokesman said the author had been discredited by a typo that is in plain view on Page 243.
  • Hillary, holding campaign events in New Hampshire, had her handlers clear out coffee shops — including the kitchens — before she arrived, so that there was no one in the joint except her own handlers (They deserve coffee too!) and members of the Federal Employees Union.
  • Hillary's Press Corps clarified that there was no cash-for-favors, as even the Saudi Arabians paid with wire transfers.
  • Re-filing five years of financial reports once you are caught in a lie is simply part-and-parcel of an unprecedented spirit of openness and transparency.

After decades of downplaying Clinton scandals, the media suddenly pursued these themes. Anchormen read the book's appendices, which covered the long span of Hillary's career, and showed that she secretly bankrolled Hitler with the Illuminati to start World War II, this after having Archduke Ferdinand shot to set off World War I. CNN reported that Hillary fired on Fort Sumter to start the US Civil War. She was also the original Star Wars screenwriter, inventing Jabba the Hutt, who had the slender thigh-to-ankle region that Hillary always wanted.

Enigmas and conundrums

“Ah don' feel no ways tahr'd!”

~ Hillary doing her best Stepin Fetchit imitation for a fawning black audience in Selma

Wikipedia notes Hillary's constant anguish that marrying Bill Clinton and especially using his last name would be an obstacle to letting "me be me," and especially that she might be known not for her own "accomplishments" (There's that word again) but through other people. The only elephant in this ointment is that, even after getting Bill out of the picture entirely, she does not know who she is.

  • A right-wing, pro-defense Democrat in the mold of Henry Jackson? Or a mainstream Democrat in the mold of Karl Marx?
  • A champion of capitalism, in the form of sham book deals, speaking fees, and envelopes of cash from swarthy, towel-headed foreigners? Or capitalism's biggest nightmare, who is sure that corporations do nothing to create jobs?
  • Someone who wants your votes as a woman? Or someone who wants your votes to prove that it doesn't matter that she is a woman? Or despite being a woman?
  • A gal who's her own gal, or Bill's gal (the one with the huge ankles, not the one with the awesome suction)? A Rodham, a Rodham Clinton, or a Clinton? Or nothing?
  • What's with the Southern accent?

The answer to these questions will be in next year's Uncyclopedia Annual Update, after the polling data have come in.

The punch line

The reader has now been treated to an authoritative resumé of three decades of self-dealing, treachery, backstabbing, and corruption, with the occasional corpse, anecdotes all of which are more than one week old — yes, Old News — which means the nation should Move On. The candidate has cancelled her scheduled appearances for the rest of this week, at the end of which the current scandal will also be Old News. (She will, however, hold "electronic town halls" and take written questions by Internet users the campaign has pre-cleared.)

Besides, all of this must have been written by a political opponent who has an axe to grind, who did not make up his own mind but is merely in lockstep behind Limbaugh or someone, and is surely being paid off by the Koch Brothers.

Because, you see, it is "time" to elect a woman. (The "time" to elect an "African American" was 2008 and 2012.)

See also

Candidates in the 2008 U. S. Presidential Election
Republican Candidates

John McCain the Elder | Rudy Giuliani | Mike Huckabee | Ron Paul | Ronald Reagan's Ghost | Mitt Romney | Tom Tancredo | Fred Thompson | Tommy Thompson

Democratic Candidates

Barack Obama / Baraq Hussein Osama | Hillary Clinton | John Edwards | Mike Gravel | Stephen T. Colbert, DFA

Independent Candidates

Ralph Nader