UnNews:Reagan rises from the dead and announces his 2008 candidacy
7 February 2008
SIMI VALLEY, California - The Republican primary race for President of the United States was rocked today by the announcement that a relatively unknown ultra-conservative cutting-edge scientist exhumed the body of former president Ronald Reagan and brought him back to life. The newly undead Reagan immediately announced his candidacy for the office he formerly held, and is now leading in polls by a hefty margin. Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee and John McCain all formally dropped from the race and instructed their earned delegates and supporters to vote for Reagan as soon as the news broke. They collectively issued this statement:
"This entire primary race was based on us trying to convince voters that we were the most like Reagan. Huckabee was like Reagan religiously, Romney was like him economically, and McCain was a hawk like him on defense. With Reagan entering the race, there doesn't seem to be any point any more. We were unprepared for this shocking turn of events, but view this as a windfall. Now we have someone who can win in November. We all endorse Zombie Reagan 100%."
The only remaining challenge to Zombie Reagan in the primary stage is Ron Paul who experts all agree stands "fuck all" chance of winning, but that has never dissuaded him from doing anything before, and he assured his (37 remaining) supporters that he intends to continue to campaign until the bitter end.
New issues have been brought to the table and old ones resurfaced since Reagan's revival. Whereas the Old Reagan was more concerned with the USSR and the money supply, Zombie Reagan babbles on about the Brain Supply and the newly formed National Organization Against Zombified Persons (NOAZP) which he claims discriminates against him.
Polls are still being conducted on his viability as a candidate in November, and the legality of the issue is still being sorted out in the Supreme Court case NOAZP v. Zombie Reagan, but rest assured, UnNews will keep you updated every step of the way.
- Keith Moon "Proof that God loves America." National Review, February 6, 2008