From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search

“If you're not a liberal when you're 25, you have no heart. If you're not a conservative by the time you're 35, you have no brain.”

Winston Churchill on conservatism
Andrew Schlafly, the founder of Conservapedia, is a leading conservative on the internet.

Conservatives are individuals who rise above their personal self-interest and promote moral and economic values beneficial to all. A conservative is willing to learn and advocate the insights of economics and the logic of the Bible for the benefit of all. Almost always American Christian patriots, they hold traditional family values and the good ol' days of the 1950s above anything else.

Conservative values include: everything in this book, personal responsibility, moral values, limited government, pro-life, heavy support for the second amendment, red-blooded Christian fundamentalism, and biting criticism towards whiny, politically-correct, easily-triggered liberals. You can quite easily identify a conservative, as they are almost always intelligent, wealthy, and physically attractive.

Phil Crane, former leading conservative congressman in the House from 1969 to 2005, urged people to make the world a better place than where they found it, and quoted frequently from the Bible in pursuit of that goal. Our Lord and Savior former President Ronald Reagan said: "The basis of conservatism is a desire for less government interference or less centralized authority or more individual freedom." Truer words have never been spoken.

Conservatism in America[edit]

One of our best presidents, bar none.

Conservative Americans are pretty cool guys, according to Conservative Americans. They stand for all the basic freedoms that make America great and aim to deter the evil forces of Liberalism, Communism, homosexuality, dangerous pants-sagging minorities, and Islam.

Conservative hate Liberals for trying to move the country in a coddled, spineless direction. If you hear a conservative say something is "too liberal", it is usually because of a news report where a liberal teenage girl whines about how shitlords and CIS scum are triggering her. If Conservatives had it their way, life in America would be exactly as it was in the '50s, with women not being sluts, black people not committing crimes and shitting up neighborhoods, and every law being managed by a state with just the right amount of control over its citizens.

Conservatives hate communism because it doesn't fucking work, yet libtards constantly try to force it down our throats. Conservatives are quick to accuse others of being communists, especially if they own something red. Extreme anti-communists will even go so far as to paint the red stripes on the American flag blue.

Conservatives believe that while the Bible considers homosexuality unusual, it's fine for the most part. What you do in bed isn't anyone's business, as long as you don't shove it down our throats. Unfortunately, due to the rise of social media cancer, we've been seeing garbage like gay marriage VMAs, #LoveWins, and I Am Jazz being vomited all over the place. If that weren't enough, gay special snowflake teens on Tumblr constantly whine about how "triggered" and "oppressed" they are, to the point where you wish they were sent to jail and raped by a sweaty black man.

Conservatives hate Muslims because they attacked America on numerous occasions, despite claiming Islam is a "religion of peace". Since a large proportion of these terrorists were Islamic, they have jumped to the flawless conclusion that every Muslim is a terrorist. Some Conservatives suggest that perhaps they should make Islam illegal in America or deport all Muslims from America, back to their Middle Eastern shithole.

Stance on the second amendment[edit]

Conservatives love guns. Second only to their love of America, their love of guns is paramount to their existence. After several school massacres, evil liberals wished to take their guns away because it's dangerous to give any lunatic the right to bear arms. Conservatives were outraged at such an idea wishing to keep their guns as it been part of their law for many, many years. Self-defense is also a key issue on this one, as now, in the highly unlikely event of a home invasion they won't be able to mistake their loved ones for an invader. School children needlessly dying are a very small price to pay in order to keep America running as it always has been, as far as Conservatives are concerned.

Stance on the eighteenth amendment[edit]

Alcohol promotes drunken and disorderly behavior, so in the '20s, America tried its hand at banning alcohol through the eighteenth amendment & The Volstead act. Far from ridding society from alcohol, all it served to do was increase the consumption of alcohol and organized crime in major American cities. Not good, safe alcohol but homemade moonshine laced with good ol' methanol which caused blindness, insanity and death.

Many conservatives do not understand that by banning a substance you increase public awareness of it and in turn consumption of it. Despite this, many conservatives want alcohol banned from society as it is completely immoral and that God would never allow such a chemical to be consumed, despite his own son doing it with water to wine.


Conservatism can be found not just in America, but the whole world.


The liberal party is the conservative party within Australia. The government will typically follow a 24 year cycle. The cycle begins with the liberals gaining government in result of an absolute landslide; with the labor party getting their anuses deeply penetrated in the election. They immediately start to pay off debt, save money and scrap every law labor has passed. This will continue for 12 years until they try and pull off laws so blatantly unconstitutional that the public have no choice but to give their butts a caning and bring back the labor party.

Much like the unemployed problem gambler, the labor party takes all the hard earnt conservatives cash and spends it all. 12 years later, they are so in debt they have to get kicked out. Like all conservatives, the liberals enjoy ranting about the left wing labor party and stopping immigration the boats.


Ever since this Marxist clown took over, American media has been getting more and more hypersensitive. Coincidence?

Progressivism and Liberalism are fine when it comes to any conservative, unless they go too far—which they have been doing for the past six years. A fairer and more balanced society sends communist alarm bells ringing in the mind of a conservative and they will immediately try and return to the classic 99% poor, 1% mega-rich model. The conservatives stand on the economy is as follows:

“The free market system, competitive capitalism, and private enterprise create the greatest opportunity and the highest standard of living for all. Free markets produce more economic growth, more jobs and higher standards of living than those systems burdened by excessive government regulation.


Many conservatives consider Barack Obama the worst president ever for racking up our debt and sharing wealth with freeloaders.

Moving forward?[edit]

The conservative brain is always thinking outside the box. Just because an idea hasn't been used in 2000 years, doesn't mean it's completely useless. It is almost certain that should Homosexuality and Atheism been an accepted thing two hundred years ago, Conservatives would be doing the exact opposite of what they do now.

It is also quite arguable that Conservatives raise arguments just to disagree with liberals, for example Climate Change denial and their persistent belief that the earth is six thousand years old, despite the endless evidence suggesting otherwise.

Blatant homophobia[edit]

Sadly, spell check wasn't around when the bible was written.

Whether it's because they all had that Uncle Bobby that touched them all through their boyhood years, or they really don't like people that are different, Conservatives hate homosexuals. The bible, a tool used to teach tolerance of all people teaches Conservatives to openly hate men that lie with other men on the grounds of homosexuality makes god angry. This furthers the hypocrisy in God being tolerant of everyone that he allegedly made.

God has willed to give the union of man and woman a special participation in his work of creation. Thus, he blessed the man and the woman with the words 'Be fruitful and multiply' (Gen 1:28). Therefore, in the Creator's plan, sexual complementarity and fruitfulness belong to the very nature of marriage.

Benedict XVI

Conservatives are sometimes, themselves heavily closeted homosexuals that instead of embracing their true nature decide that if they hang around with other homophobes and participate in homophobic style bashings and protests that they will have the gay squeezed out of them. J. Edgar Hoover was such a closeted fag described above.

Further reading: Everything here


Conservatives often miss the upside to abortion.

Conservatives are in favor of just about every form of life except for: Gays, Blacks, Jews, Muslims, Atheists and just about everyone that isn't a White Anglo-Saxon Protestant Male. Therefore they are against birth control and abortion. However they are openly in favor of bearing of arms and Capital Punishment.


Conservatives are against safe sex and thus for unwanted pregnancy and the transmission of STIs. The grounds of this baffling policy being that sex should only be exchanged between a married couple for the purposes of making a family. Teenagers and unmarried couples, so far as conservatives are concerned won't have sex. They as such push to ban condoms and the pill as wasting potential life makes god angry, despite during normal sex the millions of wasted sperm cells that are potential life also should also make God angry in theory.

AIDS and STI's so far as Conservatives think only come from homosexuals and thus they are immune to being infected so don't need to use condoms.


Whoops, you're 15 years old, still living with your parents, been brutally raped and finding yourself pregnant. Conservatives think you should have to have that child and raise it lovingly, whilst any reasonable human being would see the perfectly valid argument in having an abortion and catching the bastard that did it. God is going to be mighty upset about you getting rid of that potential life that you didn't want so conservatives do the lords work on earth and push for it to illegal. Such excuses as the child not surviving, you not surviving or you just being too damn young for a child do not qualify to conservatives as they can never ever be wrong.

Some conservatives also think getting an abortion gives you cancer.


A convenient solution to the fossil record myth.

Conservatives take the ye olde fables in the bible as proven fact. Rather than analyze experimental data and proven fact to make up their mind, they will blindly follow a book written two thousand years ago. The theory of evolution, the fossil record and the big bang, despite many experiments being carried out to prove them, at least from the conservative stance not enough conclusive proof has been gathered. Conservatives also use bible stories to debunk proven fact:

Creation science asserts that the biblical account, that dinosaurs were created on day 6 of creation approximately 6,000 years ago, along with other land animals, and therefore co-existed with humans, thus debunking the Theory of Evolution and the beliefs of evolutionary scientists about the age and creation of the earth.”

Conservapedia on Dinosaurs

Similarly, conservatives are "young earthers" believing the earth to be six thousand years old. Fossil and human records are not enough to debunk this idea to many conservatives as there is "not enough data to support it" (an old favorite catch phrase, in all matters scientific) irrespective of what is going on beyond the earth.

It is also strongly encouraged by conservatives to teach creationism and religion in school, instead of evolution to create an unbias world where people can think for themselves. The biggest counter argument to evolution is that it cannot explain the complexity of species. You will most certainly receive this response if you tell a conservative that that the fossil record does not support creationism and therefore evolution is correct. Other useful tips on pissing off conservatives to no end in regards to religion include:

  • If carbon dating suggests the life on earth earth is millions of years old, how can they support creationism if carbon dating has been proven to be scientifically accurate?
  • If god was perfect, and hatred is a sin, why does god hate fags? Also doesn't the bible teach forgiveness?
  • Who did the sons of Adam and Eve have sex with to make six billion people on earth today?
  • Are you capable of rebutting my arguments with a reasonable argument and not just a really bad attempt to find an unrelated flaw in mine?

Intolerance of minorities[edit]

Whilst the intolerance of gay people is blindingly obvious, other religions, ethic minorities and immigrants hold no place in the conservative utopia. You can tell because just about republican president ever elected seeks to restrict immigration and deport all evil migrants back home. "White America is best America" said Bush.

Other religions are not allowed simply because the bible is the divine word of god, thus disproving every other religion in existence. This technique could possibly be made valid if every other religion doesn't present similar arguments.


Conservatives are at heart massive patriots. But wait a minute, there is nothing wrong with loving one's country you might say. Maybe they do the things they do because they believe it is the right thing to do by their country. In actuality the majority of the time they will do something and then claim to have done it out of sheer patriotism, although it maybe have had nothing to do with the advancement of their country, rather their own personal agenda. They say, therefore it is.

Using this logic, conservatives will try and execute just about any law or rule they want as they can then claim it was done to be patriotic. Don't like gay people? Let's make it illegal for them to get married, because that's a patriotic thing to do. Like the word of god? Let's spread his word as morally sound, because that's a patriotic thing to do. Don't want your country to move forward? Let's convince the population that those that think otherwise are crackpots, because that's a patriotic thing to do. And the list goes on.

Meanwhile, things that suggest you hate your country such as letting dirty Mexicans into our country and steal our jobs are condemned as being far too liberal, and are completely banned within conservative circles.

See also[edit]