Donald Trump

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Donnie Trump touts himself as a self-made man, which is more than one can say about his coiffure.

Donald John "The Donald™" Drumpf™, Sr. (born June 14, 1946) is a self-made all-American businessman, television personality, political pundit, intermittent Republican Party candidate, and the 45th President of the United States. No shit, look it up, he won and has now been sworn in. Some time traveler must have fucked up real bad.

In 2011, Trump predicted that the United States would face a new revolution if it re-elected Barack Kenyatta Obama. "Bankers and casino owners will rise up," he claimed, and "overwhelm the masses." Trump subsequently ran for U.S. presidency, campaigning on the platform of blaming Mexicans and Muslims for America's decline and urging his supporters to help restore America to greatness. And somehow, he actually managed to win it.

In his spare time, when he's not grabbing America by the pussy, Trump writes storybooks for the children of capitalists. His most notable work is Seal the Deal, about a marine mammal that invests in expensive marinas and opens undersea golf courses in Scotland.

Biography

The Donald's parents were The Fred and The Ethel.

Trump claims he was born in New York in 1946, and has copies of his birth certificates available for scrutiny on his Samsung Galaxy. There is a possibility he was also dropped on his head; this could explain the stringy, nearly natural-looking textile that now grows out of the top of it.

Trump is the son of wealthy real-estate magnate Fred Trump and his wife Ethel Trump (née Mertz). He joined the family property-management business, Fred and Ethel and a Few Skyscrapers, Inc., which became notorious because of celebrity tenant Lucille Ball; and in 1971 renamed it Donald Trump, Inc.

In 2016, it was discovered that the Trumpster™ was so overweight that he was almost obese. He was advised to lay off the MackyD's a little.

Investments

Trump routinely settles public disputes by purchasing all the related real estate:

  • When Muslims sought to build a mosque close to the site of the 9/11 attacks, Trump offered to buy the site for $5 million, a move that several imams condemned as "a publicity stunt," as though building a mosque there weren't.
  • Trump is an avid golfer who claims to have a very low handicap. He has bought a golf course in Mamaroneck, N.Y. and has adopted its golf pro. However, President Obama has offered millions of dollars if Trump will disclose his scorecards for the last five years.
  • Trump is on his third wife, a practice at odds with Catholic doctrine. However, Trump has submitted a purchase-and-sale offer for the New York diocese.

Television productions

The Apprentice

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Trump was the star and executive producer (and, coincidentally, majority owner) of a reality show on NBC called The Apprentice, whose episodes feature a dozen businesspeople competing to be hired for a one-year contract to manage either one of Trump's un-reality real-estate companies or his fantasy football team in the defunct U.S. Football League. Each show ends with Trump uttering his signature phrase, "You're fired," to one of the competitors, who of course had not yet been hired.

Camera crews follow the competitors as they wait in line to get building permits, insult the slum-dwellers who will be displaced by the proposed luxury condominiums, and bark orders to construction crews. In the final segments of the episode, viewers see into the board room and get an imitation glimpse of the skullduggery with which real corporations make their most important personnel decisions. Losers have to sleep in tents pitched out behind Trump's Servants' Residence. During the seventh season only, losers had to clean Trump's toilet with a toothbrush, which they often had to go on to employ in its more typical use.

Spin-offs

It is a tenet of American business to slap the name of any good product onto several other products of lower quality. Thus, in 2005, Trump created the spin-off series The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. He hired self-made billionaire and self-made jailbird Stewart to interview "candidates" who would assist her in everything from laundering intimate apparel to laundering money. Trump and Stewart had a falling-out during the year, based on Nielsen ratings and on Stewart's notorious arrest and trial, in which clips from the spin-off were key pieces of evidence, and the show was not renewed. Stewart, however, has undergone the most spectacular rehabilitation of any person outside Communist China and has returned to chair Omnimedia, a wiki that directly competes with Uncyclopedia, Inc.

In 2007, the series was renewed for a seventh season, but retitled The Celebrity Apprentice. Instead of competent individuals vying for a job in a nonexistent organization, stage actors competed to win money for charity. This was the key to the rise in influence in America of Piers Morgan, who won the initial series by tapping his competitors' cell phones. Morgan distinguished himself as the most competent in a competition where no competence was necessary, and was thus a lock to go on to anchor the CBS Evening News.

In 2010, a spin-off entitled Donald J. Trump Presents The Ultimate Merger gave "candidates" the chance to become Trump's newest trophy wife. Following in the path of industry giants Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck, who have jumped at the chance for broadcasting outlets with potentially higher audiences than the gigantic U.S. television networks, Trump aired the new spin-off on a nascent webcast outlet called The Spunk Channel. Thankfully, the individual "competitions" are shown outside the "family viewing hour."

Political career

Donnie J. Drumpf™ has run for President twice, both times as a Republican. This is because they're the dumbest group of voters in the country, and believe everything on Fox News, so he could make all sorts of insane pledges, including some impossible ones, and they'd still vote for him. This ultimately got him the presidency in 2016.

2012 presidential campaign

Prelude

Although ever-anxious for greater public exposure than he could achieve through the backwater of network television, Trump had never evidenced interest in government, outside a few retail campaign contributions in cash; nor had he mounted a serious campaign for political office. However, he had mounted several things that resembled campaigns, due to virtuoso use of crass stunts and personal attacks. The key discriminant was that these "campaigns" follow not the U.S. election schedule but the Nielsen ratings schedule.

Trump was mentioned as a running mate for Vice President by Michele Bachmann. This occurred in the same day where Bachmann repeatedly said that the "midnight run [sic] of Paul Revere"[1] occurred hundreds of miles up-river in New Hampshire, just prior to her mysterious disappearance from public life.

Primaries

At a debate in Nashua in 2011, Trump had little to say on public policy, but uttered the memorable line, "Excuse me, but I paid for this microphone."

“You're fired!”

~ Republican primary voters on Donald Trump

Trump made it on stage with the so-called "Seven Dwarfs" who were contesting the Presidency in 2012 at the notorious quadrennial "Politics and Eggs" breakfast symposium, though neither were thrown. While the other seven presented some sort of platform for the management of the U.S. government, Trump's entire thesis was that Obama was not a "natural-born citizen."[2] Finally, Obama released a Photoshop file from 1959 that disproved this charge. Trump declared that this act effectively made himself the winner and wound up his campaign.

Give us more, please

On the eve of the 2012 U.S. presidential election, Trump decided more documentation was needed, and offered to pay Mr. Obama $5,000,000 for the latter's college transcripts (or donate it to Mr. Obama's favorite charity, though the Black Panthers were unusually busy that month).

Trump recently upped the ante to $10,000,000 for a more thorough disclosure. Said Trump, "Rent-versus-buy is a common dilemma of the businessman. In this case, we decided it would be more cost-effective to pay Obama to disclose the information and convert it into a scandal himself, than it would be if he merely disclosed it and my people had to turn it into a scandal."

2016 Presidential campaign

See also: Russian interference in the 2016 United States elections
Dolan rigged.png

In June 2015, Trump announced his intention to seek the Republican nomination for the presidency, which he hoped will beat any Democrat presidential contender in 2016. This eventually got him fired from The Apprentice by NBC. Trump started out poorly with a loss to Ted Cruz in the state of Iowa, scoring a disappointing second place just ahead of Marco Rubio's victorious third place. He did, however, win New Hampshire ahead of Happy, Sneezy, Bashful, Grumpy, Doc/Sleepy, Robotic and, umm, the others — you know, the Gilmore guy. This helped to kickstart Trump's campaign.

Donnie Trump has spent much of his campaign ragging on about illegal immigrants, especially from Mexico and China, which for some reason he thinks are countries full of rapists, drug dealers, criminals, killers and spies. Many people don't know why he rags on about illegal immigrants, because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 20 years.

After soundly winning the Republican primary, Trump faced his greatest challenge yet, a career politician with some real shady side shit, and get this, she doesn't even have a penis. You'd think the no Penis lobby would've gotten the job done but no, Trump won the election, becoming our nation's 45th President. He is the first orange goblin ever to win the Presidency.

Policies

On 9 November 2016, it was announced that Donnie Trump had somehow been elected President. After being sworn in in January 2017, President Drumpf™ either intends to implement, or already has implemented, the following policies:

  • Cut all ties with the European Union and impose a HUGE tariff on all EU imports and exports
  • Ban Sadiq Khan, Nicola Sturgeon and Jeremy Corbyn from entering - America's national security is affected negatively by opposition to the Trumpster
  • Sell the United States of America and all of its territories to himself
  • Purchase Palau, the Marshall Islands, the Federated States of Micronesia, and the Hawaiian Islands and revoke their independence from the United States
  • Create more jobs, by just doing it - it happens.[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
    • Many will be jobs that involve demolition, specifically that of many mosques
  • Make Mexico build a wall along the border by challenging them to the biggest game of Jenga™ ever, making them set up the pieces and then suddenly deciding he doesn't want to play any more
    • Invade Mexico if they dare take all the pieces back down again
  • Bomb Nuke the hell out of ISIS, just as Vladimir Putin intends to do
  • Ensure that all states reintroduce capital punishment
  • Replace lethal injection with beheading
  • Introduce a National Day of Prayer in favour of capital punishment
  • Pay $350 million directly into the bank account of every world leader who reintroduces capital punishment
    • And another $1 billion if they introduce mandatory death sentences
  • Pay $350 million each a week to Nigel Farage, Marine Le Pen, Geert Wilders and Vladimir Putin to reward them for calling for every country to leave the EU
  • Bribe the British Foreign Secretary (Currently Boris "Three P's" Johnson) with $60 billion in return for appointing Farage as the British Ambassador to the USA
  • Station troops throughout Sacramento so California doesn't dare declare independence from him
    • And the same goes for Austin - just because Texas is a Republican state doesn't mean they want Trump for President
  • Anyone who didn't vote for Trump or called for him to be banned from the UK to be rounded up, loaded onto a train and sent on vacation so that they can be taught how great he really is
  • Total withdrawal from NATO and the establishment of a Special Relationship with Putin's Eurasian Economic Union
  • Deploying the Marines to invade the UK if Corbyn becomes Prime Minister
  • Build a wall in space using the best rocks from the sites of all the mosques demolished during his presidency
    • He'll dip it in gold, of course. And maybe make Mexico pay for that too.
  • Make all Mexicans and Chinese people pay $4000 to enter the USA, apparently to keep rapists, drug dealers and spies from entering
  • Make it a legal requirement for all Mexicans who want to enter to make him a taco salad and give it specially to him (it's the only thing he likes about Mexico)

Ever since he was sworn in, Trump has not bothered even once to read the Constitution, because according to his logic, if he doesn't read the Constitution, he can't violate it. And of course, the only way in which it is possible for this to be disproven to him, it seems, is if Congress turns the tables on him.

Idiosyncracies

Trump is often referred to as "The Donald" or simply "The Don". This owes to Trump's ex-wife, the Ivana, and her woefully poor facility with the English.

Trump is said to be averse to handshakes, though he claims he shook "a couple of hands" while campaigning in New Hampshire in 2011, "and you know how grimy they get." As a germophobe, The Donald avoids manual contact (challenging in itself for his minuscule hands) and prefers to advance immediately to the genital area.

Precise documentation

  1. This is actually a bon mot of Sarah Palin.
  2. As though anyone cares: Whatevah! Can we, like, move on?

See also

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