Sean Hannity

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"I had a dream. But I forgot what it was about."

Sean "The Insanity" Hannity (born December 30, 1961) is an American right-wing political commentator. Like most American right-wing political commentators, he is known for being an obnoxious twit by the lieberuls opposed to him; while to his supporters, he speaks nothing but God's Honest Truth.

Hannity was discovered by fellow literal-super-heavyweight[1] motormouth Rush Limbaugh and did a few stints as his guest host before hitting the big time with Fox News. On Fox, Hannity went point-counterpoint against, and got to talk over, uninteresting comedian Alan Colmes. In 2009, Colmes was dropped from the Hannity and Colmes show and now Hannity has the floor to himself. Now it is titled simply Hannity, and he can speak his mind without having an annoying leftie commie to keep him in check.

Early life and education[edit]

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A devout Catholic, Sean spent most of his childhood as an altar boy at St. Paul's Cathedral in New York. It was while there at the age of 7, Sean lost his virginity to a nun. The torrid affair continued until Sean was 14 and became "too old" for the job; he gladly recalls those days as "the best days of my life." "Kids these days are always having babies at a young age," said Sean in 2001, "That kind of thing never happened in my day, especially not in my religious family. At least not the gay kind."

Hannity graduated in 1980 from St. Pius X Preparatory Seminary High School, located in Uniondale, New York. He attended New York University and Adelphi University, but later dropped out to pursue a broadcasting career. Although left-wing radio stations across America turned him down because he "didn't know what the hell he was talking about", he was able to shout at an unplugged microphone until it was broadcast across the world.

Career[edit]

Truly, a literary giant.

In 1996, Hannity was asked to join the fledging Fox News channel. He accepted the offer, and became co-host with liberal Alan Colmes of Hannity and Colmes, a prime time one-hour debate-driven talk show focusing on the controversial issues and newsmakers of the day. Hannity and Colmes ranked among the most "fair and balanced" cable TV news shows, just behind The Glenn Beck Program and The O'Reilly Factor.

In 2009, that leftist commie freak left Colmes left Hannity and Colmes, and it was retitled to simply Hannity. Currently, Hannity also has a weekend show on Fox News, Hannity's America.

Dialectical chops[edit]

“If you can't imitate him, don't copy him.”

~ Yogi Berra on Sean Hannity

Hannity's fame and fortune increased dramatically when he devised an unbeatable and universal retort, which is capable of stripping away the disguise of all sniveling, back-stabbing, terrorist-appeasing, Osama-sucking collaborators who dare step into the debating circle with him. Delivered at any point during a debate (or ideally, after the debate has ended), Hannity will loosen the belt, cock a leg, and let it fly: "Why Do You Hate America?TM" BAM! Big-L Liberals instantly catch fire, and Socrates himself is spontaneously resurrected just to shit his pants in awe. In fact, since Socrates is a liberal, his shit also turns into a smoldering ball of flame as well. The Centers for Disease Control has classified this so-called "Hannity Steamer" as a Class 4 Bio-Hazard, a designation previously only obtained by the putrid jockstrap where Rush Limbaugh hid his Oxycontin.

Hannity's signature catch phrases such as "You have to understand that these people can't be understood!", "I am the most humble man there is!", "Can I please get someone to violate my hilarious, tight rectum?" and "The most comprehensive coverage on your radio dial!" have entertained hundreds and baffled thousands more with their self-contradicting nature.

Things Sean Hannity masturbates to[edit]

  • Tax cuts for the rich
  • Laissez-faire capitalism
  • Ronald Reagan
  • Wall Street CEOs
  • CIA torture
  • Wars waged by Republican administrations
  • Any policy proposed by Republicans
  • Donald Trump
  • Mitt Romney
  • George W. Bush
  • Dick Cheney
  • Abolishing food stamps

Footnotes[edit]

  1. If he's going to keep calling Michelle Obama fat, he's fair game for this.