“I've never been called a "wanker" ... in such a violent tone.”
“The Amish are coming! EVERYBODY! Look busy!.”
“Funny ... you don't look Amish?”
“I never wear buttons but I have a cool hat and my homies agree I really look good in black!”
“Weird Al is overrated.”
The Amish are highly sentient, half-bred beings that reside in the United States. They are like the secretive Jedi of the USA. Due to their religious convictions, they like to "appear" to not have technology. They are descended from an extraterrestrial named S'chn T'Gai Spock who visited Earth to dominate it along with his philosophically tyrannical alien buddies, but instead, for some inexplicable reason, fell in love with our amusing, pseudo-intellectual, vulgar, filthy monkey antics. He then settled in the desert mountains of Arizona and met a big, fat, beautiful German woman, with yellow eyes, named Gertrude Gashalooca. They lived in a Winnebago near Tempe, AZ (2nd highest extraterrestrial population in the US, after Lordsburg, New Mexico) and begat 18 children. These children all banded together and started digging tunnels deep beneath the thick American bedrock.
They lined the tunnels with torches and started holding secret ceremonies down there that involved wearing strange black robes, with strange alien symbols on them, and running around in the dark with illuminated spaceship models, and making soft, "swo-o-o-oshing" noises. Eventually, they decided to live there. At the present time, they have lived there since "time immemorial", in peace and tranquility, thanks to RTD (Reverse Temporal Displacement).
By the 1960s, most of them had emerged from the underground and were bewildered to see pure bred humans fralking everything up with half-aussed, disposable modern technology from Radio Shack. But they chose to continue pretending to live their backward, ancient lifestyle, while secretly forming an alliance with their extraterrestrial half brothers, the Vulcans. It is a little known fact that the triangle, on the backs of their horse drawn buggies, is directly derived from the Vulcan "IDIC" symbol. Most UFO activity can be directly traced to their communities, where they hide their saucer-shaped craft in those big barns with all the funny hex symbols painted on them. This is the real reason they refuse to use outside contractors.
They mainly subsist on butter, milk, cabbages, turnips, Macintosh apple strudel, and electromagnetic radiation that is generated with butter churns. They also like pop star Weird Al, a lot! All Amish teens, are his screaming, rabid fangirls, and fanboys! They woulds stalk him, but those horse drawn buggies make too much noise, and his posse quickly whisk him away, if they hear that giveaway "clop, clop, clop, clop ... ".
Their beards are so thick and reinforced with Amish Glue (horse sperm) that they carry everything in there, from beans to gerbils (both, used as currency). It is not unheard of that dead scientists (like Einstein) have been found in their beards. All though Amish have never admitted being assasins, they admit they enjoy eating the carcasses of dead presidents, and their wives cooch while watching Jeopordy, telepathically.
Amish are known for their extreme love and enthusiasm for butter-churning and also have a strong support for Dj Premier of Gang Starr. They love butter-churning so much that they hold bi-annually the "Amish Butter-Churning Olympics". The sports in this athletic festival include:
- Synchronized Butter-churning contests
- Butter churning for the highest electromagnetic content
- Butter churning for highest electromagnetic/lacrosse content
- The best overall butter churned competition
- 100 m butter churning sprint
- 250 yard butter churning race
- 4x400 m butter churning relay
- Butter churn bowling
- Butter churning marathon
- Butter churn practical shooting
- Butter churn archery
- Butter churn Weight Lifting
- Cow churning
- Cow tipping
- Cow towing (a competitive form of puzzle solving)
- Playing video games on genetically engineered, plasma cows
- Beard growing
- Team beard growing
- Synchronized team beard growing
- Buzzing intoxicated fishermen with UFOs
- Silver barn-painted cow pie throwing, at intoxicated fishermen
- Synchronized creative barn hex design painting
- Churn Buttering
Appearance and Behavior
Amish are very fond of gambling. They usually bet on such things as who can churn the best butter in a minute, who can harvest the most wheat in a minute, or whoever can knit the prettiest quilt in a minute. They also gamble their wives. Their wives gamble them for cows. They also enjoy to play a game called "Who's the Amishest?". Due to their beliefs in boycotting modern technologies, such as the car, and the gun, and their pacifistic beliefs the Amish found that the historical past time of drive-by shootings would be impossible. In response to this they adapted it into an equally deadly cycle-by insulting. Which basically involves cycling-by a person and calling them a wanker.
There are three things that Amish love: barn-rais'n, quilts and making the cover of WIRED. The Amish typically have a variation of blond to brown hair, gray, blue or glowing yellow eyes (though, they will strongly insist that they are only hazel), a massive bone structure, and large brown spots all down their spines. Their funny up-then-down eyebrows are the result of their hybridization with Vulcans. Only Amish females can grow mustaches, and some are born with beards much like Charles Darwin, which they remove by applying scalding hot cow's milk. Although the Amish are well known for their churning of butter, they are extremely prominent due to their intriguing productions of cyclical and biblical excretion (also known as "shit"). Throughout the 1960s, thousands of Amish citizens in Ohio, Texas have delivered their litter though special mailing systems known to a few as "Amishit". In California, Texas, however, the Amish do not exist as they are completely considered as "pathetic losers who self-dominantly rule themselves out of crazy bullshit from an invisible man in the sky".
The Amish Underground
Despite living very secretive, secluded lives, the Amish are known to have vast technologies that far exceed anything found elsewhere in the world. Ever wonder why Amish people walk around carrying nothing, and why their horses make such unnatural sounds when they pass by? This is because the horses are really robotic, and they long ago perfected the replicator(by the late 1600s).
The Amish are the well known technophiles, easily exceeding the rest of the World in their expertise in technology. They are best known for their experience in computer science, though they are reclusive, and refuse aid and contact with most of the world. Despite, or perhaps because of their reclusive nature, they resemble the A-Team in many respects. The Amish can be recruited for an unsolvable problem, if you are able to make contact with them.
The Amish have reportedly found fast algorithms to solve NP complete problems, although whether the hardness of the problem is actually true in the hands of the Amish, remains to be a mystery. Like many fledgling communities they use the cheaper asymmetric system.
The Amish inventor Graeber Bartholomew Good, perhaps the most famous of the Amish, invented the light bulb in 1903 so that he could read pornography at night without the fear of knocking over his candles with his vigorous kitten slaying. At the 1921 Universal Exhibition, John Ambrose Fleming made a How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb-joke while an Amish overheard him. 3 Days later the same Amish invented the vacuum tube. It is a well known fact that the tribble powered space ship used in the 2009 Star Trek Movie, was invented by an Amish Trekkie named Yalana Yoder. It was, in fact, not destroyed by the Romulan/Mormon hybrids, but is presently concealed in a barn in Lancaster County, PA.
Due to their reclusive nature and skills, not much else is known about the Amish, though we do know a lot about their history and the technologies they are able to employ. The actual behavior of the Amish is rather mysterious since they are so shy. They are extremely difficult to document due to their Jedi-like mind powers. The most accurate & well known documentary is the video produced by Weird Al Yankovic.
We do know that the Amish have access to, and perhaps complete domination of the World Wide Web. Amish have their own internet service provider called Amis.net. The domain Amish.net was already taken. They are also known to have their own special computer virus. It can be found here.
Despite their primitive appearance as a society, the Amish have a strong foothold in the history of the world. Shortly after emerging from the ground in the mid-1500's, the Amish realized that, via their superior technology and intelligence, they could change the course of history. After establishing themselves as a primitive race of technology-haters, the aforementioned Amish Underground made plans the shape history to their own accord. By periodically releasing some of their lesser technological secrets to key figures in society, the Amish kept the rise of technology firmly under their control.
However, controlling the human race is a difficult task, even for the Amish. Fortunately, Amish control has faltered very little in the past. However, in 1914, the Amish general Gregario Hofflig never expected the assassination of the Archduke Ferdinand to spiral to such epic proportions. According to several recently stolen Amish Underground reports, Hofflig witnessed the predicted assassination and began plans to quickly start a bloody civil war in Syria that would divert attention from the fact that a Syrian extremist had killed Austria's Archduke.
Unfortunately, his orders of "start raids in Syria" were misinterpreted as "spread AIDS in Asia," and the Syrian government remained united when they received Austria's ultimatum. Hofflig could have still salvaged the situation by quickly taking control of the Syrian government and making them agree to all of Austria's terms. However, Hofflig hesitated, thinking that even Syria could not be stupid enough to invoke Austria's anger and cause the first World War. He was wrong.
The Amish-Mormon War
Many people believe Amish are much like the Mormons. Most do not realize that this is not true. The Mormons are closely allied with the Vulcans. Since 1833, Amish and Mormons have been at war. Originally, the Amish and Mormons lived together in Amish Country, residing on their secluded farms and hiding their vast knowledge, space ships, and technological resources from the rest of the world. However, by the turn of the century, a large group of Amish began breaking away from the traditional way of life.
They began to shave, wear colored clothing, and speak profanity. In 1832, the Amish King, Jakob Yoder (1800-1853), banished a group of 63 rebellious men, women, and children from Amish country. The banned Amish retaliated by forming their own community and renaming themselves the Mormons. They published their own books of Propaganda in 1833, known as the Chronicles of the Latter Day Saint and their adventures in Narnia.
The number of Mormons grew rapidly, and the Amish were greatly angered. In one of the most unprecedented events in history, the Amish declared war on the Mormons, driving them from Amish Country and into Illinoy [the common Alt Line Amish spelling of Illinois]. The Mormons held the Frontline in Illinoy in what is known as the Illinoy Campaign (1833-1835).
However, the Amish continued to beat them back until the Mormons fled to Utah. By 1847, nearly all Mormons had been driven to the wastelands of the West, where they remain today. However, the Amish continue to fight the Mormons with their Telepathic Satellite Death Rays.
A typical battle between the Amish and Mormons is fought entirely with Telepathic Satellite Death Rays. Since the Mormons and Amish live so far apart nowadays, they cannot fight a conventional battle. Instead, they beam deadly laser rays at each other, causing the destruction of property, desertification of large regions of the southwestern states, and occasional loss of life. They also send propaganda back and forth via the World Wide Web.
Amish fight their enemies with mental telepathy, pitchforks, sickles, and other farm and agricultural paraphernalia, while ridding battle trained war cows. Recent controversial footage of a "Haybaler of Death" under construction in an undisclosed location in Amish Country have been released on Youtube.
The Amish-Chinese Conspiracy
In the years after the puppy mill raids, tunnels going directly to Chinatown were discovered. The leading Amish-Sino relations experts all agree that the excess puppies were indeed transported to Chinese restaurants. There's a shit-ton of money in disguising dog meat. Professor Isaac Yoder Ackerman X explained that the Chinese, or English, have something very valuable to the Amish, money. Their general skittishness of the English world and the slight disapproval of drug dealing past Rumspringa age has lead to the puppy mills.
Amish puppy stores, with fun names like Anabaptist Puppies!, operate as fronts to elude suspicion. The puppies are then either transported by tunnel or bus. If they're in need of a large shipment and speed, but are willing to lose a few to the occasional bus fire and/or crash, they use the popular Fung Wah bus. The Fung Wah bus is the cool stylish way to travel between Chinatowns and Casinos, but under the seats, the puppies lay.
The Amish have arranged, claimed to be random, their communities (soul farms) to match up with major Chinese cities, this is for the tunnels. Truly chilling.
Also, the MSG (scientific name: Mennonite sodium glutamate) trade has also boomed, with the new soul capturing technology found in digital cameras. The popular reaction of flipping a shit at the sight of cameras is really to protect the soul trade. Through Chinese magic, in Chinatown, the Amish souls are condensed into a powder that later becomes MSG, a fun Chinese ingredient. The souls must be captured by a trained professional, preferably a Fung Wah Bus driver.
The Controversial Tractor of Death
It was rumored that the Amish have been constructing a weapon of mass destruction deep within Amish country. A video which was released on Youtube, shows many notable Amish engineers and scientists like Ezekiel Jakobs and Jebediah Jeremaiah working on a what looks like a tractor. They are seen to be working in a barn, surrounded with hay, with many tools around them and blueprints. They can even be heard to be discussing such topics as "mind control", "fighting fire with fire", and "world domination", well domination or abomination; I couldn't make out the words properly from the other side of the door. The video is yet to be confirmed as real but experts quite agree that this is the actual video of the Death Tractor in question.
The Amish are known worldwide for refusing to join the army and for playing the kazoo while they pull their wire. Wire pulling is necessary, because there are no electric motors allowed on Amish farms. The Amish believe in the practice of getting baptized for dead people who had not been baptized themselves. Amish Bishop Lou Zer Stoltzfus (which means "proud pussy") proudly boasts that he has been baptized for The Notorious B.I.G., for the FBI's most famous crossdresser, John E. Hoover, and for Jehovah Witness founder I. Zuck Gox.
The Amish refuse, in good conscience, to choke their chickens, because they are animal lovers.(Ain't THAT a bitch?!) According to their Bible, which encourages same-sex shenanigans, "Thou shalt love thy neighbour." Well, Amen! to that, Mr. Overalls! The Amish are world famous for having discovered a method to preserve a 336 year old German dialect, which they call Pennsylvania Dutch. All they did was, they dressed in funny clothes, refused to drive cars or vote, worked on farms and engaged regularly in entering through the rear and giving their neighbors the old reach around, as opposed to the run around.
Amishman Shtup Yoder claims to have patented "the secret game" he plays with children of his community in his attic. The Amish are merry gentlemen. In the morning, when they go to milk the cows, they are a bit down in the dumps, but after twenty minutes in the barm, the Amish will come out, grinning from ear to ear and wanting to go have a smoke and take a nap.
Most people do not realize that the Amish made and make most of their money from growing and selling tobacco. How's THAT for "Love Thy Neighbor?!" Veteran CBS newsman Richard C. Hottelet conducted extensive interviews in 1963 with the man originally charged with the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, Amish man Jake Zook. After Zook proved that he had been engaged in the oral stimulation of a donkey on his farm in rural Lancaster County, Pennsylvania at the time of the assassination of the President, the FBI released him, but not before treating him to a steak dinner and an all expenses paid round trip to Las Vegas. While there, pig auctioneer Zook hid in the closet of a local church while the ladies' auxiliary was having a spelling bee. After a bemused old lady entered the closet looking for the broom, Zook closed the door behind her and "finished her thought."
Currently the Old Order Amish Church is in negotiations with the Catholic Church with the goal being eventual reunification. All meetings were conducted in Pennsylvania Dutch, because the Amish "distrust" English, and Pope Benedict XVI, former loyal Hitler Youth and Wehrmacht soldier and tireless linguist taught himself that language the weekend before. According to the Holy Father, "Pennsylvania Dutch iss not zat different from mine own dialect, so it's a piece off cake."
As of the last weekend of 2008, there is only one disagreement holding up the Amish from going back to the Catholic Church, and that is the Pope's refusing to play tiddly winks and to sing "I Am The Nazi Pope" while getting busy with himself and his favorite altar boy. The Pope said that he cannot, in good conscience, play tiddly winks unless the corpse of his mother is allowed to be present for good luck, which the Amish have, so far, refused to accomodate.
Lastly, we come to the story of one Esther Burkholder, who was known around Intercourse, Pennsylvania as "that Amish lady who can't keep her mouth shut." Anyways, it seems that Esther was yakking away to an amused tourist about the town's funny name for the better part of an hour, when he whipped something out and put it in her mouth. Well, one thing led to another and they got hitched after he, a man by the name of Ernest Vuggnutz, agreed to convert to Amishism and to play the kazoo. Now, whenever Esther talks too much, well, Ernest just puts something in there so she shuts up.
The Federal Government of the United States of America ordered all Amish to submit DNA samples, which the Amish obediently did, as they are taught to "follow orders without question!" After an exhaustive examination of all the DNA two years later, it was determined that all Amish alive today are descended from the same 17th century Alsatian matriarch, one Hildegard Weitengooey. Hildegard had a hunched back, toe jam, swimmers' elbow, a head that can spin 360 degrees like that demonized girl in THE EXORCIST, webbed feet, a cleft pallot, and, according to her contemporaries, "the most beautiful muff in the world."
According to the same DNA research, all living Amish are also descended from one Alois Schicklgruber, a minor customs official of Braunau-am-Inn, a town in the Austro-Hungarian Empire, in the late 19th Century. And that's the way it is, Tuesday, January 20th, 2009. This is Walter Cronkite, CBS News. Good night.
Why The Amish Are So Intelligent
Once every blue moon I lay in my bed drunk and high wearing nothing but my underwear and a pair of ski boots when the thought pops up, "Damn, those Amish are an intelligent group of people." But why are they "So damn intelligent?" To answer this question, older than time itself, let's compare this gentle creature to us, the humans. Firstly, we're fat, they're husky, end of discussion. But why? Because they don't drive cars, they walk friggin' everywhere. Inch per inch, they weigh an average of two times what we do, and have three times our psychical strength, and four times our mental power. So you want a recommendation? I'll give you your recommendation! Make a mattress with a Jimmy Hoffa pattern. Sleep on it until the monsters from yesterday have a party with cupcakes and party poppers and pickle juice. Make sure you wear protection mister/miss ;)
Deitsch (bei die Amische "Dutch" gnannt) is en seltsame Sprooch, die die Amische yede Daag schwetze. Sell is yuscht fer de Englischleit tsu konfusiere. Fer Deitsch lanne, ess yeder Daag ee Appel mit Blaukaes fer en Yaahr un rum de Haus mit en Cardboard-Cutout vun Georg Busch tanze. Fang mit en Walze aa, dann ziehe tsu Tangos um.
- "Mei gehs is gbrochene."
- "Diese Kaes schmeckt wie Testicles."
- "Drugs sinn guud fer dich un mich."
- "Richard Simmons is mei Held."
- "Ish bin ee klein Teekanne."
Iwwersetzing/Translation*: Pennsylvania German (called "Dutch" among the Amish) is a strange language that the Amish speak every day. It's just to confuse the English folk. To learn Dutch, eat an apple with blue cheese every day for a year and dance around the house with a cardboard cutout of George Bush. Begin with a waltz, then move on to tangos.
- "In Soviet Russia, goes breaks YOU!!!"
- "Ja taken of the dunkin of the dunka dunka exxs.
- "This cheese tastes like clam chowder."
- "Drugs are good for my dick."
- "Jesus is my hero."
- "Tip me over and pour me out."
*Translation may or may not be 100% accurate.
Not to be confused with
- Tourette's Syndrome/Amish
- Romulan/Mormon hybrids
- the French
- Jehovah's Witnesses
- a Hippie commune
- Mennonites (yes apparently there is a difference, at least that's was I was told by the angry crowd while I was in the stocks. On the bright side at least, my wife doesn't nag me to ask for directions anymore.)
- The Waltons
- Peanut butter