Disney

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Disney's mascot, logo, and headquarters.

The Walt Disney Company (commonly referred to as The Galactic Empire) is a very, very, very, very wealthy corporation founded by Walt and Roy Disney in 1923. The company is most commonly associated with talking rodents; big, black balls on your head; young royal females that every little girl wants to imitate; a slightly overrated amusement park; and being evil, though that last thing is becoming quite cliché.

History

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1923–27: The Early Years

Brothers Walt and Roy Disney began their careers as animators making flip-books in their uncle's garage, occasionally receiving a penny or two from passerby. In 1923, Walt created Alice's Wonderland, a twelve minute short film consisting of six minutes of unique footage. The plot circled around a young girl named Alice who dreams about living in a magical, cartoon world, creating a seemingly upbeat story. In the end, however, she falls off a cliff and dies. The film landed Walt and Roy a job producing animated comedies for Magaret J. Winkler, after which Walt created a new character, Oswald the Lucky Rabbit, a cute little bunny who never seemed to lose a game of blackjack. The cartoon, however, was so boring that everyone on Walt's staff left his animation company and began working for Winkler's husband.

1928–54: The Golden Years

This guy may or may not have co-created Mickey Mouse. Ignore him please.

In 1928, after the failure of his earlier creation, Walt Disney gave birth to Disney's now-infamous mascot, Mickey Mouse, a half-naked rat that somehow appeals to children. Though Mickey Mouse was in a way Disney's first original character,[1] he was nowhere near the best,[2] similar to how Superman was the first superhero, yet The Green Hornet is by far the crème de la crème. Nevertheless, the creation of Mickey marked the beginning of Disney's success.

Soon after the creation of Mickey, Disney released their first full length feature film, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, in 1937. The film was an immediate hit, earning the company enough money to build its present-day headquarters. Its protagonist Snow White, a really attractive 14-year old girl that loves singing, has delighted audiences around the world. It was not long before Disney began releasing more feature films. Pinocchio, Fantasia, Alice in Wonderland, and various anti-Japanese propaganda films earned Disney a great reputation and some currency to boot.

1955–71: The Pretty Good Years

Walt with a few of his favorite things.

In the 1950s, Disney began to invest in the creation of its own independent nation, hoping to gain political dominance over the unimportant nations of Zimbabwe, Somalia, Moldova, and Eritrea, as well as any other country with inexpensive sweatshops. In 1955, the company unveiled Disneyland, dubbed "The Happiest Place on Earth with 'Land' in It's Name."[3] However, instead of becoming a prominent political power like Disney had intended, Disneyland was mistaken for a theme park, and thousands lined up to enjoy the various attractions, originally created for diplomatic negotiation. Its capital building, the Sleeping Beauty Castle, was soon modified to host dioramas and also served as a popular tourist trap, luring in unsuspecting children and brainwashing them into returning to the park year after year.

In 1966, Walt Disney died of complications relating to lung cancer. Though the general public, at first, could not decide whether this was a good or bad thing, it was eventually concluded that Walt's death was indeed a sad event, as Disney really seemed to go downhill after he passed away. Roy Disney followed his brother's suit five years later, marking the end of his life.

1972–83: The Relatively Bad Years

Throughout the '70s and '80s, Disney released many instant classics such as Escape to Witch Mountain (1975), Take Down (1979), and The Black Hole (1979), whose names alone have become iconic. Sadly, the quality of Disney products began to decrease as the company got older, similar to how the radioactive carbon-14 isotope decays over time, halving its mass every 5,730±40 years. 1983 marked the launch of Disney Channel, essentially a poor man's Nickelodeon,[4] and possibly the most horrid thing Disney had ever created.[5] The network was originally a means of exposing children to documentaries and mediocre foreign films, but this would change in due time.

1984–99: The Relatively Good Years

In the mid-1980s, Disney's incompetent management was sacked and given a new CEO named Michael Eisner. Under Eisner's leadership, Disney entered an era referred to by many as the "Disney Renaissance", where they produced such box office juggernauts as The Little Mermaid (1989), Beauty and the Beast (1991), The Lion King (1994), and Tarzan (1999) — each of which featured a triple-platinum soundtrack sung by Elton John and Phil Collins.

2000–present: The Decadency

By the turn of the millennium, however, Eisner's ego began to get the better of him. Believing 2D animation was a thing of the past, he ordered Disney to cease producing 2D features, instead switching to teenybopper media such as High School Musical, Jonas Brothers, Hannah Montana, and Demi Lovato, as well as CGI talking animal pop culture-fests that poorly attempted to ape Dreamworks and Pixar. After becoming popular among teenage girls, Disney launched Radio Disney, which has become a popular form of torture at Guantanamo Bay.

Controversies

Film cells from Disney's The Rescuers contained extremely detailed, graphic pornography (circled in red).

Originality

There have been some complaints regarding the originality of many Disney films, considering that almost every good movie produced by Disney was based on a previous short story, fairy tale, novel, or play. However, recent documents have shown that the supposed "literary sources" that inspired these films were indeed written by Walt and Roy's ancestors, showing that they had true Disney origins. Through complex DNA analysis, the Brothers Grimm, the original authors of Snow White and Sleeping Beauty, were found to be Walt's great uncles, initially referred to as the Brothers Disney, and Peter Pan was found to be Walt's great-great grandfather, who had written the screenplay for the film Peter Pan as a sort of autobiography.

Subliminal messages

On several occasions, conspiracy theorists and religious organizations have accused Disney of inserting subliminal messages into their feature films. The Lion King, for example, contains a scene in which Simba lies down on the edge of a cliff, throwing up a cloud of dust which supposedly spelled out the letters S-E-X. Parents were outraged, claiming that the letters were an acronym for Start Eating Xanax and that animators had slipped them in after being paid off by drug companies.

During one scene of The Little Mermaid, a bishop marrying Prince Edward and Ursula is supposedly seen sporting a bit of an erection. Catholic pro-life lobby group American Life League issued a boycott on Disney, claiming that showing a sexually-aroused bishop in any movie, let alone one targeted at children, is a mockery of the Catholic Church and its practice of celibacy. The Little Mermaid also had rumors of a penis on its promotional artwork, supposedly drawn by a disgruntled artist.

Footnotes

  1. Well, actually it wasn't; Oswald the Lucky Rabbit was.
  2. That title would probably have to go to Alex from Wizards of Waverly Place.
  3. Iceland and Greenland were hardly competition.
  4. As if Nickelodeon wasn't poor enough.
  5. With the exception of Euro Disney.

See also

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