Bernie Sanders

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Bernie "Liberal" Sanders
Bernie-bad-hair-day2.jpg
United States Senator from Vermont
Incumbent
Assumed office
January 3, 2007
Preceded by Moses Robinson
Personal details
Born Bernard Sandersov
September 8, 1941
Brooklyn, New York City
Died Three weeks ago
Political party Communist party
Alma mater University of Chicago
Religion Religion is the opiate of the masses

Bernard "Bernie" Sanders (born September 8, 1941) is a U.S. Senator representing the 9,615-square mile patch of progressive insanity that is Vermont. After having served nearly a quarter of a century in federal office, a demented Sanders had developed delusions of grandeur, and announced a 2016 presidential candidacy, genuinely believing America was ready to elect a senile socialist to the White House.[1]

Aided by an army of young white people with money and the Internet, Sanders had become a popular "meme" candidate, along with Donald Trump and, previously, Ron Paul. Sadly, another political underdog with her anti-establishment vagina won the primary and the nomination, and the millenials who upvoted him to success will hang their heads in shame, their nascent political optimism crushed by reality's cold grip. With Trump's ascendancy to the Presidency, all the political pragmatists who said, "Bernie is a pie-in-the-sky choice, choose compromise," will hang their heads from their ceiling fans. You fuckers.

Political career[edit]

When Sanders was a young man, Eugene V. Debs told him "Socialism ain't that bad, here, read some pamphlets." He's been a leftist ever since.

Sanders was mayor of Burlington, Vermont, for several years, turning the cozy New England hamlet into a repressive socialist dictatorship. Dozens of Bernie Sanders statues were built in the city, and hundreds of bunkers were constructed, dotting the landscape like goosebumps on a moderate Democrat.

Sanders was elected in 1990 to the House of Representatives as an Independent. Nevertheless, this hasn't fooled anyone, as his views often line up with that of the Democratic Party. The tiny state of Vermont has only one congressman, which let Sanders fight against corporate monopolies while being in one. However, in 2006, he moved "up" to the U.S. Senate, where instead of representing all of Vermont, he represents half of Vermont.

2016 Presidential campaign[edit]

If Sanders has the power to make unicorns and shoot rainbows, making make college free is a piece of cake!

Sanders announced his bid for the American presidency in April of 2015. Since then, Sanders has raised a decent amount of online loot from college hipsters on the coasts, but still trails a scandal-plagued Hillary Clinton by double-digits nationally. Because he's the 2,096th old white man to ever run for president, he's naturally had trouble attracting voters who don't look like they stumbled out a Homestead Strike re-enactment party. In fact, from what's posted online you'd think his base was made up entirely of cocktail socialists and angry Minnesotan Millennials.

Sandernistas were sure that Hillary Clinton's fumbled attempts to quote "Nae Nae" unquote in front of 20- and 30-somethings would've drive all the tan people into Bernie's wrinkled arms.

During 2015, Sanders became a favorite target of the Black Lives Matter movement, largely due to the fact that he happens to be an older white male from a state that is 95% white. This was exemplified in August of 2015 when two Black Lives Matter agitators took the microphone from Sanders and hijacked his campaign event. Sanders quickly realized the sight of a geriatric cracker screaming at two black women would bring up some bad memories, and he yielded his microphone. He then went on a campaign to attract black people who'd of otherwise voted for Hillary, who's married to a black man herself.

Platform[edit]

Sanders bringing class consciousness back from the dead, artist's interpretation.

Sanders was a candidate for the Democratic Party's nomination for president in the 2016 U.S. presidential election. He promised to end income inequality, protect the environment, and start a political revolution by which the means of production are democratically distributed in the workforce. Through heavy government reforms that'll totally pass congress, Sanders promised to end the influence of the billionaire class in politics by gathering them all up in prison camps and slaughtering them like the filthy kulaks they are.

Workers' councils (or "soviets" as Bernard Sandersov has taken to call them), will form in every state, and private property will seized, redistributed and owned collectively by the people, not by middle management cunts who don't pay me enough for overtime, I needed that raise a year ago. The tyranny of the bourgeoisie classes will be replaced by the light of worldwide Socialism. Workers of the world unite! Take your weapons and shoot down the capitalist swine! You have nothing to lose but your chains![2]

Supporters[edit]

Sanders has a rabid following, made up of many of the same people who voted for Barry O'Bama, now disaffected enough to vote for a democratic socialist, but not enough to give up on the whole "democratic process" thing. He tickles his supporters' ears with all the usual liberal claptrap: break up the big banks, end wealth inequality, free healthcare, free education, free state-sanctioned girlfriends, free wi-fi and complementary breakfast, and that the inherent contradictions of capital accumulation will create a massive economic collapse, paving the way for socialism to rise from the ashes.

It's likely that many disaffected voters who wanted Elizabeth Warren to run have flocked to Sanders. This may have less to do with the candidate himself and more to do with the fact that he's running to the left of Hillary Clinton, which is essentially "somewhere to the left of Trump". Sanders has been drawing respectable crowds for his campaign events, something that has been largely ignored by the national media, except MSNBC. His rise in the polls has left many pundits stumped, as he is the first unabashed leftist to enter the Democratic primary in ages.

Opponents[edit]

Sander's first 100 days in office, a brighter vision of another timeline. Shame.

Sanders's platform that the United States should not be allowed to become a corporate capitalist oligarchy has made him unpopular with numerous corporate sponsors, who promptly funneled their corporate dollars into helping publicize Hillary Clinton's campaign, and painted Sanders as "bad for small business". After all, should Sanders deliver on his campaign promise of creating US jobs, their practice of sending jobs overseas might be endangered, and CEO pay would not continue to increase a hundred-fold every year. Moreover, Sander's stance on leaving the government out of the bedroom and refusal to promise to regulate the female body made him unpopular with top church leaders. Trump himself said he is waiting eagerly to "fire" Sanders publicly, either right before or after he "fires" Obama and Hillary.

Hillary supporters and feminists who want a woman for president, believe that Sanders will only divide the popular vote, and that everybody will vote for Hillary in the end anyways for lack of better alternatives, should just vote for Hillary in the primaries so that Hillary will have enough campaign money to persuade the majority of the country to vote for her in the November elections. Because nothing persuades the "average Joe" like throwing more money into mud-slinging ads on each and every possible television channel. Clinton supporters say that Sanders is completely unelectable, but by voting for her their residual Sanders support will help move Hillary's agenda to the left.

Sanders has been called the lefty version of Trump (mostly by bloggers who need the ad revenue), in that he's an old man with funny hair who yells a lot. Old men with funny hair who yell a lot make up 89% of all seniors, so this comparison is unfounded. It is true that both candidates saw an unexpected and meteoric rise to popularity, partly because Americans didn't want to see a Bush versus Clinton fight, like Wall Street would've liked.

Political views[edit]

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Bernie Sanders.

Sanders is a self-described socialist. He is thus the only socialist in the Democratic Party to call himself a socialist, which puts him in the party's extreme wing, by himself, as every other socialist in the party calls himself "progressive" or "liberal." Everyone other than Sanders instead describes him as the "rumpled" candidate, though this does not make him unique.

Sanders's embrace of the "socialist" label has been called a remarkable case of self-outing. It shrewdly deprived his opponents of a successful accusation for him to accuse himself of it. Sanders' opponents in the Democratic primary have been unable to offer a criticism of him, except that he says too openly what they believe. Some actual academic wine-sipping, paper-writing socialists have called him out for watering down the term socialism in the American psyche to the point that it now only means, "don't shit on the poor." But at least they're glad some Americans don't recoil at socialism like they do a side salad at Burger King.

Footnotes[edit]

  1. Because of Trump's unstumpable success with his trademarked brand of right-wing populism, it seems that America is ready to elect literally anyone.
  2. It's like that Dolly Parton song.
Candidates in the 2016 U. S. Presidential Election
Republican Candidates

Donald TrumpTed CruzRand PaulMarco RubioBen CarsonCarly FiorinaMike HuckabeeRick SantorumGeorge PatakiLindsey GrahamJeb BushChris ChristieJohn KasichJim GilmoreScott WalkerRick PerryBobby Jindal

Democratic Candidates

Hillary ClintonBernie SandersMartin O'MalleyLawrence LessigLincoln ChafeeJim Webb