CNN

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We know those crazy canucks are somehow connected to CNN. Therefore, it should be known as the Canadian News Network.

“You are fake news”

~ Donald Trump, 45th President of the United States on CNN

Conehead NN (CNN)[What the Fuck is NN then?] is a U.S. television network that people around the world are watching. Basically only the astronauts, which means that their public is tripled since the year 2000. Following BBC, CNN has made a big advance on reporting field. They have reporters in the sewers and public toilets which lacked at BBC.

In 2017, CNN came under scrutiny when they publicly threatened to reveal a 15-year-old boy's identity after he made a GIF attacking them, which Donald Trump retweeted. This has led to their deterioration as a trusted news source, as many hoped that CNN would reveal the boy's identity, instead of simply threatening to.

Early years[edit]

When the entire nation of Switzerland misplaced itself, journalists from CNN received a Pulitzer in their efforts to track it down. It was hidden on top of the Czech Republic.

Their breakthrough was immediate when USA government decided to broadcast a television for the deaf which later on was discovered that titles on CNN news are created for people who told those at CNN:"I can't listen to this shit". CNN network first was made as a joke, and was intended for aliens but only for those who get high often. With the brilliant team of 1 workers they successfully launched a documentary:"Help me, I'm out of ideas and it seems out of this world". Second coming was the 1 episode of:"How do I quit job at CNN?". Later they went to the stars.

Public interpretation[edit]

CNN was often under attacks of many. One time the guy who killed a man near the CNN studio was in fact aiming at CNN but missed and stroke a claun. Second time the bomb which was intended for CNN staff ended in the sewer because the man who threw the bomb felt pity for the bomb so he threw it in the sewer. That day CNN was closed because of the awful smell of the sewers. Once CNN director got caught in lying that Larry King is an American citizen after Venezuela demanded him as the fossil property of Venezuela that dated between 2-3 millions of years BC.

CNN special guests[edit]

People often asked Jerry Springer where he gets guests but at CNN is completely different. They frequently put some drug in the drink to some people on the scene before they pull them into the studio. One time Britney Spears was called by CNN to the studio but later that night she drunk too much so the ambulance came to her house to put her into the nut house before she needed to attend CNN as the special guest next day. Also CNN is suspected for crimes against humanity when they called Michael Jackson to the studio for live broadcast unshaved and without the botox in his face.

The lair of the fake news beast[edit]

CNN studio is made in 1982 when family from Boston moved out and left a 200 years old house for parts to homeless so it ended finally in NY at some guy who apparently sold it to another guy for 22 dollars. Later CNN was sponsored from the Jesus himself giving dollars as the blessings. And that is why they get and idea for title:"Yougov" apparently speaking to Jesus that they believe in him as long as he gives them a blessing. In other words for people it doesn't make any sense at all. Today the LCD displays used at CNN studio are from the second shops and were first intended for poor people but CNN got it for free. In another words:"They stole it!" And not just that but:"They stole it from poor people!"

Sponsorship[edit]

The first man who bought CNN shares was the in fact the first guy who made a mistake thinking that CNN means Canadian National Network. Later he discovered that CNN intentionally used those letters because of Search Engine optimization in Google and Bing where most people thought it has something with Canada. Also police repeatedly discovered rooms under the CNN building for making drugs but didn't do anything since those from CNN told them each time that it was a kitchen for making flour for the doughnuts and if they don't tell that to anyone they will get a full box of doughnuts for free. So the story ended happily each time. Also stats from 2005 show that nobody absolutely watched CNN but was buying their expensive flour for the doughnuts. Also to make your own doughnuts you can call 111344441144 direct CNN line for getting small amounts of that flour with funny taste. But if you call from another country don't forget to use +1 first. Also police recorded that commercials at CNN are internationally provocation to people in countries which CNN publishes against their will. Its called a rape.

Reporters[edit]

"Quest means business" show is based at some guy who got 5$ to publish his face at CNN to represent the American idiot. Also the reporter which family has flees and to whom flees are a family heritage Becky Anderson is in fact a well known whore from Wisconsin which was the cause of some diseases in that state such as malaria, aids, tripper, SARS, a Wisconsin plague of 1984 and was working illegally at CNN till 1999 when CNN decided to put her on the list of the official workers who have only 3 diseases currently and is not a threat for CNN public because they found that she can't transfer a disease through a network cable of TV. They eventually tried to get rid of her by sending her at Alaska to die in a freezer so others will be safe but the bitch returned now positive on Syphilis.

The host at Comedy Central at CNN later was discovered that he is a Cuban on a secret mission to destroy American government through comedy of the congress members. He was also accused to giving a poisonous gas and chloroform to public so they laugh with nonsense. Larry King is still under the investigation as the foreign fossilized object of Venezuela. His age is still in a debate but some predict that he can outlive Becky Anderson because of the new diseases that she has.

 

CNN is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.