Dell
Dell is a company founded in 1884 after some bored farmer created a machine to help The Farmer in the Dell. They currently make personal computers that explode randomly, making it a terrorist's choice of bomb. Note that Dells are made in China by Foxconn, the best factory in the world, they even employ children, of course all of this comes at a premium DELL price.
Consumer Warning[edit | edit source]
Purchasing from Dell may result in broken products, bad customer service, dropped service calls, worthless warantees, and Indian people who speak broken English while refusing to solve your problem without threatening their jobs.
History[edit | edit source]
On August 6, 1884, some old farmer was really bored and decided to throw a bunch of old tractor parts together and plug them in. He was hoping to create some sort of primitive electric sexual device. After plugging the "sexual device" in, he noticed that the porn shop down the street had it's days numbered. The farmer then discovered MySpace and became a shitty poet and listened to emo music. Anyways.... after this, some skinny, blonde dude took notice and decided to chant around town but he then got caught on the pot. Long story short, fuck everyone.
Today[edit | edit source]
Unfortunately, Dell is no more. In the 1990s, the second coming of Hitler saw the takeover of Dell by the all glorious Packard Bell corporation and no longer was Windows an option but everyone was forced to use a Microsoft Bob lookalike. However, all was well after the evil Packard Bell was sued into oblivion by the RIAA for selling something that can make sounds and Hitler himself brutally butraped by Rambus for selling a device that has microchips in it. Now, mainstream society has newspapers and that scrambled channel on the TV that sometimes has decent audio and every few seconds, a boob flashes. The internet is now populated by four people named Greg. Every now and then, they make an attempt at writing unfunny articles. The company is now known for making shitty quality monitors, laptops that blow up, and PCs found in schools, offices and homes. They now have the largest selection of Windows computers that use Intel Core 2 Duo processors.
Recent Announcements[edit | edit source]
01/01/07
Dell CEO Mr A.Hitler sadly resigns from personally defecating in all new system's due to ill health and announced that this task will be outsourced to foreign workers fed a diet of corn and pigs blood.
10/09/06
As of 10/09/06 Dell has announced that it it will be shipping all new systems with a sizable quantity of cyanide placed in a dell style PEZ dispenser. this new strategy has reputably increased sales 20% and consumer erections by 15.25%.
6/16/10
QVC has independently verified Dell personal computers to be the best computers available for internet pornography. Their short lived high performance hardware is exelent for the average male user to use them for up to a full month of pornography before it explodes (as a method of both hiding data and stopping the pop-ups of nude squirrels from leaking out of the towers access panel). [The Porn To Prove It Still Needed] [1]
Troubleshooting[edit | edit source]
- Throw it out your home's second story window. Computer at the office? Take the elevator to the top floor, go to the stairwell, go up and out onto the roof and drop.
- Take it to the middle of a field and beat it with all your might.
- an example of this was seen in Office Space. Although the printer was not a Dell, the same technique applies.
- Bring it to a gun range and unload into it. The bullets allow for more connectivity between circuits, as lead is a natural conductor.
- Lawnmowers are particularly useful in this endevor, much like fixing an I-pod in a blender, a lawnmower returns the hardware to its original state.
- Driving a steam-roller over a Dell helps when you receive the "Blue Screen of Death."
- Light it on fire, that's simple enough. Everyone knows that you boil water in order to get rid of the viruses and bacteria, why not your computer?
Bad ways to troubleshoot[edit | edit source]
- Call Dell Support. They will not take your call, in fact they will ask to put you on hold and place bets to see how long you will stay on before you hang-up. It's a fun joke to them.
- It has been suggested by some experts that the best way to reformat a hard drive in a Dell Vostro laptop is to strip completely naked, play Duran Duran, and while "sort of dancing" yell at the Vostro, being sure to break it's spirit while highlighting all of its failures and shortcomings. After several hours, the drive will probably work again. Rumors of the drive producing intermittent cat noises, known to laymen as "meowing" after this fix are unsubstantiated.
- Use the built in Help and Support section of your computer. This is an utterly horrible tool. There is no hope for this program. It will trouble shoot your computer into the 1800's and you'll be running on a giant Hamster wheel before you realize that you've been duped. (If this does happen to you please do post a picture it would be quite hilarious)
Products[edit | edit source]
Exploding Laptop[edit | edit source]
Exploding Laptops are a new project by Dell to test combonations of batteries and spontaneous combustion to create a lapbomb. Several success stories have been posted to the internet, including reports of an exploding laptop at a conference in Japan. It has also been learned that Dell has known about faulty, dud, exploding laptops for years before finally providing a replacement for them.
"How do you break a Dell? Look at it"
"Hallo, Dell customer service team, how may we piss you off today?"
"Have a break, have a different pc."
