UNCYCLOPEDIA Senior Editor
Hello. You may know me as that guy who always makes sense from the show by the same name. Here at the Center for Ancient Astronaut Research, whose director I have been for over 12 years, we analyze phenomena from throughout human history — always adhering to the principles of science and reason. And providing engaging television entertainment to boot. (Wait! What was that? That buzzing! Did someone leave the door ajar — or is it — aliens???)
“If aliens came to Earth and said, 'Whoa! we've never been here before,' well yes, that might be a disproof.”
There are phenomena throughout history that have resisted explanation. Aliens could be the key we are looking for. Consider: Oscar Wilde, King Tut, Chuck Norris, Hitler, Qin Shi Huang, Charlie Sheen, George Washington, Saddam Hussein, and Brett Anderson. Our experts in the Humanities are simply at a loss to explain these phenomena. The theory that they were all aliens neatly solves this mystery. Now, if aliens came to Earth and said, "These guys aren't our homies, they never took a ride in our Millennium Falcon," well, we would consider that a strong objection to the theory. But we have no evidence that any alien has ever denied it. So shut up everyone who thinks this is bullshit!
Monsters are misinterpreted aliens
Giant bad ass dead guys rising from the dead, bitches on brooms, dead guys wrapped in toilet paper, Bigfoot, vampires, and even Mike Wazowski! All of these creepy looking creatures were known for scaring the souls out of humans. Appearing over billions of years ago. Well, back then humans were nothing but downright fucking stupid. When our ancestors saw these strange beings, they thought they were from either 1) Earth, or 2) Hell. Even though these places are the same exact place, why didn't they suspect they came from a third origin. Which would be, well, the correct origin too. With more knowledge in today's world, even though we're still pretty much twats, we can throw in that third possible origin where these dubbed "monsters" came from. Maybe even a third world origin of where these monsters, or extraterrestrials came from. Is it possible that the creatures in which our idiotic ancestors saw as monsters were just misunderstood extraterrestrials? Wait for it... wait for it... ... ... ... ... YES!
I'll explain why these so-called "monsters" are actually extraterrestrial misunderstood beings. The answer is simple, and there is no reason it isn't what it is. Well, open your ears.
Aliens made humans
“The bread goes in, the toast pops out. Aliens.”
Anyway, we now know the aliens made us. No, not China, the Extraterrestrial Chinese. Recently, a guy (or alien) discovered remains of a two million year old (possibly not from this world?) early human (or extraterrestrial female and her son). At the same time, a pig was born with a human head. Its just so simple! Since the bones revealed that they walked upright, and had modern hands, it must be. It has to be evolution. How does evolution occur? What causes this shit?! Could it be... the gods? NO! You're all mentally confused! The answer is aliens, dammit! I mean, give me one reason it's not aliens! Yeah, that's right. Nothing eh? Thought so.
And who was the man (or species that didn't originate from the third rock from the sun) that discovered this extraterrestrial-like evolution process? Charles Darwin was!... but the question is... ... ... WAS HE EVEN HUMAN, BRO?!... ... or was he... extraterrestrial?
Darwin might have suggested that ancient humans had evolved to walk on feet, and so they used hands to make weapons to wage war... But... Who gave this technology? Well in Greek mythology, which was based upon misinterpreted aliens, there was these quote-unquote stories of the Greek gods giving the humans fire, swords, nuclear bombs, and shit. However, why would the Greek gods need these tools of warfare in the first place? Gods can snap their fingers and kill somebody in an instance, so why in the outer space would the Greek gods give humans weapons used in historical wars? Sorry, I'm not buying it. It's the ancient alien black-market, that's what it is.
Darwin then claimed that smelly-ass apes evolved about 2,000 years ago into modern day humans. Many people, such as myself, dispute this theory. Why? The motha-shippin' aliens!
Since the book The Naked Ape was released in 1967, we can assume aliens are the reason we're less hairy (with the exception of the Turkish) than almost every single animal in the galaxy. Aliens are naked, (and probably sexy!), so we became naked when they created us. Point proven. Who created man?
Aliens made this poem
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Aliens are green.
Aliens made Earth
Consider the fact Earth looks so different from the other planets. They're ugly shits. So, obviously the Earth was forged by hand... possibly, alien hands?! No, not that kind of alien. The ones from above. Considering that the aliens are simply almighty, it is doubtful that Earth took long to make. The aliens are all high tech. Seriously, like if you agitate one, you're basically asking to die. My dad once told me I was sounding dumb and that aliens don't exist. I haven't seen him since. My ma told me that he left us emotionally. I told her it was aliens and she told me to burn in Hell. So yeah, my ma has been trying to hide the fact the E.Ts made Earth, but I pretty much broke the code, like aliens do with our puny human technology. Speaking of technology; if aliens don't exist, then how did they make everything?
Aliens made religion
Aliens made religion to prevent global panic. Instead, they wrote some fiction in their diaries and "accidentally" let certain stories fall to the Earth's surface. God? Well obviously we're talking bullshit now, if you bring God into this. In fact, I'm now decapatilizing the "G" in God. Now it's god. The only power out of this world is ALIENS.
Aliens did WTC
Obviously if religion doesn't exist, then Allah can't exist. If Allah can't exist than his followers can't exist. If his followers can't exist than hijacked planes can't exist. If hijacked planes can't exist than nothing man-made struck the World Trade Center. If nothing man-made struck the World Trade City... than it has to be, possibly something extraterrestrial? That's pretty likely. I guess we can conclude who actually did WTC. It's coming, it's coming, it's coming! IT CAME!
Aliens made the pyramids
Consider the Great Pyramids of Giza. Then consider the Sun Pyramid. They are the same size. But the only answer would be aliens.
Aliens made me
My mother is on alienprostitutes.orgy; with a good-paying job. One of her customers became my daddy. This time I'm actually talking about human-type aliens this time. Seriously, his name is Adrian Juan Sanco. He harvests corn. Aliens harvest brains.
Now for my final piece of evidence supporting the ancient alien theory; the so-called "decision maker". In ancient alien beliefs, it is rumored that by taking this ceremonial knife to my throat and performing a certain bloody ritual, shouting the legendary words from the "Bee Boo Bop" legend, it will become possible for us to once again connect with our sexy celestial ancestors The legend states that in order to perform this ritual, I must kill myself with a knife made by the star people of Algernon. Following this, I will be resurrected and my body will make this supposed cry that travels across entire galaxies in mere seconds, signaling the extraterrestrials' triumphant return to Earth, whereupon they will find us modern humanoids, more capable than our idiotic ancestors of carrying the tremendous burden of knowledge that is the true story of our unearthly origins.
Before we start though, I must tell you the words that must be chanted proceeding my death, which are "Glee glop stop-o-way de dop come estas shizzle-drizzle-fizzle-hizzle-the-end-kizzle grop-tongue de sixty-nine me WWJD fuck ya". This translates to, "Almighty star gods, come to Earth and show us your genitals".
The words I am about to shout, before I kill myself and transcend to the realm of the stars, translate roughly to "I will rise from the dead, and then the aliens will come".
* hehe... um... here I go... *
* What are you doing, Tsoukalos?! Do it already! *
Aliens wrote this article
If Giorgio is dead... then who hit save?!
| Quasi-Featured Article (10 March 2013)
This article was nominated to become a featured article; however, due to several votes being devoured by a Cactuar, it didn't make the cut (5/8.5). Don't let this happen again! For just pennies a day, you can prevent another travesty of this nature, or vote for other articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.