UnNews:Musk launches 2028 presidential bid under newly formed "Porky Pig Party"
Tuesday, July 1, 2025
Elongated Muskrat has for the umpteenth time opened fire on current President of the United States Grumpy Trumpy, this time over the jaw-dropping $5 trillion debt limit hike baked into the so-called "Big Beautiful Bill" that has passed the Senate today, an act that apparently requires one actual understanding minus one actual understanding of how economics work beyond "big number go up = good".
Naturally, Musk stormed onto 𝕏 to accuse Trump of trying to bankrupt the States faster than it takes one Tesla Cybertruck to detonate in front of a condominium skyscraper, imparting his intention to vie against the Annoying Orange himself in the 2028 general election as head honcho of the freshly minted and baked "Porky Pig Party", a deliberately alliterative counterpoint designed to underscore the folly of the Big Beautiful Bill.
"Democrats are so dumb, and Republicans are too, and honestly, the whole two-party thing is just prehistoric nonsense", Musk stated in a livestream broadcast from a Cybertruck slowly circling some random pig farm in Texas. "So I figured, what America needs isn't left or right; it's a party that stutters, goes commando, and isn't afraid to throw some crispy bacon into the political grease. If we’re crashing, might as well do it squealing loud".
When queried about his choice of mascot, Musk smirked and sedately put forward that "Porky Pig is the ultimate outsider - confused half the time, stuttering non-stop, having no respect for undergarments - reminds me of someone". Taking a swipe at current foreign policy, Musk added, "Also, who the hell thought poking Iran with a stick was a good idea? Congress is playing geopolitical Russian roulette like Wile E. Coyote chasing the Road Runner, with every misfire setting the whole world on fire. It's embarrassing. Pathetic, even".
The Porky Pig Party platform promises radical reforms, including mandatory circadian rhythm optimisation via afternoon naps for all politicians; a national ban on uncomfortable shoes; and replacing the Senate with a giant multipurpose inflatable bouncy castle designed to enhance bipartisan engagement through kinetic legislative sessions, ensuring lawmakers literally bounce ideas off one another.
Musk has also vowed to launch Congress into orbit and let his close friend at Space Sex, Marvin the Martian, handle things with his ray gun "as a contingency for systemic dysfunction". Further promises from the party include replacing all political speeches with interpretive dance, introducing mandatory snack breaks during debates, and requiring every politician to wear a pig snout during sessions.
As for the actual Looney Tunes ensemble, they have thrown their hats... well, Bugs Bunny's carrot into the ring with the P. P. P. Bugs deadpanned, "Eh, about time someone shook up the system with some real carrot reform". Daffy Duck, never one to shy away from chaos, declared, "I'm all for a little madness, so count me in for the pig snouts and the bouncy castles, baby!" Even Elmer Fudd, usually more cautious, expressed tentative approval, noting, "If it hewps catch that wascawwy wabbit of powiticaw gwidwock, then I'm game, so wong as I'm not the one being hunted".
...until November 2028...
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Alec Schemmel "Elon Musk says US is ruled by 'Porky Pig Party' as Trump defends his vision against former ally's criticism" Fox News, June 30, 2025