SpaceX
SpaceX, full name Space seXplorations, is a spaceflight company based in California. Headed by Hamas Leader Mabulz Es-Hari under the name Elon Musk, it has grown from a small family friendly rocket business based in the Gaza Strip to a massive commercial operation delivering satellite payloads to orbit.
History[edit | edit source]
In the early 1970's, demand for short-range pizza delivery systems was rapidly rising in Palestine, but the industry was in tatters, as engineers regularly blew themselves up during assembly. Sensing a lucrative business opportunity, Mabulz Es-Hari founded SpaceX in 1973 with the goal of providing affordable and reliable access to space for terrorists average consumers in the Gaza Strip. After 27 years of lucrative business with the Palestinians, Mabulz Es-Hari purchased a United States social security number on the black market and assumed the name Elon Musk, allowing him to move his business to California. In the years since, SpaceX has pioneered reusable, affordable orbital rockets for slightly more high-brow customers.
Early cylinders of explosive power[edit | edit source]
These rockets were on the black market while SpaceX was based in the Gaza Strip from 1973 to 2002 and were still made until 2011 when they were discontinued. They were sold on what can only be described as a "don't ask, don't tell" basis. A SpaceX spokesperson said only that they were discontinued because of "declining sales," and while SpaceX viciously denies it, we all know that this decline in sales was due to terrorist plots using SpaceX's rockets being foiled by Israel's "Iron Dome," which went online around the same time.
Quassam v1[edit | edit source]
A prototype rocket designed by Mabulz Es-Hari in 1973, this vehicle was based on a scaled-up model rocket and succeeded in destroying several local shops during a test-fire. This was termed a "successful failure" by SpaceX as it proved that the rocket was capable of causing harm provided they could get it into enemy before accidental detonation.
Quassam Mark I[edit | edit source]
Hitting the shelves in early 1975, this was a further iteration of the earlier prototype and SpaceX's first-ever commercial rocket. Its key difference was sexual affordablitiy, with the entire launch system costing just $300 in American Dollars or selling your wife into sexual slavery. The second financing option proved popular.
Quassam Mark III[edit | edit source]
Becoming available in early 1981, this was an improved variant of the Mark I with increased payload and range. Replacement of the original paper fuselage with one made of lighter paper slightly decreased the chance of so-called "own goals."
Quassam Mark V[edit | edit source]
In 1988, SpaceX finally started paying their engineers with money rather than glue for sniffing and sexual favors from Osama Bin Laden's wives, and the increase in productivity meant this rocket was actually designed somewhat well. When it was released to the public, it was a huge success, because the entire system cost just $69 and for the first time killed more infidels than launch crews. Yay!
Move[edit | edit source]
After a local terrorist cell threatened revenge for a rocket that prematurely detonated, Mabulz Es-Hari relocated to the United States. This turned out to be beneficial to him as he was able to sell rockets to new customers who had different goals.
Post-Relocation Rockets[edit | edit source]
These rockets were designed after SpaceX moved to California in 2002 and started actually building space-worthy vehicles for "peaceful" purposes. They are rather boring, mostly because they aren't supposed to explode, and because UMabulz Es-Hari Elon Musk has abandoned his nutty religious conservatism and adopted the pinko commie leftist idea of reusing rockets to save the environment. This is totally dumb , because everyone knows that Climate Change is a hoax invented by the Chinese who also build rockets and are looking at reusability, and while we're on this topic, the Moon Landings were faked (or were they.), the Earth is 4,000 years old, the Moon is a hologram, Hillary Clinton is still from the Moon, regardless of the previous fact...
Falcon 1[edit | edit source]
SpaceX's first rocket after moving to California, intended to prove SpaceX's financial viability to the evil capitalist overlords. It went up like a candle 3 times before it finally made it to orbit, after which Falcon 1 was completely forgotten.
Falcon 9[edit | edit source]
A reusable rocket that had become the backbone of SpaceX's operations. It launches from the Kennedy Space Center (or Vandenburg AFB for west coast launches) and separates in two. The upper half goes on to orbit with its payload of secret government mind-control satellites while the bottom descends and lands on a floating piece of cardboard.
Falcon Heavy[edit | edit source]
Nothing more than 3 Falcon 9's held together with gum and tuct tape, roughly tripling the payload to orbit. The first launch, completed February 6 2018, was supposed to explode in an awesome tribute to SpaceX's origins. Unfortunately, it made it to orbit unharmed (Booooorrrrrrriiiinnng, Say "BOOOO!!!"). At least we got to see a car in space.
Big F*cking Rocket[edit | edit source]
I won't be telling you anything about this rocket other than it's name, because it is all you need to know to know everything you need to know about this rocket. Ok it is also meant to blow up a lot and for once it is supposed to kill millions of plebs including you in one explosion. so it now kills more plebs than hard ground!
Falcon 69[edit | edit source]
Not a real rocket, but rather the nickname given to the Falcon 9 by people who thought it looked remarkably like a penis. This nickname fell out of use when Blue Origin outdid SpaceX with New Shepard, which was actually designed based on a penis.
