Elon Musk

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Elon Musk
Elon musk portrait.png
Elon Musk spots some factory workers trying to unionize
Born (1971-06-28) June 28, 1971 (age 48)
South Africa, Earth
Occupation Bourgeoisie scum
Known for Cameo appearance on Young Sheldon (Season 1, Episode 6)
Net worth $14 (February 1982)

Elon Musk is a hair transplant model, twitter monger, and professional business magnate, which means he hires people to invent stuff and then gets all the money and fame. Unlike Steve Jobs, who gets undue credit by technology wonks for revolutionizing the fancy phone industry, Musk is given credit for paving the way to mankind's salvation through his signature line of government-funded rocket dongs and electric cars. This has naturally gone to his head. Nerds have compared him to Iron Man,[1] which is apt, since their technical and engineering genius are both fictions used by billion dollar corporate machines to generate loads of money.

Musk has founded a string of novelty technology companies, like flying dildo launcher SpaceX or Tesla, which sells the opportunity to wait three years for a fancy electric car.[2]

On 6 February 2018, Elon Musk launched his personal Tesla Roadster into space, and it can be seen with a telescope, running over Carl Sagan's legacy. He is also on the second billionaire in history to openly document his encroaching psychosis online.

Early life[edit]

Elon Musk was absolutely born to a human mother, with carbon-based human parents, and not out of some interstellar lizard cloaca. He was not draped in an artificial bio-skin which still doesn't quite fit his face right despite the numerous corrective surgeries, and he never landed on Earth as part of an alien plot to bring about the end of humanity. No seriously, all these cutesy theories about Musk being some sort of alien messiah are all just part of an astroturfing campaign to make a dumpy old rich dude look cool. He's a frumpy billionaire nerd with a crippling inferiority complex, like Notch except even more of an unhinged jelly brain.

Musk was mercilessly bullied in high School, which means he's relatable and just like you, except you can't compel some overworked engineers to stuff your high school bullies in the trunk of a Tesla Roadster and launch it into space. Total injustice.

Musk moved from South Africa to Canada and then later the United States, to pursue his wet dream of becoming a blood-sucking venture capitalist siphoning the money of taxpayers through the privatization of government institutions.

Businesses[edit]

Elon Musk first became inordinately rich through PayPal, where he learned how to handle the money of the general public for his own personal gain. This would make him little more than a bog standard billionaire, if not for his onanistic impulse to be seen as a big boy great man of history.

SpaceX[edit]

Kinky

Elon Musk saw a great opportunity to generate profit from the Obama administration's gradual dismantling of government run space exploration. He devised a company that could soak up government subsidies and contracts like a shamwow. He named it SpaceX, which sounds like space and sex put together, both things that would be out of Musk's reach were it not for his money. Musk decided he could play dress up as Wernher von Braun[3] and shoot flying metal phalluses into space, and he hired a cadre of malnourished nerds to fulfill his every request. Musk wasn't going to crawl up and down rockets soldering wires and welding shit, or however it is rockets are made. His pet nerds bring his vision to life, and Musk swoops in like a balding eagle to take the credit and fame.

Elon Musk's pet nerds are best known for revolutionizing the field of reusable rocketry, something which Musk first learned about while trying to make a SSTO that could reach Minmus in Kerbal Space Program.

His interests in polluting the cosmos with commercial space junk draws large crowds of conceited internet geeks, high from huffing Neil deGrasse Tyson's potent farts. Despite not receiving a cent of Musk's considerable net worth, they spend their waking hours online defending a billionaire who would dump their mothers in a meat grinder if it meant quarterly profits going up 4%.

When not exploiting the naivete of his adoring fanbase, or treating his assistants like defective can openers, Musk makes his exhausted employees work 90 hour weeks. When they inevitably burn out, they are sedated and dumped into Falcon 9 fuel tanks as an accelerant.

Tesla[edit]

The car's autopilot mode allows it to scab during truck or taxi driver protests

Elon Musk's other pet money sink: Tesla, named after the character David Bowie played in The Prestige, makes electric cars, which are like normal cars, except the pollution is outsourced to your local coal plant. Tesla released their Model 3, which faced production delays due to the souls of Chinese miners—who died mining the lithium needed for the car's batteries—possessing the vehicles' AI and driving the cars off of cliffs. Tesla has also developed a new line of electric Semi-Trucks, now without 64oz cupholders or room in the rearview mirror to put your rustic Pine Tree car fresheners.

Musk has faced some resistance from the rambunctious factory workers who assemble his cars. Musk spent millions hiring South American paramilitary groups to massacre his more uppity underlings, United Fruit style.[4] To compensate for the long hours, poor healthcare coverage and lack of collective bargaining rights, Musk promised his workers free frozen yogurt stands. No seriously.

Not content to ruin the lives of his own workers, Musk has also invested millions of dollars in creating advanced guiding systems for self-driving cars and self-driving semi-trucks, insuring that millions of drivers will see their livelihoods literally speeding past them, as soon as Musk patches that pesky "crashes into pedestrians" bug. Musk has offered unemployed truck and cab drivers the opportunity to stand under the rocket nozzles of his Falcon Heavy rockets, where they can be humanely incinerated.

Elon Musk recently stepped down as Tesla Chairman after he tweeted himself into several SEC fraud charges.

Hyperloops[edit]

After his legion of underpaid workers revolutionized rocketry, Musk claimed he could do the same for transportation. The Hyperloop is like a train, except it doesn't work.[5] Borrowing from Apple, Hyperloops would be 100% incompatible with any city's existing public transportation system, forcing local governments to trust the rich out-of-towner with the shiny monorail not to be some sort of conman.

The Hyperloop is part of Musk's bold vision for the future of transportation: the proles, clothed in plastic bags and old tires, languishing in the surface with their stinky buses and trains, while the rich—kept away from the smelly masses—zip through tunnels hundreds of feet below the Earth in their Tesla cars. Musk has acted on this dream by starting a new enterprise, The Boring Company, a tunnel boring company which sells hats and plastic flamethrowers.

Personal life[edit]

"Hey Elon, you ever heard of the Stoned ape theory? Jamie, pull it up, pull up the video of the guy fucking a melon."

Elon Musk dated singer-songwriter Grimes for the better part of a year, since dating women much younger than he is runs in the family.

In September of 2018, Musk appeared on The Joe Rogan Experience to watch a three hour "SJW Cringe Compilation" followed by videos of moose getting hit by cars.[6]

When not accusing cave divers of pedophilia or recreating Eyes Wide Shut in his living room, Elon Musk spends his considerable recreational time sabotaging his own companies by bitching on Twitter.

Footnotes[edit]

  1. What a hell we live in, where not even reality can escape the filter of the spectacle.
  2. It's not the first time Nikola Tesla's achievements have been mercilessly exploited by a sociopath.
  3. And like von Braun, no one's completely sure he's if he's a Nazi or not.
  4. As featured in Gabriel García Márquez's classic novel of magical realism, One Hundred Years of Fucking Pilar Ternera.
  5. Trapped in a tiny, windowless capsule, passengers would experience something like the Willy Wonka tunnel scene mixed with the feeling of being a pet stuffed inside overhead baggage. Hyperloops would require weeks of pumping air out of hundreds of miles of tubes, erasing any energy savings from moving a train through a vacuum. A rupture in the tube would let air rush in at the speed of sound, crushing any unlucky capsules and the meatbags therein. If the capsule itself were breached, the sudden depressurization would turn the passengers into a chunky tomato bisque. The Hyperloop has gained support from anyone who wishes to see Elon Musk crushed under the weight of a pressure differential shockwave.
  6. "You know, the moose, it's in the shape of a barrel, and it's got this insanely high center of gravity, so if a car comes speeding at it, its gonna roll straight into your windshield. Not a good way to go. Shit. I saw pictures, families just crushed like soda cans. Hey, you see the way McGregor hit Mayweather in round six? That's spirit. Right in the chin."