Elon Musk
- This article is about Elon Musk. For other uses, see Elon Musk (disambiguation).
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 Elon spots yet another plot to unionize. | |
| Born |
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| Occupation | Bourgeoisie scum, businessmanchild, cuckold, engineer, whiny brat-turd, bigot, DOGE detective |
| Years active | 1995-present |
| Known for | Cameo on Young Sheldon Encroaching psychosis |
| Net worth | $14 (February 1982) |
| Political party | Republican |
| Other political affiliations | Democurious (for about 3 minutes in the late 90s) |
| Spouse(s) | Himself |
| Children | 13, that we know of |
Elon "Not A Hitler Enthusiast" Musk (born June 28, 1971) is a hair transplant model, Twitter[1] monger, microchip in-braininator, professional baby namer, deadbeat dad, and business magnate, which means he hires other people to invent stuff and then gets all the money and fame. Unlike Steve Jobs, who gets undue credit by technology wonks for revolutionizing the smart phone industry, Musk is given credit for paving the way to mankind's salvation through his signature line of government-funded penii-shaped rockets and electric cars. This has naturally gone to his head. Nerds have compared him to Iron Man,[2] which is apt, since their technical and engineering genius are both fictions used by billion-dollar corporate doody dump machines to generate loads of money.
Self-declared protector of free speech and capitalism, Musk has founded a string of novelty technology companies, like flying dildo launcher SpaceX or Tesla, which sells cars that will self-drive themselves into oncoming traffic.[3] On February 6, 2018, he launched his personal Tesla Roadster into space–it can be seen with a telescope, running over the desiccated corpse of Carl Sagan.
Early life
Elon Musk was absolutely born to a human mother, with carbon-based human parents, and not out of some interstellar lizard reptilian hybrid cloaca. He was not draped in an artificial bio-skin which still doesn't quite fit his blubber boy face right despite the numerous corrective surgeries, and he never landed on Earth as part of an alien plot to bring about the end of humanity. He is a frumpy nerd with a crippling inferiority complex, like Notch except even more of an unhinged jelly brain.
Musk was mercilessly bullied in high School, which means he's relatable and just like you, except you can't compel some overworked engineers to stuff your high school bullies in the trunk of a Tesla Roadster and launch it into space. Total injustice.
Musk moved from South Africa to enslaved trucker land and then later the United States to pursue his wet dream of becoming a blood-sucking venture capitalist siphoning the money of taxpayers through the privatization of government institutions. He claims to have earned degrees in economics, anime and physics from the University of Pennsylvania.
Businesses
Elon Musk first became inordinately rich through PayPal, where he learned how to handle the money of the general public sheeple debt slaves for his own personal gain. This would make him little more than a bog standard billionaire, if not for his onanistic impulse to be seen as a big boy great man of history.
SpaceX
Elon Musk saw a great opportunity to generate profit from the Obama administration's gradual dismantling of government-run space exploration. He devised a company that could soak up government subsidies and contracts like a ShamWow: he named it SpaceX, which sounds like space and sex put together, both things that would be out of Musk's reach were it not for his money. He decided he could play dress up as Wernher von Braun[4] and shoot flying metal phalluses into space, and he hired a cadre of malnourished nerds to fulfill his every request. Musk wasn't going to crawl up and down rockets soldering wires and welding shit, or however it is rockets are made. His pet nerds bring his vision to life, and Musk swoops in like a balding eagle to take the credit and fame.
Elon Musk's pet nerds are best known for revolutionizing the field of reusable rocketry, something he first learned about while trying to reach Minmus. His interests in polluting the cosmos with commercial space junk, Twinkie wrappers, Power Ranger DVD cases, and American Flags draws large crowds of conceited internet geeks, high from huffing Neil deGrasse Tyson's potent farts. Despite not receiving a cent of Musk's considerable net worth, they spend their waking hours online defending a billionaire who would dump their mothers in a meat grinder if it meant quarterly profits going up four percent.
When not exploiting the naivete of his adoring fanbase, or treating his assistants like defective can openers, Musk makes his exhausted employees work ninety-hour weeks. When they inevitably burn out, they are dumped into Falcon 9 fuel tanks as an accelerant.
Tesla
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Elon Musk's other pet money sink: Tesla, named after the character David Bowie played in The Prestige, makes electric cars, which are like normal cars, except the pollution is outsourced to your local coal plant. Tesla released their Model 3, which faced production delays due to the souls of Chinese miners – who died mining the lithium needed for the car's batteries – possessing the vehicles' AI and driving the cars off cliffs. Tesla has also developed a new line of electric semi-trucks, now without 64-ounce cupholders or room on the mirror for your rustic-pine freshener.
Musk has faced some resistance from the rambunctious factory workers who assemble his cars. He spent millions hiring South American paramilitary groups to massacre his more uppity underlings, United Fruit style.[5] To compensate for the long hours, poor healthcare coverage and lack of collective bargaining rights, Musk promised his workers free frozen yogurt stands. No seriously. He claims that each Tesla Model 3 makes seven trees do the arboreal equivalent of cumming for every 120,000 kilometeres driven.
Not content to ruin the lives of his own workers, Musk has also invested millions of dollars in creating advanced guiding systems for self-driving cars and self-driving semi-trucks, insuring that millions of drivers will see their livelihoods literally speeding past them, as soon as he patches that pesky "crashes into pedestrians" bug. Musk has offered unemployed truck and cab drivers the opportunity to stand under the rocket nozzles of his Falcon Heavy rockets, where they can be humanely incinerated.
Elon Musk recently stepped down as Tesla Chairman after he tweeted himself into several SEC fraud charges.
Hyperloops
After his legion of underpaid workers revolutionized rocketry, Musk claimed he could do the same for transportation. The hyperloop is like a train, except it doesn't work.[6] Borrowing from Apple, hyperloops would be completely incompatible with any city's existing public transportation system, forcing local governments to trust the rich out-of-towner with the shiny monorail not to be some sort of conman.
The hyperloop is part of Musk's bold vision for the future of transportation: the proles, clothed in plastic bags and old tires, languishing in the surface with their stinky buses and trains, while the rich – kept away from the smelly masses – zip through tunnels hundreds of feet below the Earth in their Tesla cars. Musk has acted on this dream by starting a new enterprise, The Boring Company, a company that has dug approximately one tunnel and makes most of its money by selling hats and plastic flamethrowers.[7]
Neuralink
Musk's company Neuralink, made up of a team team of monkey-killing enthusiasts, has designed a microchip which, when lodged inside your brain, allows you to move a tiny mouse cursor with your mind. In exchange, Neuralink reserves the right to place glaring product placements inside all of your most cherished childhood memories. Neuralink may even temporarily appropriate your cybernetic limbs and move you to a Tesla Gigafactory as a seasonal unpaid intern. And don't even think about voting for a Democrat! The chip will explode, killing you instantly.
Elon hopes to implant a microchip inside the brain of every American by 2035. This will mean every American gets the benefit of Elon Musk's Twitter feed jammed into their brain, every minute of every hour of every day. Not even sleep will be a reprieve from Elon's posting. And don't even think about looking at his retweets of misspelled Facebook memes without liking and following! The chip will not explode, killing you instantly. It will kill one of your family members instead, one for every 10 seconds you spend not mentally pressing the like button with your Neuralink chip.
Political Career
Suspicious salute
On January 20th, 2025, the day of Donald Trump's inauguration, Elon Musk made what appeared to be a Nazi hand salute while speaking to a stadium full of Trump fans. Supporters of Elon Musk, including the Anti-Defamation League, would later claim that the salute was merely an awkward hand gesture brought on by his unique brand of autism, although, Musk has yet to explain why he immediately went on to recite Mein Kampf in the original German for approximately six hours afterwards, long after the crowd of Trump fans had already left the venue.
Personal life
Elon Musk had previously dated the musician Grimes in 2018, and they have one baby named Model #SR~71 ΨΘZ9й X Æ A-12. Attempting to pronounce the name may induce Bell's palsy.
Elon Musk is also known for inseminating the women who follow him on Twitter. Elon Musk legally reserves the right to impregnate anyone on Twitter/𝕏 who signs up for Premium. This is hidden in the fine print of the user terms of agreement. Elon will naturally not be a part of your child's life, but you will receive a reasonable uptick in Twitter revenue.
In September 2018, Musk appeared on The Joe Rogan Experience to watch a three hour "SJW Cringe Compilation" followed by videos of moose getting hit by cars.[8] He made a second appearance in May 2020, to watch "SJW Cringe Compilation Part 2" and make Jamie lick the ground and do animal noises for their amusement.
When not accusing cave divers of pedophilia or recreating Eyes Wide Shut in his living room, Elon Musk spends his considerable recreational time sabotaging his own companies by shitposting on 𝕏/Twitter, or 𝕏itter.
See also
Notes
- ↑ (now 𝕏)
- ↑ What a Hellish world we live in, where not even reality can escape the filter of the spectacle.
- ↑ It's not the first time Nikola Tesla's achievements have been mercilessly exploited by a shekel-slurping-sociopath.
- ↑ Like von Braun, Musk is also a Nazi, a.k.a. National Zionist, who loves Hittla, Israel and Moonman. Or not.
- ↑ As featured in Gabriel García Márquez's classic novel of magical realism, One Hundred Years of Fucking Pilar Ternera.
- ↑ Trapped in a tiny, windowless capsule, passengers would experience something like the Willy Wonka tunnel scene mixed with the feeling of being a pet stuffed inside overhead baggage. Hyperloops would require weeks of pumping air out of hundreds of miles of tubes, erasing any energy savings from moving a train through a vacuum. A rupture in the tube would let air rush in at the speed of sound, crushing any unlucky capsules and the meatbags therein. If the capsule itself were breached, the sudden depressurization would turn the passengers into a chunky tomato bisque. The hyperloop has gained support from anyone who wishes to see Elon Musk crushed under the weight of a pressure differential shockwave.
- ↑ Musk has said this will solve traffic problems once and for all. He posted a CGI demonstration of his plan on YouTube. In the video, one car is seen waiting roughly a minute for the elevator that takes one car at a time down to a tunnel. Musk has also said there is no limit to the number of tunnels we can build. (Apparently physics students at UPenn aren't taught that the Earth has a finite volume and mass.)
- ↑ "You know, the moose, it's in the shape of a barrel, and it's got this insanely high center of gravity, so if a car comes speeding at it, its gonna roll straight into your windshield. Not a good way to go. Shit. I saw pictures, families just crushed like soda cans. Hey, you see the way McGregor hit Mayweather in round six? That's spirit. Right in the chin."
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