Dollar
The dollar as a unit of currency generally means one of the following:
- a U.S. minted silver coin worth about $64.60 as of September 2026, but with a face value of $1.00 and I'll give you a dollar for it
- the US Federal Reserve Arbitrary Unit of
DepthDebt worth approximately $1.00, 0.0000000000001€, 10,000,000₽ (Pokémon Dollars), or one half of one English imperial pound - any other currency bearing the name dollar
Dollars are, theoretically, backed by the gold stores in the Federal Reserve Bank, at Fort Knox, and several other places, which total approximately 5.4 x 102 grams of gold. There are 673 billion dollars in circulation; therefore, each dollar has a value of 1 x 10-31 €. The dollar is used in many countries around the world, including the United States. There are many different types of dollar; by far the most common of these is the US Dollar, also known as USD and, in the UK, a 10-pence piece of paper. The US Dollar actually gains value when used as toilet paper.
History[edit | edit source]
The dollar is believed to have originated in Dublin in the 20th Century to replace the potato with sausages. They had to find a medium that was clean, recognized by all as having value, portable, and did not draw angry bears looking for food. That medium was beer, no it was actually gold. But gold is, in the words of George Washington "some pretty heavy stuff" so the government issued pieces of paper that represented gold. That was the sacred promise of the government to the people, that they were just keeping your money for you, and that is why, if you go to Fort Knox right now and ask to have your dollars exchanged with gold, you will be turned into a large human chew-toy by Federal attack dogs. That is because, again in the words of George "some pretty rare, pretty heavy, pretty stuff" in simpler terms the government found out gold is, like, rare. So they decided to back it with something more common and easily replaceable. Does this mean our whole money system could any day collapse and be replaced with Cheez Whiz? Of course, that is why you need to stock up on guns. Consigned to history early on, it was considered a cultural artifact by many; this combined with its propensity to rapidly devalue made it a prime choice of currency for the newly formed United States, where many citizens use it in the ancient art of lemur drop-kicking.
The US Dollar[edit | edit source]
After the USA had its independence from the United Kingdom given to it by France, it was decided that another currency should be introduced. The old German dollar was resurrected from the history bins (see above). This soon became very popular and 1843 the Federal Reserve ran out of dollars. At first, chocolate money was used as a substitute. This led to confectionery firms making a lot of, well, chocolate and the largest, Willy Wonkas, is believed to have made a mint. This is believed to be where the tradition of the rich being fat derived from, although it is still unknown from where the tradition of them being bastards derived.
In 1851 the dollar had been reinstated, this time in paper format. The value of the new dollar was re-pegged to ensure that a shortage did not occur. The value was based on single "reference dollar" kept in a room at the Federal Reserve under tightly-controlled laboratory conditions. It is not permitted to be taken out of the room as the buck stops there and not, as is commonly believed, here.
Currently the dollar is the main way officials in big cities hide get rid of poverty, because for some twisted reason, these idiots believe that green pieces of paper with a pyramid that has a giant frickin' EYEBALL floating over it have intrinsic value. The simple methodology which they employ is quite simple: simply go to a simple overpass during rush hour and dump many trash barrels-full dollars into oncoming high-speed traffic like confetti at a ticker-tape parade. People stricken with poverty will then rush into the roadway to get them and, thus, be eliminated.
Some samples of US dollar-based currency with arbitrary numbers printed on them[edit | edit source]
Other dollars[edit | edit source]
The most widely used dollar types apart from USD are the Canadian dollar, the African dollar (limited edition of $1,000 that are held in a secret bank account in Switzerland), and the Australian dollar. These are not widely used outside of their respective territories, although soon enough they will be worth more, its just that US money is easier to replicate. In Japan, the dollars are much smaller and infused with high-resolution LCD display screens. Zimbabwe used to have something resembling a dollar, although it is now used by the locals for kindling fire because it is worth less than twigs, straw, human hair, matches, or anything else in the known universe, with the sole and notable exception of the Zimbabwean penny.
The Dollar sign[edit | edit source]
The internationally recognized symbol for a dollar is $. Originally it was just S, but a line had to be drawn somewhere. In recent times the dollar sign has, somewhat ironically, been used as an ostentatious display of wealth, especially amongst rappers such as 50 Cent. As the value of the dollar decreases further, rappers such as 46 Cent have taken to displaying bigger dollar signs in an attempt to compensate; and in March 2007, 38 Cent developed severe back problems after being forced to carry around his enormously-engorged dollar sign. 33 Cent was admitted to a somewhat disreputable chiropractor and the process of recovery was described by 3 Thin Dimes as "back-breaking". Uncannily, Shave and a Haircut is just fine now.
See also[edit | edit source]
- Dollar (coin) – the arch-nemesis of the dollar bill
- Dollar Tree – the tree where all dollars grow
