Q

“The only moral it is possible to draw from this story is that one should never throw the letter Q into a privet bush.”

~ Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy on Q

News: Q is no longer the first letter of the keyboard.

Q is the most nonsensical letter of the English language. It serves as comic relief in the stage performances of duo Q&A. Q is the letter that first defeated Mothra and used the giant's samurai honor to make it attack our big scaly friend in Tokyo. Its shape and sound are embarrassing at best and patently obscene at worst. One who is cursed with a given name beginning with this vile pernicious letter is often justifiably ridiculed for life. Quentin Tarantino, for instance, was ridiculed so badly at Kindergarten that he took to directing as an escape. However, if your name happens to consist entirely of the letter Q, you will almost certainly become an omnipotent and omniscient being who is destined for great things, such as wandering around bothering bald starship captains, or handing out cool secret agent gadgets that are then destroyed or argue with the Continuum over the qualities of Qness.

Q is so rare, it only appears once in every 1000 letters in meaningful English and is considered a waste of space on the keyboard. However, in random letter sequences it is as common as E. It is extremely useful in scoring lots of points in Scrabble. For more information, see nonsense letters.

Q is also an image of when the letter 'I' beats his wife 'O'. This can be shown as I stabbing O.

Q, who enjoys taunting Mark Gottlieb and starship captains.

Fortunately, Q is almost always buffered from contact with other letters by U, a little-used vowel of ill repute. This is a sure sign that the letter Q is a useless, co-dependent letter that is utterly incapable of doing anything on its own.

The extremely rare "naked Q" (that is, without its protective U) is the ultimate lexigraphical abomination, and is for the most part limited to foreign pagan languages, and names of weird unchristian countries, like Qatar which no Godfearing red-blooded patriotic American would be caught dead in.

Q is thought, by some people, to be a deformed relative of O. Others believe, for obvious reasons, that O is female and Q is male. Most people, however, believe that these people are either idiots or Time Lords, and should be burned at the stake while being forced to eat their own guts.

Q is the reason for the Bush Administration entering Iraq, as it is the connection between Iraq and Al Qaeda.

Q is a chicken.

The Roots of the letter Q

Q during his 1000 year stint as a bejeweled raincatcher.

The letter q is not native to English. It was derived from the initial letter of قرنبيط, the Arabic word for "cauliflower", which just gives us one more reason to hate this letter. The origin of Arabic ق is less clear; Orthographia Dementia says it is an e with umlaut (e because Arabic is flipped horizontally, right?), while the Handbook for Weird Letter-forms argues that the letter predates the umlaut, and that it descends from an ideogram representing a monkey hanging from a tree branch with its tail.

Mathematic Usage

Q represents the answer in Barton's Rock Mass Stability Method (used in the 70s by tour managers to calculate how stable a rock concert audience is), and performed thusly:

$Q={\frac {RQD}{Jn}}*{\frac {Jr}{Ja}}*{\frac {Jw}{SRF}}$ Values assigned thusly:

• RQD (Roofies-Quaaludes-Dope): how cracked up the band is
• Jn (Joint number): number of joints consumed by audience
• Jr (Joint rawnes): rawness of joints (green)
• Ja (Join accessories): amount of food consumed by audience
• Jw (Joint wine): amount of alcohol consumed by audience
• SRF (Stress on Roadie Factor): stress level of roadies, bouncers, and security
• Π (not in the formula, but it is a funny number)

Based on the value of Q, tour managers would usually follow a set list of procedures:

• 0-20: Shoot up, give the band some coke, finish show.
• 21-40: Finish show as normal.
• 41-60: Play 3 more encores, and then end show.
• 61-80: Play "Freebird" and then end show.
• 81-100: Play "Happy Trails" and then end show.
• 101-150: Get the band off stage, drive away swiftly.
• 151-200: Get the lead singer off stage, board helicopter, escape.
• 201-300: Fuck the band, get yourself on the chopper.
• 301-500: Say your prayers, wait to die.
• 501-9000: PARTY!
• Over 9000: Implode.

Symbolism

Q is the international symbol for the pussy hand gesture. Make a ring out of the index finger and thumb of the right hand, poke through that ring with the index finger of the left hand, mouth the phrase "fuck me" to your girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband/brother/sister/doctor/priest/goat/octopus/meaty paws/grandmother.

Recipe

There are simple recipies for a fine tasting Q or the non alcaholic kid-safe "q" 1.A simple letter l. If no l is availible, use an I, 1,/ or \.(use slash for kid safe) Now 2."git un' uh dem cir"Q"lar thingies" An O (0 or o can also be used) First cut your 1st ingredient in half. And stab it through your "cirQlar thingy" but it in a bottle and chose: Shaken or stirred, or baked into a piecake eggpie. Note: must be served in a "Qtini glass"

Uses of the Letter "Q"

• Q
• Q=/=K
• QOMG
• BBQ
• OMGWTFBBQ
• Qcumber
• Arabiq language
• Q card
• Rubik's Qbe
• CalQlator
• Q ball
• Stage Q
• Q-tip
• Waiting in the Q
• Q-Ball
• Qticle
• Qbicle
• Quack (duck)
• Qboonnnyuu (bunny)
• Far Q
• I'll Q you
• QBert
• Fuck Q
• Z4QQQ(the batman symbol)
• Q-sort test
• Q stick
• i love standing in Qs
• TesticQ
• IYQ
• Qwilfish
• QinetiQ
• That guy from James Bond
• For Q
• and Qtard
• It help you get a skip in Impossible Quiz 2
• Q are you?
• Q you, dumbass!
• Qpid
• DejaQ
• Quazzle

• Was that my Q?

The Q Wars

Recently had been under heavy fire by the villanous R Empire. They, of course, have the upper hand, since they own the territory of U_Topia. The reason for the war? X. EVERYONE loves X. R got SO jealous of Qs relationship with X, they started a war. Some say that Y and Z are close with X, and have been known to form a kick-ass dragon in the popular show Yu-Gi-Oh (You-Gay-Whore).

Alternate Universes starting with letter Q

There are several popular alternate universes that begin with the letter Q, such as Q-547 which is the universe which many comic book writers use to escape the fallacy known as "continuity" and the little known Q-36, which is strangely the only alternate universe in which Wikipedia is actually 100% accurate, the closest any other alternate universe has come to this was N-59 in which all of Wikipedia is accurate except for a small nonsensical entry on string cheese, thus invalidating the entire database.

Q as a name

It is well known that the world's second greatest conman used the alias Q in order to trick Patrick Stewart into getting thoroughly irritated. Since then there have been many imitators who try to emulate the original Q's annoying antics. These have included such thoroughly irritating people such as (but not by any means limited to) the following:

• Q
• John Petrucci
• Dave Grohl
• Napoleon Bonaparte
• Matt Groening
• Satan
• Discord from My Little Pony

It should be noted that well spread rumors state that Patrick Stewart is sent into a frenzied rage when he makes any sort of contact with any of the previously named persons ever since the last episode of Star Trek ended. It is also rumored this frenzied rage was what actually caused the explosions in Hiroshima and Nagasaki at the end of the Second World War. People who have less of a moronic quality to their personality realise that that is a stupid idea and Patrick Stewart is a perfectly patient individual who can easily stand the irritation of the previously named persons if he can withstand the far more intense irritation caused by rabid Star Trek fans.

See also

• Iraq
• Qatar
• Quad Damage
• Quake

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Shows & Movies	Enterprise ~ The Original Series ~ The Next Generation ~ Deep Space Nine ~ Voyager ~ Online ~ III: The Search for Spock ~ The British Version
Captains	Jonathan Archer ~ James T. Kirk ~ Kathryn Janeway ~ Jean-Luc Picard ~ William Riker ~ Benjamin Sisko ~ Hikaru Sulu
People	Borg Queen ~ Data ~ Gul Dukat ~ Elim Garak ~ KHAAAAAN! ~ Mary Sue ~ Dr. Leonard McCoy ~ Kira Nerys ~ Red Shirts ~ Scotty ~ Seven of Nine ~ Spock ~ Deanna Troi ~ Tuvok ~ Weyoun
Species	Borg ~ Breen ~ Ferengi ~ Humans ~ Klingon ~ Q ~ Trekkies ~ Tribbles ~ Vulcan
Other Stuff	Captain's log ~ Data Protection Act ~ Gul Dukat Takes Miami ~ HowTo:Cook A Tribble ~ HowTo:Construct a Federation Starship ~ Kobayashi Maru ~ Lesser Known Technical Effects of Star Trek ~ Most overused 100 Star Trek episode plots ~ Prime Directive ~ Star Trek: Series Guide ~ UnNews:Basement dwellers less burdensome on parents as Star Trek Online goes free ~ UnNews:Politician seeks Klingon Votes ~ UnNews:Starfleet Academy graduate looking forward to tour of duty ~ United Federation of Planets ~ UnPoetia:Walking in a Klingon Wonderland