From today's featured article
In the latest bout of antigerrymandering hysteria, the United States Supreme Court this morning narrowly ruled (by 7 to 1, with 1 missing in action) that the Mississippi River, which forms parts of the excessively twisted borders between as many as ten (10) states of the Union, is in flagrant violation of some unspecified sentence fragment of the Constitution and must be re-channelled into a perfectly straight line running directly from north (Lake of the Woods, Minnesota) to south (New Orleans, Louisiana) by the end of the year. The Mississippi River, originally constructed by primitive Mississippian Native-American Indians during the Mississippian Period approximately 350 million years ago, served simultaneously as the rapid transit service, sewage system, and fresh water supply of the fledgling North American continent. Ever since, the ravages of periodic economic downturns and the occasional ice age have taken their toll on the river's exceedingly fragile geometry. (Full article...)
In the news
- Weird Al Removes R. Kelly parody from streaming (Pictured)
- Editorial note: Fakelogo template
- Sesame Street finally realizes it's on HBO
- Beto O'Rourke puts finishing touches on 2020 Presidential concession speech
- Roman Catholic Church canonizes Frosty the Snowman as a divine being
- Studies show clinical depression at an all-time low
- Trump news roundup: Plea deals, felonies, and a little girl dies in Border Patrol
- Santa Claus now "probably about a four" on the Kinsey scale
- Whirlpool Galaxy files restraining order against Neil deGrasse Tyson
- Jeff Bezos caught stuffing old fat dude into his trunk
- Trump releases abhorrent holiday stimulus package
- George H.W. Bush dies: Best and worst of his life
- Murphy Brown revival not cancelled, (Dan Quayle joke withheld in light of recent events)
Did you know
- ... that former Australian prime minister John Howard once spent over 48 hours in session with his cabinet? (Pictured)
- ... that the A-bombs dropped on Japan were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?
- ... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
- ... that Cup Stacking is a real sport? No, really.
- ... that Alaska's principle exports include snow, ice, frozen water, and permafrost?
- ... that individuals born under the sign of Gemini are often flammable and vulnerable to bear attacks?
- ... that the great Wall Street Crash of 1929 led to many opportunities for great photography of homeless people and farmers covered in dust the following years?
- ... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?
On this day
- 1778 - James Cook discovers the islands of Hawaii, names them the "Sandwich Islands": Cook is later killed by Natives after he declares the Taco to be a folded sandwich.
- 1886 - Field hockey is invented by hyper-insecure men who feel that gliding on ice is like, "totally gay."
- 1919 - During the Paris Peace Conference, the French Army give themselves the "Winner-est Winners" award, for having won the most in the conflict they have won.
- 1943 - The Polish city of Kraków is liberated by the Red Army, the Poles are surprisingly ungrateful for some reason.
- 1990 - Digital Underground's becomes the No.1 song in America, listeners kill themselves in droves, having heard the voice of God.
- 2013 - To curb certain "unfounded" stereotypes of French people, France invades Northern Mali: troops immediately go on strike due to lack of hazard pay.
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