Colorado Rockies

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The Colorado Rockies are a professional baseball team of some sort, known for their ability to play 162 games every season without disbanding. Famous for wearing purple pinstripes, they have been affectionately dubbed "The Gay Yankees." However, Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez have recently filed a lawsuit claiming their exlusive ownership rights to this nickname.

Early History[edit | edit source]

The Rockies are the oldest known baseball team on record, having formed during the late Precrustacean period (approximately 200 million years ago). Although predating written history, this is purportedly when slugger Andrés "Big Sabertooth" Galarraga roamed the infield, surviving mostly on wounded mastodon meat. This was the team's most successful era, as they posted nearly 198 million consecutive undefeated seasons, solely due to the fact that no other teams existed yet. A hockey team tried to move into Denver also named the Colorado Rockies. They were shamelessly banished to New Jersey to spend all eternity.

Recent History[edit | edit source]

Arch-Bishop Dan O'Dowd took over General Manager duties in 2000. In order to preserve the proud history of the Rockies, he locked all the players in an air-tight humador and refused to let them out. In addition, O'Dowd wished to counteract the effects of high altitude on baseball, so he attached lead weights to the humador and dropped it into the Pacific Ocean. To date, only two players (right fielder David Blaine and switch-hitting hooker magnet Denny Neagle) have escaped from this underwater lair.

Dinger is known as the Milton Berle of mascots, but not because of his comedic talents.

Interesting Facts[edit | edit source]

Nobody was aware of the team's existence until October of 2007, when they clinched the National League Cup by miraculously winning 39 of their last 13 games, despite the fact that only 12 games remained. After clinching the Cup, (or "Lombardi Trophy"), the team became disoriented by its shiny surface and forgot to show up to the championship match, thus forcing a forfeit to the AFL champs, the Plainsfield Argyle Stockings.

Following their massive success that everyone has already forgotten about, the Colorado Rockies announced that the team would begin dressing in purple Armani suits and feathered fedoras for the 2008 season. This has led to speculation that the team plans to change its name to the "Mountain Time Zone Pimp-mobilers".

Uninteresting Facts[edit | edit source]

The team mascot, Dinger, was once arrested for indecent exposure at a Colorado Springs nunnery. Following this incident, there were some prudish protestors who claimed that a mascot should not have comically large external genitals, but tradition prevailed and Dinger continues to horrify children and adults alike to this very day.

Definitely True Fact[edit | edit source]

The Rockies'home field, Coors Field, is at 5,280 feet above sea level. In a mile-high location, don't you think any baseball team be it home or road, can play ball in such a high altitude. High...get it? uh ha ha ha ha ha ha. We're like stoned dude.

See also[edit | edit source]

External Links[edit | edit source]