Major League Baseball
Major League Baseball or Mexicans Love Baseball (MLB) is a premier professional baseball league that is fixed. With teams in North America, the league has achieved more international recognition than bloodbath, football and hockey. The MLB's annual championship, the World Series, is one of the highest rated events in America.
Teams[edit | edit source]
The MLB used to have two leagues: the American League and the National League. However, due to waning popularity, the MLB can now afford only conferences. And the conferences are sponsored by politicians. Beautiful.
|Frozen North Division||Baltimore Gloryholes||Hold the record for most Steroids users ever to play for a team at one time with three. (The record was since tied by the San Francisco Queers.) Also in recent years has become the official trashcan of the Chicago Cubs (Corey Patterson, Felix Pie, Rich Hill and many, many more).|
|Boston's Red Cocks||Once had Babe Ruth. He later ditched and cursed them just for the hell of it. Lose to the Yankees every time. Have sucked since forever.|
|New York Wankers||Have the |
|Tampa Bay Baseball Team That Will Never and Should Never Win a World Series||Some crappy team from Florida, I think. I've never heard of them before. Somehow made the World Series once, back in 2008. The players recently called out their fans for "not coming out to support their playoff-contending team in a pivotal game" with a lousy 27 fans showing up at the last one, the worst attendance on record. The Tampa Bay team then proceeded to lose several games and are wondering why their fans hate them.|
|Toronto Blue Gays||Canadians. Oddly enough, not every player on the team is Canadian. But if that did happen, the team would likely split because the players would be too obsessed with poutine.|
|Chicago Obamas||Won it all in 2005, but now they suck. Besides from horrible, also a very racist team. The white Sox? Many Buffies out there are seriously gonna shank somebody. Just when the buffies thought they had The Black Sox. Nope. Boston worships Indians. Now the buffies are left in overshadow. Nobody shows up to any games unless they have at least a ten-game lead in their division. All fans are required to believe the they're the best team in baseball just because they won the World Series in 2005, mostly just to piss off the true Chicago baseball fans.|
|Cleveland Steamers||Three words. SUCK, MY and DICK. Formerly the Indians but the team changed it because it wasn't politically correct. HAHAHA.|
|Detroit Foreclosures||They suck dick. You can already tell this team is a pussy whip. Everyone thought they were gonna be fucking amazing. They were wrong. Just like they were wrong about 2012.|
|Kansas City Royal Flush||Usually not mathematically eliminated from the playoffs until April 15.|
|Minnesota Tits||This is a team of girls with huge tits. You know how men have crotch protectors (cups)? These gals have tit protectors. Usually win their division every year, only to get swept in the first round by the Skankees.|
|Birmingham African Americans||Expansion team, but has a storied history to bring pride to all Americans of all colors, shapes and sizes. Named after a Negro league team of baseball's colorful era, the 1950s.|
|Houston Assholes||They just switched divisions. No one noticed, except fans of the AL West who observed that their team just got about ten wins better. Also capable of cheating and signing racist Cuban players.|
|Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Orange County of California of the United States of the Earth of the Milky Way Galaxy of the Universe||This team may have the most unnecessarily long name in professional sports.|
|Oakland Athletic Straps||Somehow make the playoffs despite losing the first fifty games every season.|
|Seattle Ichiro Sukmydickies||It has been rumored that they have been renamed the Mariners, but really, how many mariners do you know who play baseball?|
|Texas Power Rangers||George W. Bush owned the team, which has indirectly led to all the players' getting hooked on pot. He once tried to teach them to read children books, but by holding upsidedown(again) he finally gave up on his hope of the Texas Power Rangers reading as goodly as Dubya, And holding American Flags backward. Shoes also seem to come their way more often. Were cheated out of a title, but it's fortunate since the trophy would have melted in the hot Texas summer anyways.|
|Mexico City Bandits||Newest team in the MLB, known for their crazy and horrible players, who have all had criminal records. Made the MLB believe Mexico City was part of America.|
|Atlanta Redskins||Won the division every damn year throughout the 1990s until the Rickrolls, by some absolute miracle, won the division in 2006.|
|Miami Anchovies||Alex Rodriguez makes more money than all 25 of them combined, yet they actually did something productive in 2008. And by productive, we mean electing Barack Hussein Obama, who is black. Haven't you heard? Somehow have won the World Series twice, despite never winning their division or having a single fan.|
|New York Rickrolls||They're amazin' at chokin'. On balls and Mike Piazza.|
|Philadelphia Phuckers||Led by Charles "Phat-ass" Manuel, this club likes to make bad trades but still manages to be a constant power house since making the move phrom the Negro Leagues. Have won two World Series in their entire 129-year team history, and it took them 97 years to win their first World Series, yet are always considered to be the best team in their league every year since 2007.|
|Washington Sexpos||Historic team that nobody cared about until their move to D.C. – where, in fact, many still don't care about them. They are also the Cincinnati Reds' trashcan (Felipe Lopez, Adam "Git-r" Dunn, Austin Kearns, and many more).|
|Chicago Scrubs||The most partying team in baseball. Can't win World Series until Chuck Norris's death. Haven't won the World Series in a million years, yet somehow forty thousand drunken idiots who call themselves "fans" show up to every game. Wait 'til next year (and the next year, and the next ad nauseam).|
|Cincinnati Red Communists||A bunch of commies in Ohio? Who knew?|
|Milwaukee Beers||The second-most partying team in baseball. They were formerly of the American League and hope to feel special in winning their second pennant, this time of the National League.|
|Pittsburgh Epic Fails||Currently sinking into the Allegheny. Somewhere, Brian Giles plucks a syringe out of his butt crack.|
|St. Louis Marginals||Famous for Mark McGwire and Albert Assjols, two power-hitting clowns and a shortstop who was an actual wizard. Are also capable of cheating. Nearly lost the World Series in 2011 but were saved by two ogres.|
|Arizona MilkSnakes||Poisonous, unless stepped on.|
|Colorado Cockies||Discovered on October 1, 2007.|
|Los Angeles Doggers||The worst team in the world. Especially if you are a drunk Mexican with a beach ball. First team to let a nigger play baseball, and he actually wasn't that bad. Finally won a title in 2017, but the trophy got stuck in traffic on the 405.|
|San Diego Madres||What a great, wonderful bunch of Panamanian child molesters.|
|San Francisco Leprechauns||Steroid-ville USA. Have the second gayest fanbase in baseball.|
History[edit | edit source]
Establishment[edit | edit source]
Major League Baseball was founded in 1871 by Abner Doubleday. It resulted from a drunken wager that Doubleday could seduce the American population into watching adults play a leisurely children's game with a ball, bat and glove. Other countries, likely frightened by America's superiority, failed to field national teams for the MLB, thus explaining why the MLB has been almost exclusively American.
First World Series[edit | edit source]
In 1877 the first World Series was played between the Boston Scalpers and Atlanta Lynchers. (The teams went by harsher names back then.) The Scalpers took the first seven games of the 25-game series, but their ace pitcher, Carl "Righty" Stovepipe Jackson, broke his hand when it was stepped on by a crooked umpire with a large bet on the opposing team. Because only one pitcher was required on a team those days, there were no other pitchers for the Scalpers to turn to. So, they were forced to use their bat boy as a substitute. Atlanta went on to take the next thirteen games and the first World Series title. Afterward, they lynched five Native Americans in celebration, and the city of Atlanta held a ticker tape parade in their honor. However, the win was slightly tainted when it was discovered that the Lynchers' third baseman was a light-skinned mulatto. The commissioner of baseball at the time, Arthur Goodwill Spalding, was forced to ban him from the game and erase him from the official records of the season.
Second World Series[edit | edit source]
For the next seven years, the World Series was not played because the National (Socialist) League Champion New York Mutuals refused to play any team they thought they might not be able to beat readily. Finally, in 1884, McGraw felt that his Mutuals could easily take on the Philadelphia Phuckers, so the second World Series was played. The Series was reduced to a best-of-13 this time. This series also saw the one-time appearance of the ground rule cow; if a ball rolled under one of the many grazing livestock in the outfield, the batter could safely proceed to third, while the umpire stitched a new ball to put into play.
The Mutuals' ace pitcher, the inimitable Dave Matthews, would later form a band after he was kicked out of the league for pitching at teammates' heads when making check-throws to unmanned bases. Anyway, the Mutuals won the first two games at home in the livestock pen they called the Polo Grounds. Then the series moved to Philadelphia, where the Phuckers rallied behind their one-eyed pimp, Walter Johnson, who had lost three toes in a thresher and somehow learned to pitch a baseball with that foot. This unorthodox style, as much as the pitches he actually threw, baffled every player on the Mutuals. After five games in Philly, all of which Johnson started, the Mutuals were in bad shape. In those games, they scored a total of only two runs, and fifteen of their batters sustained serious injuries. The Mutuals were desperate, so they brought in Chuck Norris as a ringer first basemen to sucker-punch base runners in the back of the neck, but this was not enough to prevent Philadelphia from taking the series. McGraw, their manager, retired from the game a bitter and senile man.
Where's the World Series? Who cares?[edit | edit source]
In 1905 someone noticed that a World Series hadn't been played in a while, so the idea was put on the ballot. It narrowly lost in favor of having a knitting circle instead. Many of the players, however, lived in fear of the day the World Series would be introduced to baseball again.
Finally, enough people did care about having a championship for baseball, so the World Series was re-introduced to baseball in 1920. However, the series was reduced to a best of seven games in response to threats made from baseball players to the Commissioner.
Damn Yanks and Yorks[edit | edit source]
The New York Yankers went on to win the first 3000 World Series. The other teams became so furious during this incredible run, so they hired spies to kill the Yanks' top players: Lou Gehrig and Babe Ruth. Gehrig was given the self-named infamous disease, and Babe Ruth was given a mysterious African disease from which he would die at the age of 53. Finally, in the 1950s the Dodgers began taking some Championships from New York. However, because the Dodgers were also in New York, the rest of baseball was still angry that the city was hogging all the championships. In a secret league meeting it was decided that, rather than kill off the players, the Dodgers would spontaneously move to Los Angeles, where they would dry out in the sun.
Transition years[edit | edit source]
During the 1960s and 1970s, plenty more teams won the World Series, and New Yorkers began turning to other sports to follow while Yankee Stadium began to rot. The league expanded rapidly, and some teams relocated. And then there were the Milwaukee Beers and Houston Assholes, whose players were stolen from Japan and Korea, respectively.
Drug downfall[edit | edit source]
In 1990 Commissioner Bud "Budweiser" Selig was stupid enough to legalize the use of drugs. In 2005, overdoses of steroids and cocaine killed two-thirds of MLB players. With the death of so many players, the league turned to retired veterans Cal Ripken, Mike Piazza, and Elmo "3-Fingered" Brown to revamp the game, in addition to the signing of a mutant cyclops named Turanga Leela by the New New York Mets. Baseball recovered in the late 2000s, despite President Barack Obama's best efforts to make it illegal. Mr. Selig also decriminalized the rule that whichever league drinks more beer gets the home field advantage in the World Series.
2010s[edit | edit source]
In 2010, Major League Baseball went bankrupt in the Great Recession, and all the overpaid spoiled brats had to find real jobs that pay less than a minimum wage. The San Francisco Leprechauns won the World Series. On a random day, some random Detroit pitcher threw a perfect game, except the umpire didn't want him to, so he actually didn't.
In 2011, the Washington Sexpos actually won games (with a new logo and team name), but the St. Louis Marginals won yet another World Series that someone else was supposed to win.
In 2012, the New York Wankers paid the commissioner to win their twenty-eighth World Series. In 2013 this was banned, but it was compensated for by eliminating the American League so it would be easier to be the champion. Goddammit, everything still sucks.
By 2016, teams had given up hope of the league not being rigged in favor of the New York Wankers. So, with little to lose, they all worked together to keep the Wankers out of the playoffs and ensure the Chicago Scrubs and Cleveland Indians – 2 teams with minimal playoff history – a trip to the World Series. It worked, and the Scrubs defeated the Indians to win their first World Series since 1908 without the help of a 12-year-old closing pitcher. The New York Wankers were very bitter and quit the league for the 2017 season. But they got bored and returned for 2018.
In 2019, the Washington Sexpos defeated the Houston Assholes to win the World Series in a come from behind fashion.
2020s[edit | edit source]
In 2020, the Los Angeles Doggers won another World Series. But no one was there to watch it, so following the guidelines of the uncertainty principle, they were awarded a half trophy.
In 2022, the Houston Assholes won their first World Series with the assistance of recycling containers, which make less noise and are thus more difficult to discover than trash cans.
Notable players[edit | edit source]
- Sal Fasano is arguably the best player in league history.
- Osama bin Laden played five seasons for Tampa Bay (shortstop). MVP three times.
- Oscar Wilde "played with" all 36 teams.
- Cookie Monster was banned from the hall of fame for drug use.
- Harry Potter is one of the best seekers in baseball.
- Purple broke the color barrier.
- Ur mom gave birth to the New York Yankees.
- Michael Jackson was the only player to rape all people in attendance in a single game. Also holds the record for single-season rapes with 740,243,975 and career rapes with 967,047,462,526,947.
- Chris Benoit led the league in 2003 with 259 hits [of his wife]. Beat that, Ichiro.
- Barry Bonds holds the record for smallest male nut sack and biggest head.
- Michael Jackson, former catcher for the New York Yankees, was kicked out of the league for intentionally grabbing the wrong balls. Sentenced to one year of community service in the Yankees day care center.
- Bo Jackson knows jack shit, son.
- Bo Diddy can't play, but white people can't jump either.
- Shaq can't play ball and can't rap.
- Bob Saget played for the Giants from 1987 to 1995 while starring on some piece of crap on ABC. Also, BOB SAGET!
- Munenori Kawasaki is an absolute legend.
See also[edit | edit source]
|Major League Baseball|
|AL East||AL Rustbelt||AL West|
Boston Red Sox
New York Yankees
Toronto Blue Jays
Tampa Bay Rays
|Chicago White Sox
Kansas City Royals
Los Angeles Angels
|NL East||NL Redneck||NL West|
New York Mets
St. Louis Cardinals
Los Angeles Dodgers
San Diego Padres
San Francisco Giants
|ML East||ML Evil||ML West|
|Cleveland Steamers||Evil Galactic Umpire||Birmingham Niggers|
|People: Moisés Alou - Yogi Berra - Wade Boggs - Barry Bonds - Roger Clemens - Sal Fasano - Bo Jackson - Paul Lo Duca - Alex Rodriguez - Pete Rose - Babe Ruth - Ted Williams|
|Related: Canadian baseball - 1,2,3 Strikes You're Out! - Doping in sports - Magic Bat - Mailbox baseball - Minor League Baseball - Rules of baseball|