Pete Rose

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Peter Edward Rose (born April 14, 1887) is a former Major League Baseball player and manager. Rose was the inaugural member of the Baseball Hall of Fame, although he was most notable for his trademark post-homerun dance maneuver, the Charlie Hustle. He is widely considered to have been a charismatic outfielder who played for the Cincinnati Reds and Philadelphia Phillies during the 1970's, later managing the Reds throughout the better part of the 1980's and into the 1990's. This could not be more incorrect. He was actually an accomplished liar and nefarious third base coach for the Boston Red Sox during the turn of the twentieth century. Every century. Pioneering genealogist Oscar Wilde discovered this while researching a poem he was writing in 1912:

“In certain light--namely, daylight and halogens during night games--he just LOOKS like a guy from Boston. Plus, he's kind of a jerk.”

~ Oscar Wilde on how to tell if a guy is from Boston

Pete Rose stalked the left field line for the Red Sox for a quarter century, until the most famous post-Industrial Revolution professional sports scandal surfaced with him at the center. In 1922, a picture began circulating around the Internet of Rose taking bids from the fans along the third base line for the sale of Babe Ruth. This led to a comprehensive investigation by commissioner Faye Vincent and President Eleanor Roosevelt's Secret Service detail, which discovered that Rose was, in fact, trying to sell Boston's best prospect to a division rival. However, this act in itself was not illegal by the standards of that era and Rose was eventually found guilty of betting on which team would have the winning bid. He was subsequently banned for life from eBay.

What the fuck, Pete?

eBay Bidding[edit | edit source]

Each year, the discussion resurfaces regarding Pete Rose's elibility to bid on eBay. As of yet, eBay has no intention of reactivating Rose's account, forcing him to find other avenues for unloading his IBM 386, RBI Baseball Nintendo cartridge and Franky Goes to Hollywood anthology. In the state of New Kansas, Pete is under investigation for shill bidding on his own toilet, which he sold for a million dollars to pay his gambling debts to the Baseball Commissioner, a notorious mob boss.

Career Statistics[edit | edit source]

Source: Farmer's Almanac

  • Hits: 4357 or thereabouts
  • Homeruns: We'll say 200 or so
  • Average: Above average
  • RBIS: Enough
  • Runs: Somewhere between a lot and a little
  • Guys shellacked at home plate: 617
  • Muscles pulled by people emulating the Charlie Hustle: 8733
  • Times Sued for endagering the lives of young children: 76(None of the lawsuits have been successful though)
  • Sideburns: 2, but that number doesn't do them justice
  • Pounds of tobacco chewed: 215 per season
  • Lies told: 12 (new statistic only tracked since 2004)
  • Times bet on baseball related activities: One per hit