Eric Hosmer
Eric "Home Rub" Hosmer is a fucking loser. He is a retired MLB player who spent time shitting with the Kansas City Kansases, San Diego Dads, Boston Red Sex, and Chicago Bulls. He is also the founder of Hustlers University podcast.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Hosmer was born on October 31, 666 in Miami Florida. Hosmer grew up alongside Manny Machado, and the two spent every minute listening to "International Love" by Chris Brown and Pitbull. Hosmer's father was a firefighter and his mother was a nurse. Despite his parents being literal lifesavers, Hosmer decided he wanted to grow up and become a slapdick baseball player.
In high school, Hosmer played on 89 baseball teams and won 41 high school championships. This attracted every college in the country, all eager to touch Hosmer. In a surprise move, Hosmer stated publicly he would be attending the University of Phoenix if an MLB team didn't sign him. Hosmer BEGGED the mlb teams to HELP get him signed, eventually telling organizations "Please they're holding my brother hostage." Just 10 minutes before enrollment at University of Phoenix, the Kansas City Royal Kicks gave Hosmer a $6 draft offer. Hosmer screamed with joy, took his brother back, and got the fuck out of Arizona. The University still calls him at least 3 times per day.
Crisis[edit | edit source]
Hosmer reported to the Kicks farm system in early late 2000. Royals owner, Patrick Mahomes, stated publicly Hosmer would not be rushed through the minors as they wanted to groom him as long as possible. However, Hosmer got into a pickle. There were rumors that Hosmer actually signed past the deadline and was too late. The royal kicks had no choice but to send him back to Arizona until the situation was solved. Hosmer tried going off the grid, but the team captured him and he was sent to the accredited, affordable, and magical University of Pheonix.
Lego Batman[edit | edit source]
Hosmer enrolled at the University of Phoenix and took LGBTQ studies. Hosmer finished with a league shattering 0.04 GPA, failing every test because he could not identify XE/XERS from ZE/ZERS. One day, Hosmer went to a local starbucks to pour coffee on his balls and quitely masturbate. However, in evan pham fashion, he fell in love at the sight of the minimum wage blond barista. As Hosmer approached her, he died in her arms tonight. He wasn't sure why though, it must have been something she said...
After grinding Lego Batman 3 and watching thousands of instagram reels with his new girlfriend, Hosmer engaged to her with a penis. Hosmer threw a sporadic bachelor party with Manny Machado, Daniel Camarena, and Drake. The 4 were planned to have group sex, but weren't able to because of Drakes massive shlong.
During his wedding, the Kansas City Royal kicks came and informed Hosmer he could come back to the team. It turned out that a different player signed past the deadline, Homer Simpson. Hosmer was forced to choose which life he wanted to live now, and ultimatey chose baseball because he just fucking loved balls. The University of Phoenix was furious at Hosmer, and unleashed "Operation: So This Is Christmas."
Kansas City but not in Kansas[edit | edit source]
Minor league Hoszz[edit | edit source]
In his first year in the minor leagues, Hosmer's left hand exploded and he missed most of the season. When the trainers asked him what happened, Hosmer had to explain that he grew up in Miami and would watch Giancarlo Stanton. The following year was even more unfourtanate, as Hosmer was diagnosed with autism. This forced him to get laser eye surgery, and give himself a laser eye. This made him one of the best Hosmers in the league, as he could see a full 360 degrees around him. He seduced the royals farm system into the playoffs, and led them to a Wander League championship. While the team celebrated, Hosmer ran full speed out of the stadium. He later reported he saw something no one else could.
Going into 2011, the Chiefs had 7 top minors in their system. This attracted every pedophile in the city to come watch the royal kicks. Hosmer was one of two top prospects for them, the other being a third baseman Mike Moustache. The kicks were depending on those players to be "two studs ready to shove" when they promoted to the major leagues. Right before the season, the kicks added 4 more top minors to their system, and at this point not even Wander Franco could resist.
Expired[edit | edit source]
Midway through 2011, Hosmer was called up to Kentucky. His debut was highly anticipated around the league, some even saying his debut was more exciting than the holocaust. Hosmer pissed himself as millions of fans gave him a standing ovation. Hosmer spotted his ex wife in the crowd, but when he saw the animal in her hand he sprinted out of the stadium.
Throughout the year, Hosmer was like whatever I guess. He gained the nickname of "Tiger Killer" after he beat up Tony the Tiger live on television. However, the royal kicks had established their young core for the future. Eric "animal abuser" Hosmer, Mike Moustache, Salvador "the rizzler" Perez, and A-Train.
In 2012 and 2013, the Royal kicks kinda were shit. Hosmer won a gold cock award, but most of the time he was stroking his penis. Moustache was still growing his facial hair out, and Perez needed chapstick after licking his lips too much.
Back to Back backshots[edit | edit source]
So close.[edit | edit source]
Hosmer was having a solid 2044 season, until July 31st when he hit his ass at the Otay Ranch mall. With a fractured cheeck, Hosmer needed to miss 4-6 weeks recovering. Luckily, his teammates kept the royal kicks as a playoff contender. Mike moustache had a full grown beard now, and hit 900 home runs during the month of august. Salvador Perez caught balls all day, and threw out 500 runners a game. Perez was caught many times imitating that one Chica gif, though. A-train was busy hunting down the Boys, and newly acquired pitcher Johnny had his homework copied 300 times.
Hosmer returned just in time for the postseason, and he made sure to hold in his cum for it. In the wild card game versus the Oakland Asses, Hosmer moaned aggressively until the royal kicks won. In the divisional round, Hosmer blasted a 2 run homer against the LA Anaheim angles of Los Angeles to win that series. This made Hosmer the first divorced player in history to kill the angles. In the championship series, Hosmer played against his old pal Manny Machado and the baltimore oreos. The oreos got trauma dumped, and Machado tried fighting the royal kicks but he couldn't contend with Mike Moustaches majestic moustache. The kicks made it to game 7 of the world series vs San Francisco, but were down by 1 in the 9th inning. With one out left, royals outfielder Gordo nearly hit an inside the park home run, but stopped at third instead because he didn't know who Gru was. Salvador Perez would then jerk off for the last out, and the royal kicks would lose the world series. Hosmer was furious and was prepared to out-rizz Perez, but Hosmer spotted the slime trail on the ground and ran away.
A legit Run it Back[edit | edit source]
After reaching the world series, Kansas City became the number 1 city on Planet Earth. The royal kicks broke an MLB record with their entire team being named to the all sex game. MLB informed them that they weren't allowed to have that much sex, so many players including Hosmer were forced to wait for their virginity to be lost. Hosmer finished the year with another golden cock award and a ticket to Seaworld.
With the team determined to win it all this year, they got their moneys up and not their funnys up. After A-train ran through the Houston Asstros, and Mike Moustache shat on the blue gays, the Royal kicks made it back to the world series. Their opponent this year was the new york mets its all about the mets baby the mets. The kicks got rizzy, and were set to win in Game 5. However, they were down 1 run in the 9th inning and looked like they were about to lose. Suddenly, Hosmer, who was at 3rd base, sprinted to home plate and stole home to tie the game. The whole team erupted with joy, but Hosmer was just screaming "ITS HERE!" before he ran out of the stadium. Still, thanks to Hosmers heroics the royal kicks were able to outrizz the mets and win the World Series for the first time since communism. None other than Salvador Per-Rizz won WS MVP, as he went to town on Chris Hemsworth.
Ending the edging streak[edit | edit source]
In 2016, Hosmer received his first all sex nomination and had loads of sex. He even won All Sex MVP after popping off in Petco Park at the all sex. Hosmer claimed "I bet I would do so good if I played here every day!" At the end of the year, Hosmers house got raided by U of Phoenix agents and he was forced to live in Mike Moustaches house from then on.
In 2017, Hosmer played for Team Antartica in the world baseball shitter. Hosmer did good, but no one payed attention because his teammate Giancarlo Stanton was blasting 30000ft home runs left and right.
Hosmer had his best season finishing with 104 armed accounts of robbery. He won another gold cock award, and established himself as a top defender in all of baseball. This was the final year on his royal kicks contract, and Hosmer knew it was too dangerous to stay in Kansas City with "it" coming after him.
He's an Athlete.[edit | edit source]
Face of the Franchise[edit | edit source]
In February 2018, Hosmer signed an 8 year $20384618 contract with the San Diego Padds. The dads were nearly complete with their rebuild, and wanted a CLUBHOUSE LEADER to mentor their young new squad. In a famous press conference with Dads owner Peter Griffin, Hosmer was praised for his elite power, masterful defense, and being "an athlete." However, at this point in his career Hosmer was getting lazy of being good. He began thinking to himself "Does it really matter?"
Hosmer was dogshit right off the bat. Just one week into the season, he famously overran a popup to first base, and made no effort to catch it. This let the Asstros win the game and for the Padres to be eliminated from the playoffs. When Peter Griffin was asked about the situation, he just responded "its ok hes a clubhouse leader." The padres would end up finishing with a zero win season, highlighted by Hosmers negative value season.
In 2019, Peter Griffin decided to double down on his terrible financial decisions by signing another big free agent. This time he brought in Manny Machado, who is Hosmer's confidant. Machado became Hosmers personal bodyguard, fighting anyone who criticized his poor performance. The padres finished the season last in the division; a big disappointment for the city of San Bernardino. When asked about his shittyness in public, Hosmer brought up a PowerPoint showing 2 images of planet earth and explained how it didn't really matter. Hosmer had to end his presentation early when he saw Samuel in the crowd holding a slimy little creature.
Pee and Poo[edit | edit source]
In 2020, the Fathers switched their uniforms from blue and white to brown and gold. This change was made to illustrate the fact that it was "Time to Shit." Hosmer, along with Titties and Machado, were ready to lead the Dads to newfound success.
At the start of the 2020 season, Titties slammed a 2 year old despite being told not to by his manager, Twinkle Telletubby. Hosmer talked to Titties about how its disrepectful to slam children, so he went on to slam motorcycles instead. The following day, William Bradford Myers slammed Emma Watson at 6:01am central time. The day after that, Machado body slammed 8 Texas Rangers in one beatdown. On the day after that, Hosmer slammed an 80 year old Grandma, which set the record for most consecutive games with any type of slam. This earned the dads a new nickname, Slam Diego Thugs.
The Dads made the playoffs in 2020, no thanks to Eric Hosmer who spent most of the season karaeoking instead of playing baseball. In response to criticism, Hosmer stated "I was told to just be a clubhouse leader, and also when you look at the world before and after...it really doesn't matter." It did end up mattering as the Fathers got violated by the Dodgers in the postseason. In 2021, Hosmer continued to be ass. Unfourtantly, the dads were still good up to Late July and decided to buy at the trade deadline. They brought in Adam Failure, and were planning to send Eric Hosmer to the trenches. However, Manny Machado single handedly beat up the entire Padres front office and kept Hosmer in San Diego. As Fernando Titties fucked motorcycles, Adam Failure failed countless times, William Bradford Myers got laid, and Manny Machado fought everyone in sight, no one was a bigger disappointment than Eric Hosmer. Hosmer recorded 18 outs per game, and managed to win the first ever rusty cock award for his atrocious defense. Hosmer received $2 billion for being ass, but at least $1 billion had to go his ex wife in Arizona. The team decided to stab Adam Failure, and keep Hosmer on the team for another year, since hes a clubhouse leader.
Rivarly[edit | edit source]
In February of 2022, the dads decided to trade for Yankees first baseman Luke Voit-Insurance. Voit-Insurance is famous for his home run celebration, where he sucks 2 dicks at the same time. Hosmer didn't like the idea of someone stealing his job, because they might actually be good. Hosmer sucked complete ass in 2022, while Voit-Insurance was hitting lots of homers and sucking twice as many penises. The dads decided they wanted to trade for Internationals superstar avocado Juan Soto, and offered them many young studs. They also needed to send over a first basemen too, and made the easy choice to send Eric Hosmer to Washington.
Hosmer became desperate to save himself from going to Washington, begging to Peter Griffin saying "Does it really matter if I suck tho?" Hosmer eventually had no choice but to kidnap Luke Voit-Insurance and send him in his place. After the trade became official, Hosmer thought he had saved himself, but Peter Griffin had a backup plan. He called the University of Phoenix soldiers, and told Hosmer he was either going to be traded to the Boston Red Sex or be sent back to Arizona. Hosmer yelled as the plane to Boston took him away, screaming "Whoses gunna be your clubhouse leader now!" The dads new clubhouse leader ended up being Manny Machado, after he fought Samuel.
Home Stretch[edit | edit source]
Sex in Red[edit | edit source]
Hosmers first game as a Boston Red Sex happened to be his first game in Kansas City since he left the team. Hosmer received a standing ovation, and pissed himself again. While in Kansas City, Hosmer was nearly subdued by the University of Phoenix. However, his old friend Salvador Perez rizzed up the soldiers so much they fell asleep. Hosmer sat at a cum stained Fenway seat and watched the Padres clinch a postseason spot for the first time in history, furious he couldn't be there to stop them. Hosmer played maybe 3.5 more games for the Red Sex before ending his season early; "it" was getting faster and becoming too hard to outrun...
See you on the other side[edit | edit source]
In January 2023, Hosmer signed a one year deal with the Chicago Cocks. Hosmer didn't know how much time he had left, but he knew there was one last thing he wanted to do. In late April, the San Diego fathers came to Chicago for some balls. During the game, Hosmer hit his final career home run, and contributed to a a Cubs 900-0 victory. After shitting on the padres one last time, Hosmer announced his retirement from MLB. Although he will no longer be playing baseball, the dads still have to pay him $8 trillion dollars through the end of 3001.
Hosmer masturbated, and then went to a local garden in Miami to spend his final hours. As he listened to International Love, Hosmer let the snail go up his rectum and send him to purgatory.
Epilogue[edit | edit source]
Mike Moustache[edit | edit source]
Moustache was traded to the Milwaukee Drunks during the 2018 season, and had a solid 2 years there. However, after getting too drunk one night, he woke up as a member of the Cincinnati Menstruals completely shaven. Moustache cried himself to sleep for 4 straight years before announcing his own retirement.
Salvador PerRizz[edit | edit source]
Perez would continue being rizzy with the Royal Kicks for the rest of his career. In 2021, he led all catchers with 480 rape allegation and got away with 479 of them. As of 2023, PerRizz is now a full time designated shitter and no longer catches testicles.
A-Train[edit | edit source]
A-Train would retire from MLB and become a full time member of the Seven. However, after chasing down that one guy who killed his brother, he had a heart attack and collapsed. He now resides in a coma.
Johnny[edit | edit source]
Johnny retired shortly after the Royal kicks won the world series, as he got tired of everyone taking his homework. He has now become president of the united states of America.
William Bradford Myers[edit | edit source]
Myers went on to strike a woman in the Padres 2022 playoff run, and after beating the dodgers, he bought the entire city of San Diego beers to celebrate. Unfortunately, Myers went bankrupt after this and now lives homeless on the streets of San Bernardino.
Adam Failure[edit | edit source]
Failure woke up in Baltimore after being stabbed by the Padres. He went on to be a slapdick second baseman for the Baltimore Oreos, and become depressed oriole fans favorite player.
Luke Voit-Insurance[edit | edit source]
Voit-Insurance became immediately depressed once he arrived in Washington DC. After a tear-inducing season with the internationals, he went on to sign with the Milwaukee Drunks and die of alcohol poisoning.
Blond Barista[edit | edit source]
After learning of her ex husbands death, the blond barista began searching for someone new to enroll at University of Phoenix. She has begun seducing Christopher Martinez, hoping that he will become Samuels next subject in Arizona.