Brent Rooker

Brent Terry "are you ok" Rooker is an american baseball shitter who has spent time shitting on the Minnesotas, San Diegos, Kansas Cits, and Assletics. He has been plagued with having the worst announcer calls in MLB history every time he bats.

The boring stuff

How u end up in Hell

Rooker was born on THE FIRST OF THE MONTH in Memphis Tennis. After eating hot peppers or whatever the fuck they do there, Rooker was signed by the Minnesota Twin Towers for a "renovation project." He was sent to the Elizabeth Olsen Twins before the Major leagues, to ensure he was really straight. After being seen jerking it multiple times, the Twin Towers promoted him to the Fortnite Miracles where Rooker was granted a genie to perform 3 miracles. All 3 wishes were the same, ending with a satisfied Brent and a displeased Genie.

Rooker made his debut for the Twin Towers in the peak of COVID, and just a few weeks later hit his first career home run. Sadly, the announcers REALLY did not even acknowledge the home run until like 15 seconds later, leading to a horrible call and Rooker jumping off Twins stadium.

Rooker wears the jersey of the greatest team ever

One day before the 2022 season, the Twin Towers traded Taylor Swift to the San Diego Fathers in exchange for Paddington the Bear and 4 ancient spirits. The dads were looking to get their car fixed, so they argued the Twins needed to send a man over too. They told Brent to get tf out. On the way to San Diego, Rooker fought the urge to blow his brains out as he was on a plane with Taylor Swift and 200 swifties.

Rooker spent the first half of the year playing for the El Paso Chihuahuas, where it was mandatory to pray to Daniel Camarena before each game. Eventually, the dads called him up to play ball, but Rooker sucked ass so they abandoned him at a local Cold Stone. Brent ended up playing in Kansas City for the remainder of 2022, but he was cut from the team after he refused to participate in a Patrick Mahomes focused group masturbation.

Well Hello!

The Oakland Asses were the only team to give Rooker a chance after he disgraced himself in 2022. Brent found himself alongside some of the shittiest players in history, and in a literally dying stadium. Rooker realized he could easily be the best player on the team if he put in a teeny tiny bit of work. He went on to pop tf off in Oakland, making all 7 fans cheer. Rooker hit 30 horribly called home runs, and used up 69 condoms. His only weakness was he only a designated shitter and went after tortas. Still, Rooker was selected to the all sex as the A's only representative. He had minimal amounts of sex, as being the best player on the A's was comparable to the worst player on the Dodgers. Brent found inner peace thinking he saved the Oakland asses franchise, until they told him they're going to Vegas in a year. Rooker let the word slip.

For the final year in Oakland, Rooker went from being the best player in Oakland to the one of the best players in baseball. In early May, Rooker hit his 10th nut of the year. The A's new female announcer REALLY WENT "well... hello! OK! BOMBS away... for brent ROOKER. Man. When he gets ahold of em. He sends it. a LONG wayzzz." Rooker got an ear infection hearing this, and it made him perform poorly the next game. This REALLY led to a fan messaging Rooker on Instagram saying he sold his sports bet, and Rooker REALLY responded "My brother. I cannot even begin to express I do not care." Rooker later sent the fan a signed jersey saying "Stop wasting your money on me."

After putting up near 40 backpack bombs, and 112 roblox sessions, Rooker knew he couldn't let the Asses leave Oakland. He couldn't let down the 7 fans.

Welcome to Earth Too

Meeting with the President

After the 2024 season, Rooker stormed into the white-straight house to meet with president Jarren Duran. Before entering the building, Rooker had to have a required ball inspection. He walked through the Red Sex themed hallways which highlighted Red Sex legends, except for Pookie Betts. Duran made it illegal to eat corn the long way. Brent was forced to wait in the reception area as Jarren was on a hunting trip with Andrew Tate.

After spending 700 hours on Subway Surfers, Rooker explored Duran's office. He found many of Duran's on field accessories including "Fuck em" headbands, gloves, and sex dolls. Upon further investigation, Rooker found the magic bat President Duran uses. Before Brent could get a lick, Jarren returned and ordered Rooker to give him back the bat. Brent exclaimed loudly "You must be a dancing alligator if you think I'm giving it back!" ... Jarren got his bat back.

Brent tried convincing Duran to keep the A's in Oakland, but Jarren insisted they needed to go to Vegas so that more people could go bankrupt. In an act of rage, Rooker charged Duran and tried to get a light scratch in. Duran countered by smacking him with the bat and teleporting him away. Jarren proceeded to leave for the bedroom to get pegged by Nika Muhl.

The Negative Dimension

Rooker spots a white man in the crowd (he doesnt need to leave).

Rooker woke up in the stands of A's stadium, but he noticed there were thousands of fans cheering on the A's. Brent noticed the standings and saw that the A's were undefeated. Rooker knew how shit his team was, and went to go investigate what was happening. All the players were familiar to the original team, its just that they were popping tf off. The only player that sucked ass was, Bryce Harper. Rooker didn't question much else and joined his team as they DOMINATED the shitty Asstros.

In Rooker's first season on the New A's, the team went 162-0 and won the Domestic Series over the Washington Internationals. While the Internationals were a good team, they were let down by their star center fielder Trea De La Parra, no relation to Megan Turner. Rooker had a monster season, being selected to the all sex game and playing alongside MLB greats such as nofapper Reese Mcguire.

Brent grew curious of the new world and spent the offseason exploring Northern California cities like LA and San Diego. The Los Angeles Dodgers were one of the worst teams in the league as star catcher Marcus Betts was too busy pulling bitches, and utility player Chris Taylor was too focused on ruining Paulo Rivera's life. Rooker asked the Dodgers where Ohtani was, and apparently he was in federal prison for stealing money from his interpreter.

The San Diego Mothers were a top dawg in the MLB, led by Buddhist Manny Machado. Other notable stars were Eric Hosmer and Xander Boogers, 2 of the best players in the league. Joe Musgrove was iconic for his limited edition Petco Park plates, and of course nobody pitched better than Daniel Camarena. Although, Daniel Camarena famously gave up a grand slam to Max Scherzer. Rooker asked the Mothers where Fernando Titties was, and sadly he passed away from a horrific motorcycle accident where he tried fucking it and got ringworm (some things don’t change).

Oakland Supremacy

In the offseason, the A's were looking to win another AL East division and ensure the Houston Asstros stayed in last place. The Asstros only real threat was LJ "100" Hoes, as nobody could rizz more women than him. The A's made 2 moves in the offseason, first signing the highly liberal Brandon Nimmo and second signing elite opener Josh Hader. Hader and his husband arrived in Oakland ready to support all African Americans.

Rooker stares at his teammate's monster milkers

On opening day of 2078, the A's won 64-0 against the Pants-wearing Cubs. After the game, Brent found himself sharing drinks with cub besties Javier Baez and Amir Garrett. Although Javy wasn't interested in women, Rooker hit on all the tortas at the bar. Suddenly, they all started saying "You don't belong here!" Rooker got spooked, but he assumed it was because he was white in a blacks only bar.

Throughout the first half of the year, the A's went undefeated again as Rooker smashed 300 pounders. Josh Gayder opened every game with a BLM speech, and Brandon Nimmo snuck in illegals to play baseball for the A's. At the trade deadline, the A's added longtime Dodgers pitcher Julio Urias to bolster their arms. Urias arrived with a black eye, as he was badly beaten by his wife.

The A's finished their year as the best team in the league again, and were set to face the New Mexico Yankeers in the preseason. In the first game, Urias shouted "Watch This" as he pitched to Giancarlo Stanton. Rooker tried to warn him, but Stanton ended up missing the ball by 50 feet and striking out. Julio ended up pitching a complete game shutout, and went to his wife to celebrate but ended up getting beat. In game 2, the Yankeers were on the cusp of victory and Juan Soto came up to bat. The A's had a plan ready and threw guacamole at Soto, who got unforgivable diaherra and struck out.

In game 3, Brent tried to empower Bryce Harper to finally be good. Bryce eventually focused on his completely normal parents, and was able to hit the first baseball of his career. Josh Gayder followed up with an elite opening performance that included a drag show. The Yankeers countered with their own opener Aroldis Chapman, who threw devastating lifeballs that gave his teammates immense power. In Rookers final at bat of the game, the crowd started yelling "You don't belong here!" Brent started getting really spooked, but he locked in and hit a game winning home run to send the A's to the championboat series. Brent was calmed down by his teammate Ben, who didn't come.

Other Rounds of Ballz

On the other side of the bracket, the San Diego Mothers took on the underdawg LA Dodgers. In game 1, Daniel Camarena dominated the dodgers with his signature mopball. Ha Seong Kim also carried as he drove and talked to no women, claiming himself to be Ryan Reynolds. In game 2, Joe Musgrove threw dozens of plates at the dogs but Marcus Betts was able to counter by eating corn the short way. Will Smith was fired up in this game, as he was recently slapped by Chris Rock at the grammys. In game 3, Manny Machado tried his best to stop a fight as Padre fans threw trash at dodger players. Cody Bellinger, disgusted by the weed he smelled, launched 8 home runs in the dodgers 2nd win. In game 4, Eric Hosmer took center stage as he unleashed his pet snail on the Doggers.

Finally in the decisive game 5, Chrid Taylor hit a walk off grand slam off Daniel Camarena to complete the ultimate upset. After the game, Chris Taylor paid Temit 2 $5M to steal Hobbesty from Pail at the Berkely homecoming. Daniel was furious and went to the top of Dodger stadium to unleash his rage. Sadly, he fell off Dodger stadium and was placed on the 900 day IL.

Brent pauses mid swing, accepting his underwear can't be saved

In the AL championboat series, Rooker and the A's faced the Cleveland Neils. They had a very strict shower policy, needing to shower three times a day. The A's handled bussiness, as the Neils were too focused on their academics. Meanwhile, the doggers played the Philly cheesesteaks. While they had a magical run, the doggers could not counter Nick Castellanos. He was popping off too hard after donating to children and finding the cure to cancer. The cheese steaks were also carried by Blake Snell, who hated those "slapdick" TV games.

The Domestic series became the World Series after Brandon Nimmo allowed all forms of immigrants into the country. Trea de la Parra was back in the world series, ready to make up for the previous year with new AP Literature skills. Game 1 was a fierce pitching dual between Julio Urias and Blake Snell, as both pitchers combined for 20 strike ins, 0 sprints, and 150 pitches caught. Julio eventually got the edge, after getting hot sauce poured up his penis by his wife. The next 5 games were back and forth, eventually leading to a game 1. Before the final game, Rooker was asked by a young child named Franco Wander to sign his ball. Brent had an irresistible urge to touch him, but just signed the ball and told him to scram.

You Don't Belong Here

In game 7, Josh Gayder opened up with an explanation of every letter in the LGBTQAI+. Brent hit his first home run against Blake Snell's iceball, although Snell didn't mind because he just got his 4th version of the Iron Man skin. Trea De La Parra hit his own home run, which was caught by Megan Turner in the stands. She displayed the ball in her classroom at Olympian High School. In the final inning, the A's held their final rally after Brandon Nimmo confiscated the Phillies guns. Rooker came up to bat for the final time, but everybody was just staring at him silently. Brent proceeded to hit the World Series winning home run, and was excited to get Freaky with his team. His teammates started yelling "You dont belong here!", and then the crowd started too. Rooker couldn't take it anymore and tried running out of the stadium. He didn't get far as a UFO caught up to him, and unleashed the Dommy Daddys on him.

Brent awoke tied up in a lab. He stared at the walls and saw "University of Phoenix." Rooker became terrified that a snail was going up his rectum, but all his fears went away when he saw an absolute baddie walk in. The Brunette Barista entered, and gave Rooker special DNA copying coffee. As Brent slurped away, the barista gave his DNA to her assistant. Rooker was in shock when he saw her assistant, a fully robotic Fernando Titties Jr. His fuel source is ringworm rashes.

Brent asked the brunette barista when he was going home, because it was past his bedtime. She told him they were trying to break Shohei Ohtani out of prison, and asked Brent if they could swap their Ohtani with the one from his earth. Rooker told her his Ohtani was literally in 1733, so they had to go plan B. The Brunnette Barista left with Brent's DNA for experimentation, and left Rooker with Titties. What happened next cannot be described, but Rooker had petrol leaking out his ass for days.

Post Credits Scene

After receiving that HAWK TUAH, Jose Siri made his weekly trip to see his bud Wander Franco in prison. After delivering devious amounts of cp, Siri told Wander he snuck in a special gift for him. He won 10 samples of compound V after getting first place in a DC comics trivia night. Wander took all 10 serums at once, giving himself many new abilities. Super Strength, Telekinesis, Super Stretching, and Untraceable DNA were just a few of them. Wander suddenly began seeing visions of young Franco Wander, and was able to open a portal right in front of him. Unlike Brent, Wander showed no mercy on his alternate self, unleashing his 30 foot tongue.

Super Wander and his bitch Siri set base on Earth Too, creating Wander's grotto. Franco now remembered his past life, where Daniel Camarena beat him and Shohei Ohtani cut his penis off. Vengeance has become a top priority, but first he celebrates his escape from prison. He brings all the children to Wander's grotto, and he has the time of his life. After all, theres no party like a Wander Party.