Kansas City Royals

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King George V, possibly the greatest Kansas City Royals player of all time.

The Kansas City Royals is an alleged professional baseball team, even though it doesn't win very many games and usually loses at least 100 each year. The Royals are owned by Walmart. Walmart's slogan, "Great value every day," explains why the Royals maniacally train and groom good players and then sell them for pennies-on-the-dollar to other teams. It also explains the Royals' nickname, "The Farm Club to everyone else." It may also explain the aforementioned large number of losses per win.

Kauffman Stadium[edit | edit source]

Kauffman Stadium opened in 1972 under the very original name of Royals Stadium. It was not until July 2, 1983 that the stadium was renamed in response to an urgent telegram from Hades from late founder Ewing Kauffman.

Kauffman Stadium is located near a highway in Jackson County, Missouri. The highway is actually the only thing that is remotely near the stadium, except for one Denny's and one cheap hotel. Missouri voters recently approved a tax increase to improve the stadium rather than build a new one. Like the porn shop on the edge of town, this relieved Royals fans of the embarrassment of recognition while they pursue their naughty pleasure.

Features[edit | edit source]

Kauffman Stadium boasts a scoreboard that is the tallest structure in metropolitan Kansas City and has resulted in the rerouting of commercial air traffic.

The surface is spongy, soft Toma Turf, ringed by hard concrete sidewalks. This is called the warning track because it warns outfielders not to dive or fall down on it.

The Stadium is the only facility in Major League Baseball to contain a complete Wal★Mart Suckercenter within its walls (see Acquisition below). This retail store, beyond left field, had to deal with inherent conflict, as Wal★Mart customers expect low prices, but professional sports fans expect high prices. High prices won out, as the customers are, after all, captives unless they want to shop across the street and pay another $200 to get back in the ballpark. (There are several dozen "cheap seats" available for only $50, provided the fan doesn't need to sit close enough to know for sure that the players are players and not ants. The key is that ants would not be wearing large numerals on their backs.)

There is convenient parking, only a mile away, for slightly less than the cost of admission itself.

Seating designed for the buttocks of midgets is notorious for "making little people feel like big people."

World Series victory[edit | edit source]

Surprising no one more than themselves, the Royals actually won the 1985 World Series, a gift hinging on an umpiring mistake in Game 6. For a fleeting moment, the Royals had became the greatest team in MLB, winning every game except one to the Baltimore Orioles because the pitching coach came out and played the game by himself, batting, playing defense, and pitching. The rest of the team pulled a Ken Griffey Jr. and fell asleep in the clubhouse. The pitching coach was extremely good at using ghost baserunners, so he lost the game 97-96.

Acquisition by Wal★Mart[edit | edit source]

In 1995, Wal★Mart purchased the team for the bargain-basement price of $19.88 plus assumption of existing debt. The new owners have cut back so drastically on operating costs — most notably to team fitness centers, bathroom maintenance, locker room maintenance, and free parking for the players — that the documentary Major League was filmed to teach the techniques to owners of other franchises, though city fathers ensured that the movie was instead set in Cleveland.

A windfall to the new owners is Major League Baseball's "luxury tax," which penalizes teams such as the New York Yankees that spend large sums for high-quality players. The new owners have used their dividend under the "luxury tax," procured by spending nearly nothing for low-quality players, on the remodeling of the Electronics and Pet Care departments of their other holdings.

Promotions[edit | edit source]

Each year, the Royals hold popular special events. By far the most successful is the annual "First 25 Fans Play" promotion. This occurs every April, right after the professional team is eliminated from playoff contention. The first two dozen fans who show up get to play for the team and receive "real baseball uniforms, Ben-Gay and all."

Other successful promotions include "Kansas City Chiefs season ticket demolition night" and the "Hey! We're gonna win tonight! We've got fireworks!" event. The fireworks please even fans who were grumbling at the lack of fireworks during the actual game, and at the fact that, typically, the Royals did not win.

Notable players[edit | edit source]

A Royals player celebrating after a Royals victory in 1983, the last time the Royals won a game.
  • Coco Crisp, 2009-present (centerfielder). Fruity Pebbles is in left and that's Cap'n Crunch in right.
  • Tony Pena, Jr., 2006-present. He was accidentally listed as a position player in his rookie year, an error that has yet to be corrected.
  • George Brett, 1973-1993, the father of the Royal house of Brett.
  • Frank White, 1973-1990, second base. This first graduate of the "Royals academy" took an agonizing 17 years to finish his baseball PhD. Despite what his name would indicate, he is actually black.
  • Willie Wilson, 1976-1990. The fastest runner in team history, usually attributed to the cocaine addition.
  • Sal Fasano, 1996-1999. Second fastest runner in team history, despite playing catcher; also, the owner of one of the legendary Mustaches of Legend.
  • Amos Otis, 1970-1983. A star outfielder, especially after having his human arm replaced with a rocket launcher.
  • Reggie Sanders, 1993-1995, 1998, 2001, 2002-2004, 2005, 2008. (Between stops with the Cleveland Indians, Tampa Bay Rays, Boston Red Sox, Montreal Expos, Florida Marlins, New York Mets, New York Yankees, Philadelphia Phillies, Chicago White Sox, Colorado Rockies, and Manchester United.) A yeoman rightfielder despite perennial jet-lag.
  • Bo Jackson, 1986-1994, left field. A running back for the Oakland Raiders, Bo fell asleep at the hotel after a tough game in Missouri City, and the team left without him. Since he forgot the Raider's phone number, he just decided to stay in Missouri until the team came back for him, and played baseball to pass the time.

Big moments in Royals history[edit | edit source]

Many of the most memorable moments in Royals history are detailed in the book 0-162: The Perfect Season, which is attracting spider-webs on coffee tables throughout the metropolitan area.

  • The George Brett Excess BBQ Home Run. Also the time he went on the 15-day Disabled List because of hemorrhoids.
  • Nolan Ryan's first big no-heckler game.
  • The moment in 1987 when the scoreboard was struck by lightning.
  • The moment during the Great Flood of 1993 when both the Royals and the Seattle Mariners played in a flooded stadium.
  • The time in 2003 when the Royals won a game by default after a tornado swept away the New York Yankees during the game. The same exact thing happened again in 2006.
  • Snakes-on-a-Plane Night in 2006 where realistic toy poisonous snakes were placed throughout the stadium. The promotion was deemed a success, as many fans survived both the promotion and the resulting panic.
  • The time Mike Sweeney charged the mound to tell the pitcher how much he hates playing in Kansas City.
  • The time in 2009 that former third base coach Dave Owen successfully waved a runner around third, enabling him to score a run without being thrown out by 20 feet.

See Also[edit | edit source]