Mustaches of Legend

An Islamic prophecy recorded by the scribe Abu Kuffar in the year 952 AD and gleaned from a scribbling in the margins of Mohammed's personal sketchbook predicts seven Mustaches of Legend.

The Prophecy

Before the Last Day, Seven Mustaches shall rise to oppose the Mahdi:

• The First Mustache, the Blond Mustache
• The Second Mustache, the Brown Mustache
• The Third Mustache, the Black Mustache
• The Fourth Mustache, the White Mustache
• The Fifth Mustache, the Incongruously White Mustache
• The Sixth Mustache, the False Mustache
• The Seventh Mustache, the Blue Mustache

Who owns these mustaches?

Here are some individuals whose facial hair might identify them as scriptural harbingers of doom:

P. Danforth Some

The First or Second Mustache

Harvard professor Dr. P. Danforth Some is a possible bearer of one of the Mustaches of Legend. However, even he himself is unsure whether his mustache is best described as brown or blond. Some have described it as "sandy", others as "computer generated". Controversy swirls around his mustache like soup. And his goatee might disqualify him.

Sal Fasano

The Third Mustache, the Black Mustache

Sal Fasano, catcher for various Major League Baseball teams, indisputably possesses the Black Mustache of Legend. His mustache -- displayed here in the Fu Manchu variety -- has cured cancer, AIDS, syphillis, the common cold, homosexuality, heterosexuality, acne, skid marks, and losing streaks. It is also the most ticklish mustache in baseball history, according to Mike Piazza.

Albert Einstein

The Fourth Mustache, the White Mustache

Were Albert Einstein's General and Special Theories of Relativity the results of harmless "thought experiments"? Or were they heretical theories with which to oppose the Mahdi and enlist modern science to undermine the very foundations of Islam? As no one is going to travel near the speed of light (and no one in the Islamic world is going to travel faster than an Express camel), Einstein's subversive claims cannot be tested and disproven.

John Bolton

The Fifth Mustache, the Incongruously White Mustache

The Fifth Mustache must be John Bolton, as his white mustache is clearly incongruous with his gray-brown hair. Whan asked about the whiteness of his lip-fur, John replied: "So I enjoy a nice hot cup of Clorox every night! You should see my wife's incongruous privates!"

Hillary Clinton

The Sixth Mustache, the False Mustache

Some argue that US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, being a woman, cannot have one of the Mustaches of Legend. Others suggest that since Clinton's mustache was acquired from Joseph Stalin (who was a man, of course) on a state visit, there is no problem.

However, as a Democrat, Clinton is unlikely to oppose the Mahdi, and more inclined to offer new programs of foreign aid and an unconditional withdrawal of American troops. Thus, she might not be the Sixth Mustache of Legend.

Mung Daal,during the awkward years.

The Seventh Mustache, the Blue Mustache

No one has a blue mustache, despite recent Japanese work in genetic engineering. Not even the "blue-haired" Brahmins of New England. However, Colonel Sanders was briefly blue during puberty, as he suffered from a failing heart valve (as "blue babies" do). He may be the one referred to by the Seventh Prophecy. Happily, the valve repaired itself without surgery, which is harder to come by in Kentucky than one of the Colonel's "Vittles Buckets."

See also

• Islam
• One Bush, Two Bush, Red Bush, Blue Bush (Islamic children's book)

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