John R. Bolton

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
We were lovers for ten years, but it all broke down when he became so... extreme.

Adolf Hitler on John Bolton

What a fucking twat!!!

Tony Benn on John Bolton

The face of true Evil can sometimes be seemingly benign.


For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about John R. Bolton.

From August 1, 2005 to the end of 2006, John Robert Bolton was the United States Ambassador to the United Nations, and is probably the only UN Ambassador anyone will bother to remember. His coming was foretold by Nostradamus as the "Dread Mustache of Terror Who Defies the Smurfs", and by the Aztecs, who inscribed on a temple of Huitzilopochtli: "There will be a man by name of Bolton...he will enjoy war crime..."

He has a moustache.

In addition to the Nostradamus and Aztec predictions, there are indications that his coming was mentioned in the Sixth Book of Moses as the "Baby with Two Horns".

The Seventh Mustache of Legend[edit]

There is also a prophecy that the Islamic messianic figure, the Mahdi, shall be opposed by nine mustaches when he returns. It is generally agreed by scholars that John Bolton fits the description of the Seventh Mustache, "The Incongruously White Mustache".


Born November 20, 1948 in Baltimore, Maryland, Bolton grew up in a devoutly devil-worshipping home. There are several years of his life that are unaccounted for in the late 1970s, during which he joined the Freemasons and the Manson family. At adolescence, the turd-like Bolton went through his metamorphosis and reemerged as the friendly neighborhood psycho. He was next sighted in 1983 when he emerged in Washington, D.C. to work for the law offices of Covington & Burling, where he became a practicing liar. From there he intrigued his way into the State and Justice Departments, which led to his infamy in 2005.

Main Achievements[edit]

Mr. Bolton's main achievement while appointed United States Ambassador to the United Nations was the somewhat less than honorable refusal to accept the International Criminal Court agreement, called Article 98 amendment, which would have made it possible to prosecute (even American) war criminals by the Court. More than 100 countries have today signed this amendment.

During the time for the signing, Mr. Bolton peed in his pants and had to dismiss himself. [1]

Bolton's stand against International Law greatly boosted United States popularity and credibility in the world, and it was generally viewed as a position reflecting high moral standards. A random citizen of the world was overheard by his torturers caretakers at Guantanamo Bay saying "I surely admire the United States even more due to this decision".

Facts about John Bolton[edit]

  • John Bolton does not have a mustache, he just loves milk.
  • His name is a killing word. If you shout it loud enough, it will cause all weak life forms in the area to die.
  • He once uttered a logical sentence. Rude, but logical.
  • His mustache strikes fear into the hearts of the weak.
  • He can smuggle a 37 inch hoagie, or a 6 kiloton nuclear bomb within his jowls.
  • He is a walrus.
  • It is written that he once was alone for 18 minutes with Kofi Annan in a conference room. The details of what actually happened are unknown except this: Annan seemed unharmed afterwards, however he came out weighing 17 pounds lighter than when he went in, and he now weeps uncontrollably at the sight of staplers. Despite this, Annan refuses to discuss the incident. It's been speculated (and is generally believed to be true) that Kofi Annan suffered a nervous break-down due to illogical and inane ramblings of the naturally lobotomized Bolton.
  • He is reported as once saying "I have decided to improve my image, by being more polite. So please shut the fuck up and listen, or I'll have you killed, asshole. (What?? I said please.)"
  • He once declared about himself, if "I lost 10 IQ points today, it wouldn't make a bit of difference", since "I only had 38-points" to begin with.
  • He would've been a member of the Nazi party, but when he found out that they had "socialist" in the name, he ripped up his application and stormed off in a huff.
  1. Bolton attempts to keep it under wraps that he would've actually signed it had it not been for this unfortunate pisscident.