~ Oscar Wilde on lawyers
~ every lawyer ever on everything
~ Captain Oblivious on his brief stint as a district attorney
~ a typical lawyer
~ his typical client
The lawyer (Saurus mendicatus) is an omnipresent species of parasite that feasts upon the vitality of human beings and, alternatively, governments or corporations. Its long, fattened evolutionary history has produced in the lawyer a propensity for an unsavory activity called litigation. Much as regular people rely upon a twisted few to collect bovine sperm samples, most human beings are so understandably averse to litigation as to leave the lawyer with a lucrative monopoly with his hand up Justice's ass.
The lawyer may be recognised by his freshly ironed starched white shirt, long black pants, silk power tie, and a strange tendency to constantly compliment everyone he comes into contact with while simultaneously charging them a small one-time consultation fee of around $147. They are weasels, but not bellydancers. They are particularly known to represent scum of the earth. Like the mosquito, the lawyer absconds with his blood-meal very often before the host has even realized it has been stolen. Unlike the mosquito, however, which at worst may give you malaria, a lawyer may expose you to unusually high titers of poison gas, huge electrical voltages, or non-therapeutic intravenous injections. Lawyers have an uncanny ability to defend the innocence of criminals and terrorists whom they would not come within twenty feet of themselves. Lawyers have a very confused understanding of free speech: that free speech is free only if it does not offend them or their clients, whereas violating common decency, or compromising national security, is permissible. A lawyer's worst fear is that somebody, somewhere in the universe, is happy, wealthy, reputable, and getting something productive done. An interesting enigma surrounding lawyerdom is that despite lawyers' notorious greed and guile and all-around sociopathy, at the end of the day they write checks to liberal causes, because after all, lawyers "care about people ... especially their most loyal patrons."
Typical habitats for Lawyers are courthouses, hospital emergency rooms, bars, and – according to frequent reports – at the bottom of the ocean. They are also known for being caught and trained as evil villains for the Church of Scientology.
When a lawyer is about to attack, sounds come from its anal region that sound like words.
- "quid pro quo"
- "malicious" (sounds kinda sexy if you think about it)
- "Marmalade!" (by far the worst)
- "Additur hell! Just get my fee!"
Lawyers, being the vicious parasitic vermin they are, are often used by humans as biological weapons. A peculiar aspect of lawyer warfare is that, when attacked with lawyers, one cannot retaliate with force, as doing so will result in a far worse attack of lawyers. Instead, one must retaliate with a lawyer attack. Lawyers are also used as a method of solving deep-seated disputes among humans. Traditionally, such disputes were settled by duels to the death. However, lawyer warfare is generally slower, more painful, more expensive, and more dangerous, causing the government to favor it as the primary method of conflict resolution.
- Changing the riches' diapers
- When you want to sue your slutty aunt for the cash she owes you
- Filling up empty space and creating enough hot air for a balloon to fly across the earth for years
Scientific Analysis of Lawyers
Lawyers are predatory animals, and, unlike other predators, which attack only the smallest and weakest animals, lawyers prefer to devour the creatures having the most money.
Lawyers thrive in the most dangerous ecosystems, especially ones full of crime, personal injuries, and general unrest. Lawyers also tend to be attracted to the scent of shitty marriages, where there is likely to be prey. Psychiatrists, zoologist, and even astrobiologists have studied lawyers for decades, but little about their behavior is understood. It is believed by geneticists that lawyers are evolved from fungi, but this is only a hypothesis, and will remain unproven until a large-scale scientific study is funded and live lawyers are dissected for analysis.
- Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.
- A lawyer parked his Mercedes on the side of a busy city street. He opened his door, and a passing vehicle slammed into it, tearing the door off. The lawyer angrily dialed 911. When the police officer showed up, the lawyer began describing what happened, while the officer merely folded his arms and shook his head in disgust. "I can't believe you lawyers. You're so materialistic, you didn't even realize your left arm was ripped off along with your car door!" The lawyer looked at the bloody stump where his left arm used to be. "Fuck! My Rolex!" he cried, blood pouring from the now useless stump. He collapsed, still in shock whilst the life drained from him, leaving him white. Suddenly tired, he closed his eyes to the indifferent world, and in his last thoughts hoped a better one was possible. He died on the side of the road. The lawyer's estate successfully sued Rolex for creating an abnormally heavy watch, which had resulted in his car door's flipping open more quickly than he had intended.
- A rich old guy was about to die. He summoned his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. He handed them each a stack of bills totaling $25,000, and instructed them to place the cash in his casket at his funeral. The day of the funeral came, and the doctor, priest, and lawyer were having drinks when the priest broke down and confessed that he had put only $15,000 in the casket, keeping the rest to donate to the local orphanage. The doctor then admitted that he had put only $20,000 in the casket, keeping the rest as a donation to the children's hospital. The lawyer, in a fit of indignation, said, "I absolutely can't believe you two would do such a thing. How disrespectful to the dead – breaking such a solemn promise! What example does this set for the children, the leaders of tomorrow? The humanity!!" Upon being asked by the doctor and priest if he had put the entire $25,000 in the casket, the lawyer answered, "Well, not the actual bills – but I did put an IOU."
- A minivan went over a cliff with six lawyers in it. When he got to the scene of the crime, the police chef saw his sergeant crying, and asked him what the problem was. The sergeant said: "There were two empty seats."
- One lawyer had a sign at his desk saying "$250 to answer three questions." A client said, "Can I sit down?" The lawyer said, "Yes." The client said, "Isn't $250 a bit expensive for three questions?" The lawyer replied "Yes ... and what's your third question?"
- A lawyer, a priest and a backpacker are on a small plane flying to Hawaii. The pilot of the plane runs out of the cockpit, opens up the side door and tells everyone "The engines are dead, the plane will soon crash and there are only three parachutes." Then he straps on a parachute and jumps out. The lawyer says "Well, lawyers are the most intelligent and valuable people in the world, so I must go next." And he straps on and jumps out. Then the priest says to the backpacker "Well, my son, I've had a long life and I know where I shall be after this, but you have nearly all your life before you ... please take the last one." "Thank you so much, Father," says the backpacker, "I'll make sure you're remembered." So he goes to pick up a parachute and exclaims: "Hey, there are two 'chutes left! And where's my backpack?"
- Did you hear the one about the terrorists who hijacked a plane full of lawyers? They threatened to release the lawyers unless the ransom was paid in full.
- You have just fallen down a well along with a rapist, a murderer and a lawyer, you have a shotgun and two shells left. Who should you shoot? The lawyer ... twice.
- What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? One is a highly trained professional who strives to make the world a happier place – the other is a lawyer.
- What's the difference between a female lawyer and a vulture? Nailpolish.
- If 15,320 lawyers were at the bottom of the ocean, what would you have? A piss-poor start.
- What do lawyers and sex therapists have in common? They both help people get off.
- What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One is a scum-sucking bottomfeeder, and the other one is a fish!
- What do you call a starship carrying a thousand lawyers into a black hole? A good start.
- What do you call twenty lawyers skydiving? Skeet.
- Why do lawyers wear neckties? To stop the foreskin from creeping up their necks.
- What do you get when you try to cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing – there are some things even pigs won't do.
- What do you get when you try to cross a lawyer with a rat? More of the same.
- What is the difference between the devil and a lawyer? One is out to cause evil, pain and suffering; the other is the devil.
- What is the difference between a lawyer and a dollar? About a nanosecond.
- How do you deal with an overcharging lawyer? Decapitation, with nail scissors.
- What's wrong with lawyer jokes? Lawyers don't think they're funny and most people don't think they're jokes.
- What's the difference between a dead rat in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? There are skid marks leading up to the rat.
There is also a piece called a lawyer in the game chess. When a player announces that one of his pieces has become "the client", the lawyer piece assumes the traditional role of "il parasiti", accompanying the "client" piece around the board. A piece attended by a lawyer may not be captured without a valid arrest warrant, and any attempt by the opposition to prevent that piece from capturing the King will result in a substantial fine and/or ejection for unsportsmanlike conduct.
Any disputes involving the client piece may be removed to a separate board occupied entirely by lawyer pieces which players maneuver for strategic advantage while the client piece steadily loses money. This sub-game often takes years to resolve, and occasionally results in the client piece's suicide. Lawyer pieces are not liable for negligence if this occurs. See, e.g., Meyer v. Maus, 2001 N.D. LEXIS 101,*, 2001 ND 87, 626 N.W.2d 281.
For games played under the International Chess Federation's "Italian Rules" (see particularly Rule 303), any player with a firearm may shoot the lawyer piece, permanently removing it from the board.
Lawyers are smart and deadly, but they don't know how to write computer software. In some cases the computer geeks take advantage of the lawyers by writing their legal practice management software. This is a guide for lawyers to know what features to look for and request for legal practice management software. It should be software that handles client and matter data, financial data, docket calendars, court data, conflicts, etc. Good practice management software should be able to have features like keep at least two different sets of accounting books, maybe even more. It should also allow dead or retired lawyers to still bill their clients by proxy by their law firm through living lawyers who still work for the law firm (this is legal representation of a lawyer by another lawyer). It should keep track of bribes and gifts in a private database the FBI cannot access, and lawyers can deny any knowledge of, and encrypted so nobody knows what it does unless they have the decryption keys, and during an FBI raid can zero wipe the hard drive it is located on. It should find ways to discriminate against IT staffers as they are computer geeks and thus not lawyers and are expendable when it comes time to cut expenses and gain more in profits. It should keep track of blackmail material on judges in order to leverage them to find in a client's favor in court. For liability proposes it should keep track of anonymous Swiss Bank accounts and dummy corporations to use for tax shelters and aiding lawyers who got in trouble with the law and move them to a dummy corporation or another company with an anonymous bank account. It also should keep track of payoffs that need to be made to unions and the mafia to avoid trouble with them.
Basically legal practice management software has to be written to help the law firms do their business and serve their clients and find ways around the law to maximize profits and fit with the law firm's code of ethics and business practices.
Shakespeare said, "Kill all the lawyers," and some 500 years later, his edict came to pass. Lawyers' long and distinguished history came to an abrupt end with the advent of Judge Dredd. He IS the law – judge, jury, and executioner. Through rock bands like Anthrax and television shows like I am the Law & Order, Judge Dredd used social media in the 1990s to render lawyers obsolete and eliminate them from the face of the planet. Indeed, with his "law giver" and his powers of immediate judging and execution, the accused lost their right to counsel and lawyers everywhere were "judged" (a nice way of saying "executed on the spot"). Today, the barristers' wig has been replaced by Judge Dredd's helmet.
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~ Attorney on this article
~ Another attorney on this article