Unquotable:Captain Oblivious
“There is an article about who?”
“James Madison is the shortest of all the US Presidents to date.”
“Nobody mentioned there was going to be an article about me?”
“Who?”
“What do you mean 'There is an article about you'?”
“This article should be about me!”
Captain Oblivious is a superhero renowned for his failure to comprehend what is going on around him. Experts are extremely unsure about the origin of Captain Oblivious. When interviewed about this, as all superheroes are, he was found to be unsure of this himself, and only after hours of Interview -- they had to repeatedly explain to him that an interview was taking place -- did they learn nothing. What is known is that his name has been whispered in the darkened corners of the Internet since the Internet went online, and that his life is shrouded in mystery. Even to him.
Captain Oblivious has gained himself fame, but he has never realised and he probably never will.
He is one of the Obvious "twins", the other being Captain Obvious. Doubt is still held as to the exact nature of these so-called twins, however, due to disparaging stories from both of these heroes. Oblivious has stated on the record: "Captain Obvious says we're related, and he seems to know a lot about our mutual childhood. Why, I don't know."
Captain Obvious verified this in his own autobiography where in page 2 he writes: "He doesn't know I am a superhero. He probably doesn't know he is a superhero himself."
“Here are the contents.”
“Where?”
Don't Be Oblivious and Do the Obvious by Confusing Captain Oblivious with Captain Obvious[edit | edit source]
Captain Oblivious is not to be confused with Captain Obvious, who may or may not be his twin brother, as Captain Oblivious mentions in page 1 of his 2 page autobiography:
“Captain Obvious says we're related, and he seems to know a lot about our mutual childhood. Why, I don't know.”
Captain Obvious verified this in his own autobiography where in page 2 he writes:
“He doesn't know I am a superhero. He probably doesn't know he is a superhero himself.”
The Oblivious Offspring[edit | edit source]
“I have a son?”
“What I really miss about my childhood is going fishing with my father without a rod. Or a boat. Or my father.”
Captain Oblivious has a son, whom he forgets procreating. Naturally the identity of The Riddler's mother escapes Captain Oblivious, as does the whereabouts of his beloved son. Captain Oblivious also remains oblivious of the fact that The Riddler had a career as an arch-enemy of Batman. Eventually The Riddler got fired because he wore too stupid a costume, and nowadays he is pestering his poor father by sending him riddles such as:
- Riddle me this, riddle me that
- What kind of dad forgets his own brat?
Education and Work History[edit | edit source]
Captain Oblivious is a freelance superhero constantly moving between superhero groups. He usually winds up kicked out after no longer than six months due to his unique condition, which is best described in his own words:
“People get really annoyed at me for some reason. I... wait a second, is today Tuesday? Was I supposed to be saving Earth today? Where am I? What is this stuff?”
He first rose through the ranks of Professor Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters to join the X-Men. He also possesses several superpowers, including flight, although he is often seen taking a taxi for an unknown reason. His special ability is to forget his own name.
“I forget my name? When?”
“All the time.”
“What time?”
He was first brought into to the X-Men because otherwise he'd still be wandering around Xavier's mansion. Prof. X recommended they give him something to do.
He was later expelled from the X-Men due to his numerous bouts of obliviousness. The final straw came when Magneto crumpled the X-Men's headquarters with his mind after Captain Oblivious told him where it was.
“Was that a secret? I thought it was pretty well-known. I mean, otherwise he could have done that at any time, right?”
After he was kicked out of the X-Men, he went on to do some solo stuff, until he met his sidekick, Mr. Notice. A year later, Mr. Notice quit because he got annoyed that Captain Oblivious was not doing any work.
“You said that at the top.”
“I had a sidekick?”
Arrest[edit | edit source]
January 18th, 2003, Captain Oblivious was arrested with over 50 kilograms of narcotics in his possession, and was charged with possesion with intent to sell. He pleaded not guilty under advice from counsel, but the verdict was quickly reached, by way of this exchange, provided by the stenographer:
- Judge Reinhold - Captain Oblivious, do you understand the charges against you?
- Captain Oblivious - No.
- JR - You are being charged with possession with intent to sell.
- CO - Possession of what?
- JR - Illegal narcotics.
- CO - What makes them illegal?
- JR - (amazed by stupidity) By definition. Now do you understand the charges?
- CO - What charges?
- JR - (pause, look of disbelief) Possession of illegal narcotics with intent to sell.
- CO - Not guilty, your honor.
- JR - By way of?
- CO - (confused pause)
- JR - Why are you pleading not guilty? The police found over 50 kilograms of narcotics.
- CO - Well, unless I've missed something in the facts, which I don't think I have, I never intended to sell it.
- JR - (angered) Are you fucking retarded?
- CO - Who?
- JR - YOU!!!
- CO - You?
- JR - Holy Shit!
- CO - Shit is holy?
- JR - Jesus Christ!
- CO - Jesus is here?
- JR - NO!
- Jesus - Yes, I am.
- CO - Who are you?
- J - (whispers to himself) Nice job with this one, dad!
- JR - GUILTY!
- CO - Who's guilty?
- JR - DAMMIT!
Quotes on Record from Captain Oblivious[edit | edit source]
“Nobody mentioned there was going to be an article about me?”
“Who?”
“What do you mean 'There is an article about you'?”
“If you read the quotes on this page to your friends nonstop, they will laugh.”
“Is this quote in the right section?”
“What one?”
“?”
“Man, I love trolls”
“Mmmmm... oven chips”
“Mmmmm, cake!”
“Mmmmm... cobras”
“Penis?!”
“But I pee with that thing!”
“Really?! Since when?”
“They don't taste of butter?!”
“Elton John is gay?!”
“I don't remember my house being this small. Oh well”
“...Pwned?”
“Wow! Satellite!”
“This red button?”
“Who?”
“I bet that thing works!”
“I bet that thing works!”
“What?”
“Wall? What wall?”
“Nobody cares about that”
“I'm scared!”
“CAPS LOCK ISN'T ANNOYING!”
“I'm white?!”
“Wait! The President's half White? He looks black to me!”
“I don't remember agreeing to this”
“When I sit down, it makes a noise?”
“... I'm blind!!!”
“I can't see any black people”
“There's going to be a quote below this?”
“Wow, I swear I didn't see that coming”
“Seriously? Fish swim ALL THE TIME?”
“Who's Chuck Norris? I could probably take 'em. sounds like a pussy”
“In any given right-angled triangle, the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares of the opposite and adjacent sides”
“What does that mean?”
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“I'm pretty sure this is supposed to be here”