“Often, quotes not actually written or spoken by Mark Twain are attributed to him, because it lends those quotes an undeserved respect. Not this one, though. He must have said this one. I mean, look, it has his name after it and everything.”
In 8,000 B.C. (or roughly 2 A.C., After Cheese), the United States of America tried to make the false attribution of quotes to Mark Twain its national sport, but Congress voted down the proposal in favor of more American things, such as kitten hurling battles, Baseball, Sex, Shopping, and bombing Third World countries.
The actual creation of false Mark Twain quotes involves two things: words, and a voice similar to that of old-timey movie sidekick Walter Brennan. If neither of these items are at your disposal, you can always try a bear trap and some fried sushi.
It is also wise to remember that you're dealing with the mind that actually came up with such things as, "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." So you're going to have to be pretty damn funny to even come close to the real thing, bitch.
Twain on Himself
- "I'm speechless."
- "Wait, no, I'll think of something..."
- "I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. Nor have I let Uncyclopedia interfere with my good taste."
- "In fact, I don't even know why I even invented that High School. Fuck that shit!"
- "I'm so cool, I'm talking in green."
- "M.I.T. is a technology school in Boston. Right?"
- "M.I.T. is a bunch of pointy-headed, know-nothing engineers. All they do is engineer things that make it just as easy to get things done in the same amount of time."
- "I'm Rick James, bitch!"
- "I remember back in my day, we ate lead for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Otherwise Ma would hit us with the bigger spoon."
- "The newspapers say that I am an egotist. Having been a newspaperman in the past, I'm reminded that one man's news is another man's lies."
- "I am not Michael Jackson, and this is not Thriller."
- "During my recent European excursion, I spoke to a man named Freud who was convinced that all of man's thoughts and actions are based on sex. He's obviously never met Mrs. Twain."
- "Have you ever felt, you know, not fresh?"
- "The truth is precious. Many politicians refrain from using the truth, because that would cause a tax increase."
- "Truth is like butter. Pass the salt?"
- "The reports of your death are going to be completely accurate."
- "Statement A: Statement B is true. Statement B: Statement A is false."
- "Sixty percent of lies are damned."
- "The Nile ain't just a river in Egypt. Oh, wait, it is? Then what the heck makes this statement so clever?"
- "Truth tellin' is a whole lot like whittlin' a big ol' hunk o' beech. It just is. Fuck you."
- "Never let the truth stand in the way of a good story, unless you can't think of anything better."
- "In my entire life, I have only lied once and that was when questioned about my sexual orientation."
- "I want no part of it!"
- "When angry, count to ten. When very angry, deck the guy next to you and then yell at him 'til you get arrested."
- "You can either give a man bread, or give him a job to honestly earn his bread. Personally, I like to make 'em dance for it."
- "Man's greatest invention is the cigar. There's no better way to annoy people you can't even see."
- "I can't believe that guy ate the last candy bar."
- "Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody ever does anything about it... Until now! Behold, my patented Weather Control Device!"
- "MARKY MARK TWAIN FOR OXY CLEAN™, THE STAIN SPECIALIST!"
- "Man, I feel like a woman."
- "Bill Gates is so much like Winston Churchill, he makes Kaiser Wilhelm look like Oscar Wilde."
- "I never let religion spoil my view of a good sunset."
- "The remarkable thing about Stevie Wonder is that he has overcome his blindness to bring about the end of the horror we call line-printing."
- "When I met with Queen Elizabeth, I told her we Americans appreciated no longer being under British rule. She told me I smelled like a hamper."
- "I'm not related by blood to Shania Twain, because my last name is actually Clemens."
- "See, I can make up Oscar Wilde quotes too!"
Twain on Being
- "Imagine you're haustorial. Now imagine you're phthlein. Did I just repeat myself? I don't know."
- "Let's suppose you're a heartless bastard. Now, suppose you're a Republican... but I repeat myself."
- "Wait a minute! Does that liberal outpouring agree with my historically-verified political stance?"
- "Jane, you ignorant slut."
- "That boy ain't right!"
- "Whiskey's for drinkin', water's for fightin', and Nyquil's for sleepin'."
- "I've never done Molten Core, but my fire-resistance is at 250!"
- "Mmm.....fried sushi, or canned?"
- Drugs 'er bad, mmkay?
- "Priapism is what happens when someone gets strangulated to the point of hypoxia."
- "I don't write for the Pope, and he doesn't write for me."
- "I've met many women who could show a man a good time for a few dollars. If you've got that kind of money to throw away, get married."
Twain on animals
- "On old masters paintings the rearing horses look so much like kangaroos."
- "Fuck y'all. I'm gonna go appease the sacred monkey!"
Twain on the Differences Between Black People and White People
- "See, white people, they steer their boats like this: dee-dee-dee! Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee!
But black people, they steer their boats like this: do-do-do! Do-do-do-do-do! And that's why we're all one, on the inside."
- "A healthy Negro will cost you real money, but a white man can be bought by a politician for a few promises."
- "I would have more friends of the Negro race, but they're not my core demographic."
- "France has usually been governed by Black people."
- "I have no race prejudices nor caste prejudices nor creed prejudices. All I care to know is that a man is a human being, and that is enough for me; he can't be any worse. Well, unless he's a jew, of course."
- "Suppose you were a Black person. And suppose you could dance. But I repeat myself."
- "Da Hood is hip because it is filled with brothas, and brothas are hip because they live in da Hood."
- "Dere ain't nuffin lowa dan da human race 'cept fo Wiggaz."
- "The Blues is better than it sounds."
- "Unlike George W. Bush, I do care about black people."
- "Jim was most ruined for a servant, because he got stuck up on account of having seen the Dubya and been rode by Perverts."
- "OMG! TH15 I5 73H 5UX!"
- "|>|-|43R /\/\'/ 1337 |-|4X!111111"
^ 1. Patent Pending. ^ 2. Many experts believe this quote was actually spoken by Twain's second wife, Shania Twain. ^ 3. Twain's character in the roleplaying game Molten Core was known as "Main Tank."