“Frankly, this whole controversy regarding my theory of evolution has been hardest of all on my poor nephew. He's constantly taunted and tormented at school by people calling him 'ape' and 'monkey'... It's a good thing he weighs 800 pounds, or else Konga's life would be completely miserable.”
Charles Darwin (1809-1882), naturalist, biologist, tobacconist, and author of The Origin of Species (1859) and Priscilla Likes It Clean-Shaven (1869), is perhaps best known as the father of the Theory of Evolution, as well as the brother-in-law of the Theory of Buttocks You Can Place Drinks On. He is also one of the most misquoted scientific figures of all time, surpassing even Einstein for sheer depth of unquotability.
To this day, however, Darwin's theories continue to be hotly contested by religious conservatives, for no other reason than the mere fact that they challenge the very foundations of their belief systems. Indeed, some have gone so far as to suggest that evolutionary theory could be entirely compatible with the concept of an omnipotent and belevolent "designer," but the existence of Ann Coulter effectively disproves this notion.
- "If I'd known they were going to call it 'Darwinism,' I would have formally changed my name to something more appropriate, such as 'Charles JISM.'" Making it Jismism.
- "The real problem with evolution is that it's too slow to keep pace with improvements in being-a-dipshit technology."
- "Nothing in my Theory of Natural Selection precludes the idea of a creator - only a benevolent one."
- "There are plenty of holes in the theory of natural selection. Those are from the time it was used for target practice by my next-door neighbor."
- "The fact of evolution is the backbone of biology, and biology is thus in the peculiar position of being a science founded on an improved theory. Is it then a science, a faith, or just a big marketing ploy? Or even more importantly, why the fuck does everybody care so goddamn much?"
Darwin on Various Species
- "All species have some sort of evolutionary path, except for telemarketing executives, who come straight from Hell."
- "On seeing the marsupials in Australia for the first time and comparing them to placental mammals, an unbeliever might exclaim, 'surely I have better things to do while vacationing in a nice country like Australia than compare mammalian reproductive systems'?"
- "People keep talking about the 'sixteen-ton elephant in the room,' as if this were something unusual."
- "Marmots are cuter than weasels."
- "I do not believe in God... or Grues... OH...MY...GOD... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- "After I published The Origin of Species, I was universally shunned by all of my religious friends. But that only lasted until I started cashing those big royalty checks."
- "I suppose I could see how some might view the concept of evolution as a justification for atheism, but isn't Oscar Wilde enough?"
- "Who the hell is William Shatner, anyway? And why should anyone worship him?"
- "Dammit, you people are just weird."
Darwin on Intelligent Design
- "Design, sure, but Intelligent? That's a bit of a stretch."
- "Let's suppose there really is a God, and let's further suppose this God created the universe in a relatively short period of time. Let's also suppose that this God had a good working knowledge of biology and biochemistry. Finally, let's assume that this God had some sort of legitimate reason to create innumerable species of living biological organisms, specifically to inhabit this planet, for some unfathomable purpose. All well and good, but I still want to know just one thing: What's the point of Terrell Owens?"
Darwin on Unintelligent Design
- "I know... Wikipedia, right?"
- "I mean, seriously, who on Earth would want to sit in one of those Swedish "contempo" chairs from IKEA for any significant period of time?"
- "Shit, I'll bet God never even took the SAT."
Darwin on Malevolent Design
- "I cannot persuade myself that a beneficent and omnipotent God would have designedly created parasitic wasps with the express intention of their feeding within the living bodies of Caterpillars. However, if the intention was to have them feed within the living bodies of people from Lancashire, that would be perfectly understandable."
- "And if you think those chairs from IKEA are hard on your ass, you should try posing for photographers from Encyclopedia Dramatica sometime."
- "I know... Wikipedia, right?"
- "I am turned into a sort of machine for observing facts, grinding out conclusions, and assembling self-propelled lawn mowers."
- "Despite what the church says about me, I'm really a decent guy. So, can I buy you a drink? And, like, what's your sign?"
- "At first I thought it would be nice if people could all just... ahhh, forget it."
- "I don't know why people thought I gave a fuck about finches"
- "I just fucking love those iguanas"
- "Physiological experiment on animals is completely unjustifiable for mere damnable and detestable curiosity, but such experiments on 20-year-old sectarian bigots is okay."
- "We can allow satellites, planets, suns, the universe — nay, whole systems of universes — to be governed by laws, but the smallest insect we wish to be created by having sex with Michael Jackson."
- "We will now discuss in a little less detail the Struggle for rhubarb pie."
- "Mmm, man oh man, that's some damn good fried chicken! Funny though, it seems to be shaped more like a flightless cormorant."
- "To increase the speed by which the human species shall improve and one day perfect itself, we must all eat more carrots."
Darwin on Traveling the World
- "You could actually get quite good mai-tai's on the Galapagos Islands, until the Americans moved in."
- "Actually, my favorite place to observe natural selection at work was probably Scunthorpe."
- "Back in my day, the only way to see the world was on a sailing ship, and you had to help swab the decks and clean out the privvies like everybody else, with nothing but fish to eat day in and day out, and everywhere there was scurvy, rickets, malaria... Actually, I guess it really was a rather shitty life, now that I think of it."
- "The thing I really hate about the modern world is these science fiction TV shows where someone regresses back into animal form, and then somebody gives him a hypodermic and presto, he's back to normal within three minutes. If it were that easy, why wouldn't they just give everyone on the internet the same treatment?"
- "There's no such thing as 'Social Darwinism.' I suspect they really meant to use a more appropriate term, such as 'you all suck.'"
- "The expression often used by Mr. Herbert West of the 'Survival of Chemically-Induced Undead Brain-Eaters' is more accurate, and is sometimes equally convenient, when referring to the fact that zombies will eventually take over the world."
- "In the struggle for survival, the fittest win out at the expense of their rivals because they succeed in not pissing off the admins."
- "To suppose that Wikipedia, with all its inimitable contrivances for adjusting or ignoring facts to fit specious conclusions, for never admitting misbehavior or deliberate malfeasance, and for the misdirection of human energies toward the encouragement of aberrant behavior, could have been created by human beings, seems, I freely confess, absurd in the highest possible degree. So it must have been created by Satan — which means, of course, that God must exist too. In effect, Wikipedia's existence disproves the Theory of Evolution. No wonder, then, that so many religious crackpots are enthralled by it."
- "Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge; it is those who know little, and not those who know much, who so positively assert that this or that article should not be reverted due to obvious factual inconsistencies."
- "Believing as I do that man, in the distant future, will be a far more perfect creature than he now is, it is an intolerable thought that he and all other sentient beings are doomed to complete annihilation after just a few years of exposure to some stupid website."