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“Atheism leads to Reddit. Reddit leads to brain damage. Brain damage leads to heaven.”
Atheism is a religion, popular in the Western world, characterized by getting drunk everyday and its staunch refusal to believe in any higher power, systems of reincarnation or karma, angels, demons, fairies, or any other number of things commonly affiliated with orthodox religions. For this reason, the practitioners of atheism, called atheists, are generally seen as killjoys and know-it-alls, and are thusly heavily persecuted. (Being thusly heavily persecuted is a position that is coveted by many Christians, so they are justly and logically jealous of these "people".) However, among certain communities, atheists are seen as enlightened and logical individuals, and are frequently leaders of the community in much the same way a pastor, rabbi, or Grand Dragon might be.
Typical characteristics of atheists include: neckbeards, fedora tipping, utilization of the catchphrase "nice guys never win", a general aura of superiority, and characterization of all religious people as "sheeple", oblivious to the fact that many believers are intelligent and have, through sound logic and deep thought, come to believe in a higher power. (See the mathematical proof of higher powers below).
In recent times the cult has been the subject of heated controversy. Lacking any singular holy text, or indeed any kind of holy texts at all (their closest example is Play-Doh), has led detractors to fear the moral integrity of atheism, and in particular its most zealous adherents, who have been observed doing things such as rejecting the superiority of the Aryan race, or the rejecting such obvious facts as the flatness of the Earth. Although the lack of an ancient religious text gives them a survival advantage over Christians, who spend their entire time thinking about how to justify the multiple counts of genocide found in the Bible, and thus are more likely to be eaten by their apex predator, bears, than their more agile evolutionary cousins, atheists. The first prominent religious figure to address the atheist problem was Christian Saint George W. Bush, who described atheists and people who believe in the existence of sub-atomic particles as "a real threat in America, including to the rest of the world", and attributed the danger of atheism and sub-atomic-particleism to the fact that "you can't really tell them apart from regular old white people."
After decades of receiving little to no attention from acadaemia, atheism has finally caught the interest of modern archaeologists, who have deemed atheism boring enough to be worthy of prolonged study.
Mathematical Proof of Higher Powers[edit | edit source]
In his book, "Very Boring Ancient Book", (which is famous for first formulating the moral question whether or not stuffing bananas up one's nose was actually bad), Greek mathematician Ptelectelecus (also known as Testicles) provides a proof of higher powers: Supposeth we haveth a numbereth, 2^1. We can think of 2^2. Then we thinketh ofeth 2^3. Eveneth ifeth we thinketh ofeth 2^4, we think ofeth 2^5. So thereth always be a higher power of 2, or any numbereth. Noweth begone dumbeth atheists."
The immense logic of this argument demonstrates how in extreme denial atheists are by denying the existence of higher powers.
Origins[edit | edit source]
Reginald "Sparky" Wharton III[edit | edit source]
Modern astrologists attribute the origins of atheism to Reginald "Sparky" Wharton III (1911-????), who, after twenty-five years of unsuccessfully praying for a New York City rent-stabilized apartment, publicly uttered his now famous words, "Fuck This", words which were to form the basis of the atheist credo until Wharton's death two weeks later.
Wharton, struck by lightning while throwing rocks at children in Central Park, left virtually no documentation of his religious ideology: his only remaining belongings were two packets of ketchup and some illegible scribbles on a Burger King receipt. Wharton is said to have been cremated in Gunfire Creek, New Jersey, though neighbors claim his body was buried "somewhere out west". This allegation is further confused by the testimony of Geraldine Chan, Wharton's personal seamstress and joint proprietor of Hunan Happy Cleaner, Inc., who claimed in a 1974 interview that "Me no know him well, but pretty sure he bring two stained shirt and golf-style pants the Wednesday after police say he dead, so me no know much if report was right. But me think he a atheist, ha ha."
Further doubt about Wharton's death was cast by the 1977 testimony of California grave robbers Pedro Antonio Lopez-Gonzalez-Torres and Juan Generico Perez-Caramba, who were apprehended in Amarillo, Texas for urinating on private property. While under police custody, they confessed, among other things, to have opened Wharton's casket a few months before their arrest, only to find "no bodily remains – just a couple packets of ketchup and a pillar of salt".
Lopez-Gonzalez-Torres' and Perez-Caramba's testimony was dismissed as unconstitutional by the Armadillo County District Court of Appellations upon the discovery that their confessions had been extracted at gunpoint by police officer Rodney King, who made Lopez-Gonzalez-Torres confess to several crimes, including the murder of John F. Kennedy. However, the charges against the police department were dropped when the Armadillo County Bureau of Infinite Justice showed Lopez-Gonzalez-Torres and Perez-Caramba to be Russian illegal aliens, thereby rendering their testimony void and bringing to doubt their belief in Christ.
No further testimony was obtained from L-G-T and P-C, who were promptly executed by firing squad in the summer of 1978, shortly before the Armadillo County Court of Counter Appeals found them to be innocent.
Many atheists deny that Wharton ever existed, citing insufficient tangible evidence.
Jeremiah "Sparky" Chomsky[edit | edit source]
The legacy of atheism was continued by the now-forgotten Austrian window-dresser Jeremiah "Sparky" Chomsky (????-1977), who is said to have independently invented atheism at approximately the same time as Wharton.
Chomsky, a staunch atheist, categorically denied the existence of God and stubbornly refused to acknowledge any sort of supernatural event, despite having been reputedly approached by talking, spontaneously-combusting specimens of plant life on at least five different occasions in the summer of 1967 (the so-called Summer of Love), and various other times in the years following. After encountering a talking serpent during a hiking trip in downtown London, he wrote in his only surviving journal: "'Twas the freakiest thing I ever did see, a fluke of Evolution, or perhaps a side-effect of bodily fatigue, yet not unlike in its wonder to the burning sculpture of the Virgin that confronted me last week during my visit to the Aquarium. Nature is indeed a remarkable force."
Plagued by apparitions, Chomsky died of natural causes after being attacked by a flock of ravens while repairing the hot water heater in the basement of his beach house in Cancun, Mexico.
Atheist opinion of Chomsky is divided: many say there was no such man, or if there was, that there was nothing special about him, while other atheists simply don't care.
Beliefs[edit | edit source]
A common misconception about atheism is that they do not believe in any supreme deity, this is not true. In fact atheist believe in the teachings of Alla (not to be confused with Allah), which are outlined in the Atheist Bible. The Atheist Bible takes common themes of baby eating, supporting the injection of marijuanas, converting the American youth into homogays, and anything that is evil. Other than that, atheist beliefs are hard to nail down, with any two atheists frequently having wildly contrasting opinions.
As a direct result, and ironically in keeping with many other central faiths of the world, atheists find themselves frequently at odds with other faiths. In the wastelands of the country known as the Internet, atheist crusaders frequently war with zealots of other faiths. Natives of the Internet have often gone on record as saying that "while all religious crusaders are troublesome, atheist crusaders are by far the most aggravating, due to their limitless abilities of pedantry."
Practices[edit | edit source]
The practices of atheism are as varied and eclectic as its many followers. Despite a central holy text, the oral traditions and many, many, many, many smaller treatises on the subject have congealed into a sort of squishy set of tenets. This malleable mass of practices tends to roll around and gather new tenets, while others slough off after picking up too many bugs or twigs. As such, this section is expected to be highly fluid, but for now, here is the aptly-named Play-Doh of Atheism.
Saints[edit | edit source]
While belief in the supernatural is strictly forbidden, belief in saints is widespread and common. Note that, as with many currently existing faiths, all the saints presented here (with the notable exception of St. Degrasse-Tyson) are white men. This coincidence continues to baffle many pundits and theologists.
- St. Occam, Patron Saint of Logic, is the earliest known saint of atheism. Occam was a vicious serial killer, made most terrifying by his propensity for walking up to people in broad daylight (often with crowds), announcing "I'm going to murder you" and dismembering them with a razor. Occam's Razor, one of the few relics of atheism, is said to have the inscription "The most likely explanation for an unexplained phenomenon is commonly the one our small brains can understand most".
- St. Carl, Patron Saint of Billions and Billions of Stars, was a popular saint during his lifetime, in the era of the McCarthy Red Scare days. Sagan advocated that humanity should continue their journey towards the stars in search of new lifeforms, and to do so quickly, before the Russians did. Recently, Sagan has come under heavy scrutiny for revelations about a purported belief in aliens, whom he frequently referred to in his texts by the much more interesting name of "succubus".
- St. Darwin, Patron Saint of Evolution. Ordinarily a God-fearing British researcher, his voyages to the Galapagos Islands led him to discover the possibility that creatures may change over several generations to adapt to their habitat, flying in the face of his existing doctrine. This practice, deemed evolution, is a common element of atheist worship.
- St. Neil, Patron Saint of Badasses. While most non-atheists see him as merely a witty astronomer, few know that he is actually a highly evolved species of chameleon who takes his current form to better spread the word of atheism. This advantage also helps him ambush his prey and primary form of sustenance, pundits.
- St. Paul, Patron Saint of Gold. Despite the name, little connection between this saint and St. Paul of Christianity can be found, as the latter was a devoted Christian and a primary thinker of his faith, while the former was a portly, mustachioed prospector of the Wild West days. St. Paul was martyred by his own stick of dynamite, which he lit as a statement on the freedom of the American people to bear arms. The local sheriff reportedly asked him to at the very least hold the dynamite with his teeth, to which St. Paul refused.
- St. Feynman, Patron Saint of Physics. Records on St. Feynman are scarce and frequently debated, and many are unsure whether he was, in his lifetime, a teacher or a pimp. A few atheists even claim he was both.
- St. Dawkins, Patron Saint of Rampant Asshattery. The less said about him, the better, but St. Dawkins is one of the most widely celebrated saints of atheism. Theologists the world over still have no clue exactly why this is.
- St. Albert Fish, Patron Saint of Baby eating. Before Fish, many atheists who had some morals left would refuse to eat babies and would pass down their moral genes, creating more "moral atheists". He would find these atheist, eat their babies, and the rape mothers so that the new babies not have the moral genes. The new babies would become perfect atheist
- St. Kek, Patron Saint of Memes. Before Kek, those not blessed by Kek would refuse to spread meme magic. He brought about the meme revolution to the world.
Rituals[edit | edit source]
Though atheist rituals vary widely by geographical location, they show a distinct pattern: meals always start with a sacrifice of a small animal or child (which ever is more convent) , and the exterior of atheist households is always adorned with "satanic" images (even though that satanism came well after atheism). All activities are conducted in a way that modern astronomers have referred to as "objectively heathen".
On weekends, atheists often partake in rituals such as shopping, catching up with chores, doing illicit drugs, or participating in recreational activities. These practices are often conducted in casual wear, notably sweat pants, especially in South America. In stark contrast to this, the fedora is a common element of religious wear as of late, drawing ire from other faiths for having absolutely no idea how to coordinate an outfit. The question of circumcision is highly disputed among atheist sects, and its practice varies widely depending on how convincing the surgeon was and whether the parents can afford it.
Garb[edit | edit source]
While religious garb is generally indistinguishable from conventional day-to-day clothing, those unfamiliar with the faith are sometimes confused by atheists who paradoxically wear religious emblems like the crucifix or the American flag. While some atheists do in fact wear holy symbols, they normally do so to piss off other faiths. This is common among preteen atheists, who comprise roughly 60% of the faith.
Sects[edit | edit source]
As with the other major religions of today, atheism has a number of sects, ranging from those who mockingly claim to worship fictional entities for the sake of satire, to those who eschew the core tenet of atheism, the refusal to belief in fictitious beings, in order to have an outlet for their bestiality.
- Reddit atheists are, as their name indicates, denizens of the micronation of Reddit, located in the caves of the Internet. The main thing setting apart Reddit atheists from their compatriots is their extreme code of conduct, which any breach of by outsiders is met with swift punishment. Detailing the code of conduct here is beyond the ability of even the most skilled scribes, but the most central tenet can be summarized succinctly by "I have a penis therefore I am the best and you are wrong". Conventional atheists usually tend to distance themselves from Reddit atheists, in part because of the code of conduct, and in part because Reddit atheists have been known to distribute carcinogens by talking for an extended period of time.
- During the early parts of the new millennium, a handful of atheists claimed to worship a being known as the Flying Spaghetti Monster. In the atheist tradition, however, this belief was less as an honest declaration of faith, and more of a mockery of other faiths, claiming that believing in an omnipotent, if bland, meal was just as ridiculous as believing what amounts to an episode of Dragonball Z. This sect died out shortly after the discovery of the Flying Spaghetti Monster's corpse in 2011.
- Some atheists, rather than outright denying the possibility of the supernatural or any gods, merely choose to acknowledge their possibility without their faith. These agnostics are generally mocked by everyone else for being too cowardly to stick to a side. Due to constant derision, agnosticism is very popular in Canada, where admitting yourself as such there hardly merits taking a break from your bong.
- For reasons unknown, a massive and still-growing number of atheists have founded the Latter-Day Church of My Little Pony, in response to the release of a children's cartoon aimed primarily at young girls. Since then, the heavy influence of the church's members, hereafter termed Bronies, has steered the show, and its tenets, away from the generally positive and witty messages to girls growing up into an orgiastic cult of bestiality. Oddly enough, the chief criticism leveraged at bronies by conventional atheists is not the cancerous insertion of their faith into every aspect of their life, nor the theft and corruption of something wholly unrelated and unintended for them, but rather the nonexistence of the gods of the Church. The lead spokesperson for the Church muttered something about genetic engineering before hurriedly putting his pants back on and throwing himself off of a cliff to his demise.
See also[edit | edit source]
Notes[edit | edit source]
- except Reddit karma, of course