~ The Pope on Angry Atheists
History of Angry Atheism[edit | edit source]
The first Atheists and God[edit | edit source]
The history of Angry Atheism can directly be traced back to the moment when "God created the world". Angry Atheists who were at that point in time still known as simply Atheists were slightly irritated by the fact that God was taking all the credit. From that moment they were known as Slightly Irritated Atheists. At one time at or around this point, the first intellectual rights violation suit was filed by atheists (by way of some public defender), who said that God was taking credit for something not legally owned or created by Him.
The situation could have been avoided had God written another copy of the universe and mailed it to himself, keeping it sealed until the court case. It was well within his power to create and then utilize a postal service, atheists argued, which was in turn used as a refute of God's claim. Smitings commenced. The 5-0 stepped in before anything could really go down, but God was definitely on top and drawing the most blood.
A possibly less-visible but more important question is who created the atheists. Atheists say that they spawned asexually, like bacteria, sometime in the early fourth century BC; they also emphasize that they learned how to do that themselves, through community college night courses and lots of internet research. God says that if you cut a worm in half, you get two worms.
Slightly Irritated Atheists are pushed towards face of resentment[edit | edit source]
God would continue to push the Atheist's buttons during history. During medieval times Slightly Irritated Atheists were often subject to the inquisition for showing irritation when confronted with the greatness of God, or alternative for being a witch. This caused much resentment among Slightly Irritated Atheists evolving them into Quite Resentful Atheists. The main showdown between the QRAs and God happened on June 27, 1568 in a valley about 10 miles from Toulaine, France. The evolution into QRAs, in addition to giving an additional 35HP and the ability to cast "Pneumatic ass-ram." God, in the meantime, decided to concentrate on the recent problems between the Catholic and Protestant churches; they were spending too much time focusing on each other and not enough on Him, so he did the thing from Spaceballs where the taller guy could hold back the smaller guy and keep him from swinging his... ahem... schwartz enough to kill him. You know the one. Another draw, and the atheists again claimed victory.
QRAs are tricked into being full-tilt angry[edit | edit source]
Obviously, God couldn't resist wailing on the atheists. Despite the truth that came out about the origin of human beings when Charles Darwin wrote 'On the Origin of Species', God started adding hallucinogenic substances to the drinking water, especially in the USA, and laughed his ass off (which fell down and started the Cold war) when Creationists managed to put Christianity back into science class. This angered the Quite Resentful Atheists, which were from this point on simply known as angry atheists, since they were so freaking angry that they routinely had strokes about two words into their title.
Reception of Angry Atheism in the modern world[edit | edit source]
The perpetual state of anger found in all angry atheists did not do much good for their social life. Nobody likes a party pooper. Theists all over the world have been shunning the social contact with angry atheists, which didn't do a whole bunch for their foul mood. Even the workplace isn't safe for the angry atheist. Nobody wants to hire a grumpy face. The only job where angry atheists have been welcome is the Riot Police. Nothing gives that extra effort into clubbing some innocent protester as pure anger. Many angry atheists have flocked towards Canada to work in its baby-seal-clubbing-industry. However, again, the number of strokes angry atheists get monthly means that the seals don't mind much, either.
The Catholic Church[edit | edit source]
The catholic Church was originally rather cross with the Angry Atheists. As Bishop Tutu explained it, "They never come to Church, and when they do they sit there in the back with a contorted face as if baby Jesus didn't love them as much as Real Christians. Well, he doesn't but that is no reason to pout."
The attitude of the Catholic church changed overnight when a scientific study revealed that the offspring of Angry Atheists have a high incidence of becoming handsome young choir boys who can't say no. Science currently has no explanation for this phenomenon, but it may be related to whatever syndrome causes all Japanese schoolgirl rapes to result in long and prolific sexual relationships.
The Pagan Response[edit | edit source]
Here is what a leading pagan said about angry atheism...
"Dude, what the hell you attacking us for? We're non Missionarical! We don't try to convert people! WTF? I mea..."
At this point an angry atheist pulled a gun and shot him. The pagan is now in a stable condition in hospital. Another pagan told the angry atheist about the whole 'An if ye harm none do as thou wilt' thing, but got clubbed on the head...
Angry Atheism on the Rise[edit | edit source]
Angry atheism is a type of diabetes that is on the rise since those smart-ass Chinese, I mean, normal Chinese have been taking over the world. Angry atheists are often very abusive to crosses, rosaries, Buddha statues, Hindu avatars, Jesus, Mohammad, Muslims, Christians, and whatever the hell ever that has to do with religion. Sometimes babies and butterflies, too, when they feel like it. Chuck Norris admits that he used to have the Angry Atheist Diabetes. This is why he founded the AADA or the Angry Atheist Diabetes Association. Chuck Norris as well as thousands of other Angry Atheists have to get special treatment with injections. Many angry atheists have to carry a defibrillator in case they have a heart attack from seeing a cross. Atheists have lots of health problems. Of course, it's their fault.
Angry Atheist Uncircumcising Device[edit | edit source]
As many, many men know, circumcision is practiced largely for religious reasons, in addition to perceived medical benefits. Because of the religious connection, many atheists have taken to carrying around portable or shoulder-mounted decircumcising devices (SMDDs), which are used to forcibly reattach foreskins to "those less fortunate". Many methods are used, but some of the more common procedures are as follows:
- Soldering the replacement tissue to the ... affected areas.
- Electrothermaly welding tissue samples to the groin, forehead or left shoulder.
- For those sensitive to heat, sterile staple guns and pneumatic darts are available.
Vandalizing Churches[edit | edit source]
For many years, atheists have been accused of vandalizing churches and other places of worship. Why this is is somewhat unclear and subject to debate. A lot of the time, the church was asking for it. I mean, look at what it was wearing! Stained glass windows are for buildings of the night, or for houses of ill-repute. Gold all over them... it's obviously a gilded cage. We set them free, man.
On the other hand, of course, there are lots of churches that are simple, homely structures that are being defaced by atheist termites (at least, they are nondenominational, and all of them interviewed have always declined to answer questions about their religious status), dogs urinating on the corners, and other demonic creatures.