Atheist Hell

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An Atheist Hell you say?

Oscar Wilde on Atheist Hell

This is what Heaven actually looks like. Nuns patrolling for people who think they are good.

Atheist Hell is a miserable, swirling torrent of pain, punishment, and paying your taxes. Actually that is regular Hell. Which is not to be confused with Hell, Michigan. Atheist Hell is a pleasant place full of fun, smart people, alcohol, and not listening to old white people preach about talking plants. Honestly, nobody can really believe a story about a crackpot old man who learned the answers to deep philosophical questions from a burning piece of shrubbery.

Atheist Hell vs. Hell[edit | edit source]

Someone who will never be welcomed to Atheist Hell.

The primary difference between Atheist Hell and Hell is that Hell is full of the so called "Unwanted" people of the earth. This includes, but is not limited to:

Hell, of course, is specifically reserved for members of the above list who are "bad". These subhumans are known to the general population as "sinners"[1]. It is rumored that members of the above list who are "good" are "saved" by a mystical super-human being.

Atheist Hell vs. Heaven[edit | edit source]

Heaven, as it is known to the Jesus Freaks, is often pictured as an idyllic place, full of wonder and goodness. However, this is idiocy. The "real" Heaven is a horrible, twisted place, much resembling the inside of a Catholic High School. As such, it is a cold, dank, and drippy place, patrolled by fifty-foot tall Nuns who carry yard sticks which are a full twelve feet long. These yard sticks are known to inflict sharp pain, and leave its victims dead. Of course since it is Heaven, anyone who dies is respawned after waiting the mandatory ten-second period. The Nuns are controlled by super-Nuns (often called "Mother" by the other Nuns) who are in turn controlled by someone they call "the Holy Father". "God", as he is known to many, is very sadistic, often praying upon his worshipers by drowning them, starving them, or giving them Fox News talk show hosts.

Atheists, who are often told they are "going to Hell", do in, fact, always go to Hell. But they go to Atheist Hell, unlike their religious counterparts. Atheist hell is a very nice place. In Atheist Hell one can expect to find the following:

  • Atheists (duh!)
  • Intelligence
  • Jesus (As he knows heaven sucks)
  • Fun
  • Pleasure
  • Joy
  • Happiness
  • Intelligence
  • Non-delusional people who don't accept lies as absolute truth
  • Anything you ever really wanted but God refused to give you.[2]
  • A full service bar
  • Courts to sue the Christian Hell
  • Globes (the square kind)
  • Monkey-Human counterparts (theory of evolution)
  • Orgasms
  • Jet Skis

Atheist Heaven (Otherwise known as Narnia)[edit | edit source]

As you may have noticed, there hasn't yet been a mention of Atheist Heaven. That's because there isn't one. They don't need one. In fact, Atheists got rid of their Heaven years ago, as leasing two buildings was costing them a ridiculous amount of money [3][4]. So they just joined Atheist Hell and put everyone in the same place. The two buildings had the same stuff in them anyway.

The Future of Atheist Hell[edit | edit source]

Clearly Atheist Hell is preferable to any of that nonsense the Jesus lovers throw at you about Heaven, salvation, and fiscal responsibility. As such, Atheist Hell has been recruiting record numbers of people ever since the Enlightenment in the eighteenth century. Because of this, Atheist Hell has had to renovate frequently in order to accommodate the rising number of people in it's membership. Because Atheist Hell is doing so well, and the invention of time travel, it is predicted that Atheist Hell will continue to prosper for millennia to come. Meteorologists of Atheist Hell predict that over the next 2 to 3 years there will be a pitter patter of homosexuals as Yahweh decided they are just too fabulous for his little heaven and should go to AH and have awesome homosexual, pre-'civil union'ital intercourse.

See Also[edit | edit source]

References[edit | edit source]

  1. A number of ways exist to become a "sinner". These include murder, sex, believing in Divine Pasta or anything else that's fun you can think of
  2. This is one of the reason's you became an Atheist anyway. No matter how many times you prayed for your parents, grandparents, foster parents, and friends, they were all murdered by an axe wielding stalker from Seattle.
  3. Seriously. Have you ever tried leasing two entire buildings in Minneapolis?
  4. It's really expensive