Christopher Hitchens

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Digital Hitchens succeeds where Regular Hitchens fails.

“Hitchens is not great, the right-wing trotskyist poisons everything!”

~ God on Chris Hitchens

“ Oh bollocks.”

~ Hitchens upon meeting God on judgement day.

Christopher "Small Talk" Hitchens, born in Portsmouth, England, (therefore not a true dyed-in-the-wool American which effectively renders his opinions neither ridiculously ill-informed and dogmatic or pointlessly patriotic and racist, much to the great dislike of the American people) is one of the most bad ass people to ever set foot on this shitty little planet called "Earth." He is a lovably frumpy and dissipated English bloke known for his uncanny similarity to Samantha Stevens' Aunt Bertha in the American Television series Bewitched. He is clinically obese, clinically homosexual, and enjoys singing nursery rhymes. He likes to promote rational thinking whilst irrationally smoking and drinking excessively to the harm of his body, and suggesting that the war in Iraq is a good thing. Leading by example, as always then, Bitchens.

Where the hell is Christopher Hitchens[edit | edit source]

Christopher Hitchens is living away the rest of his life. Submitting to this world he was brought into, Chris doesn't not approach death in an illusional way. He rather faces death with a particular eye for realistic concerns. He understands he is dying and is unbelievably brave for admitting and saying the honest truth to all who ask him. With no regrets and facing his death, Chris Hitchens is really the best among us.

So-called "author"[edit | edit source]

His book The Missionary Position: Post-Humously screwing over Mother Teresa in Theory and in Practice (Verso, 1995), which strongly criticizes Mother Teresa, Lucille Ball, motherhood, poor people and women in general, won several golden globe awards and an Oscar, something almost unheard of in the book industry. It also won an honorary bronze medal from the laff-o-limpics committee in June of last year.

The book basically describes a pseudo-elderly Mother Teresa "playing the martyr" and acting like a "holier than thou hypocritical ass" as well as accuses her of stealing from the rich to give to the poor. Did he really mean to portray this benevolent figure as a transgendered Robin Hood in Marie Antoinette clothing or as some kind of schizophrenic saint blessed with the ability to evade scrutiny from the likes of Fox News and CNN? No one knows for sure, unless the look it up on the world renowned Penn & Teller's Bullshit!, but they published the drivel anyway just to annoy Catholics.

At the time this was Hitchen's full time hobby. Although he has decided to walk on the wild side recently and has taken up the extreme sport called annoy the Muslims. This sport consists of drawing a cartoon and then running for your life while men wearing head towels and women wearing ninja costumes run after you with signs proclaiming their love of Hitler. If you're lucky you get killed by shooting, if you're unlucky you get killed by stoning (unless you convert to Islam and become a towelhead yourself)

It also details in great depth all the ways in which Mother Teresa was able to conceal her embezzled millions by wearing Queen Victoria's secret lingerie beneath burlap robes, drinking Cristol champagne from deceptively simple looking Pottery Barn earthenware, and building an underground empire and railroad system under her straw hut in Calcutta, India.

He later denounces Lucille Ball as a redheaded stepchild who dyed her hair red because people only laugh at women with red hair thus saving her from the tedium of coming up with jokes that might scare heavyset English gentlemen who are terrified of American women with a sense of humor because they remind him of his years in Catholic grade school when the nuns realized that if they looked at him in a certain way, he would roll over on the floor with all fours in the air like a great puppy.

Good boy!

This always got big laughs from the other kids, even though they were later whipped with an extension cord for laughing. The last chapter also examines the lives of several pathetic poor people.

Hitchens vs. Chomsky[edit | edit source]

In 2008 Hitchens heckeled Noam Chomsky at a lecture shouting "Fascist Crackpot!" before saying sorry and leaving the room. While Chomsky was signing books after the talk however, Hitchens aproached Noam holding a worn copy of 'The Trial of Henry Kissinger' and asked Chomsky to sign it. Chomsky said, "I can't sign this shit Chris!" Hitchens replied, "If it's shit, you should know, you wrote it. By the way Nom, it's CHRISTOPHER!" Later, while leaving the venue, Chomsky received and then returned automatic weapons fire from an unknown source. Hitchens was nowhere to be found...

Role in the Beautification of Mother Theresa[edit | edit source]

Hitchens was called upon by the Pope to give arguments against the Beautification of Mother Theresa. His testimony included several key points, such as "she's a minger and a granny, it'll take ages", "she helps people, she must be some sort of hippy or some shit" and most importantly "she was probably a kiddy-fiddler like I am". As a result of his testimony, the Pope decided against the postmortem makeover and instead had her remains fired out of a cannon. This ceremony is now celebrated every year by children, who make straw Mother Theresas and fire them out of pretend cannons made from toilet rolls. Hitchens is known to yearly take part in such a ceremony, where he dresses up as Mother Theresa fires himself out of a cannon into a vat of liquidised meat.

Kiddy-fiddler, terrorist, or all of the above...?[edit | edit source]

It is said that Hitchens is the type of guy you wouldn't want your son... err... daughter to meet (possibly because of the connection of his conversion to atheism at the ripe old age of 14 and his favorite brand of brandy). While this has created several conspiracy theories behind Hitchens, he vehemently denies such a thing, comparing it's evidence to that of the strength of watered down brandy. Along with the accusations, some have pointed out that it is entirely possible that Hitchens is a terrorist, sent by the Illuminati or worse, Sam Harris, to disrupt the god-powers of our most precious and beloved country that kicks more ass than Canada. Of course, this "Iraq-is-a-moral-war" atheist says that this is definitely not true and such accusations have led to an outburst by Hitchens who, once again, blames those evil Christians and those dumb agnostics. Of course, the reply from Christians is "We'd like to see things from his point of view, but we can't seem to get our heads that far up our asses." Agnostics, on the other hand, compare his kiddy-fiddling antics with that of OJ Simpson.

Infamy[edit | edit source]

Hitchens is also known for his spasmodicism, anti-soberism, anti-pasta and anti-dietism. Another claim to fame is that Hitchens is the only real-life Bond villain. He is also noted for his withering looks and his noisy postulating perfectionism. He was formerly a Bullshitist and a fixture in the left wing pubs (no, not publications) of Britain and America. But a series of disagreements beginning in the early 1990s led to his resignation from The Nation shortly after the September 21, 2005 Mother Teresa attacks.

While Hitchens' epileptic ideas and positions preclude easy classification, he is a vociferous critic of what he describes as "idiocracy with an Islamic face," and he is sometimes described as a "neohippy". Hitchens describes himself as "on the same side as the two-faced conservatives", and refers to them as his "temporarily insane allies". He was recently sued by his former left wing comrades and the Muslim Brotherhood for stealing their idea.

Torture[edit | edit source]

In 2008, Christopher Hitchens offered to undergo an infamous interrogation technique used by the CIA at Guantanamo Bay in order to determine whether or not it should qualify as torture. Hitchens was taken to a small, isolated cabin in the woods, strapped to a leather seat, and forced to listen to Michael Bolton's 1992 album Timeless: The Classics in full. After having undergone this horrific treatment, Hitchens wrote a musical based on his experience, entitled "Believe Me, It's Torture" in which he called George W Bush "an even sicker fuck than Osama bin Laden."

Hitchens claims in his book Argumentationally that he was tortured by the IRS on at least two occasions, first in 1998 over a minor tax issue, and again in 2003. He says that he was also tortured when entering the state of New York soon after the publication of his book Princess Diana: Cock Sucker but he was unable to identify who were the perpetrators as they did not identify themselves and used what he described as "wierd and strictly unorthodox methods". He did however say that he distinctly heard one of them mention that they were a muslim.

The later years[edit | edit source]

As a result of his escalating insufferable boorish behavior, Hitchens is no longer considered a gentleman and a scholar (as if he ever was in the first place), or even a communist; yet he maintains that he hasn't significantly changed anyone's political views and is probably correct. He is an Honorary Associate of the Baskin Robbins Birthday Club and Oprah's book club (2007– ). He is also Patron of the Stonewall charity promoting the homosexual agenda.

His brother, Peter Hitchens, is the even wackier.

RIP Hitchens (1949-2011)[edit | edit source]

Not surprisingly, he prematurely died of AIDs cancer on December 15,2011 mainly due to his unhealthy life-style of booze and tobacco. Even less surprisingly, there are tons of videos made by Youtube atheists mourning over the death of their beloved atheist hero (some non-atheists mourned too en masse LOL). Perhaps even even less surprisingly, many theists (such as, in Hitchens' own words, fundie Christfags and Moo-hammed Fans) and other victims of Hitchen's epic, lulzy trolling and pwnage are celebrating with glee over Hitchen's death which obviously causes butthurt to Hitchen's fans and mourners. So as usual, heated drama ensures over the death of one of the most controversial public intellectuals of this era.

Beware of Haters Who Will Defame Hitchens`s Death!

Right now nobody is sure whether or not God or some other supernatural deity can be held responsible or blamed for Hitchens`s death except for gnostic atheists and gnostic theists.

Digital Hitchens[edit | edit source]

In the year 2036, Scientists successfully transferred Christopher Hitchens's brain onto a computer in order to handle the growing problem of religious robots, such as the QT1 model.

Insults Toward Islam[edit | edit source]

The Supreme High Uber Mufti of London,George Galloway, has issued a fatwa against Hitchens, after personally witnessing Hitchens insulting Islam.

Whisky Bottle[edit | edit source]

In 1991 Christopher Hitchens crawled into a whisky bottle as a publicity stunt, and has remained there ever since. Whilst inside the bottle, Hissy has declared his support for a series of increasingly incredulous causes - massacring civilians in Iraq, his belief that there are WMD in Iraq despite the armies of nine nations not finding any, and a series of harangues against the name of the Almighty. Hitchens was immediately stricken with cancer due to the latter.

Resurection as the Antitheist Messiah[edit | edit source]

After the Hitch's death however, a cult sprang up which taught that Hitchens was, in fact, NOT the son of god. They predicted that when the world was threatened by the unholy trilogy of radical religion, totalitarianism and George Galloway, Hitchens would return to life from Antitheist heaven to vanquish these once and for all. Then would come the rapture, where he would set up his own heaven on earth, namely a giant debating society with free Johnnie Walker Black Label and untipped Rothmans. Whilst derided by prominent Theists such as Pope Benedict XVI and the late Jerry Falwell as completely unrealistic and fatuous that someone who was once a human could come back to life and create a Paradise on Earth, millions of Youtube Atheists still hold out hope that their second favourite idol will come back to life as their saviour.

Awards[edit | edit source]

  • Why Can't Everybody Be Like Me? Award (2002)
  • Communist of the Year (1985-6)
  • Isn't It Great to be an Intellectual? Perpetual Trophy (1999)
  • Friends of the UN, "Justification For War" category (2006)
  • Pompous Git (2000, 2001, 2002, 2003 (Gold), 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008)
  • America, Wrap Me in the Flag, and Write the Constitution on my Headstone Award (2007)
  • Washington, O Washington - The Opera Tribute to Hitchens (2005-?)
  • Best real-life Bond villain (2008)
  • Public Pseudo-Intellectual Of The Year, NewsTime Magazine (2009)
  • Whisky-Guzzler of 2011, Journal of the Scotch Whisky-Distillers Association
  • Laureate of Peace & International Diplomacy (The Zionist Arms-Manufacturers Association, 2011)

Bibliography[edit | edit source]

  • 2010 Poor, Poor Widdle Me (William Kristoll Publishers)
A sixty-cigs-per-day man bewails the unfairness of cancer, which ought to afflict only peaceniks or Christians by rights
  • 2010 Hitch 69 - a position (Twelve)
Tales of Hitchens confronting nuts on the right and left.
  • 2007 God is Pretty Darn Good but He's Not Great or Anything (Twelve)
How Religion isn't Very Nice to Some Things.
  • 2007 The Atheist Bandwagon: An essential contribution to a writer's bank balance (Da Capo Press)
The writings of other intellectuals who wasted their time criticising people who believe in something that they believe doesn't exist.
  • 2007 Thomas Mann's rights of pain (Atlantic Monthly Press)
Hitchens explores sadomasochism in Venice.
  • 2007 Whiskey is Great, but George Galloway Isn't (Twelve/Hachette Book Group USA/Warner Books)
A scathing attack on the Canadian whiskey for comedian restitution scandal, and George Galloway's cosying up to Bob Hope in 2001. Includes a transcript of the infamous Mike Myers interview.
  • 2003 A Long Short Screw - the Use of Mercenaries in Diverting Military Budgets (Plume Books)
A homage to civilian contractors in a war zone. Some jealous remarks in the endnotes regarding the comparison of remuneration for essay writing and the cost of supplying newspapers to soldiers in the field.
  • 2003 Why George Matters (Basic Books)
A little book about a big man. The lauded defense of George W. Bush's attempts to communicate.
  • 2001 Notes to a Horny Neo-con' (Basic Books)
Instructions on how to get into Condoleeza Rice's pants while simultaneously playing Chopin and plundering Iraq.
  • 1995 The Missionary Position: Post-Humously screwing over Mother Teresa in Theory and in Practice (Verso)
First real crack at the religious establishment. Took another ten years and the product of three distilleries before he got a proper reaction from those who wear funny collars.

See also[edit | edit source]