Guantanamo Bay

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“The hospitality of the Hilton Hotel combined with the secrecy of a Swiss bank account”

~ Oscar Wilde on Guantanamo Bay
"Room service!!!"
A cheerful tourist enjoys the legendary hospitality in wonderful Guantanamo Bay.

Guantanamo Bay is a world-class resort and part of the Extraordinary Rendition Hotels by Hilton chain, located on the Island of Cuba, where VIPs to the US government and NATO go to enjoy fun-filled and highly rated activities such as waterboarding. Current vacationing residents of Guantanamo Bay are known "enemy combatants" or terrorism suspects, which are well-known misnomers.

It was recently revealed that a separate section of the Complex served as a prison for the world's most dangerous criminals. The prison complex was nicknamed "Nine Levels of Hell". According to the Chinese, the 9th level of hell is the most messed up place there ever is. It might be a coincidence according to various sources. Or not.

Ownership and business model[edit | edit source]

A photo taken during a recent "Bring Your Child to Work" day.

It is run by a select group of high-ranking government officials, backed by the sexed up llamas and the communazis. Ingeniously, the administrators of Guantanamo Bay have made the outside world believe that it is actually a prison camp, where prisoners are continuously tortured and humiliated. By doing so, they have managed to keep the poor Cuban population of mushrooms and illegal Pakistani immigrants away, thus keeping the immense luxury of the exclusive resort to a select group of mostly royal Saudi, Pakistani, and Al-Qaeda origins. The American airline CIAirways is one of the most popular budget airlines which Guantanamo Bay vacationers take. But be warned that when you do enter this exultant resort, you may be tempted to believe that it is actually a torturous prison camp however don't be taken in so easily. Those people that appear to be " being tortured " are actually enjoying one of the many luxurious activities available at the resort. So, don't allow a weak stomach to make you leave, instead, have a go at it yourself, and you'll find that you'll enjoy it more than you first thought. Also, just for your information, it's completely FREE to have a go but you have to swear, kick, punch, and generally cause as much hassle as possible (it's an essential tradition in Guantanamo to do this since that's the only way would get them on you). When you finally do manage to get them fucking you up, just relax and enjoy the sensation and if you're lucky then you might even have them " waterboarding" you. Another cool activity is explained in detail below. But don't be scared if you find them interrogating you on whether you're a terrorist OR not, that's all part of the FREE activity.

Facilities[edit | edit source]

A group of guests wearing the complimentary nice red jump suit enjoying a quiet morning meditation.

Guantanamo Bay features the best and most luxurious facilities of all the summer camps available for tourists. It features beautiful single bedrooms with amazing privacy, so good that you'll forget that others are staying near you. With on-site security everywhere, you'll never have to worry about being harmed during your stay, just give them a shout and they'll be along to sort the situation. Among the world-class facilities are psychologists trained to help you let everything out, their methods are comforting and designed to help put you and your mind to rest. Members of the resort may leave whenever they want, and few of them never leave the resort, in testimony to its tourist appeal.

Guantanamo Bay also boasts an array of cutting-edge fun rides and exercise equipment, designed to help tourists to release their inhibitions. Activities include an upside-down water ride, early morning chats, razor-wire scaling, and dodge-bullet.

A sign greets visitors at the Guantanamo Bay airport.

Origins of Name[edit | edit source]

Its name comes from an edible yogurt made out of bat guano- a delicacy in this region. Over the last couple of years, Osama bin Laden has been known to visit the exclusive resort on several occasions, apparently to relax from his demanding job as enemy of the entire western world. Security reports suggest that he was joined by Fidel Castro, Kim Jong-Il and Oprah Winfrey in order to discuss plans for world domination, as well as playing some bridge.

Ronald McDonald has a lifelong contract as an entertainer on Guantanamo Bay. "Shows every day will make people talk", an official spokesperson says.

Recreation at Guantanamo[edit | edit source]

The residents of Guantanamo enjoy various forms of entertainment:

Water Boarding[edit | edit source]

A favorite ride among the residents is the log flume, also known as 'water boarding'. At the top of a long water slide, the resident grabs a boogie board and rides it down the slide. This ride is popular during Cuba's hot summer. They also offer another activity where you lie down on your back on a wooden plank and they cover your whole head with a black mask (mind, with no eye or nose slits) and pour water on your head through a tube. This gives a feeling of suffocation which is greatly adored by tourists. It even helps you build your underwater breathing skills without much effort. As you enjoy the suffocation, they take the mask off and allow you a breath or two before pulling it back over your face and pouring the water over your face again. This is done repeatedly and although you may want to stop after a few minutes, everyone says it was worth it in the end. Oh, and note that they chain you onto the wooden board so that when you struggle (and you're bound to), after a while, your pleasure would not be disrupted by you getting off and spoiling your fun. Furthermore, many have described it as a cock straightening event as they sometimes move the water onto your penis for extra effective pleasure.

An expose by the New York Post documents Saddam Hussein's terrible stay in a sadistic prison in which people were put into woodchippers.

Hot-Cold Shock Rooms[edit | edit source]

In Nordic countries, people stay in saunas, then jump out and roll in the snow. This energizes them and helps their circulation. Though Cuba has no natural snow, the residents of Guantanamo can enjoy this same experience year-round.

Cock Meat Sandwich[edit | edit source]

Most residents spend one hour a day feasting on the world-renowned 'cock meat sandwich.' Despite the sensuality insinuated by the name, it is in fact nothing more than a buff dick under the pants of an Italian guard. One could easily and delightfully find oneself a 'cock meat sandwich' inside a male's pants.

Hockey[edit | edit source]

A favorite spectator sport of the residents is hockey. Once, the employees (occasionally called 'guards') could not find the hockey puck, so they replaced it with an old Arabic book that they had lying around. The skill and grace of that match is still talked about today.

Feeding tubes[edit | edit source]

Eating competitions are also popular among the residents. A 'super sucker' tournament was once organized, where residents were encouraged to suck four ounces of their favorite flavor of Jello through two-foot long 'feeding tubes' (really, just bendy-straws.)

Relaxing Electroshock Therapy[edit | edit source]

At Guantanamo Bay, tourists (such as yourself) are always happily shocked at their genitals with 5000 watts of electricity. It provides an amazing sensation and is greatly talked about by tourists when they return however many hardly ever return due to the resorts wonderful hospitality and activities (such as this one).

Chained to walls[edit | edit source]

Guantanamo offers ultimate privacy. Anything in Guantanamo stays in Guantanamo. At the whispers of a group of residents with, ahem, different interests, the employees set up a small dungeon with quick-release chains, whips made of bunny fur and lots of feathers. The happy gasps from that special room last long into the night.

Neck-Only Rope Swing[edit | edit source]

Another entertaining activity to be found at this wonderful resort is Neck-Only Rope Swing. The objective of this activity is for a group of tourists to stand on one side of a large gap, fasten a rope around their necks, and to see who can swing to the opposite side the fastest. This is very therapeutic for the muscles in the neck, stretching and massaging them at the same time.

Free Bar[edit | edit source]

All guests are presented with a free Bloody Mary on arrival. The way the drink is given is rather unique. The Bloody Mary is poured onto a sanitary towel and then smeared onto the guest's face allowing the guest to fully experience the drink. This relaxing treatment is one of Guantanamo's best-kept secrets and every year, thousands of people from the Middle East apply to stay at the hotel.

Interesting Facts[edit | edit source]

They can't all be facing Mecca...
  • Guantanamo was also the infamous location for the hit TV show, Guantanamo Baywatch.
  • The Guantanamo Bay City Rollers performed there from 1987 through 1993.
  • The famous nursery rhyme Guantanamo Bay Bay Black Sheep sings of this gentle, kind location.
  • Brett Favre resides here now after retiring from football. He says, quote, "I like the name.."

The Prison "Nine Levels of Hell"[edit | edit source]

In January 2010 Barack Obama revealed that Guantanamo Bay also served as a prison complex for some of the world's most dangerous criminals. The Prison was first built after World War 2 when Adolf Hitler was captured. The Prison originally had five levels until it was expanded during the 1960s. The expansion caused an insurgence among the Cuban people who tried to invade the prison using 1,001 pigs during a United States invasion of the country in 1961. When they failed they tried again six months later using missiles bought from the Soviet Union. Both forced entry attempts failed and the Cuban people have thrown cigars dipped in Urine at prison staff ever since. Despite warning from US customs the prison staff continues to ship the cigars stateside where they are enjoyed by millions of unaware AIDS victims.

The prison has been referred to as the Nine Levels of Hell ever since the expansion's completion due to its nine levels leading underground where each level was worse than the previous. Each floor has a major role in the complex.

Level One: Basic Hell[edit | edit source]

This floor serves as a basic prison holding over 8,090 prisoners. Prisoners are identified by their orange jumpsuits. Prisoners are sentenced here for committing more than 15 crimes. Prisoners are forced to perform labor by breaking rocks, numbering license plates, and are forced to perform Broadway musicals every 5th of the month.

Known Prisoners[edit | edit source]

Seth Green, Fried Chicken, Dr. Nefarious, Zod, George Bush transferred from Level 3 after Prison condition failed to change him, Nathan Lane, Matthew Broderick

Level Two: Overworked Hell[edit | edit source]

This floor serves as a home for prisoners serving hard labor. The prisoners here have usually committed crimes against humanity. Once imprisoned, prisoners are forced to garden, clean rooms, make beds, wash prison pets, and do other menial tasks usually reserved for women. Prisoners are also forced to play roles throughout the prison such as punching bags or crash test dummies.

Known Prisoners[edit | edit source]

Hitler, Jar Jar Binks, Prophet of Truth , Harold and Kumar ESCAPED with Tom Cruise, Lindsay Lohan

Level Three: Royal Hell[edit | edit source]

This floor houses world/political/military/civilian leaders who have become a threat to humanity. Prisoners are forced to watch dated war movies and undergo massive amounts of rehabilitation and brainwashing to turn them into members of the Catholic Republican Party.

Known Prisoners[edit | edit source]

Skynet, John Lennon And the thousands of Clones released from Level Six, Saddam Hussein DEAD, MacArthur, Ganondorf, Governator, Jack Sparrow Before being transferred to Level Nine and ESCAPED

Level Four: Freezing Hell[edit | edit source]

This floor houses prisoners who are so psychotic and uncontrollable that they have to be frozen in stasis at all times. Prisoners can serve sentences from 2 months to 200 years. Also functions as prison's solitary confinement.

Known Prisoners[edit | edit source]

Sr. Tentacles, Duke Nukem, Dick Cheney, Tom Cruise ESCAPED

Level Five: HOLY Hell[edit | edit source]

This floor houses criminals who were accused of conspiracy or heresy. The creation of this level was ordered by an obscure previous US president and Pope Benedict XVI. Prisoners are contently hit with large Bibles, slapped with rulers, and later set on fire.

Known Prisoners[edit | edit source]

Oompa Loompa, Big Foot, Garfield, Xenomorph, Bill Murray

Level Six: Fuzzy Hell[edit | edit source]

This floor is considered the most frightening, sickening, and disturbing floor of all, filled with fuzzy bunnies, flowers, rainbows, and unicorns. 90% of prisoners here end up committing suicide. The remaining 10% of the prisoners who live out their sentences here and are released into other levels tend to either be placed in a coma or go insane altogether. Some prisoners survive due to massive amounts of LSD that turn them into John Lennon Clones.

Known Prisoners[edit | edit source]

Godzilla, Doctor Doom, Invader ZIM, Dr. Evil

Level Seven: Raping Hell[edit | edit source]

The prisoners on this level are hooked up to machines and constantly raped 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Many prisoners are accused of being rapists themselves or homosexuals. This level is also famous for being the noisiest level because of the sex that prisoners receive, forcing them to cry out loudly.

Known Prisoners[edit | edit source]

Cyborg Judas, Stewie Griffin, Christopher Walken, Ted Turner, Katie Holmes Pod Replica.

Level Eight: Soulless Hell[edit | edit source]

Prisoners here have their souls removed upon arrival via Dementors. The prisoner's empty shells are left in cramped prison cells while the souls are crushed up to make m&m's. Should a prisoner's sentencing be up they are taken to ground level and have new souls programmed into them before they are beaten up and thrown out of the prison.

Known Prisoners[edit | edit source]

Me, Ben Stiller, Bruce Lee, Spongebob Squarepants, Mike Myers ESCAPED and returned multiple times

Level Nine: Executioners Hell[edit | edit source]

Prisoners are sent here to be exacted by high-paying clients from the hotel. No names have ever been released on who has been taken here, although it has been suggested that Micheal Jackson may have been sent here and escaped sometime before his death at the hands of Boba Fett'. Only three prisoners have ever successfully escaped from this level. Chuck Norris escaped back in 1991 a mere 50 minutes before he could be exacted. Jack Sparrow was rescued by his crew 2 days before his death sentence, and Samuel L. Jackson escaped while his exaction was taking place, apparently killing 12 guards, a fellow prisoner, and half a dozen snakes in the process. A new prisoner sent in this level is Alexander Sashomir He is to be exacted via a hammer being smashed into his head. This form of the exaction is known as 'Thor's Hammer'. His testicles are also to be removed to prevent any attempt to breed with inmates.

Fine Dining Guide[edit | edit source]

In 1986, Guantanamo became host to Cuba's first and only McDonald's restaurant.

A Subway sandwich shop was opened in November 2002. Other fast food outlets have followed. These fast food restaurants are on base, and not accessible to Cubans. It has been reported that prisoners cooperating with interrogations have been rewarded with Happy Meals from the McDonald's located on the main side of the base. In 2004, Guantanamo opened a combined KFC & A&W restaurant at the bowling alley and a Pizza Hut Express at the Windjammer Restaurant. There is also a Taco Bell, and an ice cream shop that sells Starbucks coffee. All the restaurants on the installation are franchises owned and operated by the Department of the Navy.

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