Wendigo

Voted #1 fast food chain in the deep, dark forests of Minnesota, everyone's favorite ...
Fuck. Get back in the car. I hear it coming.

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Jeffrey Epstein? (The wendigo didn't kill itself either.)

“It totally isn’t real, stop believing in it. It never ate my son, and it never left this scar on my face.”

~ The Matrix guards on the wendigo

The wendigo is a common belief among the otherwise non-overlapping groups of outdoor enthusiasts and nerds. Originating from Hekawi legend somewhere in the middle of nowhere, it has come to be a minor internet meme among schizophrenics and crazy kids who crave a little wendussy. As an Uncyclopedia reader, you are the least common denominator of the four aforementioned groups of people, and it is your job to summon ancient demons as a viewer/contributor. Contrary to popular belief, the wendigo does not have the face of a deer in the Hekawi legend it originates from, rather the creature possesses the asshole of an Ethiopian naked mole‑rat.

Etymology

The word wendigo stems from the Hekawi word wi·nteko·wa, which roughly translates to "we need to go ... to get our asses the fuck out of here, for God's sake!" It is unsure what they were trying to express with this word.

History

The wendigo, nee Wendy Gobertson, was born in a small Kentucky town in 1813. She was raised on blackberries, highly dangerous amounts of butter, steel forks, wooden forks, plastic forks, sporks, dead rats and red meat, often pulled from suspicious sources. The thing is, every time she had a little red meat it tasted like chicken, ironically, and it seemed that her small town got emptier. She never made the connection as a child that she was slowly being turned into a cannibal monster. Now just imagine, fellows, if your parents had been raising you your whole life, only to find out that they were sorcerers? Thus poor little Wendy fled into the forest and hid underground, only to find that she was terribly hungry. To her surprise, there was her parents' stash of human flesh. She was by no means disgusted – the world's first meat-processing machine churned away in these caverns. Wendy realized that she could make thousands. (So much money you could swim in it back in the early 1800s; inflation has turned this into millions nowadays. It is now commonplace for the U.S. Federal Reserve System to blow up dollar bills with helium so they eventually pop into tiny ones.) Feeble, frail, hungry little Wendy was unable to drag the machine out of the caves, and she was too lost and deep inside to escape anyway. As she despaired in the caves, her skin turned white and blotchy from the lack of sunlight, she began to mutate due to an unknown, yet cliche, zombie virus.

Description

The wendigo is known to possess a wendussy, at least according to the strange following the creature has on the internet. The wendussy is a hole even more legendary than the caves from which it originated. Wendussy-seekers are commonly known as wendigoons. They go out into the forest, unbeknownst of the dangers lurking, such as cranky old men, Australian drop bears, rape ghosts, Nazi robots, nuclear mutants, and all those things. Certainly the wendigo is not one of these things, right?

We apologize for the forty-eight-day wait between the first and second half of the wendigo's description; we have no idea what happened to our first editor after he ventured into the forest for further research. I have had to let my eight-year-old son finish this section.

... and the wendigo it has tha creepy scarey face!!! I love its butthole and its hoohoo so much and its big and juicey and it is so soft and warrrrrrmm!!! aand it could eat you in one bite but it wouldnt because i love the wendigo so much!!!!!1 4EVER WENDIGO LOVE IM CHARLES S AND I LOVE WENDSUSY! NONE OF THE OTHER BODY PARTS OF THE WENDIGO matter becaues all anywun could evur ceare about is the finest hoohoo you've ever put your weewee in! I starteda local flood of my white sticky water milk thing that comes out of my *its a bda werd and my mom wood ground me if i said any more!!!!!

See also

• Deer
• Reindeer
• Moose

Notes and references

• We had references, but they were all cannibalized before they could tell us their names.

•••••Your Guide To Cannibalism•••••

Alfred Packer • Baby Eating • Baby farming • Baby food • Baby meat • Cannibal Corpse • Cannibalism • Cannibals • Celebrity Roast • Communion • Cunnilingus • Dinner Party • Fellatio • Fishing For Children • Flying Purple People Eater • G-Rex • Hannibal Lecter • HowTo Cook A Human • HowTo Cook Children • HowTo Cook A Fetus • Human head • I Can't Believe It's Not Soylent Green • McDahmer's • Meaty Amin • Mike Tyson • Nazi Eating • Recipes • Supergirl • Sweeney Todd • Uncle John's Fetus Burgers and Abortion Clinic • UnNews Cannibalism becoming increasingly popular • UnNews Cannibals Stopped • UnNews New TV Trend • UnNews Soylent Green Defamation • Vore • Wendigo • Why? Don't Be A Cannibal • Why? Eat People • Zombies