Eli Roth
Welcome to Eli Roth's History of Horror. For the last 5,006 years, human kind was afraid of one and one thing only. Horror movies have always tried to explore and track that thing down. From zombies to vampires through spooky ghosts and demons, no movie was close to revealing that single THING that is buried so very deep in the collective mind of humanity. What is IT? That IT thing that Faith No More sing about in their song "Epic"? It will all be revealed soon, here in Uncyclopedia's parody of Eli Roth's History of Horror.
It was Walt Disney, with his groundbreaking murder-porn Bambi, who managed to give us a serious hint of what IT might be. Bambi, the scariest movie of all time, is the only horror movie in which all the leads are COMPLETELY NAKED. Except for the MURDERER, of course. That's right, people. The most frightening thing in the world is CLOTHES.
Roth's legacy is a bit complicated to scholars of cinema who all have regarded him as a legend in the horror genre, but some have wondered if his lack of skills in writing a great or even good script might have helped his Rotten Tomatoes score for his films or might have made him even a shitter director. Because of the ego and stuff.
Rob Zombie[edit | edit source]
Well, it's a very interesting idea, for one thing. I mean, when I think about it, all the non-human spooky creatures of horror wear, if anything, only torn up clothes, like zombies, or completely dumb clothes like vampires. And the scariest ones are animals, which are completely naked, like Hitchcock's The Birds or the animals in Cannibal Holocaust. You have a point there, I think. Clothes ARE scary.
Eli Roth[edit | edit source]
And even if you look at Uncyclopedia articles, the scariest ones are the articles with too many links in them. Contrary to "naked" articles, without so many links.
Guy who plays Trinity in Dexter[edit | edit source]
I disagree. I was the scariest of my career when I was naked. What is so scary about CLOTHES, anyway?
Rob Zombie[edit | edit source]
You were scarier in that aliens sitcom.
Eli Roth[edit | edit source]
How did you get here anyway, Trinity? I know I didn't invite you.
Trinity[edit | edit source]
I came to kill you, actually. *kills Zombie*
Eli Roth[edit | edit source]
Hey, man. That's not cool. Let me show you what's scary about CLOTHES, bitch! *strangles Trinity with his own belt until Trinity's left eye pops out*
So, we're left with no guests so we'll have to wrap it up. If you make horror movies, make 'em about CLOTHES. CLOTHES are SCARY. Do you know which movies were about clothes? NONE. Because they are TOO SCARY.
Just don't do it about a button. They already did that.
Jack Black[edit | edit source]
He's not talking about my belly button, BTW.
