Eli Roth

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Welcome to Eli Roth's History of Horror. For the last 5,006 years, human kind was afraid of one and one thing only. Horror movies have always tried to explore and track that thing down. From zombies to vampires through spooky ghosts and demons, no movie was close to revealing that single THING that is buried so very deep in the collective mind of humanity. What is IT? That IT thing that Faith No More sing about in their song "Epic"? It will all be revealed soon, here in Uncyclopedia's parody of Eli Roth's History of Horror.

It was Walt Disney, with his groundbreaking murder-porn Bambi, who managed to give us a serious hint of what IT might be. Bambi, the scariest movie of all time, is the only horror movie in which all the leads are COMPLETELY NAKED. Except for the MURDERER, of course. That's right, people. The most frightening thing in the world is CLOTHES.

Rob Zombie[edit]

Well, it's a very interesting idea, for one thing. I mean, when I think about it, all the non-human spooky creatures of horror wear, if anything, only torn up clothes, like zombies, or completely dumb clothes like vampires. And the scariest ones are animals, which are completely naked, like Hitchcock's The Birds or the animals in Cannibal Holocaust. You have a point there, I think. Clothes ARE scary.

Eli Roth[edit]

And even if you look at Uncyclopedia articles, the scariest ones are the articles with too many links in them. Contrary to "naked" articles, without so many links.

Guy who plays Trinity in Dexter[edit]

I disagree. I was the scariest of my career when I was naked. What is so scary about CLOTHES, anyway?

Rob Zombie[edit]

You were scarier in that aliens sitcom.

Eli Roth[edit]

How did you get here anyway, Trinity? I know I didn't invite you.

Trinity[edit]

I came to kill you, actually. *kills Zombie*

Eli Roth[edit]

Hey, man. That's not cool. Let me show you what's scary about CLOTHES, bitch! *strangles Trinity with his own belt until Trinity's left eye pops out*

So, we're left with no guests so we'll have to wrap it up. If you make horror movies, make 'em about CLOTHES. CLOTHES are SCARY. Do you know which movies were about clothes? NONE. Because they are TOO SCARY.

Just don't do it about a button. They already did that.

Jack Black[edit]

He's not talking about my belly button, BTW.